Hopelessness and helplessness are possibly the two biggest roadblocks to your success – the two things that fuck you up the most. They’re both insidious too, in that they sit under the surface, in your subconscious, without you necessarily realising. They sabotage your success – it’s really bloody hard to make changes and work towards success if you think nothing you do will ever really work and nothing really matters.
Hopelessness/helplessness goes beyond depression – it’s far more insidious. Hopelessness isn’t just “I don’t think this will work” – it’s deeper than that. It’s a completely overwhelming knowledge that this won’t work – often expressed with “Never” and “Always” statements. “I’ll never be successful”. “I will always be a loser”. Like you’re 100% adamant it’s true; like your failure is already guaranteed before you’ve even tried.
If you believe you’ll always be a failure, & you’ll never be successful, then you’re going to self-sabotage yourself. You’ll think “I’m destined to be a failure, so I may as well hurry up and fail so I can get it over and done with.” You’ll get in your own way, and you won’t fully follow-through with the advice I/others give you. You won’t fully commit to taking action; instead just half-assing everything because deep down you’re convinced it won’t really work… so why even bother?
If you’re feeling hopeless, convinced you can’t I want you to make your way through these questions, and answer them. Either write it all down on a big piece of paper, or on your computer, or if you’re feeling brave – post them in the comments below and I’ll help you.
- Why does Andy (and other successful players) deserve to get laid a lot, but not me? Why am I special?
- Andy was a total loser at the start, so if he can get laid a lot, why can’t I?
- Am I just putting up bullshit excuses like these ones?
- Why does Andy deserve to overcome his depression, but not me?
- Why wouldn’t girls like me? Is there really something wrong with me? Can I improve that or work around it?
- Do I want to feel helpless and hopeless? Does my hopelessness help or protect me in some way – am I getting something out of it? (Watch this podcast, it covers this topic in great detail and will blow your mind).
- Do my flaws really mean no women will ever like me? Can I make up for my flaws by having some really strong, awesome strengths?
- What attributes would a player have, that I don’t?
- Can I work on getting those attributes?
- Do I deserve to be miserable and unhappy? Why? Why do other people deserve to be happy, but not me?
- Am I destined to be a failure for life, or can I change that?
- Did the universe/God/whatever preordain me to be a failure? Does that have to be the case, or can I rise up and change the course of my own life?
- The guys that are players – not all of them were players at the start [I – Andy – am a good example of this]. So they literally learned how to get laid a lot, learned how to improve themselves, learned how to lose fat, learned how to make friends, learned how to beat depression, learned how to overcome their negative thoughts… Can’t I just learn all those skills too, one by one?
And then before you read any further, I want you to watch this:
I too feel this insecurity, this hopelessness, and this helplessness sometimes – quite often, actually. A couple of years ago I worked my way through this “Approach Anxiety Program” (learning how to hit on girls in person during the day). It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done; going up to over 1,500 complete strangers and talking to them during the day, in the middle of my city with hundreds/thousands of people around. I was so damn proud of myself for getting through it, and I was finally ready to start hitting on girls and getting laid.
…Only, I didn’t hit on a single girl for the next 7 months. I just “couldn’t” do it – even after crushing that approach anxiety program, I still didn’t believe I’d ever actually get laid. I didn’t believe I “deserved” to be a player, or to fix my sex life, or to be a cool guy that girls actually liked. Good Looking Loser talks about this in detail in his great article, This Process Will Strip You Down and Force You To Confront Your Real Issues.
That Good Looking Loser article helped me immeasurably; I must have read it 50 times. I spent most of my time during those 7 months doing a whole heap of soul-searching; asking myself all the questions I wrote above. Questions like, “Why do other people deserve to get laid, but not me? Am I really that much of a fuckup? Why can’t I just go outside and talk to girls? Am I destined to be a failure for life, or can I change that?”
Digging deep and uncovering those answers too me a hell of a lot of time and effort. It was hard – becoming self-aware and self-knowledgeable always is. The thing that helped me most was posting about it on the GLL Forums every day; I used that place like a journal. I also talked to my mates about my fears and insecurities and my hopelessness. I read a tonne of self-help books (start with You Can’t Afford The Luxury Of A Negative Thought). I listened to as many motivational podcasts as I possibly could. I surrounded myself with as much positive material as I could – I was literally trying to brainwash myself into believing I could be successful.
You need to do the same – brainwash yourself into believing you can beat your hopelessness and become successful. Why the hell do you think my site motto is, If a loser like me can do it, you sure as hell can too. I’m literally trying to brainwash you into believing you can do the things I’ve done, so that you’ll go out and actually take actually and try.
And “try” is the key word – you just have to try. You don’t have to 100% believe you can be successful. I always have doubts – even to this day. By by taking tiny little baby steps towards your goal each day, you’ll eventually get there – just like I did.
It can be a long process – months, or years. Success never comes easily. But over the weeks if you just keep grinding, you’ll start noticing little positive changes; little signs that your efforts may be starting to work. You have to try to brainwash yourself into believing, “Maybe it’s possible I could be successful.”
If you believe you’ll be a failure, then you’re going to self-sabotage yourself. You’ll think “I’m destined to be a failure, so I may as well hurry up and fail so I can get it over and done with.” You’ll get in your own way, and you won’t fully follow-through with the advice I/others give you. You won’t fully commit to taking action; instead just half-assing everything because deep down you’re convinced it won’t really work.
I know its hard, but you have to rewrite the narrative that’s running in your head. You have to change it, even just a tiny tiny bit. When I didn’t think I could be successful, I just made a tiny tiny change to my thoughts: ” Ok, I’m probably going to be a failure. But there’s a 0.0001% chance I could be a success. There’s at least a TINY bit of hope. I’m probably going to be a failure, in fact it’s very likely, but maybe, just maybe, I might possibly be at least a tiny bit of a success. Maybe. Probably not. But maybe.”
And you have to hang on to that 0.0001% chance, grab it desperately and never let go. “Ok, I know I’m probably not going to be successful… But there’s still that 0.00001% chance. That’s still at least a possibility. So I’ll keep pushing forward, I’ll keep making progress, I’ll keep working on my goals just for that 0.00001% chance. I have a better chance of winning the lottery but fuck it, reaching my goals would be way better than winning the lottery. Ok, I’ll keep going.”
That 0.0001% has to be a flame you never let die out. A flame you keep burning. You have to always hang onto that hope, during your worst moments, during your moments of doubt (you’ll have millions of those). You have to hang onto that 0.00001% chance when you feel like quitting. “I can’t quit, or that 0.00001% chance will become a 0% chance. And then there’s no point to being alive.”
As long as you’re alive, as long as there’s a single breath in your body, there’s a 0.0001% chance you could succeed and build the life you’ve always wanted. 0.00001% is infinitely larger than 0%.
0.00001% isn’t going anywhere. You’ll always have that 0.00001% chance. Just never ever quit, and that flame will continue to burn.
I believe in you.
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I recommend reading “The One Thing” by Gary Keller. Been thinking about reading Slight Edge as well. I’m working on getting shredded before really pursuing women. I want attraction to be easy and feel good about myself in the mirror.
Nice, I’ve had a few people recommend that book.
Getting shredded sounds good – just make sure you don’t end up using it as an excuse to not do the hard thing and actually talk to women. It’s very easy to get shredded but then say, “Hmmm but I could be a little more leaner, maybe I’ll keep working on this before I actually talk to women”. Then “Hmmm I need to add a bit more muscle too.” I’ve seen too many guys keep putting off actually talking to girls in pursuit of the “perfect” body.
There’s no reason you can’t hit on girls right now, even if your body isn’t where you want it to be. Ask yourself this question and be honest with yourself: “Am I just waiting because I’m scared?”
-Andy
I don’t think I’m a complete failure. On the contrary I think I can say I have been somewhat at a varied range of endeavors.
However I am constantly brought back to the same realization over and over again, that I’m a complete failure at just being a human being.
I just seem to lack basic human social skills and social instincts that all humans come built with.
Why do I always feel uneasy around other people and have this desire to leave. Why is that the only place I can feel safe is either in my own house or alone in my car?
Intellectually I know this is a fatal flaw. I know that humans are meant to be social animals. I know that how ever strong or skilled I become I will never be as stronger or more skilled than two people.I know how good of a fighter I become I will never be able to defeat two or more less skilled or smaller opponents. I know however efficient I become at my job I won’t be able to do as much work as two or more other employees.
I don’t even understand human relationships. I don’t understand why groups of guys get together and hang around and do stuff. I don’t understand why women like men or get married to men.
And people get mad when I ask them. I get called a troll or a whiner or a joke or any other nasty name by people who haven’t had to deal with this.
Or maybe you are right. Maybe some part of me does understand but refuses to accept it because it protect me in some way.
For decades I wondered why people just didn’t like me. Why even my college friends and people I interacted on a daily basis with didn’t seem to care about me.
Only now in my late 30’s I’m realizing it’s me, that it’s me who doesn’t like other people.
It wouldn’t be so bad I think if I hadn’t had some success in life. If I was a 300lb guy still living in his parents basement with no life then maybe this would have been easier to live with.
” I don’t understand why groups of guys get together and hang around and do stuff. I don’t understand why women like men or get married to men.”
Have you ever tried to find out?
I know you said, “People get mad when I ask them” – SOME people will get mad. But you’re confirmation biasing; there’s plenty of people out there who’d happily give you their time and help you find answers to the questions you’re asking.
“For decades I wondered why people just didn’t like me.”
Do you want them to like you?
Yes, I do want some help and advice. I am a mess rn and any help would be a golden lifeline for me. Maybe I couldn’t make it clear in my comment as I was simply answering the questions. Btw, I have never shared any of this with anyone in my life. This was the first time coz I thought you would understand as you went through something similar.
Right now, am reading ‘Models’ (by Mark Manson) and about to finish it. Once I do, I will start with your recommended books.
Awesome, man. You can change – literally anyone can. I’m not saying it’ll be easy. I’m not saying you don’t have a HUGE number of issues to work through – you do. But to give you some context, at age 20 I was only just starting to become an alcoholic, my abusive relationship was starting to get worse, etc. That shit (and everything else) got worse and worse over the next 3-4 years. I didn’t even start improving myself until about 24, so trust me when I say you still have your entire life ahead of you.
-Andy
Why does Andy (and other successful players) deserve to get laid a lot, but not me? Why am I special?
Andy lost his V at 19 but here I am, going to turn 20 this December, and have no hopes of ever getting laid, let alone a relationship. Andy went through a lot but in the end the most important role was played by his family who supported him. Because of his family, he gathered up the courage to improve himself. They supported him spiritually and financially with love and care. Whereas I had a rough childhood and my parents don’t give a fuck about me. When I was in sixth grade, my so called ‘mother’ told me that I would always be a loser, never be happy in my life and die as a homeless beggar on the street with nobody there to love or care about me. After numerous incidents of physical and emotional abuse all these years, I now suffer from CEN and have no motivation left for any kind of sex life in future and forever. Hell, I can’t even talk to girls without having any negative thoughts. I know it is my CEN, but when I am in the situation, I lose control of my thoughts altogether. So, I am a complete mess.
Andy was a total loser at the start, so if he can get laid a lot, why can’t I?
As I said, I have anxiety issues and have talked to only four girls in my entire life so far. I don’t have the courage to talk to any girl whatsoever. Even if I was dieing, I wouldn’t ask a girl for help, rather find a guy. I know it’s stupid, and even I don’t like it, but it’s my brain taking the decisions and causing resistance, I don’t know any way to rewire it. With that said, I did have a ‘gf’, two years back. But I don’t consider her one, coz she played with me. Btw, we didn’t have sex or anything, it didn’t last long. She was sucking four other guys at the same time while being in a fake relationship with me. She was escalating fast but I didn’t have the balls to make my moves. In the end, we kissed, it was very bad, I didn’t even know how to kiss. Just that night, I got to know about the game she was playing with me. After that, the thoughts of unworthiness and loser became even stronger in my mind and now I feel like there’s no point of a relationship as all them will end up like that.
Am I just putting up bullshit excuses like these ones?
No, I am moderately light skinned Indian with short (5’7) height and I don’t consider these things as a problem. But I do look average and have absolutely fuck all fashion sense. My main problem is my mindset and dealing with negative emotions which feel very real, so real that I give up inside my mind before even taking any action. My thoughts convince me, to a great extent, to give up hopes entirely.
Why does Andy deserve to overcome his depression, but not me?
Because I was raised this way and told that I am a loser and will always remain one no matter what I do. I was severely depressed 4 years back and it took me 7 months to come out of it. I was nearly going to kill myself and even thinking about that day makes me depressed. After that I wasn’t happy or anything, I would have mood swings and be sad for the most of the time. Then after 2 years, I met that girl and finally was very happy that there was someone who cared about my existence but when I got to know that she was playing with me, all that hope went out of the window.
Why wouldn’t girls like me? Is there really something wrong with me? Can I improve that or work around it?
Coz I freeze in front of them, lose my sense of humour (which, btw, is very creative and dark in front of my guy friends) and have no fucking idea what to say. Also yes, there’s something wrong with me. When I witness PDA, I feel very sad for never being able to live that life of happiness. Whenever I see a couple, it feels like someone carved a hole in my heart. This forces me to stay indoors so that I can never feel that way coz that feeling of missing out is pathetic. That is a big problem for me. After I got played on, last year, I focused on improving myself starting with working out daily. As I didn’t have any money and my so called conservative ‘parents’ wouldn’t get me a gym membership, I started with body weight training. Tbh, I never felt that good in my entire fucking life. I felt good about my body and mind. But as soon as winter approached, I stopped working out because of the cold weather. Then I gained quite a lot and never had the motivation to start working out again. This year, as summer approached, I started running in the morning but then lockdown hit me on the face and thus, that’s gone too.
Do I want to feel helpless and hopeless? Does my hopelessness help or protect me in some way – am I getting something out of it?
No, but I have no one to direct me to the right path and give me the support which was missing throughout my childhood. I listen to ‘Law Of Attraction’ stuff sometimes, I believe in it, have seen it working and it helps to deal with the sadness sometimes.
What attributes would a player have, that I don’t?
Simply, my life is the worst nightmare of a player.
Can I work on getting those attributes?
I think I can but my CEN and state of mind pulls me to the ground everytime. Nobody would want to live like this, neither do I.
Do I deserve to be miserable and unhappy? Why? Why do other people deserve to be happy, but not me?
Nobody does but I haven’t experienced any happy events in my life to cherish. If I die today, my life would be an awful waste of time and space because nothing productive, happy or meaningful came out of me.
Am I destined to be a failure for life, or can I change that?
So far, it does look like so and I was told about all this years ago by my ‘mother’, that I would never make it.
Did the universe preordaine me to be a failure? Does that have to be the case, or can I rise up and change the course of my own life?
No, nothing is predetermined, we make our own journey. They say there’s always a light at the end of the tunnel, well I just can’t see the light, maybe because I am blinded by darkness or something but I don’t know of any way that my life could get better. If I had found one, I wouldn’t be here and I wouldn’t writing all this.
….Can’t I just learn all those skills too, one by one?
Yes, it is possible but it’s just that I can’t visualize that happening ever! I can not even imagine that things will get any better. I know that’s a pessimistic pov but that’s just how my thoughts work.
^ Thanks for sharing man, took a lot of courage.
One more question, and the most important: Did you write all that because you want my advice and for me to help you (see the comments below from other people), or to explain the reasons you’re not going to change?
Don’t take that as me being harsh or judging you – but best to be honest with yourself and with me. If you really, honestly, genuinely don’t want to fix all your issues, I’m not going to yell at you; it’s your life. But I’ll save myself the time of spending an hour writing stuff out if you’ve already made up your mind; I hope you’ll respect my time enough to be honest with me and tell me not to bother if that’s the case.
Regardless of what you do, read “Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy & Reclaiming Your Life”:
https://amzn.to/3dGZUru
Then read “You Can’t Afford the Luxury of a Negative Thought”:
https://kyil-extra.com/recommendations/#luxury
You’re an adult now; you had a shitty childhood, but you cannot blame your parents for the choices you make right now, in the present.
-Andy
Hey, I’ve only recently found this site and I’ve been loving reading it so far, as I’ve been working on self-improvement since I got the balls to go to a psychologist for my depression. Not just with ladies, but getting my shit together in general. I feel my main problem is that I have these short bursts of motivation, while finding it too easy to fall in the “same old”. This is not just dating stuff, but the small stuff like just fucking cleaning my room and doing the laundry. Actually doing shit does help me, but it constantly feels like I’m going two steps forward, one back.
I keep having these insidious self-doubts that I can’t really get rid of, like being in a quarter-life crises and feeling like it’s too late to enjoy life(Seeing you be a fucking badass at your age does give me hope, though). I notice gradual improvement, but I often feel the need to compare myself to others, which really saps my energy. It’s not that I’m doing bad or anything, I’ve got a fuckbuddy relationship going and before the whole lockdown shit, I rarely spent more than a week dry. It’s just that despite the objective success I have, I don’t really feel it.
Doesn’t help that this lockdown just makes me sit in my room all the time, which just kills a lot of motivation and really worsened my alcohol use and smoking.
Despite this, I still want to thank you for putting this out there. Especially the part about messaging helped me, I was always one to have long conversations and applying what you said, I immediately noticed better conversations. No date from it yet, but I’m hopeful.
The “stop-start, stop-start” stuff is completely normal; especially at the start. Read this:
https://killyourinnerloser.com/progress
It took me a really long time to actually get some momentum and be able to be productive most days. For the longest time, I’d have a few good days, then a terrible week, then a few more good days, then another terrible week. Hell, at one point, I took 7 months off where I did basically nothing and fell into a depression (this was about 3-4 years ago). None of that matters, as long as you just never quit.
“I often feel the need to compare myself to others”
That’s normal. We all do that; I still do to this day (but I’m getting better at going easy on myself).
“It’s just that despite the objective success I have, I don’t really feel it.”
Because you probably have bigger goals and bigger dreams that you haven’t accomplished yet. Of course you don’t feel successful; why would you when you haven’t hit the really BIG goals I’m sure are floating around your head.
“this lockdown just makes me sit in my room all the time… worsened my alcohol use and smoking”
This lockdown isn’t “making” you do anything. You can go outside – even with restrictions. Make an excuse (“I’m going grocery shopping”) and go outside at least once a day. You’re choosing to be a victim of the lockdown. Reframe it in your head as “Fuck this lockdown, I won’t let the lockdown win; I’m going to stay strong and healthy.” Fight back. “These motherfuckers want me to stay in my room and drink and smoke and be depressed. Go fuck yourself, I’m going to be as healthy and happy as I fucking can. You won’t beat me.”
Here’s what I want you to do: Write down your really BIG goals, and post them here. What do you actually want – what’s something that would make you feel successful, like you’ve actually made it? For me it was things like having a 3some, having sex with 100 girls, being able to deadlift 180kg, quitting my job and going full-time with coaching. (I thought all of these things were impossible, by the way).
Once you know exactly what will actually make you happy and give you that feeling of success, then you know the path forward.
-Andy
“This lockdown isn’t “making” you do anything. You can go outside – even with restrictions.”
Nah, it’s not the going outside part. That’s not the problem. It’s the restriction on social gatherings.
“Here’s what I want you to do: Write down your really BIG goals”
To be honest, this one was a bit difficult for me. Maybe that’s part of the problem. I don’t fully know what I want to do, I just kind of know what direction I want to go in. I’ve been thinking for a while on it, and I guess these goals describe it quite well:
Get a degree (Almost there) and getting a job I’m proud of working at
Have a 3some and have sex with at least 50 girls
Be able to “be fluent” in Chinese (Oddly specific, I know)
Spent a year or so living abroad
But what’s there to say that whenever I reach these goals, there’s not an even bigger goal to overshadow these?
“But what’s there to say that whenever I reach these goals, there’s not an even bigger goal to overshadow these?”
Now you’re starting to get it. Read these 4 articles:
https://killyourinnerloser.com/life-is-a-process-of-trying-on-lots-of-hats/
https://killyourinnerloser.com/self-improvement-is-a-lifelong-endeavour/
https://killyourinnerloser.com/sexual-apathy/
https://killyourinnerloser.com/settling/
There’s no one set of goals you’ll achieve that will make you feel like you’ve “made it”. There’s no destination you get to where you feel like, “Ok, I achieved everything I’m done. Time to sit back and do nothing.” You’ll spend the rest of your life working on bigger and bigger goals – that’s a good thing.
That doesn’t mean you’ll be unhappy though. Achieving goals makes you a more confident, happier man. You’ll find you become more happy with yourself, you become more confident in your own skin, and you’ll get to a point where you can relax – knowing you’ve already achieved things most people would dream of. (I’m at that point now – I’ve been at that point for about 2 years).
Yes, you’ll still have goals you want to achieve (I want to become rich, I want this website to change at least 1000 men’s lives in a significant way, I want to deadlift 200kg, I want to have very visible abs, and I want to write a book). But you’ll already be happy with what you’ve achieved in the past, so any future goals will feel like a nice bonus – something extra.
All this corona shit got a mate and I talking, and we said this:
We’ve both achieved a tonne of goals we never thought we ever could. At this point, if we were to die, we wouldn’t really have any regrets. Which means, for the rest of our lives, any more goals we achieve are an unexpected bonus.
You’ll get to the same point, once you start achieving a few of your really big goals – the things you think are utterly impossible right now. The goals you wrote down are really good goals. Work towards them – you’ll find a lot of meaning in working towards them. There’s always more value in the journey rather than the destination (but the destination is nice too). Once you do get there, once you do have 50 lays and a 3some and can speak fluent Chinese, you’ll feel a hell of a lot happier with yourself.
-Andy
“There’s no one set of goals you’ll achieve that will make you feel like you’ve “made it”. There’s no destination you get to where you feel like, “Ok, I achieved everything I’m done. Time to sit back and do nothing.” You’ll spend the rest of your life working on bigger and bigger goals – that’s a good thing.”
Maybe that’s the thing I’m struggling with.
And the post on how “Life is a Process of Trying on Different Hats” is a pretty good one. I always felt like changing myself that way was giving up in some way, together with growing up in a family with a mother that teased people trying to better themselves, which took a long time to get over.
But this is some great reading, thanks!
“I want this website to change at least 1000 men’s lives in a significant way”
And I’ll aim to be one of those 1000!
Why can’t I fix myself like Andy did? Because I’m very socially awkward… and no matter what I’ve done, it does not improve. I’m socially awkward because of my shitty appearance and how many people, including friends have treated me like absolute shit most of my life. I’m losing my hair (really hurts because without hair I’m unfuckable)… pretty bad eye wrinkles and dark bags. Bad skin… amongst other issues, most of which can’t be fixed. I’ve wanted nothing more than to have a small social circle, have a meaningful relationship or at least be able to date, and to just be good enough. I have tried so many things… there are a lot of okay or decent days but a lot of very bad days too. The last thing I want to do is die, but every year that goes by, I feel like that it may just be my only choice because of how ugly I am and how utterly worthless I appear to be to society. I’m not really sure what to do anymore. Part of me says just to end it in the next few years, after there is no more hope left. Part of me really wants to but a bigger part wishes I didn’t have to. I’m sorry, I apologize for rambling…
Socially-awkward – so are most of my clients when they first see me. One had literally 0 friends. I started out with 0 friends.
Shitty appearance can be fixed.
Friends who treat you like shit – why are you staying friends with them?
Losing hair – Me too. I’m half-bald.
Wrinkles/dark bags – get eye cream, or get a nip and tuck (minor surgery).
Small social circle – go on meetup.com and make friends (after lockdown is over).
Date – follow my Tinder guide.
Respectfully mate, it sounds like you’re already past the point of completely giving up, and you don’t actually really want help. It sounds like you’re asking me for permission to quit.
Would that be a fair assertion?
Aight, I’ll bite. Been lurking this site for a while, your story is awesome so what the hell, as someone who haven’t had sex at 26 I’ll speak :).
Why does Andy (and other successful players) deserve to get laid a lot, but not me? Why am I special?
IIRC Andy lost his virginity at 19. That is highschool age, so a normal one where people begin to fuck. For me, it just didn’t happen. Why? I can’t quite place – when everybody started to get laid, I didn’t date at all, it just missed me somehow. But I feel being a 26 yo virgin, it’s just a huge red flag and I’m past my time.
Andy was a total loser at the start, so if he can get laid a lot, why can’t I?
Referring back to previous question – I feel everyone else who was “normal” dated girls in highschool and learned the ropes that way – I didn’t. This way I feel I have a huge hole in essential experience which is super hard to make up now.
Am I just putting up bullshit excuses like these ones?
I feel like I kinda do. My height mostly – I’m 5’5, it might be a “bullshit excuse” in your terms, but still I feel there’s no other attribute girls discriminate as much as this and it puts me at huge disadvantage.
Why does Andy deserve to overcome his depression, but not me?
Andy was a badass :). But honestly, it just feels like somehow I’ve been given and I don’t know even where to start due to my inexperience.
Why wouldn’t girls like me? Is there really something wrong with me? Can I improve that or work around it?
This one is hardest to answer. I feel there is something wrong with me but I can’t place what exactly – simply, if you are 26 and never had sex, something is fucking wrong.
Do I want to feel helpless and hopeless? Does my hopelessness help or protect me in some way – am I getting something out of it? (Watch this podcast, it covers this topic in great detail and will blow your mind).
The classic “comfort zone” example. I hate my hopelessness but I’m attached to it at same time – it’s kinda become my comfort zone and it seems really hard to change it now. Besides, referring other questions, just seems for me like I’m stuck for good.
Do my flaws really mean no women will ever like me? Can I make up for my flaws by having some really strong, awesome strengths?
Honestly I kinda believe it at this point. Why would a sane woman want a 26 yo virgin?
What attributes would a player have, that I don’t?
I think a biggest one is making contact with a stranger. I absolutely despise small talk about random shit, I’m a massive introvert and basically, making conversation with someone I don’t already know is a painful chore for me.
Can I work on getting those attributes?
My biggest weakness, as mentioned earlier, is “talking about random shit” which is yet essential while meeting a new person. From what I read these are “social skills” that can be worked upon so I guess, yeah. But changing this 180 degrees seems distant, like something that only happens in internet stories.
Do I deserve to be miserable and unhappy? Why? Why do other people deserve to be happy, but not me?
I don’t think about this like that honestly. I have “deal with cards you have been given with” mindset. So it’s something I kinda accepted already.
Am I destined to be a failure for life, or can I change that?
That’s the thing… Beside having 0 sex, I’m not a failure. I have a good job, I earn much above average money for my country, I workout and I’m strong, though I got a bit fat, I guess I’m “musclefat” at this point? I got a lot of hobbies. Basically my life is perfect aside from not getting laid. “Can I change that” is the biggest question I don’t really have an answer to.
Did the universe/God/whatever preordaine me to be a failure? Does that have to be the case, or can I rise up and change the course of my own life?
Even though I don’t believe in God per se, I often think some higher power cast this upon me as a test or some shit like this… can I change this seems to be the biggest question I don’t have a good answer to myself.
The guys that are players – not all of them were players at the start [I – Andy – am a good example of this]. So they literally learned how to get laid a lot, learned how to improve themselves, learned how to lose fat, learned how to make friends, learned how to beat depression, learned how to overcome their negative thoughts… Can’t I just learn all those skills too, one by one?
It’s contradictory for me… I see these transformations in the net, but I don’t seem to see this in real life at all. IRL I see two groups – guys who have been getting laid left and right since young age, and people like me – who just can’t seem to get it. I never seen anyone bad with girls from the start to turn it all around. It all seems like you get it at the very start or you don’t. Later it doesn’t seem to go elsewhere.
Congrats on having the balls to post your story mate. Seriously, that’s a big step.
Whether or not you (you, personally) change depends on whether or not you really want to change. I can type out 30 paragraphs to you here with all the best information in the universe, but if you don’t actually want to change, you’ll just dismiss my advice, or only do it half-heartedly, or give me reasons why it won’t work for you.
I’ll give you some of my thoughts here. I could go on for hours and hours (I would if you were a client), but I’ll have to keep it relatively short here for brevity. So a lot of my answers are going to seem “cold” or “unsympathetic” – simply because I don’t have time to write 10 paragraphs about everything you said; nor to take the time to show you I empathise with you.
But I do want to make it clear: I really do empathise. I feel your pain. I know the feeling of hopelessness and thinking it’s too late. I felt that a tiny bit with getting laid, but a WHOLE LOT with earning money/starting my business. Starting this website and becoming a coach was the hardest thing I ever did, because I was absolutely convinced I could never ever make it. I’ve been a loser with money all my life (I have $25,000 in debt right now still), and I felt like debt was a hole that was sucking me deeper and deeper, and I’d never ever be able to pull myself out. I had panic attacks over it, and months/years of not being able to sleep because of it. So trust me, I understand hopelessness – and I understand how to push past it and still find success. (Even right now, I’m still often hit by hopelessness/the feeling I’ll never make it with this site).
Assuming you’re serious, go watch the video I linked to:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MPnWbj70TTY
It starts off a little slow but they dive deep into the topic of hopelessness. The guy in the video doesn’t ever believe he’ll lose his virginity, so he’s subconsciously sabotaging himself at every turn. I’m assuming some of that is relevant to you too – it certainly seems to be the case based on your reply.
As for being a virgin at 26, how the fuck does that mean you can’t lose your virginity? I’ll keep the details vague out of respect for my coaching clients, but two of my coaching clients were total virgins when they first started seeing me. One guy in his 30’s, one guy in his mid-20’s. The guy in his 30’s had a multitude of insecurities, fears, worries that “It’s too late for me – I’m already past 30″. Guess what? 2 months into coaching with me he lost his virginity, and he’s had a number of lays since.
The other guy started off with zero friends (and no idea how to make friends). Complete virgin. Within 2 months I helped him make 3 big groups of friends, and one of those groups of friends were crazy party people who took him to a gangbang. He got his dick sucked by a girl there – this is within 2/3 months of seeing me, and remember he was a virgin.
If these two dudes (who are both older than you) can lose their virginity within 2-3 months of actually trying, then you sure as hell can too.
” I’m past my time.”
Refer above. No you’re fucking not. You’re 26, not 86. You sound like an old man, what the hell.
“I have a huge hole in essential experience which is super hard to make up now.”
Yep, so better get started – stop sitting around doing nothing.
“My height mostly – I’m 5’5”
Complete and utter bullshit. The guy in his 30’s is 5’6. The guy in his 20’s is 5ftsomething (can’t remember). Both of them lost their virginity. Just date girls who are shorter than you (plenty of them – girls are short). Wear heigh-increasing shoes/inserts (they add up to 3-4 inches).
“Andy was a badass :)”
No. Go back and read my transformation:
https://killyourinnerloser.com/my-transformation
Every single day, for YEARS, I would wake up and want to kill myself. I fantasised about a million ways of doing it.
I was in abusive relationships (actual, physical and mental abuse) for 10 years in total.
I was an alcoholic with a severe porn addiction (8+ hours a day).
I was almost obese.
I had 0 friends.
I can keep going on – does any of that sound like “a badass”? Or does it sound like a fucking loser?
I’m also deeply insecure, and I rarely feel like a badass. I talk about it on this site, including these articles:
https://killyourinnerloser.com/doubt/
https://killyourinnerloser.com/musings-of-a-non-completionist-2/
” I don’t know even where to start due to my inexperience.”
Start with my Tinder guide. I wrote it with virgins in mind:
https://killyourinnerloser.com/tinder-guide
If you can’t do that, then read “You Can’t Afford the Luxury of a Negative Thought“.
Just do something.
‘ I feel there is something wrong with me”
The only thing wrong with you is you’re making excuses not to actually commit to losing your virginity.
“I hate my hopelessness but I’m attached to it at same time ”
Good. You’re self-aware. Fuck your hopelessness, it’s dragging you down; you’ll die full of regrets if you let your hopelessness control your life. Do you really want to be a 60yo virgin? Fuck that shit, and fuck your hopelessness – commit to getting laid.
“Why would a sane woman want a 26 yo virgin?”
Because there are a million truly lovely girls out there who are fucking nice people and don’t give a shit if you’re a virgin. Read this (scroll down to “low lay count”):
https://killyourinnerloser.com/how-many-girls-have-you-slept-with/
Also, my mid-20’s and early-30’s clients both got their dicks wet. With sane, nice women. Stop treating your virginity like it’s something to be ashamed of – you’ve made it your identity. You WANT to not get laid, because if you get laid, then suddenly you don’t get to call yourself a “virgin” anymore, and then what are you? You identify as a virgin right now, and that’s comforting – at least it’s an identity.
If you’re not a virgin, what are you?
“I think a biggest one is making contact with a stranger. ”
Most of my clients who see me have huge issues with even just talking to girls. You don’t have to be good at talking to girls – you can fucking suck at it. I’ve covered that concept in a million articles at this point.
“I absolutely despise small talk about random shit”
Then don’t make small talk about random shit. At what point did I indicate you have to make smalltalk about random shit in order to get laid? My tinder guide makes it very clear you can talk about or do whatever you want – I make it VERY clear your mission is to entertain YOURSELF. So talk about whatever interests YOU – not “random shit”.
“From what I read these are “social skills” that can be worked upon so I guess, yeah. ”
Yep. Practice makes perfect. You’ll fucking suck at the start (I did, so did a few of my clients). It’s ok to be terrible at first.
“But changing this 180 degrees seems distant, like something that only happens in internet stories.”
How do you think EVERY SINGLE ONE of my clients feels when they first see me? They all say EXACTLY what you just said. “I know you changed, Andy… but I’m a special case. I’m an impossible case. I can’t be helped.” Lol no. Literally everyone can be helped, if they’re willing to actually be helped. You can’t be helped if you resist and fight the help.
“So it’s something I kinda accepted already.”
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Learned_helplessness
You can fix that with this book (as well as “You Can’t Afford the Luxury of a Negative Thought”):
https://www.amazon.com/Learned-Optimism-Change-Your-Mind/dp/1400078393
“Beside having 0 sex, I’m not a failure.”
Then man up and fix your sex life. You’re clearly capable of being awesome, having a job, working out, having hobbies. You sucked at all of those things at the start, and you just improved over time. Why have you decided it isn’t ok for you to suck at getting laid? Why have you put these weird fucking expectations on yourself that you’re somehow supposed to be good at smalltalk, good at talking to girls, good at getting laid? Why haven’t you made any allowances for the fact you’ll suck at this stuff at the start?
With everything else, you didn’t have unreasonable expectations. But your expectations with girls are impossible, which means you’re guaranteeing your own failure (because you’ve literally defined failure as “If I can’t do smalltalk, I’m a failure.”)
“can I change this seems to be the biggest question I don’t have a good answer to myself.”
I’ve worked with enough guys over the years (and helped a bunch of others on a few internet forums) to know that everyone can change. I have not seen a single person who cannot change. The caveat is they have to WANT to change – I can’t force anyone to change. I can’t make you change. That’s entirely up to you – you either take the advice/help and use it, or you resist it/discard it/argue against it.
Anyone can change. But they have to be open to change. Only you can answer that question (I don’t know you well enough to know if you want to be helped).
” I see these transformations in the net, but I don’t seem to see this in real life at all. ”
What, is the net not real? Does the internet not count? Who gives a shit who you see in real life. I don’t see any eskimo people in real life, but they’re all over the net… does that mean they’re not real? I don’t see mars in real life but I see it on the internet, does that mean it’s not real?
I’ve documented most of my journey (I’ll be writing a longer article about my depression and suicide attempts in future) – I can’t imagine anyone reading everything I’ve written and then saying “Yeah but that’s just some guy on the internet, I can’t do what he did, just because he’s on the internet”. That’s such a weird objection/excuse.
Wow man, thanks for taking time for that.
Something I wanna clarify right away cause I think it didn’t come out clear – when I said you were a badass I meant specifically how you were not one at the beginning but managed to change – something I failed to do so far. For me it’s something uber impressive.
The rest of your answer gave me a lot of insights to think about – quite a bit to process too. Now I’ve got a lot of time to think (going anywhere outside without an important reason is pretty much illegal where I live right now due to the virus) so I certainly will. I’ve been considering coaching from you even before writing this too, now even more so. So I think you might hear from me again :). Again, thanks for that, means a lot 🙂
You’re welcome mate – it took a lot of balls for you to share everything you wrote.
The main theme I want you to walk away with is – everyone is fixable. You don’t even have to believe you’re fixable (having doubts is normal); you just have to try.
-Andy