When guys first jump into the self-improvement game, they have a concept in their heads of a perfect guy they want to eventually become – a guy who’s confident, masculine, great with women, never weighed down by emotions, fears or insecurities. A true go-getter who does what he wants and doesn’t even stop to consider what others might think of him. They call this majestic man, “an Alpha”.
Truth is though, there is no such thing as an “alpha”; it’s a made-up fantasy, the male equivalent of a Disney fairytale.
I understand what guys mean when they say, “I want to be an alpha.” Hell, I spent the first few years of my self-improvement journey trying to become “an alpha”. Most guys do. When you’re starting out with self-improvement/getting laid, you feel like you’re so far from where you want to be – you know you have 10,000 steps you need to take before you’ll be anywhere near happy with yourself. You build up this idealised notion of who you have to become in order to considered a true man.
This idealised, alpha man is everything you’re not. He is the embodiment of perfection, because that’s exactly who you’ve built him up to be in your head. You’ve mashed together a bunch of idealised traits your perfect “alpha” has, pulling some traits from movies you’ve seen, some traits from celebrities you idolise, some traits you’ve invented that are so impossibly unrealistic nobody in the real world could ever live up to. You know what I’m talking about; an alpha has to have:
- Rugged looks, a steely jaw.
- A strong, muscular body, but lean too – ready to fight.
- A deep voice that commands the room.
- The ability to sleep with any woman he chooses, with minimal effort; women swoon over him and he has his pick of the litter.
- Rich and well-off; money means nothing to him.
- Charming, funny, able to spin a tale and captivate his audience.
- Knows when to stay quiet and mysterious – the strong, silent type.
- Most importantly of all, stoic and never ruffled by anything life throws at him. He seems almost emotionless; he’s the epitomy of stability.
- Twenty other characteristics you sit around fantasising about possessing some day.
The problem is, nobody in the real world embodies all of those characteristics. A lot of those characteristics on their own will take years for any one man to achieve; let alone all of them added together. No one man could possibly have his shit together in all those areas. Your “alpha” doesn’t exist.
And putting the label of “alpha” on those traits doesn’t help you in the slightest, because it makes your success binary – you’re saying, “I’m either an alpha winner, or a beta loser.” You haven’t left any room for anything in-between; you’re saying during your entire self-improvement journey you won’t be good enough, until the magical moment you cross the finish line and can officially call yourself A True Alpha™.
As you progress through this self-development journey, you’re going to find life is a lot more grey – it’s rarely so black or white.
I wish I’d known this sooner. I wish somebody had woken me up; I wish somebody had slapped some sense into me and told me I would never be perfect, and that I didn’t need to be an alpha. The impetus behind me writing this article is I wasted so much time trying to be Mr Alpha. I spent months – hell, years – trying to be a perfect man, convinced I had to be 100% stoic and cold and emotionless all the damn time. I yelled at myself any time I showed emotion, or felt love/empathy towards the women I dated. I beat myself up for my shortcomings, didn’t allow any room for failures or missteps, and made myself generally pretty miserable. I was a tyrant to myself.
I succeeded in some ways – I definitely embodied most of the “alpha” characteristics I revered. I became stoic, able to handle life’s difficulties, more quiet and mysterious… but in doing so I also turned myself into a cold-hearted sociopath, a man who hid away any semblance of empathy for others, kept everything to himself and didn’t open up to anybody. I was terrified of being vulnerable, of showing any emotion whatsoever.
I told myself I was “courageous” and “strong” and “brave” to bottle up my emotions & “get rid of them”; that I was making myself a stronger, more well-rounded person by shutting off the “human” part of me. In hindsight, the truth is I was shit-scared the mask would fall, people would see I didn’t have all the answers all the time, and the tower of “alphaness” I’d spent years building would come crumbling down.
And you know what the worst side effect of trying so desperately hard to be Mr Alpha is? When you’re masculine and stoic all the time – without ever letting your guard down with anybody – you get fucking lonely. Lonely like you wouldn’t believe – because you’re convinced you can never let anybody in, or talk about your problems, or show vulnerability, or confess to a moment – just a millisecond – of weakness. You’re never allowed to have doubts, and you have to be strong all the time.
As for the women I attracted, I ended up with quite a few cold, emotionally-messed-up women; women who were just as emotionally-unavailable and weird as I was. The few emotionally-healthy ones were smart enough to see how much of a fake actor I was being, and they rightly ran away. I was so terrified of acting “beta” around them or showing them any sort of affection/emotion that I over-analysed my every move and conversation, and just came across as really fucking weird.
Just like a pickup-artist, I was always in my own head – a complete neurotic mess. I would analyse and go over my every move, my every word, even my own thoughts – “Am I thinking like an alpha?” That pickup-artist/”manosphere” philosophy that there’s a “right” way to be or do something is so shallow and 1-dimensional – not to mention immature. It took me a very long time to break free.
I had trapped myself in a prison of “I must be alpha all the time/I can never be a beta”, and was totally stuck there. Over time I started to feel like I was caged for life, with no way to reach out to anybody and tell them, “Hey, I’m not so sure I want to be alpha 100% of the time”… because that would be beta as hell. And I wasn’t allowed to be beta for even a second, remember?
Obsessing about being alpha makes you drive yourself insane with neurosis, constantly second-guessing your every move. It’s inevitable when you’re trying so hard to be Mr Alpha, you’ll constantly ask yourself:
- Am I standing like an alpha?
- Is my voice deep enough, like an alpha voice should be?
- Am I dressed like an alpha?
- This girl Ive been dating for a year just said she loves me, and she’s looking into my eyes, waiting for a response, but it’d be beta of me to tell her I love her too, right?
- Is it beta to tell your best mate of 10 years that you appreciate all he’s ever done for you?
- Is the way I’m leaning against this wall alpha or beta?
- Am I spending too much time with my friends – wouldn’t an alpha spend more time by himself? Am I too needy?
- Is it beta to call my parents too often to chat?
- Would an alpha give a girl a compliment?
- Am I talking too much – aren’t alphas usually quiet and more measured?
- Is it beta to tell my mother I love her?
- Would an alpha see this girl more than once a week, even if he really likes her? Would an alpha even like a girl in the first place?
- Am I busy enough – shouldn’t an alpha have an ultra busy schedule and life an awesome, exciting life?
- Does an alpha cross his arms when he’s standing still, or put his hands in his pockets?
- Is it beta to snuggle up to a girl in bed after sex?
- (ad infinitum)
Jesus christ.
I Had to Drop the Mask.
Eventually I got sick of always having to hold up this mask and fake being something I wasn’t. I felt like I was living somebody else’s life – none of my achievements felt like my own. If I slept with a new girl, it was because she liked the “Alpha Andy”, not the “real” Andy. I started feeling more and more like the real Andy wasn’t good enough. I developed a complex and eventually started hating the real Andy… while simultaneously hating the fake “alpha” Andy as well.
It took a hell of a lot of courage (and a lot of deep breaths), but eventually I decided to try dropping the mask & cutting out the bullshit to see what would happen. I tried being real & vulnerable with girls, and put in a lot of self-development work to learn to be ok with being a complete fuckup sometimes. I accepted (with the help of psychedelics and counselling) that is was ok to not be an alpha male all the god damn time – that that was an unrealistic endpoint; one I’d never actually reach. And if I’d never reach it (because nobody ever reaches perfection; nobody’s perfect 100% of the time), then I had to be ok with who I was right now, even if I still had things to improve and goals to work on. You don’t have to be Mr Alpha in order to be successful.
Since dropping this notion of being a perfect “alpha”, life has become a billion times easier. It’s like a massive burden has fallen from my shoulders; like I finally let out a sigh I’ve been holding in for years.
For one, I don’t hate myself – I don’t feel like I’m miles short of being the “perfect” man; I’m cool with the fact it’ll take me a couple more years to be where I want to be.
I’ve been more honest with my mates, and I’m now unafraid to tell them when I’m having a shitty day, or let them see my bad sides. I’ve let girls in, been open and honest and real with them. They no longer run away and instead regularly say, “Wow, you are brutally honest about everything. I like that.”
I’m in a happy relationship where I also bang other girls (and share girls in 3somes with my girlfriend) – and my girl has learned to mirror my openness and share absolutely everything with me/her friends, without this immature notion of trying to be perfect all the damn time.
Girls have been a lot more open with me, and many have told me they respect my honesty/vulnerability:
Best of all, I started this site, and have poured my heart and soul out onto the keyboard, being as real and vulnerable and fucking honest as I possibly can be. When I was obsessed with being an alpha, I could not in a billion years have even tried to offer advice to others – I was too caught up in my own neurotic thoughts of “I’m not alpha enough” to be able to relate to anybody, let alone empathise and offer useful help.
“100% Alpha, 100% of the Time”
If you’re anything like the stubborn jackass I was a few years ago, you’re sitting there resisting everything I’ve just said, thinking to yourself, “Look at this beta cuck, giving up completely. I’ll be an alpha, no matter what he says. I’ll be masculine in every way possible. I’ll do what he couldn’t do.“
Truth is, nobody is 100% alpha in every area of their life, with every person they interact with, and at all times.
The biggest, meanest badass guy you see in the gym might cry any time his girlfriend is mad at him.
A guy who has his shit together with women may be a complete little bitch when it comes to his office workplace, and be completely unable to stand up for himself when his boss tells him off.
The doctor with the kickass job and kickass salary who exudes “alphaness” at work may act like a “mummy’s boy” any time he goes home to visit his family for the holidays.
Elon Musk, one of the leading thinkers and innovators of our time and a guy who does seemingly whatever the hell he wants (he strapped a car to a rocket, is pioneering AI research, wants to build an empire on Mars, even sold fucking flamethrowers and jetpacks) – is not an alpha all the time. He has been divorced 3 times… Twice by the same woman. He’s also cried on stage/in interviews multiple times. Is that “alpha”?
Even the guys who write about being alphas aren’t 100% alpha, 100% of the time – they can’t possibly be. Mike Cernovich has a lisp and a soft voice – is that alpha? Rollo Tomassi, a man who’s built an empire on talking about “alpha” vs “beta“, took nearly a decade of writing before he was finally brave enough to do a face reveal and stop hiding behind his computer screen – and even still, he uses a fake name. Would an “alpha” be scared to reveal himself?
No disrespect to any of these men – they’re solid rolemodels who took me a hell of a long way with my own self-improvement. They’re my idols. And that’s my point – even my own idols (Musk, Cernovich & Rollo Tomassi) are fallible – they’re not alphas all the time. The definition of “alpha” changes depending on who you ask; one man’s alpha is another man’s beta.
Alpha archetypes like James Bond don’t exist in real life. People are human, with human emotions and stresses and insecurities and fears. Nobody is strong and stoic all the time. Even Marcus Aurelius, king of stoicism and toughness, had moments of self-doubt and despair. You are going to be a mess sometimes – and that’s totally ok. You have to give yourself permission to suck sometimes, because sucking is part of being a fucking human.
These days I’m not alpha, I don’t pretend to be – I’m just Andy. The fact I’m open about my failures and shortcomings is the reason you’re here. I’m not some bullshit caracature – I’m exactly like you. You read my articles because you know if a non-alpha “loser” like me can be successful, there’s nothing stopping YOU from doing the same thing.
I don’t even like using the word “loser” – part of me wishes I’d chosen a different username/website name all those years ago when I first came up with “KillYourInnerLoser”. I wasn’t a loser, and even if you’re a total newbie to self-improvement, neither are you. You’re just a guy who’s at the start of his self-improvement journey. And when you get further down the track, you won’t magically turn from a beta into an alpha. You’ll simply be “the guy who’s now further along with his self-improvement journey”.
And if there’s still a part of you clinging on to the notion of “becoming an alpha”, I’ll throw this at you: do you think the masculine, confident, successful “alpha” you’re trying to emulate sits around constantly worrying about whether or not he’s an “alpha”? Fuck no – he’s too busy living his life and working on his goals. You need to do the same; just get on with working towards your goals and stop worrying about being “alpha” or “beta”.
“Becoming alpha” also implies there’s a state of “alphaness” you can obtain where you’ll be successful; a certain threshold you’ll cross and then suddenly be considered an alpha.
Alpha isn’t an end-point – there’s no such thing as an endpoint to self-improvement. There’s no point you get to where you’re finally happy and you can take a rest and coast for the rest of your life. You’ll never be completely satisfied, and when you achieve your goals you’ll immediately want to set off on the next big mission.
The Takeaway
“Alpha” isn’t some arbitrary list of traits. If you really want to be masculine, just do what you want, work towards the goals you’d like to achieve, and stop worrying about what other people might think of you. Especially stop worrying about whether other people will think you’re “alpha” or not.
Don’t focus on trying to live up to some ideal notion of an alpha man; you’ll end up spending your life chasing a ghost. Show a little realness. Don’t be afraid to say how you fucking feel – even if it’s the “wrong” thing to say.
As for being “perfect” – fuck that. Just focus on making small, gradual improvements; make each day a little better than your previous day.
Please, please, please don’t get caught up in all the alpha bullshit like I did – I don’t want you to waste months or years trying to perform perfectly like some fake actor, never removing the mask, constantly second-guessing your every move for fear of not being alpha enough. You’re already fucking good enough.
Now go out there and kick some ass.
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I have my own view of “alphaness”. From a biological point of view, there are no real alphas. But all social primates have a social status hierarchy. And the human sexual selection isn’t exclusively about men chasing women, it is two-sided. So men chase women they consider higher value and women chase men they consider higher value. And someone’s social value is a subjective thing. Evolution made us perceive a person’s position in hierarchy more based on their behavior than knowledge because the latter is easier to fake. Simply put, alpha is a human male who doesn’t chase women but instead choosing among those who chase him. On the fundamental level alpha never chase sex. This is why pickup is hard and all those pickup gurus can’t truly understand “naturals”. Because chasing women and sex is a whole foundation of pickup. But if alpha never chases women, then what exactly he does when he sees an attractive female? He just demonstrates his value and higher status by interacting with her. The point of interaction isn’t seducing her or convince her to have sex. Just to make her now that you are a high-value male and allow her to decide if she is willing to chase you and meet your standards or not. And if you carefully examine all those pickup tricks, then you’ll see that they are just an imitation of the natural alpha behavior.
You’ve missed the entire point of the article, which is: Stop worrying about and overanalysing what is considered “alpha”.
It’s not about worrying or overthinking, but about understanding how humans work. “Alpha” is just a word, it can be replaced with a “confident man” or a “masculine man”, etc. Most modern guys severely lack masculinity so the simple concept of “alphaness” can help them stop being too nice. But as I said, a real “alpha” never thinks “I’m alpha enough?”, he just puts his own desires and needs above these of a women. In simple terms, you don’t need to think “what women want” only “what I want”, you don’t need to think “how others rate me”, only “how I rate others”.
Bro, thanks so much for this article. Sometimes it feels like people will convince us we have so much to do before we can finally be ourselves, but we can just choose to accept and act as ourselves already, as individuals constantly in pursuit of betterment. I spent a lot of time too thinking I had to “get there” and “there” was a vague and undefinable place. Now I just set reachable goals and live by accomplishing those individually, while also just living my life. Feels way better to actually experience progress, not just aspire blindly at nothing.
Thank you again for the work you put in this article. It’s hard to come across this kind of self honesty anywhere.
There’s that other guy in the comments being weird. I’d just ignore him. I know the thought process, because I had the exact same cloudy way of thinking he did for a dark era in my life, and there’s no convincing someone out of it….they have to figure it out themselves like many things.
Yeah man, humans are naturally wired to think, “If I just have _____, then I’ll finally be happy”. Problem is you’ll get that thing you wanted, or reach your goal, and then say, “Ok, I should be happy. But I’m not. Maybe I just need ______ as well.”
Mark Manson’s written a couple of good articles about this:
https://markmanson.net/everything-you-need
https://markmanson.net/youre-okay
Re: The other guy, I’m not trying to convince or motivate him. I’m trying to motivate anyone else who might read his comment.
When I first started really getting into GLL stuff I went through the exact process you’re talking about – constant real-time self-analysis of if this or that was the “alpha” thing to do. I’d put myself in situations where I’d come off as awkward or a douchebag just because I thought fighting through the tension was a challenge that would make me stronger, that it’s what “That Guy” would do. I really overdosed on the whole rewiring the brain process seriously and would come off as a robot, autist, passive aggressive douche, you name it.
I agree that it’s no way to live but I think it helps make huge gains when you start when you can endure it – simply because you’re constantly aggressively forcing yourself into uncomfortable situations since you effectively make your comfort zone your biggest enemy. You make people uncomfortable or elicit mockery and pretty much have to accept the fact that what you want from life is more important than what they want from you or how they look at you, and whatever embarrassment or negativity you’re feeling from people will pass. It’s like doing a fast if you want to lose weight – a very extreme state over a medium period of time, but one that yields major results. Yet if you do it for too long you can really fuck yourself up.
God damn dude, I wrote a long reply but it didn’t post. I’m being oppressed.
It sounds like you benefited a lot from being aggressive/alpha, as it taught you some masculine values you didn’t have before. It was exactly the same for me – I’m really glad I did the whole alpha thing, because I started off a total nice guy who didn’t think he deserved anything. Also sounds like you’ve come somewhat back to middle ground now, as I have.
I’ll make it clear, I’m glad I went through that metamorphosis – the old Andy was way too nice and would never have gotten what he wanted. Sounds like it was the same for you.
How’d you take your first step into “being alpha/aggressive” – what prompted it? For me it was The Rational Male and The Red Pill Reddit – what was it for you?
how do you exlpain game not being real, This guy disproves that notion, the one where he is gaming two chicks is most impressive. would these chicks given their number like him regardless of his game. If he was awkward and his social skills were not good due to like liking his looks. Something tells me otherwise and that his personality and confidence makes a difference.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZrEfOj0eUwA
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6o4eYfvKjOY
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8HCMKSc7bJs
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tzSyGTKEwlc
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xMV7ix1r-ak
Point to where on my blog I said “personality and confidence doesn’t make a difference”, and then I’ll answer your question.
You never directly say it. But you GLL guy basically say game does not exist and that look are the most important thing for cold approach. So pretty much this guy could be much more boring ask a bunch of interview mode questions and still get the same result because the girls likd him from the beginning. That none of the gamey,witty, funny man shit matters That is the what you guys teach. BIB the other model actually has clearly stated personality game is the last thing you need worry about for cold approach.
You’ve said several different things.
First you said that I say personality and confidence don’t matter. I called you out and said “Show me where I’ve said that” – you now agree I never said that.
Now you’re saying I say looks are the most important thing for cold approach. Again, point to where on my site I have said this.
Are you arguing against me/my opinions, or are you arguing against what you THINK my opinion is?
Also not sure what you mean by “You guys” – this site is run by me, Andy. You came onto my personal site and lumped me in with “you guys”. So you’re clearly arguing against whatever group you think I belong to, instead of me/my own opinions.
Try this: Start completely over. Ask me, “Hey Andy, what do you think is the most important factor for getting laid with cold approach?” Happy to discuss my actual opinions, rather than stuff you’ve invented and pretended I’ve said.
What do you think is the most important factor for getting laid is? also do this guys vids seem faked or staged/ go agaijnt your own personal cold approach expeericne? Their seems so much contradiction evidence. in The videohe s seems average to me, but i could just be a bad judge of looks. I post these vids on a incel forum called looksim, and alot say he is goodlooking and his game has nothing to do with why he is getting laid. he has the tall blue eyed white guy thing going, so i guessthat helps. Kinda of hard to tell tbh, when you blur chicks faces, since you cant see their intial facial reaction to him to know if they are into him out the gate or if he is converting maybe chicks.. it would seem that game has to have an effect but would he be getting the same result doing less/being boring or asking interview mode style questions.
????
Most important factor – talking to a tonne of girls and never, ever giving up – no matter if it takes you years and years to get good at getting laid.
The dude in your video is good looking. He has a video of him injecting steroids. He’s muscular, with good fashion sense. And he clearly talks to a lot of girls. If he is getting laid (has he posted proof?) then it’s because he’s attractive and is talking to a lot of girls.
Mate, you’re stressing about stuff that doesn’t matter. Right now, are you out talking to girls (or using Tinder)? That’s all you should be worrying about – don’t worry about me, or this guy, or anyone else. Just focus on living the best life YOU can live.
Didnt read the entire article yet, I’m a bit in a hurry. I can tell you put a ton effort in it and I think it is one of the best written articles.
In my opinion the discussion of ‘Does an alpha exist?’ is pointless because we fall prey of the ‘true scotland fallacy’. It is an ideal. I find it is a useful shortcut, just as the word proactive. For me alpha means being my best version and if certainly doesn’t evolve being emotionless. Rollo Tomassi himself says that alpha is a state of mind, not a demographic.
The problems I see are:
1) people, specially in the manosphere, have a completely distorted concept of what an alpha is,
2) using not being your ‘alphaest’ as an excuse to not take the right action. As you say, not wanting ever to suck, being smooth all the time, etc
Yeah – when I use the term “alpha”, I’m really talking about trying too hard to be a perfectionist. We’ll never be perfect; we’ll never be alpha. All we need to do is focus on being a little better than yesterday.