A tonne of guys (and girls) struggle with this one, even though on paper it’s so simple:
You’re never under any obligation to have sex with someone – and you shouldn’t feel guilty about “leading someone on” & later changing your mind.
Don’t Cut Girls Off too Early
Having a girl back at your place doesn’t mean you HAVE to fuck her. You are allowed to, even at the very last minute, decide you’re not going to put your penis inside her. Crazy thought, I know.
But it’s something a tonne of guys struggle with when they first start dating girls. They feel like, “If I’m not super attracted to the girl right off the bat, I should be a gentleman and cut things off with her immediately.”
By doing so, you’re robbing yourself of:
a) The chance at some desperately-needed dating experience.
b) The chance to potentially “warm up to her” and find her attractive as you spend more time with her (or consume more beers…)
As I’ve said before, if you’re a newbie, you need dating experience as much of it as you can get. So go on as many dates as you can – including girls you aren’t super keen on having sex with. Yes, I’m advising you to go on dates with girls you’re not super into, solely for the much-needed experience.
Learn how to hold hands and practice it with lots of different girls, figure out how to kiss them, learn how to invite them back to your place, learn how to makeout and fool around. You need practice – lots of practice – with all of these things in order to be comfortable getting to the sex part.
“But Andy! That’s leading her on!”
You’re not “leading her on”. You’re interviewing – seeing if you like her, seeing if she likes you, seeing how far you both want to go with things. You haven’t signed a contract saying you’re definitely going to see her for more dates. You haven’t signed a contract saying you’re definitely going to kiss her. And you haven’t signed a contract saying you’re definitely going to have sex with her.
Getting laid a lot – whether just for the sake of getting lots of lays, or because you’re searching for a girlfriend or fuckbuddy – means you have to “interview” a lot of potential candidates. That inevitably means a lot of girls won’t fit your criteria, or you won’t vibe with them, etc – and you’ll have to let them go. You can’t give the job position to the very first person who asks for it.
Girls do the exact same thing – they go on dates to figure out if they like the guy, and see if they want to go any further. They know each date is just two people’s figuring out if they click, with no obligation to go any further if they don’t want to.
When you remove this pressure from yourself – this expectation that you should only be on dates with girls you’re absolutely sure you want to bang – dating becomes so much easier. You’re more laid back, more carefree, and you no longer stress about how “awkward” things might be if you decide you don’t want to go any further with her. You stop feeling guilty about potentially wasting people’s time.
Because that’s what dating is – two people figuring out if they want to go further. How can you know the answer to that question until after you’ve spent a bit of time in each other’s company?
Taking the pressure off yourself to have sex will also open you up to new experiences, because you won’t be thinking so far ahead into the future. Guys tend to think, “Could I see myself banging this girl?” or “Could I see myself dating this girl and introducing her to my friends?” Woah, cowboy – chill a little. The only question you need to ask yourself is, “Am I happy with the stage we’re at now; am I enjoying being with her in this moment, right now?”
If the answer to that is yes, then keep hanging out. Stop thinking into the future and worrying that at some point you might stop enjoying her company. If right now feels right, then be in the moment and enjoy it.
Some Girls Will Win You Over
Instead of stressing about the future and talking yourself out of going on dates, you should always keep an open mind – I’ve had some amazing experiences with girls I initially had no interest in.
You should be saying yes to every opportunity that presents itself – yes to every girl who’s happy to spend time with you. Don’t turn down girls for arbitrary reasons – especially when you’re in the beginner or intermediate stage of getting laid. Say yes to everything, and then figure out during the actual date how you feel about the girl.
Some of my absolute best experiences were with girls I didn’t initially want to meet up with for a date. I had to talk myself into keeping an open mind, reminded myself, “You need all the experience you can get”. I’m so glad I did, because some of those girls turned out to be absolute sweethearts & some of them were bloody amazing in bed.
It’s nuts to think I very nearly robbed myself of some of my best sexual and life experiences, because I was worried about not being attracted to them further down the line.
If I Do Decide I want to End Things… How do I do that?
Let’s say you’ve kept an open mind, been on a date with a girl, maybe even had sex with her – but you decide you don’t want to progress any further or see her again. How the hell do you handle it?
This was something I struggled with for a number of years. I felt bad every time I “rejected” a girl, feeling like I’d led her on & wasted her time. I knew how bad it hurt when a girl ghosted me or turned me down, and I hated – no, I resented – having to do the same thing to them.
I handled it horribly for the most part – usually choosing to just ghost (not text her at all). All because I was too awkward to do the decent thing and send a polite text message turning her down. I’ve learned from my mistakes and don’t do that any more.
If you decide while you’re on a date with a girl that you’re done for the night & don’t want to go any further, just use my line: “Hey, let’s call it a night. I’ll walk you back to the train station/your car.”
Walk her back to the car/train station, and see how you feel about it the next day. If you decide you don’t want to see her any more, text her a simple:
“Hey, I had a tonne of fun but feel like the chemistry wasn’t quite there. I’m really glad I got to meet you, all the best.”
Saying “the chemistry wasn’t quite there” softens the blow a lot – you’re blaming something external (lack of chemistry) rather than saying it’s her fault. Normally I’m a proponent of raw honesty, but this is one time when it’s best to phrase it in a nicer way. Sometimes a white lie is nicer than a black truth. There’s no need to be a raging dick – remember, we’re not out to hurt any girl’s feelings.
All of this applies even if you’ve already had sex with a girl. After you bang, if you’re not really that attracted to her or don’t vibe with her personality, you are under no obligation to see her again. You have nothing to feel guilty about if you decide to end things. Just shoot her a casual, “Hey, I had a lot of fun last night” and leave it at that. If she messages you wanting to meet up again, just use the same line as above – “I had a tonne of fun but feel like the chemistry wasn’t quite there. I’m really glad I got to meet you, all the best.”
This even applies if you’ve previously told her, “I hate one night stands” or “I’d never do a one night stand”. When you said that, what you really meant was, “I’d never deliberately seek out a one-night-stand. If I like a girl & the sex is good, I’ll always want to see her again.” But how were you ever going to know if the sex was good until you actually had sex?
If you decide the sex was horrible & you definitely don’t want to see her again, ask yourself, “Am I keeping an open mind, or cutting her off too soon?” If the answer to that is “I definitely don’t want to see her again”, then don’t feel bad about having a one-night-stand. Sometimes the chemistry just isn’t there; sometimes the sex is just awful. It is ok for you not to see a girl again after you have sex with her.
Girls Inherently Understand this Concept
Girls are used to being in the position of choice – so they understand inherently it’s fine to not keep seeing a guy, for whatever reason. “My body, my choice” – obviously. They understand dates are for figuring out if you click with someone & deciding if you want to sleep with someone or not. They also understand even after you’ve banged, you’re under no obligation to see each other a second time – especially if the sexual chemistry wasn’t there.
But guys struggle with this, because – at least at the start – most of us:
a) Aren’t used to turning down any girls, and thus feel guilty for doing it.
b) Often have never even considered that we’re allowed to reject a girl we’re not super into. It’s a foreign concept.
And to be fair, some girls don’t handle rejection all that well…
So take a page out of the female handbook, and give yourself permission to gain some dating experience with girls you’re not all that attracted to – and to end things with them when you feel you don’t want to continue.
UPDATE: Here’s a follow-up vid I did going into more detail:
Fantastic article, Andy! I’m so glad to have read this, as it helped me put together some thoughts on this topic that have been swirling around in my head. I started taking notes in my journal, but eventually ended up copying almost the whole article.
The part about going on dates with girls you’re not 100% into – in particular, giving yourself “permission” to do so and taking off the pressure – really struck a chord with me.
For me, after I discovered GLL etc. and transformed myself from a shy dweeb into a much more well-rounded, confident mofo, I developed somewhat of an ego after having my first share of success with girls. I thought that I “deserved” only the best-looking girls, which led me to reject multiple opportunities with girls I deemed “below” my level. In hindsight, I can now see how pretentious that was and I will definitely pay attention not to fall into that trap anymore.
–> “You need all the experience you can get!”
What hit me the hardest was probably the part about how to handle girls I’m not interested in anymore. Like you, I also often ended up ghosting girls that I wasn’t interested in seeing anymore after having sex with them instead of just sending a polite text message. I just did that last week with a girl and like every previous time, I felt uneasy about it, but quickly tried to forget about it. But now, seeing it written out like in the article, made me realize how spineless/low that behavior is. Definitely won’t be doing that anymore and will handle it more gracefully like you suggested.
Please continue to put out great articles like this because it is pretty unique to have the perspective of someone who actually walks the walk and has the experience to back up what he’s saying – especially with regards to dating/girls where everyone thinks they’re a expert because they hooked up with a couple of girls once. Don’t hesitate to share your thoughts on more “niche” topics, i.e. insights that only guys like you or GLL have given your experience or subjects you feel don’t get enough attention.
Thanks again and best of luck!
Mate, I really appreciate your comments.
Yeah, my one regret in all of this is how many girls I’ve ghosted without a polite, “Yo, I don’t want to continue this any further. All the best.” And only because I was nervous/scared to send that text. I always rationalised it with, “Yeah but heaps of girls ghost me! So I’m not doing anything bad.” Yeah, except those girls are shitheads – do I really want to set the bar so low I compare myself to shitheads? “Hitler killed a lot of people, therefore it’s ok if I stab my annoying neighbour”. All I was doing by ghosting girls was contributing to more shittiness in the world, and hurting other girls just because some girls had hurt me. Bah.
I’m in the middle of writing an article, “How to End Things with Girls”. I’ve got an easy copy-paste template I use any time I don’t want to keep seeing a girl. I’ll have it published in the next couple of weeks.
Again, appreciate you dropping by mate.
-Andy