How to Breakup / End Things Amicably with People

UPDATE: Watch this video on how I dealt with my own breakup with my girlfriend Imogen, after 7 years together:

Something I regret from my early years in my late 20’s/early 30’s was I ghosted quite a few girls that I didn’t want to see any more, instead of just sending them a polite message ending things. I’d rationalise it to myself in different ways:

• “Girls ghost me all the time; therefore it’s fine if I do it to them.”
• “I’ve only seen this girl a few times, so there’s no investment. It’s normal to ghost her.”
• “She’s probably talking to 20 other guys, so it’s fine if I just ghost her.”
• [Some other rationalisation for why ghosting was justified]

I did this for the longest time because I was too scared to just send a casual text telling her I was moving on (I was worried about her “being mean” to me; like a lot of you are). I didn’t treat women like they were on my team; instead, I was adversarial and wanted to “win” and “beat them”. Ghosting them was, in a twisted way, sometimes even pleasurable to me because I felt like I was “getting back at all the girls who’d ghosted me in the past.”

Until one day when someone wise said to me, “Ghosting is a shit thing to do, man. Just because a couple women ghosted you, doesn’t mean you have to be a dick to other women. Don’t punish innocent women for the mistakes of others.“

That hit me like a tonne of bricks, and I re-evaluated how I was treating women. Was it really ok to ignore a girl who liked me and wanted to hangout with me some more, just because other women I’d liked had ghosted me in the past? Was it really ok to hurt other people’s feelings and contribute more negativity into the world, just because I’d been treated poorly myself?

A lot of people rationalise to themselves that ghosting isn’t a big deal, especially because both genders do it to each other (a lot). But as pretty much everyone is aware, being ghosted doesn’t feel good. Having someone ignore you and not even give you the courtesy of “I don’t want to keep seeing you” can feel like a slap in the face that has you questioning your own attractiveness, your own worthiness, your own lovability. An example from a woman I asked about this:

So why would you want to put those same negative vibes out into the world when you don’t have to? It’s possible for you to have a bunch of amazing sexual experiences, while also showing compassion and kindness to your fellow human beings. Having a lot of sex doesn’t mean we have to be cold towards others.

We’re not aiming to replicate hurtful human behaviour. We’re aiming to be compassionate people in our quest for sexual abundance, so we don’t have to feel guilty while we do it. It’s possible to feel really damn good about yourself while also sleeping with a lot of amazing people, knowing you’ve added to their lives rather than taken something away.

Especially when it’s so damn easy to send a text. You can literally copy-paste the templates I’ll give you below. It takes 5 seconds out of your day and then it’s done. And then the person will know where you both stand, they’ll be able to have some closure (as will you), and you can both move on. You’ll save both of you a lot of drama if you just politely cut it off. You also don’t really want someone texting you when you have no intention of meeting up with them – it’s just a weird feeling knowing someone is more into you than you are into them.

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People You Haven’t Had Sex With Yet

If it’s a person you’ve been on dates with but haven’t had sex with, neither of you are going to be all that invested in one another. So you can just copy-paste this really brief message:

“Hey, I had a ton of fun on the date but I’d rather not continue any futher. [Insert a compliment here] – I hope you find what you’re looking for.”

It’s polite, to the point, and doesn’t leave the other person sitting around wondering if you’ll want to see them again. Most people will reply thanking you for your honesty and for not wasting their time. (Some people will even reply with a positive message in return, giving you some compliments and telling you “I hope you find what you’re looking for as well!” Isn’t that nice.)

An example:

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People You’ve Had Sex with a Few Times (But Not a Serious Relationship)

If you’ve had sex with someone once or twice (or even a few times), but are kinda on the fence about seeing her again – as in, you think you’ll see them again in a couple weeks but just not right now – just keep their number in your phone. You can tell them “Hey I’m busy this week and next week, but I most likely will have some free time after that.” Obviously only do this if you think you’ll definitely them her again in the future – nobody likes to be lead on!

If you DON’T plan on seeing the person though, use this template below:

“Hey, I’ve been thinking about things. You’re amazing and such a great person – that said, this isn’t quite the dynamic I think I’m looking for.

I’m grateful for [whatever you’re grateful to them for], you’re really [insert whatever compliments you want to give them]. I hope you have a beautiful life & find what you’re looking for. I have no doubt you will.”

[Tweak all of that so it’s in your own words.]

An example of a recent message I sent:

99.99% of the time, it’ll go pretty damn well like the screenshot above. If you’ve only slept with each other a handful of times, most people understand if you don’t want to see them again, and they’ll appreciate you being so upfront and honest. (Because most people just ghost, which doesn’t feel good). Saying “This isn’t the dynamic I’m looking for” or “I’m just not feeling the chemistry” is a really polite way to end things with someone; that way you’re not blaming them for anything, you’re not making them feel bad about themselves, etc.

If the person doesn’t take it well, that’s on them. As long as you tried your best to be compassionate, it’s none of your business how the other person takes things. Some people just haven’t learned how to take rejection well (that’s most of us, actually!) Maybe the person doesn’t ever really take rejection well, maybe they were having a bad week/month, maybe they’re just an emotional person in general, etc. Your only job in life is to treat others with respect and kindness; their reaction is up to them.

Don’t feel like you have to explain yourself if you don’t want to see someone. You don’t owe anyone an in-depth essay on why you don’t feel like seeing them (though, if you WANT to explain it to them, you’re welcome to – as long as you’re saying it in a compassionate way, rather than “blaming” them). You simply don’t feel like seeing them any more, and that’s ok. Some people just don’t click with each other; that’s a normal part of life.

More on this: Just because someone demands a reason as to why you’re breaking up with them, doesn’t mean you have to tell them. Sometimes there’s no nice way to say, “I don’t really like your personality” or “I’m not super attracted to you” or “There’s someone else I’m seeing that I like better”. In those cases I find it’s kinder to just say nothing, and repeat “I’m just not feeling the dynamic” or “This just isn’t what I’m looking for.” After all, it’s not our mission to hurt people. I may advocate complete honesty, but it’s sometimes kinder to say nothing at all. Don’t lie, but don’t overshare if it’ll just hurt them.

And look, I get that for a lot of people, ending things with someone (even someone super casual) isn’t easy. It never was all that easy for me either, until I learned to get better at it. Even now, I still feel a tinge of guilt when I hit send on that breakup message (and that’s ok). But you’re doing the person – and yourself – a favour if you send them a polite message ending things. Don’t leave it hanging by ghosting them – that almost always feels horrible.

And definitely don’t keep seeing someone you’re not really into, just because you’re anxious about ending it. The longer you drag it out, the more awful you’ll feel.

Sometimes the person may argue or try to stop you ending things or say something like, “I’ll change” – I find it best to be firm and say, “I’ve already made my decision – I wouldn’t want you to change just to stay with someone anyway. I wish you the best.” (Or if you’d prefer to, you’re allowed to stop further communication.) You’ve been honest with the person, told them you’re not going to see them anymore – you’re allowed to walk away without getting bogged down in debating or rationalising your decision to them.

Besides, spending a lot of time continuing to try to explain sometimes just drags it out for longer, which is only prolonging the hurt they (or both of you) are feeling. Sometimes it’s kinder to politely but firmly cut things off.

Below is another example of a girl I saw for a few months and really got to like. She’d only ever been in 1 relationship before she met me, so I had a lot of fun teaching her about sex, about foreplay and teasing and psychological play, I helped her play with another girl for the first time, I taught her about BDSM and pleasure and pain. I mentored her with her life quite a bit, and helped her figure out what she wanted to do with her career.

However, she got to a point where she started getting really over-the-top sexual; as in, texting me for hours a day while I was at work, and not listening to me when I told her to slow it down a bit because I was busy and didn’t have time to read multiple messages. (I told her quite a few times, over multiple weeks, in multiple different ways – including being very direct and honest). It started to get a bit too much. Much as I loved her company (she was a very sweet person), I eventually ended things when it was apparent she wasn’t going to slow down):

As you can see, quite an amicable breakup. She felt some hurt and expressed that (good on her for being honest!), but was ultimately ok and even somewhat agreed with me that the texting might have just been out of balance for what I was looking for.

When I end things with a woman – especially if I saw her for a while – I’m always really grateful I met her. And I do my best to express that to her. Even casual friends-with-benefits will give you some nice memories you’ll be able to look back on. Getting laid isn’t just about the sex; it’s about the people you meet and the connections you make along the way.

Each person you sleep with, try and have it so they add to your life; there’s no point racking up “notches” just for the sake of it. Ending things amicably helps you keep those memories happy, rather than tainting them by a bad breakup/ghosting.

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People that are Serious (Relationships)

First of all, watch this:

If it’s someone I’ve seen for longer and built a connection with, I have this conversation in person, not over text. Usually somewhere public but semi-private, eg a park during the day, or a quiet cafe, etc. Somewhere you can be relatively alone, but still out in public.

You’ll have to take it on a case-by-case basis, depending on the type of relationship you had with the person, how close you were, how long you were together, etc. I’ve had a few of these conversations now with girls I deeply cared about (and a couple I loved), and all I can tell you is breaking up can bring up all sorts of emotions in both of you, and neither of you are probably going to be perfect during it. No matter how you do it, there’s a decent chance you’ll feel like you could have done it a whole lot better. Go easy on yourself; almost nobody is good at breaking up with people (or being broken up with).

Try your best not to hurt the other person – be honest, but to a point. If they start demanding you tell them everything they “did wrong” or they demand to know all the reasons you don’t want to be with them anymore, try your best not to say things that are likely to hurt the person. (Again, you’re probably not going to be perfect with this – that’s ok.) With a breakup, sometimes it is better to say less rather than more.

Talk for as long as you both want to, but at some point you’re going to have to leave – and that point might really hurt (for both of you). Some stuff to remember:

• Sometimes, there’s no nice way to break up with someone. Just do your best to be compassionate – to the other person, and to yourself.
• There’s also no “right time” to break up with someone. Sometimes it’s just “bad timing” no matter what – it’s usually kinder to break up with them sooner rather than later (to you and to them)
• People often get emotional during a breakup (yeah, no shit Andy!) She may cry, you may cry – all of that is ok. It can feel a bit messy and confusing at times. That’s ok. Just feel the grief, feel the sadness, feel the fear – and talk to all of your friends/family/etc about it. “A problem shared is a problem halved.”
• During/after a breakup, it’s very tempting to see other person as the enemy; the person that hurt you, the person you want out of your life (or maybe the person you desperately don’t want to leave). Do your best to see them as a person just like you; a person who’s just trying to do their best (just like you are).
• No matter how hard you try, sometimes you might look like the “bad guy/bad girl” to her, or to her friends, or even to people in your life. Again, people are often emotional during a breakup, and it can be easy to point fingers and blame someone for all the hurt that’s going on. You’re not a bad person for breaking up with someone you don’t want to be with – especially if you try your best to do it in an empathetic, compassionate way. The kindest thing you can do is be honest with someone when you don’t want to keep seeing them anymore. Staying because you’re scared to break up isn’t a kindness.
• After you break up, you may have a few days where you think, “Oh god what have I done? I should apologise to her and get back together with her.” Be gentle with yourself if you feel these feelings – they’re very normal after a breakup. Give yourself some space for a few weeks to be with your friends, talk it over with people, build some independence, and then see how you feel. But during the emotionality of a breakup, you’re not really in a rational state of mind (neither is the other person) – that isn’t the time I’d be recommending you make decisions as to whether or not to get back together.
• You might feel a lot of emotions (and so might the other person) – and that’s ok. Let yourself feel the feelings (even if they seem really intense). Talk about them with your family, or a therapist, or friends – just talk to someone about how you’re feeling. The more people that you have in your corner, the more smooth the breakup will go for you. Let people be there for you.
• And on that note, when you break up with someone, go spend time with your friends, spend time with family, enjoy your hobbies. In other words, keep busy – and keep building your own life. If you feel ready, you’re allowed to start dating again too (there’s no “right time” to start dating; it’s whenever you feel like that’s what you want to do).

If you’d like to see the kind of headspace I was in with my most recent serious breakup, you can listen to me talking about it literally 1 day after a breakup of a 7-year relationship.

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Let’s Just Be Friends™ ?

The final question that’ll come up: do you (and the other person) want to become friends after the breakup? Can you pivot to a friendship situation without it being “weird”?

That’s entirely up to you; I can’t tell you what the “right” or “wrong” thing to do there is.

In the past, I never used to remain friends – in fact, here’s what I wrote back in 2019:

“I personally never be friends with girls I’ve slept with; I don’t like taking a backwards step and going from fuckbuddies/relationship down to just a friendship. There isn’t a single exception in my past; I’ve literally never ever ever been friends with a girl after we’d had sex. Being friends with a girl you’ve been intimate with means you’ll both be acutely aware that something is missing – like an elephant in the room, you’ll both pretend there’s nothing weird but it’ll be obvious as hell and you’ll both know it deep down.

It’s also unfair in situations where you or her (or both of you) really cared about the other person. Now you’re just giving her (or yourself) a small sliver of hope that things will get fixed. “He’s still in my life, we’re still friends, so maybe there’s a chance we will get back together?” If you don’t get back together, then you just gave her false hope and dragged it out over several months/years; how shitty is that? And if you do get back together, then why the hell did you break up in the first place? Don’t you trust your own decisions? You broke up with her for a reason; stick with your principles, have faith in your own decision-making and don’t second-guess yourself or you’re only showing yourself you’re a liar and that your word doesn’t mean anything.“

2019 was quite a long time ago though; I was a very different person back then. These days my mindset is a lot different. I take it on a case-by-case, but I’m very happy to remain friends with girls as long as 2 points are met:
1. It’d benefit my life for us to be friends; and
2. It’d benefit her life for us to be friends.

If either of those two conditions are not true, then we don’t remain friends.

Once again, the advice is: It’s up to you. Just make sure it’s in your highest good, and her highest good; in other words, that being friends would be a net positive for both of you. (If you’re unsure, ask all your friends and get her to ask all her friends, and see what they suggest).

As I said, sometimes I’ve chosen not to remain friends. Other times I’ve chosen to be friends, like with my ex-partner Immy of 7 years. It’s entirely up to you and the other person.

UPDATE: I did 3 videos talking more about breakups here:

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