10 Ways to Build an ‘I Don’t Give a F*ck’ Attitude: Letting Go of Others’ Opinions

I want to try something a little different in this article, and I invite you to journey along with me here. Normally, I write out a story, or some advice, and I lay out all my thoughts. You read it, and maybe it helps you, maybe it doesn’t; but it’s very much me talking at you, rather than us exploring an idea together.

So let’s change that in this article. Rather than me telling you what I think, let’s play around with a few ideas and sit in those ideas together, seeing what comes up. (In a way, this article is sort of like a guided meditation). It’ll be fun.

You guys have probably heard of concepts like outcome-independence, “I Don’t Give a Fuck” (IDGAF) attitude, being non-needy, all of that – especially when it comes to dating. I probably don’t have to explain to you that caring less about what others think about you – in other words, being your own, independent person – is pretty damn helpful in life. (Not to mention, pretty damn attractive to the opposite sex).

So let’s explore the idea of outcome-independence today. I’m gonna throw a few ideas at you; just little, bite-sized ideas, and as you read each idea, I want you to sit with it for 30 seconds or so. Just have a think about that one idea; how it might apply to your life, maybe some examples you’ve seen of other people who have implemented this idea in their own life, or maybe examples of people who HAVEN’T implemented that idea.

Basically, just let the idea percolate in your mind for a minute or so, then move on to the next idea.

Ready?

Ok.

IDEA 1: “I don’t need their approval.”

Play with that idea for a bit. Close your eyes, and think about what it would be like to not need someone else’s approval. Maybe it’s women’s approval you’ve been seeking; trying to get them to like you. Or maybe you’ve been chasing your father’s approval, or your boss’ approval, or someone else. Whoever you have in mind, close your eyes and ask yourself, “Do I need their approval? Could I be ok without it?”

Play around with that idea in your head for the next minute or so.

Done? Awesome. You’re doing great.

IDEA 2: “I will focus on my own path”

Again, let’s play with this idea a bit – you’re gonna close your eyes again. This time, think about what it might mean to walk your own path – a path you’ll look back on when you’re old, and say to yourself, “Damn. I had a beautiful life. I’m so glad I had the courage to live a life that was true to myself; instead of the life others expected of me.”

What would that life look like? Who would you be? Would you be more confident, more self-assured? Maybe more compassionate, more peaceful, more of a Zen monk? Would you have more sex, maybe go deep with one partner, or many? More money than you have right now, or the same amount? What principles would you live your life by?

There’s no right answers here; in fact, that’s the whole point: We’re trying to get to the heart of what YOU want for yourself.

YOUR path.

Not your friends’ path, or your family’s path, or society’s path, or Andy’s path. This is about YOU, and YOUR unique, beautiful path.

Take some time now to carve it out in your mind and really think about it.

Once you’re done, we’ll move on to idea 3.

IDEA 3: “Can I let go of people-pleasing?”

Similar to the first idea, but going a little deeper on your actions and how you might have been acting out of a people-pleasing nature. Where in your life have you been trying to get people to like you? In what ways have you “avoided conflict” (or even avoided peaceful disagreements of opinion), simply so the other person/people will think more highly of you?

Explore that, and also explore: “Who would I be if I was just a little bit less of a people-pleaser?”

And notice the way I phrased it there: This isn’t about letting go of ALL of your people-pleasing. Hell, I still people-please to this day; and that’s ok. We’re just focusing on letting go of a little bit of it at a time; even just 1%.

So, in what ways can you let go of 1% of your people-pleasing (how can you become 1% more independent?)

IDEA 4: “I could choose peace instead of this”

On the flip-side of people-pleasing is what you might call people-arguing or people-defending. You know when you feel the need to “explain myself”; to set the record straight, or tell the person where they misinterpreted something you said or something you did, because you don’t like people having the wrong idea of you? That’s pretty much the same thing as people-pleasing, only it often leads to unnecessary arguments and ego-trips, all because “Well, I want people to have the right idea about me”.

And hey, that’s ok – I often find myself wanting to “explain” or “set the record straight” if someone misunderstands or misinterprets me. But it’s not exactly peaceful, trying to control what everyone thinks about you, is it? You become a gentle-dictator, politely controlling what’s in other people’s brains, trying to gently manipulate them into thinking about you the way you want them to think about you. Again, it’s ok – I do it too sometimes.

So let’s practice letting go of that, together. Who would we be if we didn’t feel the need to “explain” ourselves all the time, or defend ourselves? Probably a lot more peaceful. And that’s a phrasing that can help – when you’re feeling yourself starting to want to defend, you can quietly say to yourself, “I could choose peace instead of this.”

It’s ok if someone misinterprets what you said.

It’s ok if someone misunderstands you.

It’s ok if someone “gets the wrong idea” about you.

It’s ok if someone fucking hates you for it, too.

All of that is ok.

Accepting this – being ok with being unfairly criticised over a misunderstanding – is the pathway to having that “I Don’t Give a Fuck” attitude. It’s the pathway to peace.

“I could choose peace instead of this.”

IDEA 5: “What do *I* think about this?”

So often, we run to others for their opinions about something, feeling like we need them to approve of us, or tell us the “right” think to think, or tell us what to do. We use the word “should” all the time; as in, “What should I do? What should I think? What opinions should I hold?”

We’re so busy asking other people what they think we should do/think, and we get incredibly confused & frustrated when different people tell us conflicting opinions. It’s all very confusing. And in all of that confusion, we forget to ask OURSELVES what we think. We forget to check-in with ourselves and our philosophies/principles/what we want.

So, let’s sit in that. Where in your life have you been running to others to find out the “right” answer, but you forgot to ask yourself? Or, if this prompt resonates more with you, you can ask yourself: “What do I truly want, deep down?”

Or the short version I ask my coaching clients all the time: “What do you want?”

Sit in that. You might be surprised at the answers that come up when you just bother to actually check inside yourself. I’ve said it many times before, the answers are already inside you; you probably just never thought to look there.

IDEA 6: “Can I say no, without feeling guilty?”

As with the previous article, with each one of these ideas, I’d like you to close your eyes for a bit and just meditate on the idea. Notice the thoughts that come up for you, the feelings you feel, and really explore the idea properly. Go deep on each of these ideas, and you’ll be rewarded with a lot more self-knowledge and maybe even some answers to questions/problems that have been bothering you for years.

One thing you might really struggle with is having boundaries and going for what you want. And that’s ok – I’ve spent a lot of time figuring out how to have my own boundaries while still being kind and compassionate to others when I enforce them. It’s something I’m not always perfect at, and just recently, I too felt some guilt when enforcing my own boundaries.

But a life where you just do what other people what you to do (because you’re too afraid to say “no”) is not just an unhappy life… it’s also a life that’s not very integrous. Because if you think about it, we’re not really showing much integrity to ourselves or the other person if we lie to ourselves and pretend we’re ok with something we’re not really ok with. It’s not in line with our integrity.

A few books that really, really, really help with this (and if you’re anything like me, you could really use some help) –

• I Need Your Love: Is That True?
• When I Say No, I Feel Guilty
• How I Found Freedom in an Unfree World
• No More Mr Nice Guy

These books really helped cement the idea in my head that it’s ok to not do things other people want you to do – it’s ok to listen to your own integrity. Funnily enough, as I started practicing saying “no” more, I actually found other people were grateful. Because if they know you’ll say “no” when you don’t want to do something, they can trust that you really mean it when you say “yes”.

Meaning they can relax and enjoy their time with you, without guilt, without worry, without wondering, “Does he really want to be doing this with me… or is he just too scared to say no?”

IDEA 7: “I’m on my own unique journey.”

Similar to Idea #2, but this time we’re going to talk more about comparing yourself to others. Sometimes comparison is helpful – for example, using someone who’s more successful than you as motivation and “fuel for the fire”.

Other times, however, comparison can be the thief of joy. It can often leave you feeling jealous, insecure, hopeless, frustrated, and feeling like “the world is unfair” and “how come that guy/girl gets all the stuff I want, but not me?“

So if you really must compare yourself to other people, at least do it in an uplifting way – “If he/she achieved success, maybe I can do it too” (rather than “they did it and I haven’t done it, therefore they’re better than me”.)

Because that’s the thing – the person who’s achieved success isn’t “better than you”. They’re just further along in their journey. There was a time they were exactly where you are right now, and chances are, they were probably comparing themselves to other people (and feeling shit about themselves!) Every single insecurity you’ve ever felt, they probably have too (I know I have.)
Every single doubt… you guessed it, they’ve probably felt it too.
Every moment you’ve felt hopeless, and wanted to quit… they probably went through the exact same thing.

So they’re not better than you; they are you, just a version of you that’s a little further along. Or maybe they even started their self-improvement journey before you did (I’ve been working on my sex/dating/love life for over 10 years now!) – again proving the point that they’re not “better” than you, they just got started earlier than you.

And as I said a few years ago, you can learn from them and catch up (and overtake!) them if you want to.

IDEA 8: “It’s ok if I don’t always know what I’m doing.”

The very first article I ever wrote was Give Yourself Permission to Suck. It was me admitting – to myself & anyone who’d read it – that I don’t always know what I’m doing.

Sometimes I feel lost – very lost.

Sometimes I feel a bit confused.

Sometimes I have no idea if the goals I’m trying to achieve are possible – and if they are, I have no idea if achieving them will bring me a bit more happiness or not.

We put so much pressure on ourselves to “do a good job”, to appear smooth & charismatic, to not get rejected, to avoid being judged by others, to look smart, to be attractive, to be a good friend, to be a good employee, to be a good lover & a good listener. So much pressure that it eats away at us, because deep down we know the truth:

I am not perfect.

As hard as that can be to admit sometimes, it is the truth. We’re all acutely aware of our own shortcomings; the things we could do better, the things we could have done differently. We know we’re not perfect, and yet we all feel that insane pressure to pretend we’re perfect, to hide our flaws, to never be too vulnerable, to not let people see our “dark side” or our “weak side”.

But it’s ok to admit you’re imperfect; in fact, that’s what makes you human like the rest of us. I’m human like you – I often have no freaking clue what the hell I’m doing. Half the time I’m really just making it up as I go along. And that’s part of the fun of life – none of us have any idea what we’re doing, we’re all just along for the ride, and we’re all just trying to have fun along the way.

Life’s a game; it’s allowed to be fun. And it’s ok if you don’t have any clue what you’re doing. So close your eyes and try meditating on this:

“I have no clue what I’m doing sometimes. And that’s ok.“

IDEA 9: ​”Others’ opinions don’t have to define me.”

One of my favourite books ever is The Top 5 Regrets of the Dying (I recommend the audiobook version – it’s amazing). It’s a book on living life on your own terms, rather than doing what others want you to do. The number 1 regret human beings seem to have at the end of their life is:

“I wish I’d lived a life more true to myself, instead of the life others expected of me.”

So, let’s explore that a bit. Who would you be if you didn’t care so much about “disappointing” other people? How free might you feel if you let yourself just be you, and you made your own choices instead of following the path other people are all following? (I talked about this more here, and here, and also here.)

After all, there’s only one you in the world; the path others are taking may not be right for you. Nobody can tell you what the right answers are for your life (including me – I’m not here to tell you what to do). My mission with my site, my YouTube channel, my podcast, etc is to help you figure out these answers for yourself.

Other people will always have their opinions – and sometimes they’ll even insert them, without you even asking. Other people can be very opinionated; and if you’re honest with yourself, so can you sometimes. And that’s ok. We can let the people have their opinions – we can let them say whatever they want to say to us – and then we choose what we do with those opinions. We can listen to them, we can ignore them, we can take the parts of their opinions that work for us, and discard the rest.

Ultimately, what we choose to do with other people’s expectations (and the accompanying disappointment) is entirely up to us.

It’s our life, after all. Not theirs.

IDEA 10: “I’m allowed to be happy.”

A funny thing happens when we start to work on our happiness; guilt often pops up.

“Wow I feel good lately… is it ok for me to be this happy?”
“Is it ok for me to make this much money?” (I’ve had this guilt a LOT over the last 5 years of my business).
“Is it ok for me to have this much sex… am I just using women/men?”
“Is it ok for me to be happy and content… doesn’t that mean I’m being lazy and not pushing myself?”
“Am I allowed to just be… ok?”
“Am I allowed to be this happy?”

Guilt is a funny thing; it loves to insert itself everywhere it can, even when nothing is really wrong and there’s no real cause for guilt. Actually, there’s always a cause for guilt; guilt loves to exist just for its own sake! And nowhere is this more apparent than when we finally start getting the things we want – success, happiness, peace, sex, money, love – and then guilt comes running in screaming “HEY! DON’T FORGET ABOUT ME, FUCKER!”

But we don’t have to attach to the guilt; we don’t have to take it seriously. We can just notice it, laugh at it (after all, isn’t it funny as hell to chase happiness for years, and then when you finally get it, feel bad about it? That’s HILARIOUS if you think about it). We can feel the guilt, and then just let it go.

So let’s explore that a bit. Gently bounce this idea around in your head: “Am I allowing myself to be happy right now? Or am I getting in the way of my own happiness, and stopping myself from feeling content?”

If you still struggle to just let yourself be happy, this will help, and only takes 11 minutes:

• How to Be Happy in 10min59s [Guided Meditation]

Alright, that’ll do it – there’s 10 ways you can start building an “IDGAF” attitude (here’s the first 5 if you missed it).

These ideas are ones you can keep coming back to; as I said a few times, I’m still working on some of these myself. The mission, as always, is progress, not perfection.

And if you’d like more help with your goals, or being happy, or not caring so much about what others think, you are cordially invited to my coaching program.
Now’s the perfect time too, as we have a deal going on:

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