I’ve talked a lot about honesty in the past; it’s something I bring up in a hell of a lot of my content. My girlfriend Immy has also written about what honesty and authenticity is like, from her point of view. Now for another perspective; one of the girls we’re dating has written this article from her point of view, about what it’s like dating someone (well, 2 people) who are upfront and honest – and how honesty can benefit you.
She was nervous to write this, but she gave herself permission to suck, took action even when she was scared, and ended up doing a fantastic job. Enjoy.
It can be very intimidating living in the world of dating. So many uncertainties, so many questions, different labels to work around, basically just having no clue what you’re doing. I had told myself so many times, and have had many friends say the same, that dating is stupid and not worth the trouble. All it would bring to our lives is more drama, guessing games and emotional pain. I thought no one would, or could, provide me with what I wanted. Gosh was I wrong. I’m currently dating Andy & Imogen, who have been in an open relationship with each other for 5+ years, and I am so grateful to be dating them. I’m enjoying the process, there is zero drama and I’m receiving exactly what I want. How? A lot of it comes down to openness and honesty.
Andy and Imogen have made dating so easy just by being very honest and open. They always let me know what they want, what their goals are, how they’re feeling, if they have any issues or are wanting something different, they’re super open and honest about everything. For me, this makes dating an enjoyable experience. Coming from dating situations where the people I’ve dated haven’t been very open or honest, it has been an eye opener for how I want to approach dating from now on. Previously I’ve felt confused, frustrated, very insecure and uncertain of what the other person I was dating wanted. I would get mixed signals as to whether I was just hooking up with someone or building a stronger connection. In return for their lack of honesty, I didn’t feel comfortable expressing what I wanted.
Having Andy and Imogen be so open and honest has made me feel comfortable with sharing what I want with dating, with sex, sharing how I feel, and has enabled a stronger connection to grow. It has allowed me to screen whether they’re able to provide me with what I’m looking for and enables them to screen to see if I can give them what they’re looking for. I can be my whole self around them and am able to trust them.
A lot of vulnerability comes with being completely open and honest with someone. The possibility of being vulnerable brings up fear of judgement, of rejection, of not being seen as ‘perfect’, and often of receiving no response at all. Yes, it is scary, but showing your vulnerability is so beautiful for dating. It leaves room for the other person to show you how they can support you and be kind to you. It allows for a deeper level of growth to occur within dating. I am so grateful that Andy and Imogen share their vulnerabilities with me. It’s a gift to me being able to see that vulnerable side.
I really respect Andy. He is one of the sweetest, strongest, most confident men I know and a lot of that is because he is so honest and open about his struggles. I believe vulnerability makes a man appear stronger, more confident. I feel a lot of the time when it comes to dating, men feel terrified to share anything they have struggled with, or are struggling with, out of fear of being thought of as weak. By not sharing your struggles, you’re not only being dishonest to the person you’re seeing, but you’re also being dishonest to yourself. You’re telling yourself that having struggles makes you weak. Most women will respect you a lot more for being open and vulnerable with them, instead of hiding things from them.
Being open and honest can take a lot of courage, especially if you haven’t previously practiced much honesty in your life. Many people feel uncomfortable being vulnerable or honest with someone in a casual relationship. They get scared of rejection and of course get scared of being seen as less of a man. Coming from a female perspective, I don’t know many women who will think less of someone for being honest. Usually, they will appreciate the honesty.
On another note, you may think building a connection is meaningless when you’re just casually dating. So why not look at it as practice for later in life? Practicing honesty and openness in a casual relationship can make it easier for you when you really do want to build a strong relationship with someone. You build skills and knowledge around how people react to honesty, how you can practice honesty, and what works for you, with minimal consequences. Not only will it make you more confident being honest, it makes dating a more enjoyable and worthwhile experience.
I’ve had many conversations with friends about what we wish men would be honest about when casually dating. Here are some examples of things we would love honesty about:
- Honesty around what you want out of dating [“Screening”]. This way, no one is left guessing or feeling used. Everyone can be on the same page and decide if you both want the same thing. This is something women would love men to be open about at the start of getting to know someone.
- Honesty and openness about how you feel about the women. Do you find her sexy? Is she pretty? Do you enjoy spending time with her? This way we know you’re enjoying dating. This is something a lot of women like to hear and know throughout dating.
- Everyone has different things they enjoy in bed. Share what you like and ask her what she likes. See if there is anything you both would like to try. This way you can both have an amazing sexual experience and build your own and her enjoyment during sex.
If you have very little experience with being honest and open, try and express these feelings over text first if that makes you feel more comfortable. Or put exactly what you want on your dating profiles to help women screen for you. Or even just start by giving a girl an honest compliment. I promise you no female will think less of you for complimenting her.
Speaking of honesty, I (Andy) would honestly love to kick your ass into gear and watch you do all the wild, fun things I’ve done – sex, money, all that good stuff. I want you to follow in my footsteps. Check out this interview I did with one of my clients I helped to lose his virginity and go on to have an amazing sex life:
You can do what he’s done – sign up for our coaching program now and join all the other guys who are changing their lives and building something meaningful.