When asking for dating advice, you guys have probably heard the cliche 100 times: “Just Be Yourself!” I think some part of you knows that that isn’t always the most… helpful… advice you could be given, especially if “yourself” currently isn’t having much in the way of dating success.
“So I’m supposed to just stay exactly the same, not change anything, and somehow, magically, my results will change?”
Yeah, probably not the best advice.
The problem with “just be yourself” is it assumes your current self is the best version you can be. But what if your “self” is riddled with insecurities, bad habits, or a lack of direction? Telling someone to be themselves without encouraging growth is like telling a struggling student to keep doing what they’re doing and expect different results.
But I understand where people are coming from when they give this advice. In a really clumsy way, they’re trying to tell you to not fake things, to not lie, to be honest and authentic – and those are all things I really, really, really agree with. But to deny the reality of self-improvement – and the effect improving your appearance, mindset & confidence can have on the opposite sex – is not really doing anyone any favours.
Yes, love yourself. Yes, you’re wonderful as you are right now. But work on your appearance, whiten your teeth if you need to, lose some weight, get a better haircut, change your style if needed, work on building a positive mindset, improve your confidence (by just talking to lots of people) and go play the numbers game harder. All those things will absolutely 100x your current results – and you can do each of those things while still remaining true to who you really are.
In other words, be yourself, but be the BEST you that you can be.
What helps is to sit down and figure out your “ideal self” – the future version of yourself you’d really like to be. Flesh it out in detail; what qualities does your ideal self possess? What habits would you have? What things would be easy for you, that you currently struggle with?
Then use that “ideal self” to flesh out your goals, and then break each of those goals down into even smaller baby steps. You know, the stuff I’ve been preaching since day 1. Ask for help (I’m here if you want coaching), build a group of likeminded people to support and push you, and just keep showing each day with the mindset of “Can I be 1% better than I was a week ago?”
And with all of that – be compassionate and patient towards yourself too. Yes, we’re working on improving you; but that doesn’t mean you’re “broken” right now, or “unworthy”, or a “loser”, or any of that. You’re a guy (or a gal) who’s doing their best, and all we’re working on is adding a little bit more each day. You’re good, and tomorrow you’ll be great.
Summed up, I get why people say “just be yourself” – they’re clumsily trying to say “Don’t fake who you are”. Which is solid advice… it’s just also vague as hell. So let’s focus more on being ourselves, but the BEST versions of ourselves – let’s run towards self-improvement, embrace our fears, and play to win.
After all, authenticity isn’t about staying the same; it’s about evolving into who you’re truly capable of being.
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