This is a follow-up to Musings of a Non-Completionist 2: The Hustle. Read that first.
I started this site just over a year ago, and it’s been an incredibly fulfilling journey so far. I’ve met some awesome people, been able to share in their stories, and I’ve written far more than I ever thought possible – 274,207 words (and another 140,793 words sitting in drafts). But why do I write?
I love seeing underdog stories. I always have. I love my own story for exactly this reason – I started out about as low as anyone possibly could be; depressed, suicidal, agoraphobic, in an abusive relationship and with an alcohol & porn addiction that crippled me. I’m proud of how far I’ve come, and it’s my mission to pull other guys out of the ruts they’re in and push them towards success. After all, if I’ve done it… you sure as hell can too.
I love the complete joy I feel when one of my clients who’s a virgin tells me he just got his first ever lay. The immense, overwhelming feeling of pride I get when I see the look on his face as he’s recounting the story, knowing this badass motherfucker just overcame one of the toughest challenges & mental hurdles he’ll ever face. I love knowing this is only the beginning – that in 3 months time he’ll be going on so many dates each week he’ll actually start to lose count.
I love that moment when we look back at how far he’s come, knowing where he started. I love the look of almost disbelief on his face as he’s sharing his successes each week, unable to fully grasp the fact that this is his life now. And it’s awesome.
I love the feeling of showing guys it’s possible to turn their life around and achieve things they never thought they could. I love that moment when it finally clicks and they realise they can have literally anything they want – as long as they’re willing to work for it. The sky’s the limit.
I love knowing I’m helping a tonne of guys avoid all the hellish pitfalls I had to go through in order to get here. I love knowing I can make other people’s lives even 1% better, or 1% easier; reduce their suffering by even 1%. For me, if I help even just one person, I’m happy.
I love knowing that all the ideas that are in my head won’t die; I get to write them down, put them on my site, and have them be immortalised for years to come. I love knowing everything I’ve struggled with, every hurdle I overcame, every moment of doubt and fear and insecurity and hopelessness wasn’t for nothing; it all got me to this moment here where I can use those struggles to help other people.
I love knowing my philosophies, my principles, my knowledge and the things I’ve learned aren’t fleeting or transient or momentary; if I put them on this site, they’ll endure forever.
I can’t imagine my life without this website, without my coaching, without being able to tell my story, without getting to share in other people’s successes every day. I’m fucking blessed; I know that. I never take it for granted, not for a single moment – and I never could.
That’s why I write for this site. But I’m more curious about you though:
Why do you read this site?
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I read this site, because you have an awesome attitude, you help me learn a bit more about myself. And (because i am on the why to get my shit together this year. I started in January) you give me some ideas i can think about and see how they fit in my life (sometimes need a little bit adjustment).
But because you are one of the very less “Pickup Guys” with a attitude thats kinda like my own one, i see it can work even without “bullshiting” on girls and that is was i love the most about your site.
Max
Hey mate, really appreciate the comment – means a lot. Absolutely you can get laid without lying or manipulating girls.
Keep on pushing mate, go build an awesome life.
Hey Andy, new to this site here. I got here because I was so compelled by your post on Reddit, and I appreciate you using real nudes on your proof page. I’m a 24 year old male who just came from a horrible year last year. Was lost in my career to the point that I didn’t know how my first step in the job market should look like, and I broke up with my girl. I went completely anti-social by then. So, last year was just abyssmal.
Fast forward to this year, I’ve decided to finally take myself seriously. I planned to get a job and fix both my dating and social life. Then, COVID-19 struck, and everyone is in quarantine. I am just beyond frustrated that this incident has made me helpless to advance my career and dating life, and I nearly spiraled again into complete hopeless and helplessness.
To stave these feelings of helplessness off, I took an online course on Python. It was also during this time that I have found your website from Reddit, and I was glad I found you when I started reading your proof page. I was the school nerd and the nice guy back in college, and I never partied or get laid. Since I am not looking for a serious relationship yet, your Tinder guide is golden. Not just as a guide to get laid, but also as a goal to keep improving myself.
Reading your articles deeply resonate with me, as I am in the stage that I just want to get laid to validate my ego. Also, your blog gives me the masculine energy that a bunch of guy friends would, the friends I never had. Not to mention, to compensate for what I am missing out back in university. I am working on landing a job soon, and I am also working on taking better photos during quarantine period.
Stay safe Andy, and cheers.
Awesome mate, it’s really cool of you to share all this. Glad to hear you’re not letting yourself be a victim of corona – even in a damn pandemic there’s always something you can do to make yourself a better man.
That’s cool re: Python; I dabbled in it a bit a few years ago. Coming from a Javascript background, I liked Python a bit better.
Keep pushing yourself mate.
-Andy
Oh, being proactive during the pandemic is much tougher than I thought. For example, I am actually just watching Youtube right now, when I should be actually sending applications. But there are days where I do send more than my fair share of those applications.
The way you described yourself, you seem to be a software engineer in your day job, aren’t you? Recently took a course in Automating Office Tasks with Python, and I was just spellbound by it. I can save companies tons of money with what I can do. I came from an engineering background, so going to software should be easier than for other people.
And damn, I gotta share this: I just watched a video that mentioned that pair-bonding (read: getting laid) is actually necessary for a man to become successful and responsible. And I am just frustrated because my upbringing (read: repressive religious household) kept me from getting on with it. It’s from Timcast: https://youtu.be/6hZkbIacydk. Don’t mind the clickbaity headline; I don’t care about being a feminist. But He said some glaring truths about dating. That women are meant to be attracted to men better than the ladies, and he mentions that there are more and more basement dwelling men that will have less experience dating. As a result, they become stunted in their growth. This video just sent shivers down my spine, because I was acting like the basement dwelling nerd for the past year.
Anyway, I practically know what I should be doing now. And I enjoy reading your blog. Some I know I should be doing, and some are new revelations I learn about myself. Wish me luck, and good luck with your coaching business.
Good luck. Go kick some ass.
-Andy
Hey Andy, just wanted to write back to you to let you know I started to take pics of 2 kinds of outfits following your Tinder guide. I will take more in the next few days. Nothing much to say, but I just want to let you know this badass is taking action on your guide. 😉
Fucking legend. Keep it up.
Hi Andy, there’s many reasons why I enjoy reading your site.
For starters there’s similarities between your past self and I (getting your shit together in your late 20s), and I can project myself in the future by looking at you as a role model, if that makes sense.
Second, you are credible because you provide abundant proof that you are legit: transformation pics, pics of the girls you’ve slept with, tinder messages etc.
Third, you’re putting massive efforts into writing some of your guides, with plenty of details. It’s not these value-less, 400 word blog posts with the right keywords to attract google’s algorithm, that you see all around the web.
And perhaps most importantly, you’ve got a unique spin on the seduction topic, that resonates with me. I used to think I had to be charming, witty, super confident, professionally accomplished, manipulative and dodge all kinds of “tests” to get girls – which has discouraged me from even trying to date girls for practically my whole life. And you’re like “look good, be honest about what you want and who you are, and you’ll find girls who dig you.” It’s SUPER refreshing! Seriously. Your advice on honesty, and being on the same team – I’m gonna sound gay for saying this but – it’s really restoring my faith in humanity and healing my soul. It might be the push I needed to get myself out there.
To top it off, you’re being so very real with us by opening up about how you feel / your insecurities, which only makes you look more human and relatable.
So thanks for what you’re doing.
Thanks mate, that all means a lot.
Yeah, I used to think all of that “alpha” stuff was required in order to get laid a lot – and that if I ever stopped trying to be “perfect”, girls would attack me or something. It wasn’t until I had gotten laid a lot that I realised none of it was necessary, at all. I started being really nice to girls and actually found more of them stuck around.
I still had a part of me that wondered, “Yeah but maybe that’s just because I’m confident and experienced and already know what I’m doing. Maybe honesty wouldn’t work for a total newbie.” But as soon as I had my first 10 coaching clients (including a couple of guys who were virgins), and got them to be just as honest as I am, they all started reporting, “Holy shit Andy, girls are WAY nicer to me now than they ever were in the past. And I’m getting laid WAY more.”
I can’t see any reason anyone would ever want to not be on the same team as girls. It gets you laid at least as much as being a dick – but with the benefit of girls sticking around for longer, being nicer to you, actually adding some value to your life and looking up to you and respecting you. Plus there’s infinitely less drama and less manipulation.
Thanks again for the comment mate.
-Andy
I read it because alot of what you write is something you could directly apply. Also I am really excited about the stuff you will write in the future. Would love to know if you still have the “how to make friends” guide somewhere (since the old link isnt working). Except for the shape thing maybe (I am not in the worst shape imgaginable) and some basic confidence I have, I am starting almost from zero in quite a lot of areas at the age of 27 now. I think life is a rollercoaster for many people though so almost everything seems possible, (especially when you finally have a clue on how to even make the first steps because you read them in a helpful applicable guide
“alot of what you write is something you could directly apply. ”
This is really useful feedback mate – thanks. I’ll try to keep my site roughly 50% “actionable content” – stuff you can literally do right this second. And 50% “mindset/motivation” stuff.
I’d temporarily taken the “How to Make Friends” article down while I added some stuff to it. It’s back up:
https://killyourinnerloser.com/surround-yourself-with-good-people/
“I am starting almost from zero in quite a lot of areas at the age of 27 now.”
It sucks starting from scratch, but don’t stress too much. I didn’t start working on my sex life until age 28. And I had absolutely ZERO friends when I was age 26. I also had no money (I was $30,000 in debt), was weak (had never been to the gym) and kinda chubby.
If you get started right now, by the time you’re 30, you can definitely have your shit together. And trust me when I say 30 is the perfect age to get laid, or start a business, or start travelling – whatever your goal is. And then by the time you’re 32 like I am, your life could be pretty fucking amazing.
You just have to start now.
“The best time to plant a tree is 20 years ago. The second best time is now.”
-Andy
I am 27 and have been on GLL since 2013 so fortunately I havent fucked up in all areas. (I have trained for many years and although I have let myself go a bit, at least I already have the training knowledge. I also recently finally got my own apartment and in addition to that I kinda know what I want to do as a job in the future- mostly blue collar/technical stuff in electricity).
But other than that I am just insecure about me being able to get laid or a relationship. I spent most oft the last 5 years sitting in my room kinda passively, dropping out of law school and then trying lots of different jobs) Other than that I have nothing really to show for that time which leads to my 2 biggest insecurities:
1. I really dont have friends. My phone like never rings and I get no messages at all besides from working colleagues in a whatsapp group related to work stuff. Thats also one of the reasons I deactivated facebook years ago because I didnt have any recent pictures there anymore. Girls and other people can see through facebook if you have stuff and fun activities going on so I just deactivated it.
2. I dont really have hobbies or anything going on. For the past 12 months I just went to work, came home usually tired and would watch something motivating on youtube, listen to metal music and occasionally like once a week go to the gym to stay in shape. Or I would go back to watching stuff on tv, sit in front of the computer reading articles or numb my depression with alcohol/video games/ fuck an escort once every few months.
So I literally dont have any hobbies (or skills ) beside going to the gym, listen to music on the internet or watch some tv series to numb my feelings after work.
Which girl is going to put up with that? Will girls fuck me or stay with me if they find out I dont have friends or real hobbies/skills??
I dont know where to effectively start in a situation like that. MOST IMPORTANTLY I am scared and embarassed what she will think and reject me once she is in my place and finds out I have no friendships and realy activities/hobbies. (and girls will find that out after sex really soon).
Famous youtubers like Aaron Clarey say that everyone loses all their friends once they get a bit older (for various reasons, like people not wanting to be friends anymore, being too tired because they have kids and thousands of other reasons.) and in the past years I always thought and still think that there is some truth to that. I am sure this has been a contributor for me not to get into friendships easily anymore because they usually fall apart anyway.
When it comes to friends I have been always more of a loner and had no problem with not having too many friends. But I do want a girl/girls in my life and they certainly will care more. I literally dont really have anyone anymore who would even take pictures of me (like for an online dating profile). Last time I met some old high school friends was like 6 months ago and my last pictures that someone took of me are almost 4 years ago.
I dont know where to effectively start in a situation like that. ( And am terrified what a girl will think if she finds out I have no friends at all and no real activities that fill my day.)
I am going to lose fat now and get back into shape once gyms open again (it is actually now when the gyms are closed and I spend most of the time at home that I realize how lonely I am).
In addition to that I will order the book “You cant afford the luxury of negative thoughts soon” as you recommended. Then I am going to get some edgier clothes once stores open again and make sure I get a goddamn first tattoo this year no matter what. Then I will start talking to random pretty and some less pretty girls right where I live because I really cant keep living like that in isolation anymore.
What is your take on the whole thing? Does my logic make sense or should I approach it all in a different order? Should I find some new hobbies/activities friends or try to get laid first and get into a relationship first for more sexual experience?
Bare in mind it’s hard for me to deeply help without you being my client because there’s only so much I can write in a couple of comments. I’m not going to pretend I can instantly turn your life around. There’s clearly something holding you back from making friends, and without properly talking to you and getting to know the root of the problem, I can’t snap my fingers and instantly fix it for you.
You might be expecting me to give you some “nugget of wisdom”, some epiphany that’ll instantly turn you into a different person. Watch the YouTube video that’s on this page, he talks about “pearls of wisdom”:
https://killyourinnerloser.com/hopeless-and-helpless/
I can’t really give you that one “pearl of wisdom” in a comment I’ve only put 5 minutes worth of effort into.
That said – you’ve gotta work on the friends thing ASAP. Even if you have ONE friend – that’s better than 0. I only have 3 friends right now (yes, 3) – that’s more than enough to satisfy me and stop me feeling lonely. So you just have to start with ONE friend, and go from there.
What’s stopping you from doing any of the things I listed here?
https://killyourinnerloser.com/surround-yourself-with-good-people/
Remember that I started with zero friends myself. Like, literally ZERO. I just did most of the things I listed in that article. Yes, it’s hard at first – but you can definitely do it.
I know I said this in the previous comment but it’s worth repeating: I only started my self-improvement when I was 28. You’re 27 now; perfect time to start.
( know it’s harder now during Corona – you can still do some of those things, and do the meetups once lockdown ends).
Hobbies:
Just go try a bunch of shit, and you’ll eventually find stuff you like. I did exactly this – through meetup.com (I know corona makes it harder right now; there’s still stuff you can explore on your own).
You don’t have hobbies right now so change that. One of my clients had literally ZERO friends and ZERO hobbies when he first started seeing me. I just got him to do a bunch of random shit until he found a few things he likes (karaoke, having parties on a yacht with this rich friend he met through meetup.com, etc) He went from zero friends to partying on yachts within 2 months. If you knew him, you’d say he’s not anything special – you can definitely do what he’s done.
In terms of the order of doing things:
Either order will work – fixing your social life will help with girls. And fixing your girl life will help with social life.
But why not do both at the same time? That’s what I did.
Remember, you don’t have to be perfect. If you’re a bit of a loser and you have no social life and you’re worried girls will judge you for it – that’s fine. I was deeply insecure and felt like a massive loser for most of the time I was getting laid. It’s not the end of the world to be an insecure, neurotic mess – you can still keep making progress.
Andy thanks a lot for writing this for me. I just felt so fucking bad yesterday when I wrote this. Today seems a little bit brighter. Life is a rollercoaster. I literally know a guy who had it all and was married at 28, then was homeless and without a job at 34, then married again at 38 with a nice house, then lost it all again at 43. Now he is like 50 and in a comfortable position but had to work crazy hours to get there…
I will have to fix some basics but definitely willing to try some of your coaching stuff too later down the road. I just need to fix some very basics about my life first.
Thanks again for writing this
You’re welcome mate. Keep your chin up – as long as you never quit, success is inevitable (eventually).