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Cover image by: Dainis Graveris.
I have a lot of fun going through some of my old sex stories from the last 4 years; they’re a great chance for me to see how far I’ve come and see what my headspace was like at the time. This one’s particularly interesting – especially all the stuff about being deeply unhappy with how small and non-muscular I was. Yep, we’re going to talk about body image issues.
I originally posted this story on Feb 2019 on the Good Looking Loser Forums. As always, any parts in blue are direct quotes from the old post I initially wrote.
Banged a cute Korean girl:
Super easy lay; banged her within a couple hours of matching her on Tinder. Met her in public, walked around for a bit and really liked her (she’s super energetic and laughed at nearly everything I said). Sex was pretty decent – she made me cum in like 3 minutes, jesus. She kept screaming “Daddy, fuck me harder, I’m gonna cum!” No man can resist that onslaught.
Here’s a vid of me belting her ass, which she really liked:
She actually got really turned on when I told her I wanted to video it; some girls are really into the idea of being filmed/doing photos with you. She got even more turned on when I asked her if I could show it to my mates. What a little exhibitionist.
In other news, with my fat loss/muscle-building efforts:
Had a huge fucking break down last week, haven’t posted about it because I was processing everything. I can relate to “bigorexia” – I have absolutely hated my body for the last 2-3 years (the entire time I’ve been on GLL). It’s a massive point of insecurity for me, and recently I’ve realised that despite getting stronger and adding muscle, I’m no more happy than I was when I could only deadlift 40kg (I can deadlift more now). I feel like I’ll never be “big enough”.
So despite all that progress, I don’t feel any better about my strength/body; in fact, I hate my body more and more as time goes on. So I’m chilling out for a bit, focusing on learning to like my body, and slowly cutting down to a place where I have abs. I like my body when I’m skinny, the issue is I hate it when I bulk and look chubby. So I’ll lean out and then *slowly* lean bulk from there, making sure I never get fat and never dislike my body again.
It fucking sucks hating your own body – you’re stuck in your body, so you need to get to a place where you’re happy with it. Bulking (and getting fat) hasn’t ever made me happy.
What’s most interesting to me now as I look back on this old story (it’s May 2020 as I write this now) is the last couple of paragraphs – the stuff about being deeply unhappy with my body.
To be honest, my body has always been my “sticking point” – the one thing I’ve taken the longest time to get to a level I’m really happy with. Sure, I lost 77lbs fairly easily (in about 9 months), but I’ve spent about 5 years or so hovering somewhere around “skinny-fat”. For a huge portion of my getting laid journey I looked like this:
Hardly a sexy boy.
It’s taken me a long, long, long time to give myself permission to actually work on my body; I had a strong sense of hopelessness when it came to ever looking really good. To be fair I’ve made slow progress over the last 4-5 years so it’s not like I’ve been spinning my wheels… but at no point have I gone all-in.
I guess it comes from high school – I was always the tall, skinny, “lanky” kid with no muscle whatsoever. I was never strong, I was never all that athletic; I used my head more than my body/hands. Years and years spent on the computer playing games, jerking off to porn and completely ignoring fitness instilled a really strong habit and self-belief that I could never be anything but skinny, or skinny-fat, or even just fat. Certainly never muscular.
Fuck that though. I’ve been seeing a weightlifting coach for a couple years, and he’s made me strong – infinitely stronger than I ever thought possible. 175kg deadlift (I started at 40kg), so I’m no slouch. And I’ve lost fat – tonnes of fat. You can see my abs these days, which was always just a pipe dream to me. I’m getting better, day by day, week by week, and though progress is slow, I know I’ll get there eventually.
Here’s the most recent pic I took in May 2020:
Certainly not elite, but a hell of a long way from where I started. Most importantly of all, I no longer hate my body. This is the first time I’ve ever been able to say that in my entire life – I’ve always been so self-conscious I couldn’t even take my shirt off at the beach, lest anyone see how I looked. Even having sex with girls used to make me worry, “What if she hates my body?” So not hating the way I look is still pretty novel for me, even though it’s been about a year now.
I know that even if my progress is slow, even if my mental blocks keep pulling me down and telling me, “I’ll never get there” – fuck that shit. Just like everything else I’ve done, I’ll become elite-looking as long as I never quit.
And trust me, I ain’t no quitter.
I’m telling you all this because I want to point out to you we all have hopelessness/limiting beliefs; it’s not just you. There’s a tonne of shit I’m fearful of, doubtful about, unsure if I’ll be able to achieve. You have to feel that hopelessness/fear, embrace it and say “Fuck it. I’ll do it anyway.”
If I can do it, you sure as hell can too.