(Cover image by: Gregory Pappas)
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I get asked this question from time to time – “Is there anything wrong with me wanting to sleep with lots of girls, but preferring them to only want to sleep with me?” I’ve talked about the idea of “double-standards” here:
But it’s a topic with a lot of nuance to it, so I’d like to have another crack at it.
The short answer is: As long as you’re not forcing or manipulating girls into only sleeping with you (which would be very controlling), then do whatever you want to do. If you want to sleep with multiple girls but only sleep with girls who’ll be monogamous to you, then screen for that. (That said, we’ll be diving into why I don’t necessarily recommend you do that).
And there’s a tonne of women out there who are cool with only sleeping with 1 guy – and many who actively want that. A lot of girls literally could not give a toss if you’re banging multiple girls (as long as you’re honest and upfront about it), but they don’t like the idea of sleeping with multiple guys themselves. My girlfriend Imogen is a great example of this – early on when we were casually dating, she came to me and said, “I know you’ll always sleep with lots of girls, but I don’t like the way it feels for me when I see more than one guy. So I’m just going to see you, if that’s ok.”
She’s not the only one – in fact, most girls I’ve slept with prefer to just sleep with 1 guy at a time. I’ve lost count of the number of girls who’ve said, “I don’t mind if you see multiple people, but I’ll just see you”. Hell, even as I write this, there’s a girl Imogen and I are seeing together, who directly asked us how many other girls we’re seeing. We told her, and her answer was, “Ok, but I only like to see one person at a time, so I’ll just see you two”. (Yes, I’m aware of the irony of that statement…)
Now, maybe all this has got a lot to do with the fact I prefer submissive/very feminine women, and I’m less into extroverted, party girls (the type of girls who’d probably seek out more non-monogamy). Submissive and shy women tend not to want to go out and bang a lot of guys at the same time. The point is, there’s a shitload of women out there who would love to only see you, while you see multiple women (again, as long as you’re honest with everyone).
I do have to address the elephant in the room though – you need to sit down and really ask yourself the question: “Am I just doing all this out of insecurity?” Are you saying you only want girls who’ll sleep with just you, because you’re insecure…
- Other guys will have a bigger dick than you
- Other guys will “take her away from you”
- Other guys will fuck her better than you
- Other guys will have more money than you
- Other guys will be buffer than you.
- Other guys will be leaner than you.
- Other guys will be stronger than you.
- Other guys will be better than you.
I had to ask myself this question early on in my getting-laid journey. “Am I just being insecure here?” And I had to be honest with myself and admit, “Yeah. I’m scared other guys will be better than me, and she won’t want me anymore.”
It’s the elephant in the room. It’s painful to admit. That’s why I want you to be really honest with yourself: Are you insecure, like I was?
If so, tackle it. Beat it. Run towards your fear and conquer it. In my case, I beat it by working on my own self-improvement (start here) and getting myself to a point where I really liked myself. Having a lot of sex helped too – once I was at a point where I’d had sex with far more than the average guy, I really wasn’t worried about girls running off with other guys and ditching me.
The final step was humbling myself, and admitting I probably wasn’t the absolute number 1 human being on the planet. I probably didn’t have the biggest cock a girl had ever had. Maybe I wasn’t the tallest guy she’d slept with. Definitely not the richest. Maybe not the best. Did it matter? It sounds cliché, but once I got to a point where I liked myself, I didn’t really give a fuck about other guys. I was good enough, and that’s all that mattered.
I was able to let go and tell girls, “Sleep with whomever you want to sleep with. It’s all good.” Here’s a quote from a story I wrote about a girl I slept with a few years ago:
She ends up opening up to me and tells me, very timidly, “Um.. I’m actually going on a date with a guy after I see you today. We’re not going to have sex, but I thought maybe I should tell you.” I laugh, tell her to have fun and let me know how it goes.
I also found myself becoming less and less judgemental of girls having sex in general too. I used to think “any girl who dates more than 1 guy is a total fucking slut” (Yeah, I was quite judgemental…) Since dropping that insecure view of female sexuality, I’ve been rewarded with much more honesty and trust. Girls open up to me now far more than they ever did in the past. Not only does that result in more honesty, but the sex is a million times better. A girl that feels like she can “let go” and open up to you, without being judged, will have the confidence to do absolutely anything you want in the bedroom – because she knows you aren’t going to think less of her.
All that said; if you’re not open-minded right now and you’re a bit judgemental when it comes to girls being sexual; don’t beat yourself up. As I said, I was incredibly judgemental for years – the thing that fixed it was meeting more girls, getting to know them, and seeing that some of them were the most fucking awesome people you’d ever meet. Just the act of having more sexual experience and dating more girls helped me – just like it’ll help you too. I found myself empathising more with girls and judging them less. Getting laid yourself also improves things – it’s hard to care how much sex a girl is having when you’re having more.
And look, at the end of the day, it’s your life – if you absolutely don’t ever want to be ok with girls banging other guys – fine. Just make sure you never control them or tell them what to do, and instead screen really hard for girls who only sleep with 1 guy at a time.
I’ll also make it clear I’m cool with my fuckbuddies banging other guys if they want to (it’s their life) – but if so, I don’t personally make them a girlfriend. One of my requirements for a girl to be my girlfriend (where I pour time and energy and resources into her) is she only see me. Imogen only fucks me (and other girls we see together). Again, I didn’t force her to do that – I literally said to her, “See whomever you want, I don’t mind.” She made the decision on her own to only see me. 6-12 months later when we got to a point where things started to get more serious, I was happy to girlfriend her. If she’d wanted to keep banging other guys, no stress – I would have kept seeing her, just only as a casual friends-with-benefits.
And if at any point she decided she wanted to start banging other guys (at this point, that’s not going to happen, but let’s do a hypothetical) – I’d end things with her on very amicable terms and wish her all the best, and thank her for all the time we spent together.
That’s what healthy boundaries, without controlling anyone, looks like. Have your boundaries or deal-breakers, state them very clearly and upfront, and see if the other person wants what you’re offering. If you both want the same thing, fucking awesome! If not, no hard feelings – you’ll both go and find someone who can give you what you want.
And as for the topic of “Isn’t it hypocritical or a double standard”? Here’s what I’ll say:
If you only want to date girls who’ll sleep with you and only you, then go for it. If you only want to date girls who’ll sleep with you while you still sleep with other girls, then go for it – just be incredibly open and honest about it, and you’ll find some girls who are cool with it. No, it’s not “hypocritical” and it’s not a “double-standard”. Anyone who says that to you is a mental midget. You and the girl don’t have to have the same preferences; that makes literally no sense. She might be fine with dating a guy who sees other girls, whilst you want to date girls who sleep with only you – cool. You’re both different people, you both have different preferences – again, only a mental midget would think every relationship can be and should be 100% equal.
Because really, how equal can you possibly make a relationship? If you’re older than her, well that’s not equal – especially if you’re much older than her. If she does all the cooking, well that’s not equal. If you’re her rock most of the time and you pick her up when she’s sad about something – well that’s not equal.
It’s incredibly naive to think any relationship can ever be truly equal. There’s too many variables, people have too many different strengths and weaknesses and preferences – you can’t expect there to always be a balance. Most relationships have a power dynamic where one person has slightly more power than the other – that’s just the way it goes.
Only children and naïve idiots want everything to be “equal”. As long as both people in a relationship are adding to each other’s lives and making each other better people, then everything is absolutely-fucking-beautiful.
I’ll wrap up by saying: Step 1 needs to be to work through those “Are you being insecure?” questions above, and make sure you’re definitely no longer feeling insecure. At that point, most guys are happy to casually date girls who are sleeping with other guys, but only girlfriend a girl who’s just seeing them. (Some guys are also ok with girlfriending a girl who’s sleeping with other guys). But if after working through the insecurities, if you can honestly say you’re definitely not insecure – and you still want even your casual sexual partners to only sleep with you – then go for it. It’s your life; I just want you (and the girls you sleep with) to be happy.
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Previous two articles/podcasts talking about this topic of one-sided-open-relationships: