One question you’ll eventually get asked by girls is, “How many girls have you had sex with?”
The pickup artists usually tell you this question is a shit test you “win” by “agreeing and amplifying”. They might tell you to answer with something silly like, “I’ve had sex with 200,000 women!” or “You’re the 10th girl today”.
If you want to go the way of the pickup artist and give girls a silly answer, then go for it. It’s your life; I’m not going to tell you what to do. Just make sure you’re doing it for the right reasons. Be self-critical and dig deep as to why you’re answering in that way; are you worried she’ll think less of you or judge you for your number? Are you worried your number is too low and she’ll think you’re a bit of a loser with women, or worried it’s too high and she’ll judge you for being a “manslut”?
If you’re worried about being judged, then I personally wouldn’t dodge the question with a silly answer – by doing so, you’re only reinforcing to yourself, “This is something I’m insecure about.” You’re only further building up that insecurity by not confronting it.
Another way you could answer is to do what a mate of mine who gets laid a lot does. He answers, “That’s a personal question I don’t share.” He’s being honest, he’s not lying/dodging the question – but he’s making it clear he has boundaries and that’s not something he wants to talk about. Remember, this is a guy who’s gotten laid a tonne – so he’s not avoiding the question out of insecurity/shame/guilt. That’s an important distinction.
If you genuinely don’t want to tell girls how many people you’ve slept with, and you’re definitely not avoiding the question out of guilt/shame/insecurity about your number, then you don’t have to tell her. A girl isn’t entitled to the information in your head just because she asks for it. In that case, just politely turn her down – “That’s private, I’d rather not share it.” A polite statement like this is much better than outright lying or giving her a false number; you’re still being honest.
The way I handle it myself is 100% truth. I’m going to make the case for raw honesty in this article – I’ve benefited from just telling girls the truth, and not stressing about what they might think of my answer. So have two of my mates who get laid a lot; they’re always honest about their lay counts.
I’ve also gotten most of my clients to be just as honest; including two guys who started out completely inexperienced (virgins). In all cases, we all had good reactions from most girls. So I’ve seen evidence that a high lay count doesn’t really bother (most) girls, and a low lay count doesn’t really bother (most) girls – it’s all about how you say it. More on that below.
High Lay Counts:
When I sleep with a new girl, it’s pretty obvious I know what I’m doing – I’m confident, I take the lead and make all the moves, I have a plan/routine I stick to that works well, and I have sex with girls on the first date with minimal fuss. It’s clear I probably have a high lay count.
I tend to go for inexperienced/shy/submissive girls, and the vast majority of them haven’t been with that many confident guys who know what they’re doing. So the experience is pretty new and novel to them, and thus they tend to be pretty curious about my sex life. Almost all of them will ask me – usually after the first time we have sex – “How many girls have you had sex with?”
I always tell them the truth – “It’s well over 100 at this point, probably getting towards 150 I think.” An example from a couple of months ago:
When we met, before we had sex she asked again – “Is it really 100?” I said, “Yeah.” After sex, she then brought it up again out of curiousity and we talked about some of my good experiences with girls, my bad experiences, relationships I’d had, she asked when I’d lost my virginity, she talked about her ex-boyfriend, etc. It was clear she didn’t really care about the number itself – she was asking out of curiousity & to find out more about me/my past. 99.999% of the girls who ask me my lay count, are totally ok with the number – just like this girl.
I’ve met a lot of guys who get laid a lot, but they have this weird sort of “guilt” about the fact they’re sleeping around… like they think they’re doing something wrong, something immoral, something “sleazy”. When a girl asks them how many girls they’ve banged, they lie or avoid the question, secretly terrified she wouldn’t sleep with them if she knew the truth.
When you instead practice honesty and just tell every girl your honest lay count, you quickly find most girls are totally ok with you being very experienced; and in fact, they tend to look up to you for it. Most girls ask heaps of follow-up questions about your sex life, what it’s like having sex with so many people, if you’ve ever fallen in love, etc.
Avoiding the question or not answering honestly has the negative effect of communicating to her that you’re ashamed of something that’s a part of you. Like you’re ashamed of yourself, ashamed of who you are; and that is not an attractive quality.
It’s even worse because having a big lay count is an impressive achievement – it’s not easy for guys to rack up a big number of sexual partners (The average man has only had sex with roughly 7 girls; though studies vary). So why on Earth would you be ashamed of something that took you a lot of effort to achieve & is more than most men have achieved?
If you have a high lay count, you’ve gotta let go of that guilt; the worry that your lay count is “too high for most girls to handle.” Girls aren’t going to judge you, or think you’re a pervert, or think you’re an asshole just because you’ve had a lot of sex. (Well, 1 or 2 might, but they’re prudes.) But girls will judge you if you’re very ashamed of it and treat it like it’s a bad thing. Your opinion of your own lay count will affect how she will react.
I’m happy with my lay count, so girls are happy when I tell them. They can see it’s something I’m comfortable with; at the very least, definitely not something I’m ashamed of or weird about. If you’re a bit weird/guilty about your lay count, then yes, any girls you tell may be a little weird about it too – because you are.
Low Lay Counts:
On the opposite end of the spectrum, I give the same advice to inexperienced guys or virgins. If you’re inexperienced and a girl asks your lay count, then honesty works well – “Yeah I don’t have a lot of experience; only 3 girls so far. I’m excited to get more experience.” Own the fact you’re a newbie, make it clear you’re not ashamed of your inexperience, and make it clear you’re excited to get more experience.
Guys who are virgins often tell girls in the worst possible way – they say it with a huge amount of shame and guilt, as if being a virgin is something fucked-up & shameful. They’ll be bashful or shy or sad about it, and the girl picks up on that. By saying it in a sad way, you’re communicating to her, “This is something that’s worthy of being ashamed about.” Now she’ll think shame is the correct response, and she’ll feel negatively about you.
Another point to consider is if you say it in a, “I’m ashamed of my virginity” way, you’re giving her the expectation that she’ll have to take the lead. And if there’s one thing 95% of girls hate, it’s taking the lead. Being ashamed of your virginity makes her think, “Well if he’s this ashamed, he’s probably not going to man up and make the moves on me. Since I can’t make the move, that probably means we won’t be able to have sex… I should leave now and not continue this any further.” You’re not really giving her much of a choice; you’ve made sex almost an impossibility by being so ashamed of your lack of experience.
Instead, you’ve gotta take ownership of it and say, “Yeah I’m a virgin, but it’s all good. I’m excited to change that.“ That’s a sign of a man who has his shit together – someone who says, “I’m not perfect, but I have a plan to improve myself.” Now you’re communicating that you’re a man to be respected; a man who’s aware of his faults, isn’t ashamed of them, and is working on fixing them. You’re showing you have a handle on your problems – they’re not overwhelming you. You’re not at the mercy of them.
You can be a virgin and be worthy of respect; if you embrace it and work to change it, instead of being ashamed by it.
If you tell yourself, “My lay count is something I can’t tell any girl” you’re making it a big deal. You’re turning it into something big; bigger than it has to be. If instead you just tell the truth and let it out, you can then let out a sigh of relief and let go of the tension. By saying your honest number, you’re proving to yourself it’s not a big deal.
One of my virgin clients phrased it to a couple of girls like this: “Yeah I’m a virgin, I could have had sex a few times but things didn’t work out. I was depressed for a couple years, but now I’m past that and I’m at the point where I actually want to have sex, so I’m making that happen.” Pretty positive, and most girls responded really positively back, giving him plenty of encouragement. And guess what? A few even slept with him.
2 girls he told seemed a bit put off by his inexperience, and didn’t see him for a second date. He and I both agreed this was a really good thing – why would he want to spend time with girls who didn’t want to be with an inexperienced guy? He was inexperienced, and that’s not really something he could lie about or pretend he wasn’t; if you lack experience in the bedroom, it’s really fucking hard to pretend to be a Super Sex God™. Better to embrace your lack of experience, accept that you’re going to suck for a while until you get some practice in, and go find the girls who are interested in helping you get that experience.
And that’s exactly what he did – he found girls who wanted to help him explore himself (and them) in the bedroom. Instead of trying to convince girls he was something he wasn’t (experienced), he just searched for the girls who didn’t give a shit. He met quite a few, lost his virginity and had sex with a few more girls – he’s well on his way to being a stud. And all because he wasn’t ashamed of his lack of experience (well, he was a little) – but for the most part he embraced the fact he was a newbie and didn’t lie to any girls about it.
You can also frame your low lay count or virginity in terms of what you’ve already tried. Eg rather than saying, “I’ve slept with 0 women”, you can tell her the things you have done. “I’ve fooled around a bit with a girl, made out, fingered her. I’m really excited to try new things.” Hell even if you’ve done nothing – at least say, “I know how sex works and shit, I just need to go out and actually do it.”
If you follow my stuff, you know I’m a huge advocate for keeping girls on the same team as you – It’s “You and Me”. Girls are your teammates, they’re not your enemy. By lying about or hiding your lay count when she asks, you’re making things weird; you’re opening up a chasm, a valley between you both. You’re starting off with a framework of dishonesty and closed-offness, which makes it much harder for either of you to open up and be honest in the future.
Don’t stress too much about how girls might react. As I said above, if a girl reacts badly – that’s on her. As long as you’re telling girls your low lay count without any shame or guilt, as long as you’re embracing it and being ok with it yourself, most girls will react positively. The ones who don’t, aren’t really a good fit for you; so it’s good they leave. You’re better off with cool, open-minded girls who are keen to help you gain some experience and have a good time with them.
After all, don’t you want someone who’s understanding and empathetic and non-judgemental – someone who won’t think less of you just because your penis hasn’t entered a vagina yet? I promise you those girls exist; lots of them. It’s up to you to go searching for them.
If you’re a guy who hasn’t had a lot of sex, why are you ashamed of that – why do you feel the need to hide it from a girl or feel weird about it? Everyone has to start somewhere; we aren’t all born with 50 notches on our belt. Every guy you look up to was once a virgin too.
When it comes to girls asking about your lay count, I want you to remember: As long as YOU don’t care about your lay count, 99% of girls won’t give a shit about it either. As long as you embrace your high or low lay count and don’t feel ashamed of it, most girls will react positively. And any girls who do react negatively or stop seeing you – good. You’ve filtered out a girl who wasn’t going to be compatible with you; a girl who isn’t all that compassionate or open-minded or cool.
You’ll also find the less you care about getting asked, the less girls will actually ask you for your lay count. Mostly because you appear more confident, more experienced, like you’ve done this many times before (even if you haven’t really) – so she’ll just assume you have a few lays under your belt & won’t need to ask. Embracing your lack of experience actually makes you appear really really confident.
I get that whether your number is low, or high, or somewhere in the middle, it can be a little intimidating sharing your number with girls. I struggled with being honest for many years – I went the pickup artist route of giving silly answers, before eventually settling on just being honest. You just have to take a leap of faith and try being honest a few times. Try being brutally honest with the next girl who asks how many girls you’ve been with, and see what happens.
But hey, at the end of the day, it’s entirely up to you whether you’re honest with girls or not. My mission with this site is to tell you what works for me, my friends and my coaching clients; it’s up to you to try this for yourself.
It’s not the count that’s the concern. People who sleep around are usually empty inside in some way and use sex as a way to excite themselves because they have something missing. Men like this are typically fun to begin with but extremely boring once you get to know them.
Can affirm: the first time I had sex, the girl was surprised + turned on that I’d be her first (and it was the 5th date, not like we’d been bf/gf for months or anything). Super sweet girl.
My other comment, is I don’t understand why guys refer to themselves or others as virgins – only women can be virgins. There’s nothing anatomically different between a guy who has had sex and one who hasn’t yet.
Maybe it has to the do with cultural mega-hyping of sex but it’s not that big of a deal.
And it’s easier to tell a girl nonchalantly if you believe it’s no big deal than if you’re still trying to convince yourself it’s no big deal.
My 2 pence.
Yeah good point – some girls are actually going to like the fact you’re a virgin.
The “referring to themselves as virgins” thing has to do with labels and ego and identity. Guys who’ve been virgins for years hang onto it for dear life – it’s their identity. If you wake up every single day telling yourself, “I’m a virgin”, and then repeating that over and over again throughout the day, every single day, for years – that’s a pretty fucking strong label you’ve just given yourself. So when it comes time to actually losing your virginity, it’s hard to give that label up. A lot of virgins I’ve worked with really felt like they had to cut off part of themselves (the “virgin” part) – like they were losing something they’d been for the last 10-15 years.
As I wrote to a guy in the comments section here:
I said “If you don’t have your virginity, then what do you have?”