Something I regret from my early years getting laid is that I ghosted a hell of a lot of girls I didn’t want to see any more, instead of just sending them a polite message ending things. I’d rationalise it to myself in different ways:
- “Girls ghost me all the time; therefore it’s fine if I do it to them.”
- “I’ve only seen this girl a few times, so there’s no investment. It’s normal to ghost her.”
- “She’s probably talking to 20 other guys, so it’s fine if I just ghost her.”
- [Some other lazy rationalisation for why my shitty behaviour was justified]
I did this for the longest time because I was too much of a pussy to just send a casual text telling her I was moving on. I didn’t treat girls like they were on my team; instead, I was adversarial and wanted to “win” and “beat them”. Ghosting them was, in a twisted way, often pleasurable to me because I felt like I was “getting back at all the girls who’d ghosted me in the past.”
Until one day when someone wise said to me, “Ghosting is a shit thing to do, man. Just because other girls ghosted you, doesn’t mean you have to be a dick to other girls. Don’t punish innocent girls for the shitty behaviour of other girls.“
That hit me like a tonne of bricks, and I re-evaluated how I was treating girls. Was it really ok to ignore a girl who liked me and wanted to hangout with me some more, just because other girls I’d liked had ghosted me in the past? Was it really ok to hurt other people’s feelings and contribute more negativity into the world, just because I’d been treated poorly?
A lot of people rationalise to themselves that ghosting isn’t a big deal, especially because both genders do it to each other (a lot). But as pretty much everyone is aware, being ghosted doesn’t feel good. Having someone ignore you and not even give you the courtesy of “I don’t want to keep seeing you” feels really shit. So why would you want to put those same negative vibes out into the world when you don’t have to? It’s possible for you to get laid a lot while being a decent human being. In fact, it’s not just possible; it should be your goal to be a good person while you get laid. Getting laid a lot doesn’t mean you have to be a dick, at all.
We’re not aiming to replicate the shittiest of human behaviour. We’re aiming to be good people in our quest for plentiful pussy, so we don’t have to feel guilty while we do it. It’s possible to feel really damn good about yourself while also sleeping with a lot of women, knowing you’ve added to their lives rather than taken something away.
Especially when it’s so damn easy to send a text. You can literally copy-paste the templates I’ll give you below. It takes 5 seconds out of your day and then it’s done. And then she won’t keep hitting you up trying to hangout with you. It’s a really horrible feeling when you chase someone but they’re not interested – you’ll save her (and yourself) a lot of drama if you just politely cut it off. You also don’t really want someone texting you when you have no intention of meeting up with them – it’s just a weird feeling knowing someone is more into you than you are into them.
Girls You Haven’t Had Sex With
If it’s a girl you’ve been on dates with but haven’t had sex with, neither of you are going to be all that invested in one another. So you can just copy-paste this really brief message:
“Hey, I had fun but I’m not really feeling it and don’t want to continue any further. It was cool meeting you.”
It’s polite, to the point, and doesn’t leave her sitting around wondering if you’ll want to see her again. Most girls will reply thanking you for your honesty and for not wasting her time.
Here’s an example from a girl I went on 1 date with, but didn’t have sex (I wasn’t super into her):
Girls You’ve Had Sex with Once or Twice
If you’ve had sex with her once or twice, but are kinda on the fence about seeing her again – as in, you think you’ll see her again in a couple weeks but just not right now – just keep her number in your phone. If she hits you up wanting to hangout, just say, “I’m busy this week, but I’ll let you know when I’m free.” Obviously only do this if you think you’ll definitely see her again in the future – nobody likes to be lead on.
If you don’t plan on seeing a girl again that you’ve had sex with once or twice, copy-paste this short message:
“Hey, I had fun but I’m not really feeling it and don’t want to continue any further. I’m just not feeling the chemistry. It was nice meeting you.”
99.99% of the time, it’ll go exactly like the screenshots above. If you’ve only slept with each other once or twice, most girls completely understand if you don’t want to see them again, and will appreciate you being so upfront and honest (because most people just ghost, which feels like shit). Saying “I’m just not feeling the chemistry” is a really polite way to end things with someone; it’s exactly the language polite girls will use to end things with a guy. (They’ll also say “I’m not feeling a spark” or “I’m just not in a place to see anyone right now.”)
If she doesn’t take it well, that’s on her. It has nothing to do with you, you didn’t do anything wrong (as long as you were polite, like in my messages above). She likely just doesn’t take rejection well, or was having a crappy day/week/life, or is an unhappy person in general, or gets emotional very easily, etc. All you can do in life is treat others with respect, and it’s up to them how they react.
Don’t feel like you have to explain yourself if you don’t want to see her – we’re talking about a girl you’ve only slept with once or twice. You don’t owe anyone an in-depth essay on why you don’t feel like seeing them. You simply don’t feel like seeing them any more, and that’s ok. Some people just don’t click with each other; that’s a normal part of life.
And look, I get that for a lot of guys, ending things with someone (even someone super casual) isn’t easy. It never was all that easy for me either. Even now, I still feel a tinge of guilt when I hit send on that breakup message. It never feels nice. But you’re doing the girl – and yourself – a favour if you send her a polite message ending things. Don’t leave it hanging by ghosting her – that feels horrible. And definitely don’t keep seeing a girl you’re not really into, just because you’re anxious about ending it. The longer you drag it out, the more awful you’ll feel.
Just copy-paste my line from above, hit send, then tell yourself, “What’s done is done.”
Girls that are Friends-with-Benefits
If you’ve seen each other more than a couple of times (ie you’re friends-with-benefits or fuckbuddies) – and it never quite got to a full-on relationship – copy-paste this:
“Hey, I’d like us to stop seeing each other. You didn’t do anything wrong, I had a hell of a lot of fun with you. I’m just not feeling the chemistry any more. I’m really glad we met, and I wish you all the best.”
If she asks why, you can give her a reason if you want to, or don’t give her a reason if you’d rather not. Just because she asked, doesn’t mean you have to tell her. Sometimes there’s no nice way to say, “I don’t really like your personality” or “I’m not super attracted to you” or “There’s 2 other girls I’m seeing that I like more than you”. In those cases it’s better to just say nothing. After all, it’s not our mission to hurt girls. I may advocate complete honesty, but it’s sometimes kinder to say nothing at all. Don’t lie, but don’t overshare if it’ll just hurt her.
In the cases where there’s a good reason to end things, I’ll always tell the girl what that reason is. (There’s an example in the screenshot just below).
She may argue or try to stop you ending things or say something like, “I’ll change” – best to be firm and say, “I’ve already made my decision. I wish you the best.” Or just don’t reply at all. You’ve been honest with her, told her you’re not going to see her anymore – don’t get bogged down in debating or rationalising your decision to her.
Besides, trying to explain will only drag it out for longer, which is ultimately shitty for both of you. It’s kinder to her to cut it off politely but firmly and then just not reply after that. After all, it’s better to rip a band-aid off quickly than to prolong the suffering.
Context: We’d been seeing each other about 2 months at this point, banged probably 10 times including a 3some with my girlfriend. Cute girl, very fucking hot – but not kinky enough for me. Most of my fantasies, she wasn’t into.
The backstory: She’d told me a couple times she really wanted to find love, but didn’t think she deserved it. I saw her a couple more times but didn’t feel great having casual sex with someone I knew wanted more; even if she was a bit of a dumbass for not going out and trying to actually find love (I made it abundantly clear I wasn’t going to be the one to give her love).
When she asked “Why?” I decided to tell her the reason, because I thought it might benefit her to hear, and it wasn’t a reason that’d cause offense or hurt her. I didn’t reply to the last message in her screenshot above, as there wasn’t anything left to say. I deleted her number and moved on.
Below is another example of a girl I saw for a few months and really got to like. She’d only ever been in 1 relationship before she met me, so I had a lot of fun teaching her about sex, about foreplay and teasing and psychological play, I helped her play with another girl for the first time, I taught her about BDSM and pleasure and pain. I mentored her with her life quite a bit, and helped her figure out what she wanted to do with her career.
However, she got to a point where she started getting really over-the-top sexual; as in, texting me for hours a day while I was at work, and not listening to me when I told her to slow it down a bit because I was busy and didn’t have time to read multiple messages. It started to get a bit too much. Much as I loved her company (she was a very sweet person), I eventually ended things when it was apparent she wasn’t going to slow down):
When I end things with a girl – especially if I saw her for a while – I’m always really grateful I met her. Even casual fuckbuddies will give you some nice memories you’ll be able to look back on. Getting laid isn’t just about the sex; it’s about the people you meet and the connections you make along the way.
Each girl you sleep with should add to your life; there’s no point racking up “notches” just for the sake of it. Ending things amicably helps you keep those memories happy, rather than tainting them by a bad breakup/ghosting.
Girls that are Serious (Relationships)
First of all, watch this:
If it’s a girl I’ve seen for longer and built a connection with, I have this conversation in person, not over text. Usually somewhere public but semi-private, eg a park during the day. Somewhere you can be relatively alone, but still out in public.
You’ll have to take it on a case-by-case basis, depending on the type of relationship you had with the girl, how close you were, how long you were together, etc. I’ve had a few of these conversations now with girls I deeply cared about (and a couple I loved), and all I can tell you is breaking up sucks and there’s no right way to do it. No matter how you do it, you’ll feel like you could have done it a whole lot better. Go easy on yourself; nobody is good at breaking up with people.
Try your best not to hurt the other person – be honest, but to a point. If she starts demanding you tell her everything she did wrong or reasons why you don’t want to be with her anymore, don’t say things that are likely to hurt her. With a breakup, it’s often better to say less than more.
Talk for as long as you both want to, but at some point you’re going to have to leave – and that point really hurts (for both of you). Some stuff to remember:
- There’s no nice way to break up with someone. It will suck, no matter what.
- There’s no perfect time to break up with someone. I’ll be bad timing, no matter when you do it.
- No matter how hard you try, you’ll probably look like the bad guy… Until a few days or weeks later when emotions die down a bit. You’re not an asshole for breaking up with someone in an empathetic way. You’re only an asshole if you don’t break up with someone you don’t really want to be with – especially if you only stay with them because you’re scared to break up.
- She may cry, you may cry – doesn’t matter. Breakups suck. They’re messy. There’s no avoiding the pain.
- After you break up, you may have a few days where you think, “Oh god what have I done? I should apologise to her and get back together with her.” Fuck no. Do NOT get back together with someone you’ve broken up with. You’ll feel strong emotions for a few days after the breakup; emotions that’ll make you second-guess your decision. Tell yourself, “I’ll just wait 4 weeks, and if in 4 weeks when I’m more rational I still want to get back with her, then I’ll reassess at that time.” If it helps, remind yourself of the reasons you broke up with her. Remember: an ex is an ex for a reason. What happens every single time is you’ll wait a week or two, and all of a sudden you won’t feel so emotional, you won’t feel like you’re grieving as much, and you’ll start moving on with your life.
- After you break up with her, go spend time with your mates and family. Keep busy. Hit on other chicks if you’re up for it (when you’re ready) – nothing assuages the pain of losing a girl than moving on and showing yourself there are other people out there for you.
My most recent serious breakup was a pretty painful one (most breakups will usually be somewhat painful, remember). I’d been seeing her for about 8 months and was in a 3some relationship with her and another girl. I just wasn’t feeling the chemistry any more and hadn’t been for a month or two. I told her, “I have something to discuss with you, let’s meet at [a cafe in the city].”
We met, grabbed a coffee, and went to a nearby park. I explained I felt like I wasn’t really that into her any more, and as shit as it was, I’d rather break up with her than keep leading her on by staying. She argued and tried desperately to get me to stay. I ended up talking everything through with her for a few hours, as she went through all the stages of grief – anger (“you’re horrible for doing this!”), denial (“you’re just emotional, tomorrow you won’t really feel like breaking up with me”), etc.
Eventually she came to acceptance as she agreed things hadn’t been great between us for a while now, and she had definitely felt like we were growing apart. I walked her back to her car, she looked at me sadly and said, “I’m going to miss you.” I gave her one last hug and replied, “I’m going to miss you too.” We parted ways, and that was that.
Watching her cry was fucking painful, because I still cared about her very deeply. I’ll say it again: there’s no easy way to break up with someone. And it can be fucking tempting to do it over text. Whilst text is perfectly fine for anything casual, if it’s a serious relationship it’s always better done in person. Once you get through those tough minutes/hours while you talk it all through, you’ll be glad you did, and you can go grab yourself an icecream or a giant chocolate bar to make yourself feel (a little) better.
Let’s Just Be Friends™ ?
The final question that’ll come up: should you be friends with a girl after a breakup? Can you downgrade to a friendship situation without it being weird?
That’s entirely up to you; I can’t tell you what the “right” or “wrong” thing to do there is. But I’ll make a case for both sides:
I personally never be friends with girls I’ve slept with; I don’t like taking a backwards step and going from fuckbuddies/relationship down to just a friendship. There isn’t a single exception in my past; I’ve literally never ever ever been friends with a girl after we’d had sex. Being friends with a girl you’ve been intimate with means you’ll both be acutely aware that something is missing – like an elephant in the room, you’ll both pretend there’s nothing weird but it’ll be obvious as hell and you’ll both know it deep down.
It’s also unfair in situations where you or her (or both of you) really cared about the other person. Now you’re just giving her (or yourself) a small sliver of hope that things will get fixed. “He’s still in my life, we’re still friends, so maybe there’s a chance we will get back together?” If you don’t get back together, then you just gave her false hope and dragged it out over several months/years; how shitty is that? And if you do get back together, then why the hell did you break up in the first place? Don’t you trust your own decisions? You broke up with her for a reason; stick with your principles, have faith in your own decision-making and don’t second-guess yourself or you’re only showing yourself you’re a liar and that your word doesn’t mean anything.
A good mate of mine has the opposite opinion to me – he’s downgraded a lot of his fuckbuddies to just friends. In a couple of cases, that’s worked and he’s still friends with them to this day. But for every case where it worked, there’s several where it really didn’t work out well… in fact, it was a nightmare. In those cases, it just prolonged the breakup, and caused anguish and pain for both of them over several months, until they both finally agreed, “Ok, let’s just end this properly. We can’t be friends; it’s too painful.” As his friend, that was hell to watch – nobody likes seeing their friend put himself through anguish, slowly drawn out over many months longer than it had to be.
So ultimately it’ll be up to you. My advice is don’t be friends with girls you’ve slept with; there are a million other girls out there in the world you can be friends with. It leads to a lot of complications, it often delays the breakup, and it’s usually just a cheap excuse people use because they don’t want to break up properly. “If I offer friendship to the girl I’m ending things with, I’m not a bad person!”
Sometimes in life – especially in dating, and especially as the one making the hard decision to end things – you have to be the bad guy. “Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind” was never more true than in a breakup.
UPDATE: I did 2 videos talking more about breakups here:
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