So, you’re looking to have your first casual sex hookup. I’ve got you covered.
First place to start – Cam and I wrote an in-depth guide specifically for inexperienced or virgin guys, which you can grab here: Get Laid in 6 Weeks Even if You’re Inexperienced.
After you’ve gone through that guide, the rest of this article will help you get your mindset right & give you a little more motivation.
Watch the video version of this article:
Mindset
Let’s get one thing clear right off the bat: you absolutely DO NOT need to be perfect. Everybody starts out nervous when they’re inexperienced, and having a hookup (or tons of hookups!) does not require you to be smooth, or confident, or charismatic, or any of that bullshit. Give yourself permission to suck, and just get started, right now – no matter where you’re starting from. I promise you (yes, you) can do this.
If you’re feeling extra nervous, you’re allowed to just tell women directly that you’re nervous – here’s how that usually goes. Most women respect a man who’s honest enough to admit he’s not perfect or that he’s nervous; especially if you pair that with excitement. Eg: “I don’t have a ton of experience and I’m a bit nervous, but super excited to meet you, grab a drink, see if there’s chemistry and have some fun together!”
Or: “I’ll be honest, I don’t have a ton of experience in bed. But I’m super excited to explore your body, figure out what you like, try a bunch of stuff together, and have a great time”. (To most women, this literally sounds like heaven; the vast majority of men aren’t that interested in taking the time to explore her body and figure out what she likes. Most men just shove their dick in and that’s about it.)
Plus, chances are she is nervous too – so you’re doing her a favour if you mention your own nervousness. Then she can say “I’m nervous too”, and now you both get to handle the nervousness together, instead of both of you being stuck in your own heads, worrying about your own insecurity/nervousness. “A problem shared is a problem halved”.
Another thing I’ll make really clear – you do not need to be a “player” in order to have casual sex or hookups. Hookups and friends-with-benefits are not something reserved just for “cool guys” or “hot guys” or “players”. Having a hookup is literally just a numbers game; improve yourself a bit each week, talk to a lot of women, and some of them will say YES! to hooking up with you. Having tons of sex is not just for “players” – it’s for guys who ask for it. (Most guys are too afraid to even try).
Again: Ask a lot of women, and some of them will say yes.
As for the “improving yourself” bit, follow the instructions in my Tinder Guide. Yes, you’re gonna have to work on yourself a bit, but if you’re reading this website, you’re already into self-improvement, so you already know that 😉
Online Dating Tips
Start with my massive free Tinder guide (don’t skip this step). Use it to improve your pictures (mandatory – you won’t get matches without solid pictures), improve your bio, learn what to message girls, improve your physical appearance, etc.
Once you’ve gone through that guide, some more mindsets that’ll help:
Message clearly and directly. Say exactly what you want – don’t sit there for weeks messaging a girl, trying to “play it safe”. The sooner you find out if she’s down to grab a drink with you or not, the sooner you can either be out on a date with her, or moving on and talking to the next girl.
Suggest meeting up sooner rather than later. Don’t sit there giving yourself anxiety over “what I should say?” or “does she like me?” Ideally you’ll message 4-5 messages max before asking for her number (“You seem cool, I’d love to grab a drink with you and see if we click. What’s your number?”). Again, the sooner you say what you want, the better. Be more masculine and bold; she’ll love you for it (and if she doesn’t, the next girl will).
Dating is allowed to be fun. I know it can feel like this big, serious thing, but you’re allowed to enjoy this process. You’re allowed to relax and chill a bit on dates. Dating/getting laid doesn’t have to be this big life-or-death thing. After all, why do you want to have sex in the first place? Because you think it’ll make you happier. So, why not let yourself be happy while you’re working on it?
On the actual dates, invite her back to your place ASAP. If she says no, awesome! Just ask again on the next date. Sometimes people just aren’t ready to have sex on the first (or 2nd) date. This does NOT mean she’s not into you – often she’s saying “not right now” to sex, rather than “never ever”.
If you’re ever unsure, just do what I do – ask. “Do you wanna have sex eventually, and you’re just a bit shy? Or are you not really feeling the chemistry between us? Either one is cool, we can talk about it.” Then you’ll have your answer, and you don’t have to be in your own head, guessing what she wants. Again, honesty is a cheatcode.
Anytime I’m unsure about how someone feels about me, I just ask. I use my words like an adult 😉
Approaching Women during the Daytime
No need for any fancy lines – I keep it simple: “Hey you’re cute/sexy/hot and I wanted to come say hi. I’m Andy. *Shake her hand*” I go into a bit more detail here.
If you’re nervous, just say that. “Honestly, I’m a little nervous but I wanted to come say hi anyway.” Remember, she’s probably shy/nervous too (after all, you’re a stranger who just came up to her and hit on her), so you’ll set her mind at ease if you tell her you’re also nervous. You’re basically doing her a favour, you big softie 😉
After a minute or two of casual conversation (can be longer if you’re both having fun), just ask “I’d love to grab a drink/coffee with you sometime. Can I get your number?”
If she says no, awesome! “Awesome, I hope you have a great day. It was cool talking with you.” Be grateful for every single “no” – she’s giving you the gift of improving your stoicism, improving your resilience, and every “no” is one step closer to the next “yes”.
It’s literally a gift when someone says no to us; they are literally helping us become stronger. Be grateful to her for that.
And if she says “yes” – great job! Grab her number, text her: “It was great meeting you. Free Friday [or whatever day you want] to grab that drink?” No need for long text conversations, no need to “build rapport” – jump straight to setting up the date, ASAP.
My text conversations are super short – here’s an example (this is a girl I met from Tinder, but the messaging is exactly the same for daytime approaches)
And if she stops replying/doesn’t meet up with you, no stress. Lots of girls will give you a phone number to be polite (they struggle to say no), but they aren’t all that serious about actually meeting up. It’s all good; move on and go hit on more girls. The majority of phone numbers I get, don’t lead to a date. It’s nothing personal; it’s nothing you did “wrong”.
Approaching at Night (Bars or Clubs)
Approaching at night is pretty much exactly the same as approaching during the daytime; just that people are usually a little more drunk (which can be both a good and a bad thing). Have a drink if it’ll help you relax, or go out sober – either option is great.
Having a wingman can help a TON at night, especially when you’re nervous. (It’s also very useful during the daytime). Women will also be a lot more flirty/sexual at night (thanks to alcohol/party atmosphere), so feel free to be more flirty/sexual if you’d like.
Again, you don’t need to be fancy with what you say – just go up to a girl, or a group of girls, and throw out a casual “Hey, you’re cute/sexy/hot and I wanted to come say hi. I’m [your name]. *Shake her hand*”
Talk for a while (about anything – it doesn’t really matter), dance with her a bit if you want to. And then you can either invite her back to your place, or grab her phone number, or ask her “Can I kiss you?” (lots of girls will say yes), or see if she’s down to leave the bar/club and go somewhere a little more private with you. Do whatever you prefer.
When hitting on pairs of girls/groups of girls, you’ve got 2 options: Either talk to the whole group (addressing each girl/guy), and then eventually talk more to the girl you’re really interested in. Or, solely focus on the girl you’re interested in, and don’t pay much attention to the rest of the group. Either is fine.
You can also go out at night with the goal of just making friends with people (guys and girls) – a lot of my coaching clients have become Mr Social and hooked up literally by just being the life of the party & talking to everybody they meet. It’s also a great way to have some pretty fun adventures; going out at night can be fun as hell if you keep an open mind and see where each night takes you.
You can also make friends with the bartenders, security staff, etc – this will make you feel a lot more “at home” and comfortable in the bar/club. Ideally you’ll get to a point where your favourite bar almost feels like a second home, which will make approaching SO much easier.
Moving Towards the Actual Hookup
Another reminder: if you’re nervous at any point on the date/in the bar/etc, that’s ok – just admit it. “Yo I’ll be honest, I’m a bit nervous, but also really excited. I think we’re gonna have a good time.” She’s probably nervous too, and you admitting how you feel gives her a chance to open up to you as well.
You know we’re big proponents of honesty here in this community, so there’s no need to beat around the push or phrase things in a “socially-acceptable way” (which usually just means “playing it safe so hopefully she doesn’t reject me…”)
Fuck that. We’re here to win.
So be clear and honest about what you want when you’re on the date/at the bar/whatever: “Yo, I’m having so much fun, wanna come back to mine?” (If she asks “Why?” or “What for?”, tell the truth! “To make out and fool around, I’m really into you.”)
If she says no, awesome! Be grateful for her being honest & courageous enough to tell you when she doesn’t wanna do something. You can just see her for a 2nd or 3rd date and try again.
Final Reminders
Everybody starts inexperienced, so it’s ok if you’re nervous, or don’t know what you’re doing, or overthink things, or worry a ton. It doesn’t mean there’s anything “wrong” with you; you’re just inexperienced.
In other words, you’re not “broken”; you simply haven’t done the steps that are required to have sex. That has nothing to do with your worth as a human being. You are absolutely capable of having amazing sexual experiences with people, if you just put yourself out there and really try.
Honesty & authenticity are your best tools. Say what you want, be upfront and honest, tell her you find her attractive, tell her if you’re nervous. Life’s too short to play games.
She’s on your team – it’s not “you vs her”. You’re seeing if you want to share a great experience together, rather than you having to be the “performing monkey” who “wins her over”. Take some of that pressure off yourself and just have a good time with her. She already likes you if she’s talking to you or on a date with you, so chill and enjoy spending time with her.
Every experience builds you up. If a girl says no at any point, awesome! You’ve learned something. You’ve built your resilience and stoicism. You’ve levelled up. And you’re one step closer to the next “yes”.
And if she says yes, that’s awesome too! Now you get to build your social skills, build your confidence, build your sexual skills, have a blast with her, etc.
No matter what she says – no matter what happens – you benefit (she does too).
Keep going. Aim to improve a tiny bit with each girl you talk to, with each date you go on, and with each sexual experience you have. You never have to be perfect; in fact, perfectionist-mindset often just holds you back. Focus on progress, not perfection.
And if you want more help with any of this, hit me up for coaching. In fact, perfect timing:
COACHING DEAL: Sign up for my coaching program within the next 15 days, & you’ll get $2000 off the usual price AND an extra 4 WEEKS of coaching.
But only if you sign up within the next 15 days. Just mention this deal when you apply to the program. APPLY HERE (Payment plans available)
