NSFW: This article contains nude pics. Everyone here is 18+. I have permission to upload these photos. Happy to remove pics/stories – contact me.
- Chapter 1 – Retaining Girls
- Chapter 2 – Having Your Shit Together
- 2.1 – Make Yourself Attractive (Improve Your Looks)
- 2.2 – Have Your Own Life Going On
- 2.3 – Be Strong and Masculine
- 2.4 – Be a Decent Person (Don’t be a Dick)
- 2.5 – Have Your Own Apartment
- 2.6 – Keep Your Apartment Clean
- 2.7 – Be Financially Stable (Having a Job)
- 2.8 – Take the Lead/Make the Moves (But Still Get Her Input)
- 2.9 – Sense of Humour (Don’t Take Yourself Too Seriously)
- 2.10 – Be Positive (Don’t be Too Negative)
- 2.11 – Confidence
- 2.12 – Feel “Deserving” of Having Girls Stick Around
- 2.13 – Don’t Be Too Needy or Rush Things
- 2.14 – Don’t Be Controlling, or Jealous
- 2.15 – Don’t Tolerate, or Create, Drama
- 2.16 – Retention Gets Easier the Older You Get
- Chapter 3 – Sex
- 3.1 – Compliments – Make Girls Feel Really Good about Seeing You
- 3.2 – Good at Foreplay & Sex
- 3.3 – After Sex
- 3.4 – BDSM / Dominance
- 3.5 – Be Open-Minded & Non-Judgemental About Sex
- 3.6 – Give Girls Experiences They’ve Never Had
- 3.7 – Nude Artsy Photoshoots
- 3.8 – Should I Wait Before Having Sex, to Help Retention?
- 3.9 – Girls Who’ve Had Less Sex are More Likely to Stick Around
- Chapter 4 – Honesty
- 4.1 – Tell Her You Want to Keep Seeing Her
- 4.2 – “You and Me” – Being on the Same Team
- 4.3 – Be Honest About Everything
- 4.4 – Being Upfront About Seeing Other Girls
- 4.5 – Understanding Girls (Empathy)
- 4.6 – Mentor Girls
- 4.7 – Don’t Manipulate or Trick Girls
- Chapter 5 – Improving Retention
- 5.1 – How to Improve Your Own Retention
- 5.2 – Compatibility; Find Girls Who Want the Same Things you Want
- 5.3 – Would You See You Again? (Are you Worthy of Respect?)
- 5.4 – Girls who Don’t See You Again
- Chapter 6 – Key Takeaways
Chapter 1 – Retaining Girls
1.1 – Introduction
We’re at the final part of this guide, and probably the part guys ask me about the most – retention, aka girls wanting to see you for an ongoing period of time. It’s not the hardest thing in the world to bang girls once or twice, but keeping girls coming back for months or years can take a little extra work.
And I understand how frustrating that can be – it hurts when a bunch of girls don’t want to keep seeing you. And on the flipside, when girls do want to see you for a while, it’s a massive ego boost – it’s incredibly validating. It’s vindication that you’re a worthwhile man, that all your self-improvement efforts have paid off, that you’re someone worthy of a woman’s intimacy and affections. It feels good knowing somebody likes you enough to keep having sex with you & dating you – especially early on if you haven’t been with a lot of women and don’t have a lot of confidence. It really means the world to you when a girl is excited to take your meat rod again.
Let’s define terms: When I say retention, I mean retention in a healthy, mutually-beneficial way. I don’t advocate “retention at all costs”; I’m not interested in lying to or manipulating girls, or trying to string them along with false promises of a relationship when you have no intention of keeping that promise. The goal of this guide is to set a bedrock of honesty so girls know what they’re signing up for, and you’ll naturally screen in the ones who want the same thing you want.
Retention has always been something I never really thought much about. Early on I had a lower retention rate than I do now, but I never really cared – I was so hyper-focused on getting more lays that I didn’t really notice how many stuck around. (I’m not saying that’s a good thing; I was a bit psychopathic and uncaring). I literally wasn’t paying attention to my retention rate; it wasn’t my goal.
As I’ve gotten more experienced, I’ve noticed girls have just naturally wanted to stick around for a lot longer, often for many months or years. I didn’t actively try to improve my retention rate; it wasn’t anything I consciously did. It was more like a natural byproduct of me becoming more experienced. The better a man I became, the more girls wanted to keep seeing me.
So this part of the guide has been a bit of a pain to write. Since I never really paid attention to the concept of retention, I had to really sit down for many months to write it all up. I had to do a tonne of brainstorming, trying to think of every single possible reason why girls might want to keep seeing me as often as they do these days. At this point, my retention rate is probably about 95% – as long as I want to see a girl again, it’s really damn likely we’ll keep seeing each other.
I’ve also talked to a few of my mates who have high retention rates; they’ve helped me brainstorm extra things I didn’t think of. Together we’ve put this big list together; this is pretty-much everything we could think of.
I’ve also been able to draw insight from some of my coaching clients who started out with very very low retention rates (the vast majority of girls not wanting to see them a second or third time). Through trial and error, trying a bunch of different things, we were able to massively increase the number of girls who want to keep seeing them after the first night of sexy sexual sex. Some of those clients now find retention ridiculously easy – as long as they want to see the girl again, it’s pretty much guaranteed. I’ll share what I’ve learned from working with them (I’ll keep their names & details out of it, obviously).
Finally, I’ve asked a bunch of girls why they keep seeing me – what in particular they liked about me, what made them want to see me for months or years, and what made them not want to see some of the other guys they had sex with. I’ll include some quotes from girls in this article, where relevant. I’ll mark those quotes in pink.
Gathering all my own personal experience, plus that of my mates, my clients and girls, I’ve come away with 3 main pillars of retention; the things that have helped us all the most. They’re pretty much the core concepts of my site; honesty, being decent at sex (you don’t have to be a sex god at first; you’ll improve over time). And the biggest one: having your shit together.
I’m going to throw a lot of different suggestions & ideas at you; they’re not necessarily in any sort of order. I don’t want you to feel like you have to tick off every single item in this article; if you’re missing some of the aspects I talk about – eg maybe you still live at home, or maybe you’re still working on being more honest – that’s fine. I don’t want you to beat yourself up if you’re not perfect yet. I’m certainly not perfect and I never will be; you don’t have to be absolutely perfect to have girls wanting to see you again. Girls aren’t perfect and they don’t expect you to be.
Don’t feel overwhelmed by this massive list; I know there’s a lot here. Just slowly work on a few items at a time, improve bit-by-bit, and you’ll gradually piece it all together and build up your retention rate.
A lot of these retention factors aren’t things you need to do; they’re things you are. For the most part, your best bet is to focus on self-improvement and build yourself into an awesome guy with an awesome life; that’ll naturally make girls want to keep sticking around. Retention naturally improves the older you get, because you’ll be growing your finances, you’ll eventually have your own apartment, you’ll have a better body from the gym – you’ll just be better overall. Make yourself impressive, and people will want to be around you.
If right now a lot of girls aren’t hitting you up to see your hotdog a second or third time, don’t stress. You can improve that, I promise. It isn’t that you’re inherently flawed or unlovable or “not good enough”; retention is a combination of many different variables, and you simply don’t have all the pieces of the puzzle yet. Over time as you improve yourself and get more experience and figure out what to do, you’ll naturally find girls just start wanting to stay in your life.
Bear in mind this is just a big list of all the things that have worked for me, my friends and my clients. You might not have all these qualities, and retain girls just fine. Or you might have other qualities I haven’t written about which massively help your retention. If so, drop a comment below and tell me – show me how that factor has helped your retention and I’ll add it to the list. I want this to be the definitive guide to retention – let’s make it awesome together.
Finally, bear in mind retention can be a little lower for girls you meet on dating apps, compared to girls you meet in person, or through friends, or through hobbies. Dating apps are the go-to place for any girls who only want a casual hookup, so every now and then you’ll get one of these girls & she’ll only see you once or twice – even if you did everything “perfectly”. Don’t stress about it, just chalk it up to, “She wasn’t looking for something ongoing” and move on.
1.2 – Build Something Together
An ongoing theme of this article is going to be building something together with girls you’re sleeping with. And by “building something”, I don’t mean you have to be building towards a serious relationship if that’s not your goal. However, you should be building something together – even if you’re just building a really awesome friends-with-benefits dynamic.
If casual FWB relationships are your goal, then make it your mission for you and the girls to become better at being FWBs. At the very least, you should be improving your own ability to be a FWB. Just aim to get better at sex together; aim to explore each other, try new things, push the boundaries, and have as much fun as you possibly can. You guys will build that together over time, a bit at a time, opening up your kinks, etc. You just don’t want things to be stagnating and becoming boring.
Again, you don’t have to build a relationship – that’s not what I’m saying. You have to build something – anything. Some ideas:
- Build sexual experiences together; write a sexual bucketlist each, go through and try everything on your lists, explore together.
- Build friendship; after you have sex each time, just hangout and chat for a bit. Doesn’t have to be super-in-depth if you don’t want to; just chat for 10 or 15 minutes each time, and you guys will naturally learn more about each other and start to enjoy each other’s company.
- Build open, non-judgemental communication; tell her things you’ve never told anyone, get her to open up about things she hasn’t shared either. Build trust and honesty, and she’ll want to keep seeing you. (If you’re not comfortable really opening up, just be patient with yourself; it might take you a while to learn how to do it).
- Build affection/intimacy; this naturally happens the more you see someone anyway. You’ll start cuddling more after sex, stroking each other’s arms, playing with her hair, etc. But if you remain really cold and closed off for months of seeing a girl, and never really touch her after sex, she’ll be less likely to keep seeing you for more than a few months.
- Build a mentorship dynamic; If you enjoy giving advice and like helping people with their problems like I do, ask girls about their lives after you have sex. Give advice if you want to, be someone she can come to when she needs some perspective, and she’ll very much want to keep seeing you.
- Build a relationship; if a relationship is what you’re after. Building a relationship obviously makes girls want to stick around. However, it’s not even remotely mandatory; I’ve only been in 3 or 4 relationships over the last few years, and yet most girls keep seeing me even if we’re casual.
Every girl I’ve seen over the last 2 years, with the exception of my girlfriend & 1 other girl, I’ve only been fuckbuddies with. So I haven’t built anything in a relationship sense; yet these girls have all still seen me for months/years. Why? Because I’ve done most of the other things on that list with them.
With some girls, I’ve been a mentor to them – giving advice on their problems, helping them, teaching them about life and men and women and the universe and all that good stuff. Other girls, I’ve built up sexual experience with them; we’ve worked on their bucketlists, gone through and ticked things off, built up their sexual skills and their sexual experience. Every time they see me, they know we’ll try something new together, I’ll show them something they’ve never tried, and they’ll be more open and experienced for having seen me.
Again, it doesn’t matter too much what you build with a girl. Just build something. Just like with self-improvement, every day should be even just a tiny bit better than the last. So if every time you guys hang out it’s slightly better than the last time (even just a teensy bit), she’ll be far more likely to keep seeing you.
Sharing things with girls also helps – whether that’s personal stories, things you’re working on, sexual experiences, your hobbies – anything. Especially after you’ve seen a girl a few times, starting to make her feel included in your life (even just a tiny bit) goes a long way to helping retention. Why? Because it feels like you’re building something with her.
A lot of girls stop seeing guys because they feel like the guy is excluding her from his life – like he’s got walls up, and is making it clear she’ll never be let in, and will only ever be sex and nothing else (not even cuddling or talking for 10 minutes after sex or acting like a normal human after hooking up). To be clear, I’m not saying you have to tell girls everything, or dive deep into a super-serious relationship with them. But if you give girls the impression this isn’t going anywhere & we’re not progressing at all and I don’t see you as anything but a wet hole, most of them will eventually leave. Because who wants to stay in a situation that’s stagnated and feels like the same old, same old?
A lot of girls keep seeing me when all we do is have sex – with no relationship stuff. But there’s still progression – we get better at pleasing each other, I help her explore her sexual bucketlist and tick things off. Each time she sees me, she feels like she’s learning something new; so there’s clear progression. It’s sex-only, but it’s new sex each time. It’s never stagnating.
Another thing you can do is build yourself up every time you have sex with a girl. Use your time with her to build up your own sexual experience, learn a few new techniques, get good with foreplay, buy some sex toys and learn to use them, etc. Your enthusiasm and excitement to learn and to self-improve at sex will naturally be apparent to her, and she’ll be more excited to meet you (everyone likes hanging out with people who are excited to try new things – it’s infectious).
And on that note, the very act of you self-improving goes a long way to increasing retention. If every time you see a girl, you have some new thing to tell her about, or you’ve lost another 1kg, or your fashion is a little better, or you’re a tiny bit more confident – that’s incredibly attractive to girls. Girls love ambitious guys who are going somewhere, and every time she sees you, she’ll be excited to see what new progress you’ve made. In many cases, these girls become your biggest cheerleaders. Especially if you share your self-improvement journey with them and tell them what you’re working on.
Chapter 2 – Having Your Shit Together
Having your shit together is probably the most important aspect of retention – it encompasses everything about you as a man. It’s something that naturally improves over time, as you continue working on yourself and as you gain more life experience. The older you get, the more you keep working on yourself, the more you’ll get your sex life together, your career/starting your own business, having a strong group of close friends, developing your principles and finding out who you are as a man. All that stuff is incredibly attractive to girls.
If you don’t feel like you have your life together yet, don’t stress – you’ll still be able to retain girls; it’ll just take a little more effort sometimes. Just keep working on everything I list below, a little each day. Be realistic and measure your progress over months/years; getting to a point where you really have your shit together is a long-term project.
I’m still not 100% there yet myself; not by a long shot. Becoming the man you’ve always wanted to be takes time.
2.1 – Make Yourself Attractive (Improve Your Looks)
Notice I said “make yourself attractive”, not “be attractive”; there’s a very big difference. You don’t have to be born attractive; you can become attractive. A tonne of guys have completely given up with women, telling themselves, “I’m just not an attractive guy, so it’s hopeless.” What a pathetic mindset; your attractiveness is something you can massively upgrade, if you’re willing to put in some hard work.
Hit the gym, lose all that fat until you’re lean enough to see your abs, keep improving your fashion/style, fix your sleep, get a decent haircut, whiten your teeth, groom yourself properly, start wearing height-increasing shoes if you’re a short dude. Go back through part 1 of this guide and work through the entire list of things you can do to improve your looks. I’ve laid out the entire step-by-step process for you; there’s no excuses for you not maximising your looks.
Retention is easiest for attractive guys. So make yourself an attractive guy.
As a reminder, I looked like shit at the start, and improved over a period of a couple of years. Very few girls stuck around when I was a fat mess who dressed like shit and had horrific posture/body language. Improving my looks has gone a long way to improving my retention (and of course, how easily I get laid to begin with).
My friends and coaching clients have also noticed girls sticking around more as their looks have increased. Improving your outer appearance has the biggest impact on your retention; probably more than anything else in this guide.
You don’t have to become the hottest guy known to mankind; nobody is going to argue that I’m an elite-looking guy. I improved myself to “definitely above average”, and combined with everything else on this list, that’s been more than enough to keep the vast majority of girls coming back. None of my mates who retain girls easily are “Instagram model hot” either; they’re all just definitely above average and they also possess most of the other qualities listed on this page.
Keep in mind what I’ve been saying to you throughout this series; improvement takes time. You probably aren’t going to go from “plain guy” to “sexy stud” within 1 month. Keep working on yourself week by week (use The Slight Edge method), and you’ll naturally see your retention improve over time.
2.2 – Have Your Own Life Going On
Being a busy guy with his own shit to do goes a really long way to improving retention. Everybody respects and looks up to people who lead productive lives and are working towards something. And you do have a tonne of stuff to be keeping busy with; improving your looks, losing fat, hitting the gym, messaging a bunch of girls on dating apps, practicing being a more honest and open person, improving your mental health, working on your goals.
You also shouldn’t be just sitting around texting girls for hours and hours and hours a day, mindlessly. Sure, text her sometimes (don’t just completely ignore her message if she texts you.) But don’t send, “How are you today?” messages every day, and don’t get caught up in hours of conversation via text – you should be working on your own self-improvement and making progress towards your goals; not sitting around mindlessly texting.
A lot of that will come from you simply sticking to the template I gave you in Part 3. By keeping things brief and to-the-point, you’re showing her you have a busy life and don’t have time to sit around talking for hours and hours.
Having an exciting life also boosts retention – people love being around someone who’s doing awesome, adventurous things. You don’t have to be jumping out of planes every weekend (that’s on my bucketlist), but doing cool stuff from time to time – stuff that you can tell girls about – makes you a more exciting prospect. Even small things – like the fact I’m a professional photographer – can be really exciting to girls. Everybody has at least one really interesting thing about them; it’s your job to share that with girls.
If your life is a little dull right now, then schedule at least 1 really interesting activity or something you’ve never done before, at least once every 2 months. It can be literally anything, but especially stuff you’ve always wanted to try. You can do it by yourself, or take a girl along with you – it doesn’t really matter. Random examples off the top of my head:
- Go geocaching
- Teach yourself a new skill – Mike Boyd’s Youtube channel is great.
- Go fire a gun at a shooting range
- Go rockclimbing
- Do a Float Tank (sensory deprivation tank)
- Learn to play the guitar
- Go out highfiving random strangers (yes, I do this, and yes girls love when I get them to do it with me on a date).
- Read a huge book you’ve always wanted to read (eg Atlas Shrugged)
- Go hiking
- Find interesting hobbies/meetups on meetup.com
- …and about 500 other things you can come up with on your own.
You’ll then have something really exciting to tell girls when they ask you, “What have you been up to lately?” Bonus points if you get her to come along with you too. Scheduling something exciting/new like this every few months is something you should be doing anyway. Life is meant to be fun, but it’s easy to get so caught up in the day-to-day grind you forget to relax once in a while.
Sharing your hobbies with girls helps a hell of a lot too. The first couple of times you bang a girl, you can tell her some of your hobbies, what you like to do, what you’re into. People love hearing what other people are into. And if you think your hobbies might be a little boring, I promise they’re not. After all, if they excite you, how the fuck can they be boring?
Ask about her hobbies too. After you’ve banged a few times, you may even want to get her to tag along and try some of your hobbies, depending on what sort of relationship dynamic you’re looking for. Girls love knowing more about your hobbies and especially feeling like they’re a part of your life.
Being ambitious is also important. Have goals you’re working on, stuff you’re improving; be a man who’s going somewhere. Especially if you let girls in on it and share your self-improvement journey with them, you’ll make them feel included in your life. Girls who feel included in your life (even just a tiny bit – even just a brief mention of goals you’ve been working on) are far more likely to keep seeing you.
2.3 – Be Strong and Masculine
When I say strong, I’m talking both physically and mentally/emotionally. Physical strength is incredibly attractive to girls; just like we like them to be soft and feminine, they like us to be strong and masculine. A strong man is a capable man – especially when it comes to having sex and throwing her around in the bedroom a little bit 😉 There’s nothing more fun than being strong enough to pick a girl up in the air and bounce her up and down on your cock.
You don’t have to be the world’s strongest bodybuilder – a little strength goes a long way. Hit the gym, practice your deadlifts, benchpress and squats, and improve over time. Once you’re at a point where you can very comfortably deadlift about 100kg/220lbs, you’re at a point where you can pick up most average-sized girls like the pic to the right.
If you’re not sure where to start, go back to Part 1 of this series. I started out weak as hell (I couldn’t do a single pushup), so if I can get to this point (that’s 200kg), you sure as hell can too.
Mental strength is important too – being stoic and being strong-willed. Do your best not to get too emotional, upset, or angry all the time. I’m not saying you should be a cold, emotionless rock; you don’t have to be an “alpha”. I get emotional sometimes, I get angry sometimes – and I’m honest with girls about it. I’m not perfect, and I make that clear to everybody (especially girls I date).
But if you’re sitting around being upset 5 days out of the week, or getting angry at every little thing that happens in your life, that’s not something most girls are willing to put up with long-term. Women expect you to be the rock; you’re the flag pole, she’s the flag. being more resilient and emotionally-stable is something you need to work on as a high priority – especially for your own sanity and happiness. You deserve to be emotionally-healthy.
Start with the book, You Can’t Afford the Luxury of a Negative Thought – it’s the book I recommend most for working on your emotional issues and building up your resilience & mental fortitude.
99% of women like masculine men – opposites attract. The more masculine and manly you are, the more feminine the women you’ll attract. Especially if you get yourself to a point where you’re quite assertive and dominant (in a polite way; don’t be an asshole); you’ll end up with very feminine women who enjoy submitting to you – both in and out of the bedroom. The more she can relax and be feminine around you, the more she’ll want to keep seeing you. Girls feel good when they get to feel feminine; and since you’ll be the one bringing that out of her, she’ll want to be around you more.
Another aspect of masculinity is going for what you want. The template I gave you in Part 3 and the gameplan I gave you for dates in Part 4 handle this for you; as long as you make it clear what you want from girls, they’ll respect you as a masculine man who doesn’t beat around the bush.
If you’re not currently as masculine as you’d like to be, don’t stress – like every single aspect of your personality, it’s something you can improve over time. If you’re not sure where to start, drop a comment below and let me know – I can write a few articles on how to improve your masculinity if there’s demand for it.
2.4 – Be a Decent Person (Don’t be a Dick)
Being a decent person also goes a long way to improving your retention – everybody likes spending time around people who are inherently good people. You don’t need to be the most amazing humanitarian on the planet, nor do you have to be 100% perfectly nice, 100% of the time. You just have to be a decent human being most of the time, and people will want to spend time around you.
And when you go the opposite – being a shitty person – you’ll find girls just won’t keep seeing you for all that long. I used to be a complete and utter cunt to girls – I’d treat them like crap, make out like they were the enemy, like they were something to be conquered. I treated them like they were less than human, and they picked up on this (I wasn’t exactly subtle). I could bang girls for a few weeks or months – they were probably hoping they could change me. But they’d inevitably always get frustrated and leave.
As soon as I started being a decent person, suddenly they wanted to stick around for 6+ months or sometimes even years – usually for as long as I wanted to keep seeing them.
A good rule to keep in your head is: Treat girls the way you’d treat your mates. You wouldn’t be a complete cunt to your mates; so don’t be a complete cunt to girls. Hell, I’m sure you do your best to be a really good friend to your mates – you look out for them, you want the best for them, you push them to be better people. You should aim for something similar with the girls you date.
One of my close mates is the best example I can think of – he’s the nicest guy I’ve ever met. Polite, very selfless and giving, he treats girls extremely well, listens to their concerns and never pushes them to do anything they don’t want to do. He’s not a pushover (I am not advocating you be a complete pussy “nice guy”) – he trains in boxing, and also takes self-defence classes. He’s strong and masculine; he’d fuck you up if he had to. But that’s the point – he chooses to be a nice dude to 99.99% of people he meets, and the fact he chooses to be a good dude is an incredibly attractive quality.
I’m nice as hell too (look at me tooting my own horn) – but again, not a pushover. I can – and have – held my own in confrontations/fights when required. But I’m respectful to people, I’m ultra nice to girls, I’m honest 99% of the time and I’m easy to get along with. I’m almost never a dick (well, I try not to be), I don’t insult anyone, I’m friendly to people and I’m very inclusive to new people I meet. A few of the girls I’ve asked why they keep seeing me, have told me specifically, “Because you’re really nice.”
I asked one girl I was dating why she stuck around, and amongst other things she said – “You’re respectful. You care about my needs and wants. It’s not just a background thing, it’s something you actively prioritise.” And the phrase “actively prioritise” is important – actively telling girls, “Yo, I’ll always listen to your needs – feel free to tell me anything” goes a long way to making them want to keep seeing you.
I have several other mates who are just like this – strong, muscular and masculine and I have no doubt they’re capable of violence if it was ever required… But extremely polite and nice to girls (and everyone in general). That dichotomy of “This guy is masculine and strong and capable of looking after himself” coupled with “But he chooses to be nice & polite & take care of others” is what you should be aiming for.
You don’t necessarily have to go out of your way to be as polite as my/my mates are (you only have to aim for “not a dick” – that’s usually nice enough). And I’m definitely not telling you to be a simp. If you’re a pretty nice dude but with no masculinity/strength to back it up, that’s obviously a bad thing – people will mock guys like that and say “he’s a nice guy” (in a derogatory way).
But it’s not because those guys are nice – it’s because they’re only nice; they don’t have any masculinity to go along with it They’re nice because they have to be; because at the first sign of a fight, they’d get their asses kicked. They can’t stand up for themselves, and you won’t be able to rely on them if you ever need them to have your back. That’s why women don’t respect “nice guys” who don’t have any masculinity; a tiger without any teeth or claws isn’t worthy of respect.
Back to the topic of “don’t be a dick”: if you’ve improved your masculinity and physical strength, but you think you’re too much of an asshole to girls, that’s something to work on. A lot of being a decent guy just comes down to being honest and real with girls, and not being completely selfish and self-centered. Basically, “being a decent guy” just means “don’t be an asshole”.
And what does “being an asshole” mean? I’ve lost count of how many girls have told me variations of this story: Guy is horny so he invites her straight to his house. She asks to meet in public first, he says nah and keeps pestering her, begging her to come over. She eventually relents (a dumb decision she’ll regret later). They watch a movie for 20 minutes then he makes a half-hearted attempt to fumble with her tits for 30 seconds, then he fucks her. It lasts 6 minutes (including foreplay, of which there’s basically none). It’s awkward afterwards, he doesn’t even try to talk to her or hangout after sex, basically ignoring her. She leaves, he doesn’t walk her to her car/train station. He doesn’t text her afterwards to say he had fun, and doesn’t text her until 2 weeks later when he feels like another fuck. (She politely declines this text).
Talk about a shit experience.
So just don’t do those things, and a lot of girls will tell you you’re nice by default. Don’t be completely lame and dull as fuck, and show at least the bare minimum of interest in her, and she’ll say you’re a decent person.
Especially if you couple that with honesty – just by virtue of you not bullshitting her, she’ll tell you you’re one of the nicest guys she’s met. Again, make sure you’re working on your masculinity and strength at the same time; you’ll find the more masculine and strong you are (coupled with not being a dick), the more you get “You’re really nice” compliments. Even before I became ultra nice like I am now – when I was just “not a dick” – girls were telling me how nice I was.
“Being a decent person” also means respecting boundaries and not pushing girls to do something they really don’t want to do. If she’s a little hesitant or nervous, then sure – give her a few gentle pushes if it’s obvious she wants you to help her overcome her hesitation. But in cases where she really makes it clear she doesn’t want to do something, I just say, “That’s cool, if you don’t want to do that we won’t.” Some girls want to slow down a bit in the bedroom, so I do. Some girls don’t want to do a specific sexual act, so I don’t. Some girls don’t want me to take photos with them during sex, so I don’t.
All of this seems like common sense, but a tonne of guys think, “If I just keep pushing her, or maybe if I plead my case or present some good arguments, I might be able to talk her into it.” (Again, we’re talking about when a girl really doesn’t want to do something – not when she’s just a bit shy or nervous). Sure, you might be able to convince her to do it – but do you really want to do something with someone who clearly isn’t that into it? Isn’t it much more fun to find a girl who really wants to do the specific thing you want to do; a girl who’ll be incredibly into it, incredibly passionate about it, and who might even initiate it with you sometimes?
Not to mention, if you’re a chilled guy who never pressures girls in any way, they’ll feel far more comfortable continuing to see you for a long time. I’ve had so many girls say, “I really like that you respect my boundaries. I know there’s nothing you’d pressure me into doing. I feel like I can relax when I’m around you.”
And if you’re relaxed and don’t pressure girls into doing what they don’t want to do, sometimes you’ll find a few months later they’ll say, “You know what? I didn’t want to do that thing you asked me about, but since you were so damn nice about not pressuring me into doing it… I think I’m willing to try it with you now.” Often girls open up more the longer they’ve been seeing you (especially sexually) – so if you’re cool and chilled, often you’ll find you might end up getting what you wanted anyway. It’s a nice little unexpected bonus.
A big part of improving your “niceness” (aka just not being a dick) comes the more you get laid on Tinder, as I talked about here. The more women you date and have sex with, the more you’ll start to empathise with them (more on that below). You’ll naturally become less of a dick and more of a decent human being. Go read this right now, it’ll help you a lot: Getting Laid Makes You a Better Man.
This stuff might take you a while, particularly if you’re already a bit frustrated with women, or bitter about your dating life. I get that you’ve put a lot on the line with getting laid – it’s really fucking important to you. I won’t hold it against you if you’re a little combative with girls for a while (I was), and maybe you’re a dick sometimes (I was). Just do your best to minimise it, because being a dick doesn’t help your retention and it won’t make you feel good.
Yes, you can get laid pretty easily while being a dick – but if you want girls to stick around for a long time (more than just a couple of weeks/months), it’s pretty hard to do so if you’re an asshole to her all the time. I used to be a dick all the time, and even the girls with the lowest self-esteem imaginable eventually stopped seeing me.
Whereas since I’ve been a decent human to girls, they all want to stick around for as long as I’ll keep seeing them, because who wouldn’t want to keep seeing someone who’s a good person?
2.5 – Have Your Own Apartment
So you live at home with mummy and daddy, and can’t work out why girls don’t keep seeing you for very long? Move out of home right now, young man.
Seriously – living at home is a death sentence to your retention. It also makes it a hell of a lot harder to get laid in the first place; it’s hard to plan out when you’re going to bang girls, it’s annoying having to sneak them past your parents, and most girls feel weird about doing it. They’ll be secretly wishing, “Can’t this asshole move into an apartment already?”
It’s a similar story if you’re a traveller/backpacker. Two of my mates and one of my coaching clients have done a lot of travelling, and during those times they found it harder to retain girls; mostly because girls didn’t want to get too attached to a guy they knew was going to leave and go travelling elsewhere at some point.
So having your own place is pretty important for retention. I’m not necessarily saying you have to live on your own (though that’s even better) – having roommates is fine. Just don’t live at home.
If you can live completely on your own (with no roommates), I highly recommend it – even if you have to bust your ass to afford the rent. I have my own place (I’m renting) right in the heart of my city, with a balcony with a great view. Over the last 5 years I’ve added some nice artwork, some plants, a good couch, a cupboard full of all my BDSM toys. It’s done wonders for my sex life – and my retention.
Girls regularly gush over it and say, “Wow, you don’t have any roommates? This place is amazing, how do you afford it?” (Little do they know, it’s not really that expensive). Point is, living on your own is instantly impressive to most girls – especially if you’re dating the 18-21yo girls I mostly date. Those girls usually live at home with their parents, and couldn’t even imagine having their shit together enough that they could afford to rent their own apartment.
Living alone also means you can invite girls over without worrying about logistics and without having to check in with your roommates to make sure they’re cool with you banging girls. Since moving into my own place (I used to share with a roommate), I get laid far more often, more easily, and the girls seem to stick around for much longer.
It also means you can be REALLY loud with sex, and you can fuck them in every single room of the house – on your kitchen bench, in the shower, on the couch, against the wall, on the balcony (I’m sure a tonne of people in buildings across from me have seen me fucking girls at this point).
You can also crank the music up loud in your apartment until whatever the hell time you feel like. You can walk around your apartment naked if you want to, shit with the bathroom door open, and there’s nobody creating extra mess in your personal space. Not to mention living on your own makes you feel like you’ve finally made it – you’re a man who has his own space. Fucking awesome.
Living alone also gives girls a nice bit of “respite” – your apartment can become a place for her to have a break from her parents, her problems, the annoyances of her life. She gets to come hangout with you, listen to some nice music, have some awesome sex, chill a bit afterwards and talk to you about her life & maybe ask for some advice. Best of all, she’ll be able to relax, knowing you don’t have any roommates she has to worry about. A tonne of girls tell me that seeing me is “relaxing” and “peaceful” – like seeing me is a nice vacation away from the stress of their life.
If you want to improve your retention and you currently live at home with your parents, change that ASAP. It’s much harder retaining girls when you live with mummy and daddy – it’s also much harder to get laid in the first place.
If you’re currently sharing with roommates, consider making it a goal to upgrade to your own place – you’ll find retention is even easier when you don’t have roommates to contend with and can just have girls over to hangout whenever the hell you want.
2.6 – Keep Your Apartment Clean
A clean apartment really makes a difference – would you want to keep going back to somewhere that’s dirty & stinky, or would you rather keep going back to somewhere clean and nice?
You will be able to have sex with girls if you live in a shithole, but it’s harder to keep them coming back for more, after the initial first or second time they bang you. If you want to see girls more than once or twice, take some pride in your personal space.
Before you have girls over, just hit the basics:
- Vaccuum quickly (should only take 5 minutes).
- Wash dirty dishes or just stack them in the kitchen out of the way; no plates with food left all over your damn house.
- No empty beer cans/bottles left around.
- A general tidy-up; no dirty clothes laying around everywhere, etc.
- Wipe away any stains on the couch.
- Once a week, give the toilet a quick scrub.
- Clean sheets every week or two.
You don’t need to be a clean freak; this list should only take you 20 minutes. As long as your place isn’t a total pigsty, you’re good. Put on your favourite songs or a kickass podcast while you do it so you’re really entertained – you might find you actually enjoy cleaning.
I find it easiest to keep my place relatively tidy most of the time, so if a girl is coming over, I don’t have to do much cleaning up. If you live with roommates, get them on board with the idea of keeping the place relatively clean most of the time. A messy house makes you feel like shit anyway; it’s hard to respect yourself if you don’t respect the place you live in.
Taking your personal space seriously also makes you take your sex life more seriously. You’ll try harder to get laid, you’ll try harder to retain girls; you’ll go all-in.
Make your damn bed.
2.7 – Be Financially Stable (Having a Job)
Another aspect of having your shit together is having a job – being able to earn your crust. Having a job doesn’t matter too much for getting girls to have sex with you a few times; but if you want them to stick around for longer, having a job will definitely make them think more highly of you. You don’t have to be rich (though it can help – more on that below). But at the bare minimum, have a job that pays all your bills so you can say, “I have my shit together.”
It’s not mandatory, but having a job you’re passionate about is even better. Bonus points if it’s something girls find cool – eg a doctor, lawyer, a travel blogger, a photographer, a bartender, or owning your own business. Girls love that I’m a photographer & that I do life coaching/dating coaching; they tend to ask me a tonne of questions and want to know all about it. A couple of my mates have started their own businesses, and girls love hearing about how they started, how the business is going, the things they struggle with each week, the problems they overcome, etc.
I’m not saying you have to go out there and get a “cool job” if you’re happy where you currently work. A more important point is that any job can be cool if you’re excited about it. One of my mates is a Data Scientist (a guy who looks at numbers & data; basically a glorified maths nerd). A lot of people would not say that’s a “cool” job. But he’s incredibly passionate about it, he can tell you the most interesting stories about projects he’s worked on, people he’s helped, massive amounts of money he’s made clients. I’ve seen him talk to girls about it and they’re always hanging onto his every word; because he is passionate and excited about it and they want to share in his excitement.
The more excited you are about what you do for a living, the more excited girls will be to keep hanging out with you.
On the topic of being rich – having lots of money will obviously make girls want to stick around a bit longer. Doubly so if you throw some of it around and buy her stuff from time to time (drinks, meals, etc). No, I’m not saying you have to spend any money on girls – I’ve always been frugal and I don’t even buy girls drinks in bars. But two of my mates and a few of my clients don’t mind spending money on girls, and I can’t deny it’s yet another reason for girls to want to stick around.
If you do decide to spend money on girls (I don’t – it’s up to you if you want to), just make sure you’re not being a simp and trying to buy her affections. You’re spending a small amount of money on her because you have a lot to spare and it means nothing to you to throw some around; not because you think it’s required in order to get laid on Tinder. Don’t ever let yourself get used; that’s not really “being on the same team”, is it?
2.8 – Take the Lead/Make the Moves (But Still Get Her Input)
This goes hand in hand with the point above about being masculine. Taking the lead most of the time and making the moves most of the time is sexy as hell to girls – it’ll be a huge reason they keep on seeing you.
If you’ve done everything I’ve said in the previous parts of this series, girls will already get the sense you’re a man who takes the lead. The messages you sent on Tinder/etc were forward, direct, masculine and assertive. You then took the lead by setting up the date. You took the lead on the date, and invited her back to your place. And you took the lead by making a move and having sex with her.
After you’ve banged, you then want to continue taking the lead for as long as you two see each other. When you next want to bang her, it’s up to you to send a message, “Hey cutie, free tomorrow night at 6pm?” and then inviting her over to your place to bang again. You should always be the one planning dates/sex/hangouts. You should be steering things towards what you want – whether that’s a FWB situation, a relationship, whatever. 99.9% of girls want a man who leads; they’re very happy following a guy who appears to know what he wants.
That’s why I tell you to stick to the gameplan I gave you in Part 3 / Part 4; it’ll make it clear to her you’re going for what you want. The very act of just having a plan sets you apart from the droves of men on dating apps who have no idea what the hell they’re doing. You’ll be one of the few guys (maybe the only guy) who actually seemed to know what he was doing.
Ask any girl and she’ll give you multiple examples of guys she’s dated who were passive and just kinda let things happen, with no real plan or direction – they certainly didn’t take the lead. And ask those same girls why they stopped seeing those guys, and they’ll tell you, “It just felt like he didn’t know what he wanted, like he had no plan in mind, so I left. I want a guy who knows what he wants.“
A lot of guys just don’t take the lead – in the bedroom, out of the bedroom, anywhere. They put pressure on the girl to know what to do – that’s an unrealistic expectation. Girls will follow your lead and (usually) go along with what you want to do. It’s not a girl’s job to lead; it’s yours. Yes, she’ll give you input – especially if you ask for it. Sometimes she will know what she wants. But 98% of the time, she’d prefer to follow your lead.
When girls see you take the lead, they know you have your shit together, and they’ll feel like they can relax around you. Ask any girl and she’ll tell you it’s fucking stressful having to make decisions; if you take the lead and make most of the decisions, she’ll be able to relax and just have fun with you. Now she’ll associate you with relaxation/being able to chill, and she’ll want to keep seeing you; especially when she needs a break from her everyday life.
I’ve asked a tonne of girls (probably 100+) over the years, “What’s the least attractive trait in a guy?” Without fail, they always say, “When he doesn’t take the lead.” You don’t have to be amazing at it, you don’t have to be a super alpha – you just have to be willing to take the first step, organise the hangouts, make a move on her, steer things towards sex, and organise future hangouts. Again, I’ll make it clear it’s fine to be a little shit at taking the lead at first; but you still have to try.
If you’re still struggling, don’t stress; it’s something you can learn like I did. Start with No More Mr Nice Guy and The Rational Male – they got me 90% of the way to being a more assertive man.
The other thing to remember is – you don’t always have to 100% know what you want. It’s ok to be unsure sometimes. In those cases, you can still lead – just ask her for some input. If you want to try something new in the bedroom but you’re not sure what, just take the lead and ask for her input. “Hey I’ve been thinking we should try something new and fun in the bedroom. What’s some things you’ve always wanted to try?”
If you want to hangout after sex but don’t know what you want to do, ask for her input. “Yo I feel like going out and doing something. We could go for icecream, or go for a walk, or maybe watch a movie. Got a preference?”
Taking the lead and being masculine/assertive doesn’t mean you have to always know what you want (though, props to you if you do – 99% of the time I do). Just take the lead, get some input, and then make the final decision. You’ll find girls love the fact you:
a) took the lead by initiating the conversation;
b) actually asked for her input so she felt included (most girls don’t like a completely domineering asshole); and then
c) made the final decision (so that she didn’t have to – most girls hate making the final decision).
That last part really is important: you need to make the final decision after getting her input.
2.9 – Sense of Humour (Don’t Take Yourself Too Seriously)
I can’t deny that my sense of humour has helped me a lot when it comes to retaining girls. Being funny is an incredibly attractive quality to women, and if you can make them smile when they hangout with you, they’ll want to keep seeing you (especially when life gets stressful).
But that doesn’t mean you have to be coming up with stand-up material every single time you see a girl. I’m not saying you have to tell jokes or be utterly hilarious. I’m not even saying you need to make people laugh. I’m saying you need a sense of humour.
“Being funny” and “having a sense of humour” are two very different things. A sense of humour is something everyone can possess; it just means you don’t take yourself too seriously, you’re able to laugh at something funny, and you’re not too uptight that you can’t relax and loosen up a bit.
A sense of humour is just the ability to laugh at funny things.
And it’s fine if you’re nervous as hell and really uptight or “stiff” the first couple of times you’re with a girl. It might take you a little while to relax and open up. Just do your best. Remember: sex/dating is supposed to be fun, so just allow yourself to have some fun.
2.10 – Be Positive (Don’t be Too Negative)
On a similar note, I don’t want you to take life too seriously or get too down about your struggles/other people/life/politicians/feminists/etc. A little complaining is fine; just don’t be a negative force on the world.
A big trait of myself, my mates and my clients who easily retain girls is we’re all relatively-positive people. We don’t let life get us down, and we don’t complain unnecessarily. Sure, we’re not positive 100% of the time; we have moments where we rant and whine, moments where we’re angry, moments where we’re negative and bitchy… just like anybody else. But 99% of the time, we try to see the upside in a bad situation; we look for the silver lining.
Anger falls under this category too. If you’re angry at women, then that’s something you should definitely work on. Read this: AWALT: Don’t Write Off All Women Just Because a Few Weren’t Great. Don’t stress if it takes you a while to let go of the anger; it took me a couple of years. You’ll get there too, I promise.
Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.
If you’re an extremely negative person, or a very angry person, or a very anxious person, or a very depressed person – I completely empathise. I used to be extremely negative, and it took me a long time to overcome it. But you have to understand: your negativity is like a magnet. Magnets both attract and repel, depending on which way their polarity faces. Your negativity will repel happy, well-adjusted, emotionally-stable people. And it will attract emotionally-fucked up, overly-negative, deeply-unhappy people.
My girlfriend has this to say about negativity affecting retention:
Negativity was a major trait that contributed to me not wanting to see guys more than a handful of times despite other redeeming factors, whether they were good at sex or notably attractive. One experience in particular stands out.
I met one guy on tinder before I met Andy. The issue was that afterwards he just became incredibly negative. Every time I saw him (bear in mind it was only a few times) he would start to complain about money and his job, how he couldn’t afford to do anything fun, in a nutshell, how his life sucked. That definitely didn’t make me want to talk to him, text him or keep things going for very long because he wasn’t someone that added to my life. It was just a little uncomfortable. He was a little older than me, and as someone pretty inexperienced in life, I’m not sure what he wanted from me. I’m guessing it was just just someone to complain to.
I’m very open to someone sharing vulnerabilities or worries, but this went way beyond that. Bear in mind I barely knew this guy. It didn’t come across as being honest, it came across as being a helpless victim. And when I started thinking about him in that way, it definitely didn’t make me want to have sex with him.
Negativity was a huge turn off. I was looking for a fun experience, and however selfish, I didn’t really feel like being weighed down by someone else’s problems.
If you’re negative or deeply angry/bitter, it’s something you need to start tackling now; nothing drags your life down quite like negative thoughts and feelings. Start with:
- You Can’t Afford the Luxury of a Negative Thought (book).
- Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff – and it’s All Small Stuff (book).
- Gratitude exercises. (You literally just say things you’re grateful for – do that once a day and you’ll naturally start to become a more positive person).
- Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT). This was life-changing for me in terms of turning my negative thoughts into positive or more reasonable ones. Do what I did and find a counsellor/psychologist who specialises in it (most do). Or, find an audiobook/book to teach yourself CBT.
- What to do When You Feel Hopeless and Helpless
The top book alone, You Can’t Afford the Luxury of a Negative Thought will get you 90% of the way to being more positive. It’s the best book I’ve ever read on being less negative, on dealing with depression, anger and any negative emotions. Everyone I’ve ever recommended it to has told me it’s the best book they’ve read.
So practice being more positive. You don’t have to be positive 100% of the time (I’m not and none of my mates are), but try to always see the bright side of life.
2.11 – Confidence
I can’t deny my confidence gets me laid a lot more easily these days, and definitely helps keep girls around. As my mates and clients have gotten more confident, they’ve also seen their retention go up. Girls love a confident man – a man who’s experienced, knows what to do, and knows who he is.
Confidence also means I don’t get thrown off when girls throw me a curveball – I’m not “cagey” or weird when I answer their questions (I don’t see anything as a “shittest”), I’m always honest (well, most of the time) and I usually have a smile on my face.
Knowing who you are – what your values are, what’s important to you, what your principles are – goes a long way to boosting your confidence. Waking up and looking in the mirror and knowing yourself is at the core of confidence. More than anything, it’s liking yourself – being happy in your own skin. Being ok with being you.
A girl I dated said, and I quote: It’s never awkward with you. You seem comfortable in silences and you’re not trying to fill them all the time. I think you like yourself.
And another girl: One reason [I stick around] is you’re very easy to be around, very calm and cool and confident. Before and after sex is very relaxed. In the past I’ve had guys that were awkward and made it uncomfortable.
Confidence is something that takes time. It’s easy to fake, but true, deep-down confidence only really comes with experience. I don’t want you to focus on “being confident” – that isn’t the goal. Instead you need to focus on self-improvement and working on yourself; improving your looks, hitting the gym, making friends, dressing better, working on your goals, getting better with women. The more you keep improving yourself, the more you’ll start to like yourself – and the more other people will like you too.
Confidence also doesn’t mean being completely fearless; quite the opposite. I’m a scared little bitch sometimes, but I readily admit it – that’s confidence. I’ve gone into more details about my fears and uncertainties here and here.
Confidence is saying, “Yeah, I’m scared, but I’ll try anyway.” Confidence is admitting, “Yeah, I’m not perfect, but I’m working on it.” Confidence is embracing the fact you suck, and telling yourself you don’t give a shit – you’ll give it a go anyway. Confidence is admitting to a girl, “I’m a trainwreck, but at least I have the balls to fucking admit it. I’ll get better over time.”
In the moments where you’re nervous, embrace it. I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve literally said out loud to girls, “I’m nervous” or “I have no idea what I’m doing haha”. Be open and honest about this shit – girls are on your team, remember.
The fact you’re willing to embrace your own inexperience/nervousness is confidence.
Being ok with the fact you fucking suck is confidence.
Being ok with the fact you’re a fucking loser (but you’re working on it) is confidence.
It’s real, it’s honest, it’s authentic, and you’re not trying to hide anything. Girls love that shit – every single one of my friends, clients, etc that I get to tell girls “I’m nervous” or “I have no idea what I’m doing” is blown away by how well girls react to it. It’s like for the first time they got to drop the bullshit, drop the mask and just be comfortable in their own skin.
And that’s all confidence really is – being comfortable in your own skin, and admitting it’s ok for you not to be perfect. Even if your own skin really sucks, even if you’re not where you want to be right now, even if you have a long way to go with your self-improvement: that’s ok. Being ok with being a fuckup is the definition of confidence.
You can even get all meta with this. Ironically, saying “Ok, I accept the fact I’m not confident” makes you confident. It gives you the confidence to stop hiding the fact you suck, and stop trying to run away from it. You’re embracing your shortcomings, choosing to actually face them like a fucking man, and you’re working on them. Congrats, you have courage most men don’t.
2.12 – Feel “Deserving” of Having Girls Stick Around
We’re talking about self-esteem here; knowing you’re good enough as you are, and knowing most girls would want to see you again. That comes from liking yourself and thinking you’re worthy of having others like you. But it also comes from actual evidence; once you’ve had a few girls stick around for at least a few months, you’ll have evidence you’re worthy of retention.
If you’ve struggled with retention, you won’t feel like you deserve to have girls stick around, and in some ways you’ll create a self-fulfilling prophecy. You won’t try as hard to get them to stick around, because you’ll already be expecting them to leave; so why even bother trying? You’ll be stuck in “learned helplessness.”
But once you’ve had a couple of girls stick around for a while, you’ll start feeling like maybe, just maybe, you deserve to have girls stay in your life. That will give you confidence – confidence that helps your retention. You’ll also start trying harder to keep girls around, because this time you believe it’ll work; because it worked in the past. So you’ll go all-in with everything I’ve written in this article, and lo and behold, because you’re actually putting in effort, more girls will stick around. Your results will really snowball as you work on yourself and get more dating/sexual.
I realise what I’ve just described is a catch-22. If you don’t have the experience and the evidence of girls wanting to stick around, how can you feel you deserve to have girls stick around? If you have no proof you can retain girls, how do you make yourself feel like you “deserve” to retain them?
Let’s imagine two hypotheticals:
If you don’t believe girls will want to stick around, maybe you’ll bang a girl once, a few days later you’ll invite her to come over again, and she’ll say, “I can’t, I’m really busy”. If you’ve struggled with retaining girls in the past, and don’t believe you “deserve” to have girls stick around, it’ll be very easy for you to feel down about it and feel sorry for yourself: “Oh look, another girl making excuses because she doesn’t want to see me. Why can’t girls just say what they mean. I’m sick of every girl seeing me once and then never seeing me again.” You’ll be too depressed to bother sending her another invite next week, and she’ll just think you’ve ghosted her, and so you two won’t bang again. Self-fulfilling prophecy.
But if you believe you’re “entitled” to have girls stick around, you’ll try a lot harder. You’ll reply to her text saying, “That’s cool. Well I’ll be real with you, I had a lot of fun and really want to do it again. Are you free next week instead?” She’ll say yes to next week, you’ll see her again, and you two will bang the shit out of each other. Congrats, you’ve now retained a girl, just because you believed you deserved to.
The only difference in those two scenarios was you actually tried to get the girl to see you again, instead of feeling defeated and giving up at the first hurdle.
A lot of the time guys won’t retain a girl because they’re not even trying to. They’re so convinced “I can’t retain girls” that they’re manifesting that into reality and making it come true. They’re not doing whatever it takes to keep girls coming back – they’ve giving up. If you’re not doing everything you can to get a girl to see you again, then you can’t 100% blame her/the universe/your bad luck/God/Jesus/Santa.
It’s possible to “convince” (or delude) yourself into believing you’re entitled to have girls stick around. Fake it til you make it. Just keep repeating it to yourself: “God dammit, I’m cool. I’m worth respecting. I’m worth seeing more than once.” Maybe you won’t believe it at first; that’s fine. Just keep saying it to yourself, every day, and over time as you improve yourself and your confidence increases, it’ll eventually become the truth.
The other thing to remember is your self-esteem and feelings of “I deserve to bang this girl” will naturally improve as you gain more experience. If right now you don’t feel like you deserve to have girls stick around, then just try your hardest anyway – and trust that your retention will improve if you just keep working at it.
At the start, even if you do your best to convince yourself and “brainwash” yourself into believing you deserve to get laid… I understand there’ll still be a very big part of you that doubts you’ll ever actually make it. You might feel like it’s hopesless. I address that here. You don’t have to believe you’ll be successful in order to be successful; in fact, even I’m always full of doubt. Just keep making progress, keep working on yourself, and eventually you’ll slowly start to believe you’re someone worth spending time with.
2.13 – Don’t Be Too Needy or Rush Things
Girls are used to a lot of guys coming on way too strong, way too soon – wanting a relationship after only having sex once or twice, being controlling, etc. I’ve heard so many stories from girls where guys acted weird after the second date – expecting a relationship already, wanting to talk every single day, getting needy and clingy any time she’s busy & can’t answer texts right away and becoming jealous of her male friends.
If you’re expecting a relationship after you guys have only had sex a couple of times, you need to slow down and take things one step at a time. A relationship is something you build over time, as you get to know each other. You’re not a child; don’t declare her your girlfriend when you barely even know her.
You also can’t expect her to be available all day to answer your texts or hangout with you – she has her own life going on and she doesn’t owe you her time. You should have your own life going on too, so you don’t care as much if she’s busy.
Of course I’m not saying you should go to the other extreme and be a cold, emotionless robot who doesn’t give a shit about her at all. I’m saying you want to be a man with options, who takes his time to make sure she’s proven she’ll be a good FWB/girlfriend. Have a little self-respect and take your time; don’t just dish out relationship status to the very first girl who comes along.
If you are looking for a relationship, have a reasonable timeline for things. Don’t ask her the second time you guys bang, “Wanna be my girlfriend?” Wait until you guys have banged a handful of times, really gotten to know each other, spent some time together out of the bedroom, and definitely like each other. A relationship is supposed to develop naturally as two people grow closer; it’s not a label you just slap onto any random girl just because you want a girlfriend.
2.14 – Don’t Be Controlling, or Jealous
As I touched on above, being controlling is a massive deal-breaker for any emotionally-healthy girl. Some girls will put up with controlling and jealous behaviour for a while, especially if they love drama. But we’re aiming to retain girls in a healthy way – not just “at all costs”. Being controlling and jealous isn’t good for your own mental health, and certainly doesn’t lead to a healthy relationship or friends-with-benefits situation.
If you’re only casual fuckbuddies with a girl (not in a relationship), you’ve got to remember she doesn’t owe you anything. At this stage you guys are only dating casually, so it’s not really your place to be controlling who she sleeps with or demanding she only bangs you.
It’s ok to feel a little jealous at times (I used to feel jealous for a really long time), and it’s ok to feel a little insecure sometimes (I certainly was). Just don’t let it turn into controlling behaviour; you don’t have the right to make demands of a casual friends-with-benefits (FWB). If your casual FWB is sleeping with other guys and you don’t like that, that’s cool – just stop seeing her and find a casual FWB who only wants to bang 1 guy at a time (there’s a tonne of girls who only want to bang 1 guy at a time, by the way).
I don’t care who my casual fuckbuddies or friends-with-benefits sleep with; I often encourage them to see other people and explore themselves, if that’s what they want to do. I talk to them about other guys they’re seeing, give them advice if they ask for it, and talk to them about girls I’m seeing (I keep the girls’ names out of it, obviously). Often I’m the only guy they’ve ever banged who wasn’t jealous or insecure about them seeing other people, and they’re desperate to hang onto that and keep seeing me.
It took me a very long time to get to this point though – literally years. And a hell of a lot of conscious hard work, and soul-searching, and LSD trips to help open my mind and let go of some of my deepest insecurities that were causing my jealousy. It’s definitely something you can improve – a lot of the time it comes from just dating more girls and gaining more experience. It’s hard to feel insecure or jealous when you’ve banged 50 girls.
If you’re a very controlling guy, or jealousy comes easily to you, a lot of that will be your own insecurity. That’s definitely something you can work on, by being honest with yourself. Try working through these questions:
- Why do I care what she does with her time?
- Why do I feel entitled to her time? Am I being unreasonable?
- [If you’re jealous of other guys in her life]:
- Why do I care about the guys in her life?
- Do I worry they’ll take her away from me?
- Am I worried no girls will ever stick around long-term, because deep down I’m a loser?
- [If you’re jealous/weird about hearing about her past sexual experiences]:
- Why do I feel weird if she talks about her past exes?
- Do I worry they were better than me?
- Do I worry I won’t be able to satisfy her like they could?
- Do I worry she’ll be thinking of them when she’s with me?
- Do I worry they had a bigger dick than me?
- Why do I think my idea of how she should spend her time/who she should talk to is more valid than her idea of how she should spend her time/who she should talk to?
A lot of jealousy comes from feeling like you aren’t good enough. After all, if you’re not confident in your own abilities (especially sexual abilities), you’re naturally going to worry that she’s been with better guys than you, and therefore she’ll find you unsatisfying. You’re worried she’ll need more than you have to offer.
I used to stress about the exact same stuff – it used to eat away at me. Gaining more experience and just improving myself each day eventually gave me confidence in myself, and my insecurity went away; and with it, my jealousy too.
It might take you a while to learn to relax and let go of your jealousy. It took me ages to let go of my jealous tendencies – I’m talking 3 or so years. It’s something you can work on over time. I started out extremely jealous (I’d even get jealous of girls’ platonic male friends). If I can get myself to a place where I feel almost no jealousy now, you sure as hell can too.
And as for jealousy in more-serious relationships (eg good friends-with-benefits or a full-on relationship): Then sure, have a talk about what you’re both looking for. If you’re looking for strictly monogamy, then tell her that’s what you’re after – and see if she wants the same thing. You cannot make her be monogamous if she doesn’t want to – controlling people only leads to more drama, more tension, more fights. It’s the polar opposite of “you and me on the same team”. Not to mention it’ll be hell for you, because you’ll know she’s only monogamous with you because you demanded it; you’ll constantly worry she’s secretly wanting to leave you or cheat on you.
If she really doesn’t want to be monogamous with you, you’ve got two choices. Either accept it and lower your expectations – eg tell yourself, “Ok, I’ll keep hanging out with her and banging her, because I like her. But monogamy is important to me, so eventually I’ll break things off with her and find a girl who wants monogamy.” Or break things off with her now, and go out and find a girl who wants monogamy like you do.
2.15 – Don’t Tolerate, or Create, Drama
Drama, fighting, arguing and manipulation are all things to avoid if you want girls to stick around for a long time – particularly if you’re looking for healthy, emotionaly-stable relationships.
Blackdragonblog has a bunch of great articles about drama and why you should avoid it… in fact, at the time of writing, he has 32 pages worth of articles about drama. This is a pretty decent article to start with (but most of his articles are pretty solid). Not tolerating drama means not letting her yell at you (complaining is fine, as long as it’s not angry/spiteful/bitter/passive-aggressive). And not tolerating manipulation, emotional blackmail, or anything that runs counter to our goal of “me and you on the same team”. Basically, if a girl treats you like the you’re the enemy, that’s drama.
That especially goes for her initiating drama – it’s something you should not engage in. All you have to do is say, “I’m not really interested in fighting. Let’s call it a night” and not engage in it any further. 99.9% of girls will fall in line and realise they need to be respectful and normal when they’re around you. Her respect for you will go up; it’s more likely she’ll want to keep seeing you.
And the girls who don’t fall in line and want to keep stirring drama? I cut those girls off immediately (actually, I don’t even meet those girls ever – I’ve learned which red flags to look out for, before I even go out on a date with them). Life is so much easier when you don’t put up with any drama/nonsense/fighting.
This doesn’t mean you completely ignore her problems or never let her be sad. But there’s a big difference between being sad, and starting drama. Drama is directed at you (as in, “You’re making me angry!” or “This is your fault!” or “You’re an asshole!”). Sadness is not directed at you (as in, “I’m feeling sad” or “I feel a bit hurt by something you said, is it ok if we talk about it?”). Drama is when she blames you for her problems; don’t tolerate that.
Drama is irrational, illogical, intense – her being over-the-top or unreasonable. If she just expresses her problems without blaming you, and isn’t screaming at the top of her lungs when she does it – then cool, be nice and empathetic towards her and make her feel better.
Deciding not to ever create or accept drama again does wonders for your retention, and it also means the relationships/sex you have will be a lot easier, a lot more enjoyable, and will take a lot less effort. You’ll get laid on Tinder a lot more – and be able to retain more girls – if you decide not to tolerate any drama. And because your time with girls will be smooth-sailing and drama free, she’ll enjoy her time with you more, and be far more likely to keep seeing you for a long period of time.
I have quite literally zero drama in my life these days; I shut it down at the first sign it’s about to start. If a girl shows signs she’s not going to be reasonable and drama-free, I walk away immediately. And this is coming from someone who used to accept a lot of drama and was in very abusive relationships for 9+ years. If I can draw that line in the sand and decide I’m never again going to tolerate drama, you sure as hell can too (even if it takes you a bit of practice to implement your no-drama rule).
2.16 – Retention Gets Easier the Older You Get
Younger guys don’t realise retention gets a hell of a lot easier the older you get; especially if you’ve been spending that time working on yourself. It is infinitely easier for a 40yo guy with his shit together to retain a girl, vs a 19yo guy with his shit together. (We’re not talking about getting laid; we’re talking about retaining.)
This is because the older guy has simply had more time to develop all the personality traits I’ve listed on this page – he’s had more time to get his shit together. If you’re a 20 year old guy, I’m not saying you can’t retain girls (of course you fucking can); I just want you to know if you’re struggling right now, it’ll get easier as the years progress.
You’ll also find the older you get, the more people will start taking you seriously and respecting you; that’s just a natural consequence of being older. If you find some girls just don’t seem to take you all that seriously right now, or they treat you like a guy rather than a man, just trust me that that’ll improve as the years go by.
As long as you’re continuing to improve yourself the whole time, of course.
Chapter 3 – Sex
3.1 – Compliments – Make Girls Feel Really Good about Seeing You
For the last few years, I’ve been a huge complimenter (a purveyor of compliments, if you will). I compliment my mates all the time, I compliment people I work with, and I especially compliment girls. I’ve made it a part of who I am – I enjoy making other people feel good about themselves.
A lot of that comes from the fact I never used to receive many compliments myself; especially not in regards to my looks. I’d accepted I was invisible to women, and never in a million years expected them to find me attractive. But I found as I kept working on my looks and improving myself, I started getting little compliments here and there.
At first some girls called me cute. Ocassionally one would even say “really cute” or, heaven forbid, “very attractive”. Those compliments stayed with me for months; each little compliment, no matter how small, meant the world to me. They lit a fire under my ass and made me want to go even harder with my self-improvement efforts, for the chance at getting even more compliments.
I remember wanting to cry from joy the very first time a girl on Tinder told me I was sexy. I never in a billion years thought any girl could ever find me sexy, and the fact this girl had just said that to me made me feel like I’d finally made it. Like I was finally, “a sexy guy”. A guy that girls would want to fuck. God damn, she made me feel good – and so has every other girl who’s ever given me a compliment.
So in a way, I’ve made it my mission to “pay it back” and compliment girls as often as I can, pretty much every time I think of something nice. During sex, I don’t shut the fuck up – 95% of my dirty talk is me telling them how fucking hot they look, how sexy they are, how much I love their tits, how good they’re making me feel, how good a job they’re doing. I say “Good girl” 500 times during sex; I want them to feel good about themselves while they’re fucking me.
I’ve mentioned it many times, but half of talking dirty in the bedroom is just spamming a bunch of compliments:
“I love your tits.”
“Your pussy is amazing.”
“You give the best blowjobs.”
The better you make her feel, the more likely she is to want to see you again. After all, don’t you want to hang out with people who make you feel really good about yourself?
One of my mates who retains girls as often as I do also gives a lot of compliments to girls, nonstop – I probably learned that from him. He compliments them on their appearance, compliments them when they do something right (in and out of the bedroom) and compliments them a lot during sex.
Drop any notions you may have of “I have to play it cool” or “giving compliments is ‘beta’ as hell”. Fuck that shit; if a girl turns you on, tell her. If you like something a girl does, tell her. If a girl makes you feel good, tell her. The more compliments you give, the more she’ll associate those good feelings with you – and the more she’ll want to keep seeing you so she keeps feeling good.
This also applies outside of sex. Each time I see a girl, after she goes home I’ll tell her I had fun, or she did a good job, or I’m looking forward to fucking her again. I continue to do this even after I’ve had sex with them 100 times – I still to this day text my girlfriend after every time we hangout, even if all we did was go for a walk for an hour:
I’ve always been generous with my compliments, and I’ll always continue to give them out. I like making people feel good; it makes me feel really fucking good. I even sometimes do it with my mates after we hangout. Even just something basic like, “Good talk today” or “Thanks for catching up man, felt productive as hell.”
If you haven’t been texting girls after sex to say you enjoyed it (including after you’ve already banged a few times), and you haven’t been telling them how much you love their bodies during sex, try doing those things every time you have sex and see if it improves your retention.
Be very giving with your positivity; it costs you nothing, but makes both you and her feel really damn good.
3.2 – Good at Foreplay & Sex
Being good at foreplay & sex absolutely boosts your retention – especially if casual fuckbuddy or friends-with-benefit relationships are what you’re after. The better you get at foreplay and sex, the more she’ll want to keep coming back for that meat sausage of yours.
I’ve had a tonne of girls tell me the reason they didn’t keep seeing another guy was because he put zero effort into sex – no foreplay, no teasing, didn’t try different positions; just shoved his cock in and thrusted for a couple minutes and that was it. And none of those girls expected the guys to be a sex god; they said all they wanted was “for him to just try some other things with me, not just putting his dick in me.”
Good news is being decent at sex isn’t that hard; I laid it all out for you in Part 4. Good sex really just means being willing to explore and try new things. Good sex is 95% foreplay, 5% sex. You can be totally shit at sex – as in, you cum within 1 minute of getting your dick in her pussy, as long as you spent 30 minutes teasing her and making her horny as hell first.
I got myself to a point of being really great at sex just by practicing and trying a bunch of random stuff – again, go back and read through Part 4. Foreplay really is just “teasing” – delaying the sex by taking your time playing with her body before you fuck her. You can throw other fun things in there too – toys, dick pumps, ropes, anal sex, and handcuffs. But just start with teasing and exploring her body, and be willing to experiment.
If you’d like a play-by-play of exactly what my sex usually looks like, read: Andy and His Girlfriend Bang a 6ft1 Giant.
Another big aspect of good sex is being willing to explore fantasies with girls, and helping them explore their sexual bucketlist. I’ll go into more detail on that below.
Being strong & lean/fit will also help with sex – it’ll be easier to be rough, easier to pick her up and move her around, easier to go for longer periods of time and be more passionate. It’s harder to have good sex when you’re overweight and weak, so definitely hit the gym.
My mates who easily retain girls are also very good at sex. One of my mates in particular is the one who encouraged me to buy toys (I mention him here). He put in the effort to get decent at sex, and the vast majority of girls who see him, end up seeing him quite a few times.
A lot of guys think they need to have a big dick in order to be good at sex & retain girls. Sure, having a big dick is great – if you have one, good job. But it’s definitely not mandatory. Use a dick pump like this one if you want to cheat like I do.
I’ve said it many times on my site, you do not have to be a sex God in order for girls to see you again. Being great at sex helps for sure, but it’s not the only variable. What matters much more is you showing interest in her body and her pleasure, and wanting to explore and learn with her. You can be a virgin, but as long as you’re willing to practice with her and try a bunch of things with her, she’ll want to see you again.
Especially the first time you have sex with a new girl; girls don’t expect your first time together to be the best sex you guys will have. It takes time for two people to fully open up to one another, learn each other’s fantasies and kinks, likes and dislikes, etc. So the first time, just relax and have fun, enjoy and explore, and know the sex will be even better the next time you two meet.
And if you’re nervous about performance anxiety or being able to get it up, read this: Andy’s Guide to Fixing Erectile Dysfunction (ED) & Performance Anxiety.
3.3 – After Sex
The moments immediately after sex are a magical time – you’re both laying together cuddling, feeling relaxed, full of oxytocin (love hormones), and you’ve both just fully explored each other. Let her lie on your chest, or spoon her, and just enjoy each other’s company. If ever there was a time that best represents the concept of “you and me on the same team”, it’s immediately after sex.
After sex is the best time to do most of the things I’m going to discuss below about having honest conversations with girls.
- After sex is the time to tell her you’re seeing other girls (if you haven’t already) – she’ll be much more open and relaxed after you’ve just plowed her.
- After sex is the best time to talk more about her life, her friends, make some small talk, etc.
- After sex is the best time to tell her about your life, what’s going on with you, the goals you’re working on, etc.
- After sex is the best time to ask her about her sexual fantasies, her sexual bucketlist, the things she wants to try – and tell her about yours.
The moment when you’re cuddling after sex is the time you’re both feeling openminded and relaxed, so enjoy that time together – it’s a chance for you to bond. You don’t have to hangout for ages if you don’t want to; even just 20 minutes is fine (hangout longer if you want to). If retention is your goal, this is the best time to grow closer so she’ll want to keep seeing you. In the coming sections, I’ll talk much more about what to talk about during after-sex cuddles.
A lot of guys don’t talk at all after sex – it’s basically just bang, and then lie there in silence for 10 minutes, then awkwardly say, “So… are you going to go home now?” Hanging out and talking for a bit – even just 15 minutes – is mandatory if you want to retain girls for a long time. Girls don’t feel good getting fucked and then immediately kicked out; nobody enjoys getting “fucked and chucked”.
Once you’ve finished hanging out, offer her some water to rehydrate. You can also offer her a shower if you want to (even join her if you want). I offer sometimes; most girls decline, but a few really appreciate it. Then walk her back to her car/the train station/wait with her for her Uber to arrive – it only takes 5 minutes out of your life.
It seems like such a small gesture, but a tonne of guys on Tinder/other apps aren’t doing this, and it makes girls feel like shit. Especially if you look like a “player”, it’ll mean a lot to girls that you bothered to do the gentlemanly thing and walk her back to the station/car.
Hell, I’ve specifically had a couple of girls tell me “One big reason I kept seeing you was because you walked me back to the train station, and every other fuckbuddy I’d ever had never bothered to do that.” My girlfriend herself says:
From the very first time Andy saw me he was nice to me. It was honestly a little unexpected but ultimately, part of what made me want to stick around. After the first time we met, I remember mentioning it felt oddly nice lying with him for a little while in bed after sex. At the time, emotional intimacy freaked me out but I couldn’t help but respond well to what he was doing.
Andy would also walk me to the train station to get home, holding my hand and chatting to me. Again, it felt very nice. After the few previous experiences I had, I was kicked out pretty quickly, admittedly, probably due to my own initiation. Andy didn’t really give me the option to object to being walked to the train station, and I was more that happy for him to take the lead. While I wasn’t quite used to it, it was a welcome point of difference that made me want to see him again & again, rather than someone else.
And after she’s gone home, send her a short message saying “I had fun”. Do this after every time you guys have sex – it goes a long way to showing her you’re into her and want to keep seeing her.
A lot of girls are used to guys being lame after sex (especially on Tinder/online dating) – just banging them & immediately kicking them out as soon as they’ve cum (not every guy is like this, but a lot are). If you show a bit of decency, you set yourself apart from the rest, and she’ll be far more likely to keep seeing to you. Despite all the memes about “nice guys”, girls like guys who are nice human beings. (It’s only complete pushover, passive “nice guys” they don’t like).
3.4 – BDSM / Dominance
Speaking of not liking passive guys, let’s talk about the opposite: being assertive and dominant. A tonne of girls have read 50 Shades of Grey and are dying to try things like that themselves – but they’ve just never had the chance. The number of times I’ve introduced a girl to being dominated/BDSM and had her say, “I’ve been wanting this for years but I could never find a guy who wanted to try it with me”… You can be that guy for her.
And when you are that guy, holy shit she’ll do everything she can to keep hold of you. When you introduce a girl to a whole new world she’s never explored, and when you fuck the shit out of her and make her your toy in the bedroom, it’ll be one of the most exciting periods of her life. She’ll absolutely want to keep seeing you to explore more of it.
Doubly so if you dominate her and teach her things – submissive girls are far more likely to keep seeing you. A tonne of girls love the concept of you “owning” them, and them being “yours” – nothing gets girls hornier than whispering in her ear right in the middle of fucking her, “This hole belongs to me.” You’ll find they’ll become very eager to please you, very keen to make you happy, and they’ll make that very clear to you. Retaining them will literally become just a matter of saying, “Come over Friday.”
If you’ve never done anything BDSM-related or kink-related, don’t stress. I started off completely from scratch; I knew literally nothing. Just start slow, don’t rush into anything, and go one step at a time as you explore it together with her. BDSM isn’t something you do to a girl; it’s something you do with her.
Just do what I did: grab a silk tie or a piece of clothing, use it to blindfold her, and have her lay down on the bed. Spend 30 minutes or so just teasing her, rubbing her all over, whispering dirty stuff in her ear, teasing her nipples, slowly rubbing her clit. Make her so ridiculously horny she’s moaning and begging you to fuck her, and when neither of you can take it anymore, fuck her as passionately as you can (don’t worry how quickly you cum – the foreplay was the most important bit).
Untie her blindfold, give her a cuddle, and highfive her! You guys just learned a bit of BDSM together. The next time do the same thing, but this time use some ice cubes – slowly run them over her body, watching her reaction as you hold the ice against different parts of her skin. (Hip bones, clit, nipples, neck, belly button are all the most sensitive parts). Ask her how each bodypart feels as you rub the ice over it.
Whisper in her ear, “Who does this body belong to?” She’ll respond something along the lines of “You” or “Do whatever you want to me”. Keep teasing her and talking dirty to her until she’s horny as hell, this time whispering in her ear, “If you want me to fuck you, you have to ask nicely.” When she starts begging you, then fuck her hard and fast again. Afterwards, cuddle her and tell her she did a good job. Congrats – you two have learned a bit more BDSM, and you’ve practiced being dominant a bit more too.
Over time you can add ropes/handcuffs into the mix (so she can’t move while you tease her). Buy a big vibrator like the one I use, and give her intense orgasms with it. Buy whips/paddles and spank her ass. With all of this stuff, go slow and remember you’re doing it with her, not to her.
You don’t to buy a bunch of toys all at once; just add one new toy every few weeks/months, whenever you feel like it. It took me about 2 years to buy all the toys I have and learn how to use them. And if you don’t want to buy any toys at all, that’s cool – just focus on the psychological aspects of BDSM/dominance (teasing her, making her wait before she’s allowed to have your dick, making her beg for what she wants).
Getting even decent at BDSM and teasing in general will massively boost your retention. It’s probably half the reason girls have continued to see me so much over the last few years – I’m giving them sexual experiences they haven’t been able to get elsewhere. And once I have them saying, “My body belongs to you”, the deal is sealed – they absolutely want to keep coming back for more.
I’ll be writing a BDSM series in future, but if you’d like to teach yourself a bit more while you wait, you can start here.
3.5 – Be Open-Minded & Non-Judgemental About Sex
If you think girls who have a lot of sex are “sluts”, or girls who are overly kinky are “unclassy” or “whores” – stop that right now, it’s hindering your retention. It’s also lowering how often (and how easily) you get laid.
Girls get judged for their sexuality enough as it is – by their friends, family, guys, other girls, society. Almost every single girl I’ve ever asked has at least one story of a guy she dated and tried to subtly/gently tell him she wanted to try some more exciting stuff (even just basic mainstream stuff like blindfolds – stuff that isn’t even really that kinky). The guys freaked out, some said shitty things like, “Only sluts do that stuff”, and the girl felt embarassed and betrayed.
And you know what that results in? It results in her being less sexual when you come along and try to bang her. She’ll be less willing to try new things (especially kinky things), and less willing to open up and be vulnerable with you. Which results in sex that’s a shitload less fun & a friends-with-benefits relationship that’s a shitload less open.
Thanks judgemental guys, you’ve fucked it up for the rest of us.
But look, if you’re a judgemental guy, or you often use the “s-word”, I promise I won’t be too hard on you. Because the truth is, a few years ago I was no better. I used to think girls who had more than 5 sexual partners in their lifetime were bad people. I used to get grossed out by girls dressing a little risque on a Friday/Saturday night. I’d never go down on a girl & lick her pussy, because I was convinced they all had STI’s or some nonsense. I thought any girl who wanted to explore her sexual fantasies was a dirty whore. I’m shocked I was ever that horribly judgemental (I’m the most open-minded guy you’ll ever meet now), but there you go.
So yeah, I understand being judgemental more than anyone.
After a lot of soul-searching, a lot of deep talks with my mates, and a lot of effort over a period of a few years, I gradually became less judgemental and less of an asshole when it came to girls having sex. And you know what happened? Girls started trusting me, opening up to me, and having the wildest, kinkiest sex with me imaginable. They also stuck around for longer – retention became a lot easier the less of a judgemental dick I became. The same goes for my mates; the ones who retain girls the easiest are the least judgemental.
Like I said, girls cop enough judgement from everybody else around them; particularly those closes to them. 95% of girls I bang have at least one female friend (but usally multiple friends) who judge them for their sexuality. So you not judging her makes her feel like she finally has someone she can relax around, let her sexuality come out a bit, and explore herself. Especially if you actively encourage that sexual side of her (which you should be doing – you want her to be sexual and care-free with you, right?)
It’s easy enough to do – actively tell her, “I’ll never judge you for anything you ever say to me, and I’ll never judge you for being into something sexual.” Either say this over text or in person, when cuddling after sex. I send something similar to this to most girls (or I have this conversation in person):
When you’re more confident, you can go a bit more full-on like I do, and actively encourage her to be filthy for you. Encourage her during sex – when you’re fucking her, whisper in her ear, “I love it when you’re filthy.” Tell her during sex, “I want you to be my little whore.” When you’re cuddling after sex and she’s laying on your chest, say to her, “You know, the dirtier you are, the more I like you.” Show her you want her to bring out that filthy, kinky side, and you’ll be rewarded with some fucking mind-blowing sex.
I think most girls stick around with me in particular because I let them be completely depraved, often for the first time in their entire life, with absolutely zero judgement. I make it clear to them they can tell me the most fucked up stuff in the universe, and I won’t think less of them. I actively ask for it in a lot of cases:
The result is girls who open up to me and show me their dirty side; girls who are normally quiet and reserved and would otherwise never be so filthy. I’ve had some really wild responses to this text – I’ll go into more detail in a later section below.
I’m also non-monogamous with my fuckbuddies, and non-judgemental if they want to bang other guys. (If you’re only looking for monogamy, that’s cool – just make sure you’re upfront about it, and never try to force a girl into monogamy if she doesn’t want to. That’s a recipe for disaster).
Being non-judgemental about girls seeing other guys is something that’s extremely rare – most guys aren’t ok with girls exploring their sexual options with other dudes. They either tell the girls not to do it, or just don’t ask/pretend it isn’t happening, and hope she never ever brings it up. “Out of sight, out of mind”.
I make it clear to girls that I’m cool with them seeing other guys, and sometimes we even talk about other people we’re both banging/dating. A lot of girls who stick around tell me it’s because I was the first guy she’s met who didn’t judge her for her sexuality or try to control her or “lock her down”.
If you’re in a place where you’re currently pretty judgemental, it’s fixable. If a completely insecure, judgemental, controlling asshole of a mess like me can fix it, you can too. The reason people are judgemental is because we have preconceived notions and expectations about something. So let’s work on slowly breaking down those preconceived notions.
I want you to ask yourself these questions (you might have to keep asking yourself these over a period of months or years, continually working on them).
- Why is a girl a bad person if she enjoys sex?
- Is a girl really a “slut” if she’s seeing more than 1 guy at once? Why?
- Am I just intimidated by the fact she’s had more sex than me?
- [Assuming you’re not looking for monogamy] Am I insecure about other guys she’s banging/has banged, because I think they’re better than me/have a bigger dick than me/fuck better than me/have more experience than me?
- [Assuming you’re not looking for monogamy] Am I worried if she bangs someone else, she’ll realise he’s better than me – and she’ll stop seeing me?
- Do I feel insecure about her having more sex than me, because if I’m honest I feel like she’s somehow “better” if she gets laid more than me?
- Do I feel like a “loser” if I can’t get laid as easily as she can?
- Is this really about her and her behaviour, or is this about me and my insecurities/shortcomings/worries/fears?
I found the main reason I was so judgemental was because I felt inadequate. I felt like girls were out there having all this sex and I wasn’t, and therefore I could never match up to all the other guys she’d fucked. Like I was inferior; not good enough.
As I kept improving myself and working on myself, I naturally became more confident and started knowing what I was doing, so I naturally became less judgemental. Your path out of being judgemental is to focus on the dotpoints I gave you above, and just trust that the more experience you get, the less judgemental you’ll become.
You can also work on being less judgemental about particular fantasies. If a girl tells you a particular fantasy she has that makes you feel weird or something that grosses you out, explore it. Why does it gross you out or make you feel weird? Is it the fantasy itself, or something else?
You start by talking to the girl honestly about it. “To be honest that weirds me out. I don’t want to judge you though, so let’s explore why you’re into it. Maybe if you tell me what aspects of it turn you on, I’ll be able to understand better and see where you’re coming from.” You’ll find all fantasies have deeper aspects, and even the most wild shit that grosses you out at first, has deeper turnons you can explore instead. (Even if you’re not into the original fantasy itself.)
For instance, maybe a girl tells you she has a rape fantasy (it’s more common than you might think). Maybe that’s something that horrifies you, and your knee-jerk reaction is to judge her for having such a “horrible fantasy”. But ask her in an open-minded way what in particular turns her on about it, and she’ll tell you it’s about the loss of control, feeling helpless, having to submit, having a guy so overcome by his desire for her he can’t help but take her. At the heart of it, rape fantasies are mostly about being desired and then being overpowered.
“Being desired” and “being overpowered” are fantasies you can explore with her; even though the original fantasy (rape) wasn’t your cup of tea. Tie her up and blindfold her, then spend hours telling her how fucking hot she is and how much you want her. Spend hours using her however you want, with her unable to move and having no control and no idea what is coming next (the blindfold means she can’t see what you’re about to do). While you’re fucking her, tell her, “You’re so fucking hot, I can’t help myself – I have to have you.” (That’s the being desired part she was looking for).
Awesome – now you’re both exploring the deeper aspects of her fantasies that really turn her on, and more importantly, you’ve chipped away at some of your judgemental thoughts. Not to mention, the two of you have found some common ground; whereas at the start you felt distant and put off by her initial fantasy.
It might take you a long time before you stop being judgemental about sex, so don’t beat yourself up if this stuff doesn’t instantly change overnight. It took me several years; I promise I’ll help you get there too.
3.6 – Give Girls Experiences They’ve Never Had
Along with foreplay, good sex, dominance and trying new things, the best thing you can do to up your sex game is to start exploring your sexual bucketlist with girls – and exploring their bucketlists too. It’s fucking fun figuring out what things a girl has never tried before, and then having fun exploring it with her and opening her (and often yourself) up to new experiences.
You can do this pretty easily – just tell the girl(s) you’re seeing to write you a bucketlist of things they want to try. Then tell her each time you guys meet up, you’ll both pick one or two things to tick off her list.
As long as each time you meet you try something new and explore it, you’ll find girls start sticking with you just for a chance to explore all their secret fantasies. There’s a huge portion of girls that keep seeing me just because each time they do, they know we’ll be ticking something new off their bucketlist.
If you haven’t had a lot of experience with more kinky, dirty or rough sex, that’s cool – just do what I did. Write a big long sexual bucketlist yourself, and ask girls for their lists. Then have fun trying a bunch of things from your list and her list, and learn as you go.
I had absolutely zero experience when I started (I’d never even spanked a girl, not even for fun – and I used to call sex “making love”. I’d never in a billion years use the term “fucking”). I just kept an open mind, tried a bunch of things to see what I liked & what I didn’t like, and figured it all out along the way.
You’re offering girls a chance to explore their sexuality and their fantasies in a non-judgemental environment – and that last part is key. As I covered above, being non-judgemental is important; you have to show you’re not going to think she’s slutty or gross if she has fantasies. Tell her, “I won’t judge anything you tell me.”
I sometimes specifically tell girls I want the absolute kinkiest fantasies they have. If you’re not super experienced and aren’t quite ready to hear the depths of sexual depravity, just stick to “Tell me some of your naughty fantasies” – that’ll give you more than enough to work with.
Over the years, I’ve gotten pretty decent at getting girls to tell me what they want, and then giving them that experience. Some girls want to be fucked roughly and pounded; I have fun banging the shit out of them. Some girls have never had an orgasm; I have fun showing them my vibrators and toys, and teaching them how to have an orgasm. Some girls have never explored another girl; I have fun introducing them to another one of my girls in a 3some, and teaching them how women’s bodies work, how to go down on a girl, etc.
In short, I’m their conduit for kinky sex; their chance to explore a side of themselves they’ve never explored before. A good excuse to try all the wild things they’ve always had in their head but didn’t think they were allowed to explore.
I help girls come out of their shell – with me and with other people. Sometimes I even teach them how to take the lead and be a little more dominant (particularly in 3somes with another girl). This in particular is a thrilling fantasy for them (once they get over their initial terror of having to take the lead – even with me coaching them). Once they gain some confident, they realise how awesome it is to be dominant and take what you want, in the way men are “allowed” to do.
Exploring different fantasies with girls will naturally keep most of them seeing you for months, because they’re genuinely excited to try something they’ve never tried before, and you’re the guy giving them that experience. It’ll feel like you’re building something together – remember how important I said that was. Exploring sexual bucketlists is the best way to prevent stagnation.
You can also have fun giving girls homework tasks to complete. Make them take some fun videos and pics for you, get them to complete tasks for you like having 5 orgasms in a day – whatever you can think of. Girls find this stuff incredibly fun, and it makes them feel closer to you – it’s another reason for them to keep seeing you.
You can give girls new experiences outside of the bedroom, too. Maybe you have some unique hobbies, and after you’ve banged a girl a few times, you start bringing her along and showing her something she’s never tried before.
Maybe you don’t think your hobbies are all that exciting, but I promise you to someone who’s never tried it before, it’ll be fascinating – she’ll love sharing in your world. I have a mate who loves video games and board games, and has introduced a couple of girls to that world and they absolutely love it. Anything can be interesting if you’ve never explored it before.
For me, it’s photography, geocaching, and probably also my dating coaching/life coaching. Girls find all of that stuff fascinating and are always asking me questions about it, and love it when I introduce them to that world (especially the photography – it’d blow your mind how much girls love doing nude/artsy photoshoots with me).
3.7 – Nude Artsy Photoshoots
And what a fucking amazing segue that was. An experience you can give girls that they’ve likely never had before is taking nude photos with them. Doing artsy/nude photoshoots with girls is something I’ve started doing over the last year or two – it’s been jolly good fun.
Not only is it a hell of a lot of fun for both of you, it’s also a great chance for girls to let out their creative side, their naughty side, do something a little daring. A tonne of girls have always fantasised about being a model just for a day and having all the attention solely focused on her – feeling pretty, looking sexy, all that good stuff.
Girls already know I’m into nude/artsy photos, because I send them a couple of example photos before we even meet up. After I’ve banged them once or twice, I ask them if they want to be in a shoot and do some artsy nudes. About 50% of them are really into the idea, so we end up doing some photos together.
You don’t have to do photoshoots with girls if it’s something you have no interest in. But if you do want to try, but lack the photography experience – just fool around and practice anyway. If you don’t have a camera, buy the one I have and recommend.
Then, go through what I wrote in Part 4 about doing nude photos.
I totally sucked at photography when I first started; I only got better by taking a tonne of photos. Tell your girl you want to get into taking artsy nude photos but have never practiced before, and the two of you can have fun learning together.
It’ll be fun for you taking photos, and definitely a lot of fun for her, getting to be the centre of attention as she poses for you. And when you show her the end result, you’ll find most girls are blown away by how good they look (if you did a decent job. If not, keep practicing – she’ll be happy to try again with you if you make it fun for her).
You’ll find girls start messaging you with ideas for photos they want to shoot with you. A lot of girls get really excited about doing more photoshoots with you, and will start asking you, “When can we meet to do another one?”
It’s just one more thing to add on to the list of reasons they’ll want to spend more time with you.
3.8 – Should I Wait Before Having Sex, to Help Retention?
A couple of guys have asked me if they should wait til date 3, or 4, or 5 before having sex, and the answer is a resounding no. Like, what the fuck are you thinking sort of no.
Waiting longer doesn’t necessarily help you retain more girls. But it definitely helps you waste more time, as I’ve discussed here.
Waiting longer before banging also makes her feel like sex isn’t your priority; so she’ll see you as less of a masculine man (not a good thing). More importantly, you’ve removed all of the passion, the lust, the wanting each other; waiting ruins all the sexual tension.
A lot of girls feel very hurt if you wait before having sex with them. They’ll feel like you can’t possibly want them all that badly; after all, if you did, you wouldn’t have been able to contain yourself. Girls want you to be overcome by desire for them, so much so that you just have to have them.
Even when you’re in a relationship with a girl, every time you meet, the best thing you can do for your relationship is to grab her and fuck her passionately the second she walks in the door. Girls are far more likely to stick around for somebody who wants them really bad.
After all, wouldn’t you keep seeing a girl who couldn’t keep her hands off you?
3.9 – Girls Who’ve Had Less Sex are More Likely to Stick Around
This is just a short aside; inexperienced girls (especially virgins) tend to be far easier to retain than girls who’ve been with a lot of guys. Inexperienced girls get attached more easily (because sleeping with a guy is still new and novel to them). They’re also more excited to stick around and learn about sex and dating with you; because they lack experience, they’ll see you as the guy who’s going to help them with that.
Don’t take this as me saying you should have sex with inexperienced girls – have sex with whomever you want to have sex with. I’m saying, if a girl has had a lot of sexual partners, don’t be too bummed if she’s a bit more independent than less-experienced girls, and ends up wandering off at some point.
A big part of the reason I’ve retained so many girls is I’ve tended to date more inexperienced/virgin girls (that’s just the dynamic I like – I enjoy mentoring and teaching girls). Probably about 75% of the girls I sleep with have had sex with less than 10 guys. If you prefer girls who already know what they’re doing & have had a lot of sexual experience, then go for it – just bear in mind your retention rate might be slightly lower than mine.
Chapter 4 – Honesty
4.1 – Tell Her You Want to Keep Seeing Her
This is the most stupidly-basic thing, but a lot of guys overlook it. It sounds so simple, but just telling a girl you want to see her again goes a long way to boosting retention. “I had fun, looking forward to next time” or “I want to do that again” is all it takes.
I know you might think, “It’s already obvious I want to see her again – the sex was good.” But girls can be insecure sometimes, and if you don’t actually tell her you want to see her again, she might feel like maybe you didn’t really like her that much and she’ll be less excited to keep seeing you. Especially if you do what I advise and steer things towards sex on the first date; some girls will think you only wanted a one-night stand. Telling her, “This was fun, looking forward to next time” makes it clear you plan on keeping her around.
If a girl isn’t 100% sure you plan on continuing to see her, oftentimes she’ll withdraw or in some cases even cut things off just to save herself future heartbreak.
For a long time I never really told girls that I planned on continuing to see them. I was cold, closed-off, and kept my cards close to my chest. A tonne of girls eventually broke things off with me, because they could never tell if I actually liked them and wanted to keep seeing them. (This isn’t me just theorising; months later I texted a few girls to ask why they stopped seeing me, and they all said variations of, “I just assumed you didn’t really like me all that much”).
So if you want to retain a particular girl and keep banging her/dating her for a while, make that clear to her. Girls like knowing you had fun and want to see them again; it means a lot to them (just like it means a lot to you when a girl tells you she likes you/enjoys your company). Don’t keep your cards to your chest; be real with her and tell her you you want to see her again.
If you really want to improve your retention, do what I do: after the second or third time you have sex, when you’re lying in bed cuddling after sex, make it very clear you plan on continuing to see her for a while. I say, “By the way, I have a lot of fun with you and the sex is really good. I’ll definitely keep seeing you for as long as we’re both having fun – you’re cool.”
This is especially important if you come across as a bit of a player or an extremely confident guy. When you look like a guy who has a lot of sex, a lot of girls will expect you to only see them once or twice. Doubly as important if you’re super-forward and sexual like I am on Tinder; sometimes girls are shocked (and very happy) when I tell them I want more than just a one night stand. Me being proactive and telling them after sex that I will keep seeing them (as long as we both keep having fun) has noticeably upped my retention.
Sometimes I even go so far as to warn girls of their own instincts: “I know I have a lot of sex and see a lot of girls, so youre going to be tempted to hold back so you don’t catch feelings. I don’t want you to think feelings are “wrong” or that you’re “not allowed to have them” just because we’re in a casual FWB relationship. If you do get feelings, which is a completely normal thing that’ll happen to both of us if we see each other enough times, then just tell me. Feelings are inevitable, so we’ll talk about it.”
In other words, I do everything I can to keep girls on the same team as me; I keep it real with them. Showing girls you don’t plan on just using them once or twice and immediately discarding them goes a long way to keeping them around. (If you want to just bang girls once or twice, fine; it’s your life. But why are you reading this retention guide?)
There’s no better example of this I can give you than my own girlfriend. She was very insecure when we first met, and I was very much an obvious player/fuckboy looking for very casual sex. After the first time we banged, I sent her a message saying I had fun and really wanted to do it again. I sent her a similar message after we’d had sex twice, and eventually had the “I’m happy to keep seeing you for a while” talk. I remember her being surprised, and almost grateful for me telling her that. She later told me most of the other guys she’d met had been less “real” with their feelings/intentions.
She had this to say:
When I first started looking to meet guys on Tinder I had the expectation of ephemeral casual sex. I thought that was what every guy wanted and that anything else was a huge no-go. I know this is an opinion a lot of my friends shared too. Tinder wasn’t the place you went to date, it was for one night stands.
I was honestly a little surprised Andy seemed interested in seeing me multiple times. A big part of the reason I wanted to keep seeing him again was because he told me he wanted to.
Being someone that was pretty scared of rejection, if he hadn’t told me this I probably would’ve ghosted him first just so I wasn’t the one being rejected.
It’s such a simple thing, but a hell of a lot of guys just don’t make it really clear to the girl they had a good time and really want to see her again. So then when they hit her up to hangout again, she’s on the fence or hesitant – because the guy was playing it too cool and didn’t actually tell her he had a good time.
A lot of girls are insecure and have fragile egos, just like we do. A little compliment goes a long way – after each time you have sex, tell her, “That was a hell of a lot of fun, I’m looking forward to next time.”
4.2 – “You and Me” – Being on the Same Team
As I mentioned above, being on the same team as girls (“you and me”) is a massive part of retaining them. Once you’ve got your looks handled and you look pretty decent, being on the same team might just be the second-most important factor.
Imagine this: Let’s say you have only your looks handled and nothing else on this entire list – ie you’ve gotten to a point where you’re good-looking, but you live at home, your job isn’t great (but you’re working on it), you’re not amazing at sex (but you’re working on it). As long as you’re real with girls and keep them on your team, a hell of a lot of them won’t care that you don’t have the other factors handled just yet. Just be fucking real with them and say, “Hey I’ll be real with you. I really like seeing you, the sex we have is great – but if I’m honest, I feel like because I don’t have my shit together in other areas of my life, you’ll probably not want to hang around for ages. I’d rather talk to you about this and share it with you, rather than bottle it up inside. Honesty is always the best policy.“
That level of honesty and openness is fucking mind-blowing to most girls; 99.999% of people will simply never have experienced someone being that truthful and vulnerable with them. I promise you, if you are that real with girls 99% of them will say, “Wow. Jesus you’re honest. Well I’ll be real with you too: I’m not perfect either, and I’m a little insecure that you’ll think I’m not as pretty as other girls or not as cool as other girls. Sometimes I think you might get bored of me too.” I’m speaking from experience – this is how this conversation has gone almost every single time I’ve had it (and I’ve had it quite a lot – I’m deeply honest with girls and I straight up tell them my flaws/insecurities).
When you open up with people and be truly fucking vulnerable, most people will reciprocate and be truly fucking vulnerable with you too. And the few that don’t? Well, they can go be closed-off with somebody else.
I’m not saying you should neglect everything else on this page; you absolutely need to keep improving yourself and work towards having all the factors I’ve listed. But in the mean time, being real about your insecurities/worries and treating her like she’s on your team (rather than someone you have to hide things from and pretend to be perfect around) makes up the deficit.
Another thing I do is make it clear to girls that I’m not perfect, and I don’t expect them to be either. I literally tell them “I’m not perfect and I don’t expect you to be.”
I’ll say it every time they apologise for something, or if they ever make a mistake. I’ll say it if they’re insecure about something. I even make a point of saying it when I make a mistake – “See? I’m not perfect, and I really don’t expect you to be.” This goes a long way to allowing girls to relax around you and just be themselves, without fear that they have to be “perfect”. And when girls can relax and just be themselves around you, without fear of being judged, they are much more likely to keep seeing you.
After all, don’t you want to be around people who make you feel like you can just relax and be yourself?
I also reassure girls whenever they have doubts (especially early on, when it’s not really established that you guys are going to keep seeing each other for a while). Here’s an example: This is a girl I had banged once. I was trying to set up the next hangout, and she was busy for a few days and didn’t have any free time to meet me. She apologised a few times for “being a pain”; she’d also previously joked that, “You probably have a lot of other girls you could see instead”. My text is in grey:
You can see it’s just a little reassurance – “Don’t stress about letting me down or something”, along with “You did a very good job the other day”. We ended up meeting the next week and after sex, as we were laying in bed I had the talk about, “I’m enjoying banging you, and as long as you’re enjoying it too, we’ll keep seeing each other.” We’re still seeing each other now casually – the gentle reassurance and keeping her on my team certainly helped.
As I mentioned above, these reassurances are also important if you’re being non-monogamous and are banging a few girls at once. I have a pre-emptive conversation where I tell girls they’re probably going to get feelings for me, and even though we’re just casual fuckbuddies, that’s completely ok (and normal). Girls are really appreciative of the fact you’re telling them it’s not “wrong” to catch feelings in a casual relationship.
I had this conversation with my girlfriend actually – multiple times. And at the point where she did catch feelings for me, even though she was fucking terrified to admit them, she was able to open up to me and tell me she liked me. She later on made it abundantly clear she absolutely would have run away if I hadn’t previously told her it was ok to catch feelings. She said she would have stopped seeing me and moved on to the next guy, because she was so terrified of “liking someone in a casual relationship.”
My relationship literally wouldn’t exist if I hadn’t pre-emptively told her, “It’s ok if you catch feelings. It’s inevitable. Tell me when it happens and we’ll talk about it.” In my experience, bringing girls onto your team really is the second-most important factor after making yourself attractive (maybe it’s even more important).
There’s other aspects of treating girls like they’re on your team. The obvious stuff – don’t play games. Don’t manipulate. Don’t be passive-aggressive; just tell her what you want/think/feel, directly, instead of trying to be subtle about it. Don’t neg her. Tell her the truth.
Sharing your goals and your self-improvement with her also goes a long way to making her feel included and on your team. Tell her what you’re working on, tell her what your eventual goals/milestones are, tell her the things you want to achieve in life – tell her the things that get you excited. She’ll be excited to hangout with you so you can share your latest victories and achievements with her – every (healthy) person loves hearing exciting news.
You don’t have to be in a serious relationship to share your goals and what you’re working on; I still talk about it with casual fuckbuddies. When they ask, “What have you been up to this week?” just tell them what you’ve been working on, anything you’ve struggled with, and what your plan is to overcome those struggles. Girls love hearing this stuff, especially because the majority of guys don’t really share it with girls. Sharing goes a long way to making them feel included, and her feeling included always improves retention.
Share other stuff too – stories of your family, your friends, your hobbies, etc. If you’re a little shy and take a while to open up with people that’s totally cool – just practice being a little more open each time you hangout. You’ll get better at being open the more you practice it.
4.3 – Be Honest About Everything
I’ve touched on honesty already, but let’s go balls-deep now.
Half of the articles on my site are about honesty – it’s a core tenant of mine. If you’re here reading my stuff, chances are you probably care about honesty too. And nowhere is honesty more important and useful than retention.
Keeping girls on your team, being real with them, and telling them what you’re thinking makes them feel like they can trust you. And trust is a huge part of a girl wanting to keep banging you/dating you for a long period of time.
Especially if your eventual goal is to have a relationship; practicing honesty from the very beginning should be your mission. That way, when you do get into a relationship, you’ll already be good at being honest, because you’ve been doing it from day 1.
Be honest about everything – as much as you possibly can.
Be honest about where things are going.
Be honest about seeing other girls.
Be honest about your lay count.
Be honest if you don’t want to see a girl again.
Be honest about your fears/insecurities.
Be honest about what you want – tell girls if you want some strictly casual, or if you’re open to something more with the right person.
Be honest if she asks you a direct question – don’t bullshit her or “tell her what she wants to hear”. Girls are used to people telling them “half-truths” in order to not hurt their feelings. If you tell her the truth, even if sometimes it sucks to hear, she’ll respect your brutal honesty and know she can come to you when she needs to hear the blunt truth.
Quite a few girls have told me part of the reason they keep seeing me is because I tell them the truth, when all of their friends and family are lying to them just to try and make them feel better. Just make sure you say it with compassion, if it’s something you think might hurt her – you can be brutally honest without trying to intentionally hurt her.
Most guys lie about (or at least hide) a lot of this stuff, and girls are used to not getting a truthful answer from half the guys they date. So when you tell the truth, you’ll set yourself apart and she’ll feel like she can actually trust you. Trust is important in retaining girls for a long period of time – because trust means she knows you’re not going to intentionally hurt her or screw her over. She’ll be more likely to stick around and build something with you.
If you want a perspective straight from a girl as to what it’s like being in an honest relationship, read my girlfriend’s article: What Honesty Looks Like in a Relationship.
If you’re a more advanced/experienced guy, you can even go all-in and be as honest as I am, literally telling girls if they meet up with you that you’ll be having sex. This is what I do with my BDSM Tinder lines – girls absolutely know when we meet, we will be having sex. Being that honest from the get-go means girls never have to guess what you’re looking for, or guess if you’re going to keep seeing them for sex; they’ll know you’re a straight-shooter who just tells it like it is. They’ll know what to expect from you, and they’ll be able to relax and keep seeing you.
The mates of mine who retain as many (maybe even more) girls than I do, have always been very honest with girls. In fact, they were doing it well before I was. Back when I was being a dickhead to girls, two of them were the ones who pushed me to start being honest with women. I probably wouldn’t have done it without them – thanks Tim & Mike.
I wasn’t always honest – I used to lie about everything I possibly could. I was a bit of a dickhead, and girls knew it – and all the emotionally-healthy, sane ones left because they knew I’d never be honest with them or respect them enough to tell the truth. Ever since I started being real with girls and practicing my honesty, my retention has gone up.
If you’re struggling with being honest right now – don’t stress. Start here: Honesty is an Ideal You Work Towards. And don’t beat yourself up if you lie sometimes (or often) – you’ll get better at being honest the more you practice it.
4.4 – Being Upfront About Seeing Other Girls
Continuing the theme of honesty, girls are far more likely to stick around if you’re upfront and honest about the fact you’re seeing other girls (or plan on seeing other girls – assuming that’s your goal). If you’re only looking for pure monogamy, feel free to skip this section.
If dating/banging multiple girls is something you want, then tell girls that as early as you can. By being more upfront about it early on, the girls that sleep with you will know exactly what the sitation is, and they’ll be happy to go along with it. But if you don’t tell them or hide it from them, they’ll eventually find out – and will usually be pissed off you lied to them and they’ll be less likely to keep seeing you. Being upfront means girls are more likely to stick around.
If you’re nervous about telling girls you’re seeing other girls, just follow what I wrote here. Your goal is to tell her as early as you possibly can – it’s ok if you have to work up the courage first and only manage to do it after you’ve had sex a couple of times. That’s still honesty – you just took a bit of time to work up to it.
Then, the next girl you date, aim to tell her sooner than you did with the previous girl. Try and tell her immediately after the first time you have sex. Congrats! That’s more upfront than the previous girl – you’re making progress.
The next girl you see after that, aim to do it before you have sex. Then the next girl after that, aim to do it before you even meet up. Complete honesty can take time if you’re really scared to do it; I get that. If you’re nervous, your goal is to just get better at it, and work on sharing the truth a little earlier with each new girl.
The more upfront you are and the earlier you tell girls, the more they’ll respect you – and the more they’ll know you respect them. You’ll be one of the few guys that hasn’t hidden his intentions or outright lied about them; for a lot of girls, you’ll be the only one who’s ever been this upfront.
Once you’ve told girls you’re seeing other girls, you can also start telling them about your dating/sex life (if you want to). Share your fun past dating experiences, talk about things you’ve learned from the girls you’ve been with, and be open about your sex life (obviously don’t share intimate personal or private details of other girls). And then ask girls about their sex/dating life. The more open you are with your dating/sex life, the more open girls will be with you about theirs – and the closer the two of you will be.
You don’t have to talk about your sex/dating life if you’d really rather not – some guys like to keep this stuff private, and I get that. But if you want to talk to girls about your sex life/dating life, go for it – most girls love talking to us about this stuff (because they never get a chance to – most guys have never even considered talking about their sex/dating life in detail).
This is also a great way to lead into 3somes – this is exactly how I’ve had most of my 3somes. All you have to do is tell a girl you’re seeing other girls, then ask her, “Have you ever fooled around with another girl, or thought about it?” If she says yes, show her a couple of photos of the other girl. Once you’ve shown both girls each other’s photos, if they both like each other, tell them you’ll all hangout and have some wine together and see where things lead. (“See where things lead” is a polite way of saying “Fuck the living shit out of each other until neither of you can walk properly.”)
Being so open about dating other people/your past dating life makes it very clear to girls you’re an open-minded dude who’ll never be “weird” about sex. They know you’ll never hide anything from them or act sheepish when it comes to your sex life.
Because if there’s one thing that ruins retention, it’s keeping secrets and acting weird or guilty.
4.5 – Understanding Girls (Empathy)
The more girls you date and have sex with, the more you’ll start to really understand girls in general. Doubly so if you do what I talked about here – asking girls about themselves, their lives, about what it’s like to be a girl, etc. Make it your mission to learn everything you possibly can about women, and that’ll translate to empathising with them – which massively boosts your retention.
For a lot of girls, if it’s obvious you really get what it’s like to be a girl, you will be the only guy in her life who’s ever understood her. Sometimes you can even know them better than they know themselves. That’s such a fucking rare thing (most guys think women are “mysterious” and “unknowable”). Nah, women are pretty easy to understand – if you just bother to actually get to know them.
Whenever you’re in the post-sex afterglow, and you’re lying there together cuddling, ask her:
- What’s it like being a girl?
- What’s the worst part of being female?
- What’s the best part of being female?
- If you could be a man for a day, what would you do?
- What’s your biggest insecurity or fear – something you haven’t told anyone else?
- What do you think is the best part of being a man? (Then tell her the actual best parts of being a man; our strength, the fact people respect us, the fact we’re not emotional all the time, our self-reliance, etc).
- What do you think is the worst part of being a man? (Then tell her the actual worst parts; we’re inherently less valuable than women (more disposable), nobody gives us anything for free (we have to earn it ourselves), there’s an expectation to be tough and not let out your emotions, etc).
- Do any of your friends judge you for being sexual?
- Is it a lot of pressure having to be feminine all the time? (Then you can talk to her about the pressure of having to be masculine all the time).
- What parts of your body are you insecure about?
- What do you want out of life?
- What are your ultimate goals – what would really make you completely satisfied?
- What are your deepest, darkest, fears – the fears you’ve never told anybody?
- What does “being feminine” mean to you?
- What does “being masculine” mean to you?
- Do you like taking the lead and making most of the decisions, or do you prefer not to have to do it?
These discussions will give you a hell of a lot of insight into what it’s like being a girl – how they think, how they feel, the unique challenges they face, what they want out of life, how they view men and how they view the world.
The more I’ve gotten to know girls, and the more I’ve directly asked them all the questions I listed above, the more empathetic and understanding I’ve become. I understand their struggles. I understand it fucking sucks having so many options with guys, but feeling completely useless when it comes to making a decision and having to pick one. (Analysis paralysis is fucking crippling for a lot of women.)
I understand they often feel deeply insecure with their bodies. While we’re sitting there thinking, “Holy shit, this is the sexiest girl I’ve ever had in my bed” she’s thinking, “Shit, I bet he thinks I’m ugly. God I wish I didn’t have such a big nose. I hope he doesn’t think my tits are too small. I wish I was prettier like other girls he’s probably been with.”
I talk to them about this sort of stuff, and I actively bring it up on dates or when we’re cuddling after sex. I listen to their problems, I relate to them, I offer them advice if I have some to give. It’s clear I just get them – that’s inevitable when you’ve been with enough girls. The more girls you date, the more your empathy will grow.
I also make it clear I care about their feelings and I’ll never pressure them to do anything they don’t want to do. I make it clear I want them to have a good time when they see me; my catchphrase is, “It’s only fun if you’re also having fun.” You’ll find when you make it really clear to girls you care about them enjoying sex/hanging out with you, you’ll be leagues above a lot of guys. Especially on dating apps, where a lot of guys are selfish & lazy in the bedroom.
My other mates who retain girls very easily are as empathetic as I am – maybe more so. Understanding women goes a hell of a long way to making them want to keep seeing you.
I think a big reason girls want to stick around with us is because at the heart of it, they can tell we really like women. If you feel frustrated by women and sometimes can’t help but see them as the enemy, that’ll improve over time as you spend more time with them and ask them some of the questions I listed above.
You’ll eventually – accidentally – meet some really sweet and kind-hearted girls who’ll make you think, “If this girl is such a sweetheart, maybe there’ll be other girls out there who are sweethearts too.” You’ll start trying to find those women, and because you’re now actively looking for women who are good people, you’ll get them.
If you’re not at a point of empathy and understanding yet, ask them all the questions listed above, and also ask them all the questions here. Dig deep, uncover as much info as you can, teach yourself as much about women as possible. Understanding is the key to empathy.
Eventually, you might even get to know them better than they know themselves. At that point, you’ll be able to help teach them about themselves, other people, the world around them, etc. They’ll want to keep seeing you just because you’re not completely fucking clueless like most guys they’ve met (especially if they’re younger girls, who haven’t had a chance to meet many older wiser guys).
4.6 – Mentor Girls
The more you can empathise with girls, the more you’ll naturally find yourself wanting to teach them things and help them grow as people. The same also applies as you keep improving yourself; the more you grow, the more you’ll want to share what you’ve learned and help others to grow too. That is the entire reason I set up this website – I’d learned a hell of a lot, grown a hell of a lot, and I needed to share it with the world so you can do what I’ve done.
Mentoring other people is important to me – particularly girls I see for a while. I’m in my 30’s, so I have plenty of wisdom to share with 18-21 year old girls who feel a bit lost (let’s be honest; everyone feels a bit lost at that age). I want girls to be better people. (Actually, I want everyone in my life to become a better person.) I push girls, I encourage them, I help them talk through their fears and doubts and I teach them how to go for their goals. A few have told me I’m a mentor/father figure to them; particularly my girlfriend.
My other mates who get laid a lot are quite giving with their advice/support too; mentoring a lot of the girls they date. It’s definitely a big part of why we retain girls so often.
Don’t feel like you have to do a tonne of mentoring or be a fucking life coach in order to retain girls – just a little empathy and the occasional bit of helpful advice goes a long way.
If you’re a younger guy (eg you’re 20), let’s be honesty – you’re probably not going to be much of a mentor/father figure to girls, in the way a 30yo or 40yo guy could be. But in that case, just try to empathise with girls – do everything I listed in the “Understanding Girls” section above. After you bang, just spend 15 minutes cuddling and asking them questions about their lives. Ask them one or two of the questions I listed above. If you have any helpful nuggets of wisdom or advice you think you can give them, go for it. That’s all mentoring really is – just showing you give a shit.
It doesn’t take much – just a couple minutes of chatting & hanging out after each time you bang.
4.7 – Don’t Manipulate or Trick Girls
On the flip side of “be honest” is “don’t lie” – along with “don’t manipulate or emotionally blackmail anyone”.
If you want something, tell girls you want it. Be honest and upfront and direct – girls (and people in general) respect a man who just says what he wants, in no uncertain terms, without any sort of hidden agenda. When girls know you’re not one to bullshit, they’ll relax and trust that you’ll always tell them what’s on your mind. And when a girl can relax around you, she’ll be far more likely to keep seeing you for a long period of time.
There’s a reason my message templates in Part 3 are so direct and to-the-point; being direct works, and leads to a much higher retention rate. If you manipulate and trick girls, you’re just going to end up with girls who manipulate you back – because that’s the framework YOU have set from the beginning.
This also extends to the way you think about having sex with girls. Some guys (and a few girls) have this weird notion that sex is something you “take” from girls – like you having sex with her means you “won”. Like she lost something in the process. That’s a fucking messed-up way of viewing sex; it’s extremely combative.
You and your girl aren’t enemies. You’re not robbing her pussy. Sex is just you and her coming together and sharing something, and both giving each other something. You’re exploring together, sharing in a mutually-beneficial experience, and you’re building good memories together.
You’re adding to each other’s lives; nobody is losing. You’re both winning.
Chapter 5 – Improving Retention
5.1 – How to Improve Your Own Retention
Most of what I’ve listed in this guide is stuff I personally do, and stuff my mates and coaching clients have done to improve retention. But if you’re just starting out, you probably won’t have everything handled that we do.
You shouldn’t aim to be a complete copy-paste of me or my mates, because none of us are perfect (you can actually do a lot better than us). But there’s benefit in at least trying out a lot of the variables that have worked for us, and seeing if they work for you. This is all just a big experiment; you need to try your own things and see what works best for you. Carve your own path.
I also don’t want you to feel overwhelmed by how much there is here. Improvement is a gradual process – you won’t suddenly shoot up to 99% retention tomorrow. You’ll get there over a period of months (maybe even a year or two), and you’ll eventually be able to keep the vast majority of girls coming back to hangout again. There’s no rush; you have your entire life to work on self-improvement.
You’ll likely find once you get good at retention and most girls want to keep seeing you, you’ll have your own “retention secrets” that are different from what works for me. Everything I do that makes me retain girls isn’t the only way to do things, and it’s certainly not the perfect or “correct” way to go about it. If you have your own ideas for what improves retention, drop a comment below and tell us.
Certain things on this list will help more than others. It’s infinitely harder to retain girls if you’re obese, or if you live with your parents, or you’re a controlling, insecure asshole (no hate if you are – I was. Fix it though.) Those big things are the things you should work on ASAP, and after that, handle the smaller things.
Be patient. You’ll eventually get to a point where you can retain the vast majority of girls you sleep with, I promise.
5.2 – Compatibility; Find Girls Who Want the Same Things you Want
Everything on this list is what’s worked for me and my friends. We have specific types of girls we like – and obviously if we find girls who are a good fit for us, those girls are more likely to stick around.
I like submissive, younger girls I can mentor – which means I’ll naturally filter in younger, submissive girls who are looking for a dominant guy who can mentor them. We’re a perfect fit for each other, so of course they’re going to stick with me for a while.
You might like something completely different – you may prefer experienced girls who are independent and not too clingy; girls who have their shit together. So if you go out searching for independent, sexually-experienced girls, those girls will be looking for someone like you – someone who wants them in particular. You two will be a perfect fit for each other, so of course they’re going to stick with you for longer.
The same applies to relationship types – if you’re looking for ultra casual, non-monogamous relationships, if you seek out girls who are looking for the same thing, they’ll be more likely to stick around with you. If you’re looking for committed monogamous relationships, then if you seek out girls who also want monogamy, they’ll be more likely to keep seeing you for a long time.
Whatever type of girl you want, whatever type of relationship you want, seek that out and you’ll find those girls are much easier to retain. Compatibility is a huge factor in retention.
5.3 – Would You See You Again? (Are you Worthy of Respect?)
I want you to ask yourself this question:
Do I like myself? Like, really like myself?
If the answer to that is “not really”, I’ll ask you a second question:
Would you be excited to keep seeing a girl who didn’t like herself – would you want to keep her in your life for a long time?
The answer to that is obviously “No”; you can see where I’m going with this. If you don’t like yourself, do you think girls are going to be super excited to keep seeing you for a long period of time?
I’m not saying this to make you feel bad about yourself. Hell, I’m saying this to make you feel better about yourself. If you’ve been struggling to retain girls, and you don’t really like yourself, then this is good news. It means as you improve yourself, as you start to find some wins and look a little better and up your confidence; as you start finding reasons to actually like yourself, your retention will naturally go up.
If it’s still the early days of your self-improvement journey and you’ve only just gotten started, it’s totally normal to not really like or respect yourself. Respect requires you to have done something worthy of respect; ie achieving big goals (losing a bunch of fat, smashing PRs at the gym consistently for a year, getting laid a few times from Tinder/talking to girls during the day, etc). If you haven’t achieved anything noteworthy yet, then of course you wouldn’t respect yourself yet.
I can’t even just tell you to “love yourself” like the mainstream motivational speakers and all those inspirational Instagram accounts spout. Because if you don’t like yourself all that much, you’ll just say to me, “What is there to love about myself?” You can’t delude yourself into just “loving yourself as you are” and “love you for you” if you haven’t achieved anything worth loving. Would you respect another guy who hadn’t achieved anything truly great? Of course not; so I can’t just tell you to respect yourself if you haven’t done anything truly noteworthy either.
The only way to respect yourself is to do things worthy of your own respect. So, what things would you need to change in order for you to like yourself and be worthy of respect? Write those things down on a big piece of paper, and make it your number #1 mission to change those things.
As you work on those goals you just wrote down, as you start making waves with your self-improvement & your confidence goes up, you’ll just naturally find girls start wanting to spend more time with you. There won’t necessarily be any rhyme or reason to it, you might not be able to put your finger on exactly why girls seem to stick around longer as you improve. It’s a product of all the facets of your personality, your achievements, your looks, how much you like yourself, how much positive vibes you put out into the world, etc.
And all of a sudden, you’ll find girls will start wanting to see you for longer and longer, because they’ll think, “Oh this guy is really happy, he likes himself, he’s really nice to himself. Maybe I’ll stick around, because if he likes himself so much, there must be something valuable there.”
Everyone likes positive people, and if you’re exuding positive energy, people want to be around that. Nobody likes being around somebody negative. And I’m not necessarily saying you’re negative – but if you’ve only just started working on yourself, your self-esteem likely won’t be very high (ie, negative). You likely won’t have a lot of positivity to put out into the world, because you’ll be super focused & busy working on your self-improvement efforts. That’ll take up most of your time and energy, and you’ll simply be too distracted/busy to really be a super positive guy with a lot of love to give.
Once you get to a point where you’re happier, you will have more love to put out into the world – and girls will naturally like you a hell of a lot more. There’s not necessarily anything you need to change to make it happen (though focusing on being more positive is always a good thing – see the book You Can’t Afford the Luxury of a Negative Thought). But over time you’ll just naturally become a more positive person as you give yourself reasons to like yourself by achieving your goals.
You just need to keep chugging along. If you’re struggling to keep girls coming back for more, then you’re in what Arnold Schwarzenegger calls “The Pain Period”. It’s the time when you’re working on your goals/self-improvement, and you’re not yet seeing any results. You have very little success, even though you’re putting in a tonne of effort – it’s frustrating. But all you can do is just keep going, keep pushing, never give up and never quit. You just have to trust that eventually as you get more experience and become a more confident, happy person – girls will want to stick around more.
That time will be magical – there’s something truly beautiful about having a lot of girls tell you they really like you, and really want to keep seeing you, and giving you lots of unprompted compliments. It feels really fucking nice, and I absolutely promise you that’s waiting for you if you just keep going. The day will come when the sun shines on you; you just have to keep pushing through these cloudy days, keep wading through this shitty part.
5.4 – Girls who Don’t See You Again
Sometimes girls don’t want to see you again; just like upfront rejection, it’s not really something you can completely avoid. Sometimes they’ll tell you, “I don’t want to keep going with this.” Accept that and move on.
Other times they’ll be annoying and make those weird “I’m busy this week, I’ll let you know when I’m free” excuses for a few weeks, never actually committing to meeting up with you. In these cases, send her a message – “Hey, I appreciate honesty and being upfront. Doesn’t seem like you actually want to meet up again. No hard feelings if that’s the case, but I’d rather you let me know.” 99% of the time they’ll tell you they don’t want to see you again – accept it politely and move on.
As to why girls won’t keep seeing you, sometimes there’s a good reason for it. If you’re at the beginning of your self-improvement journey and still have a tonne to work on, you’re going to have less girls sticking around. Just tell yourself, “It’s ok, some girls just won’t keep seeing me while I still have a lot of self-improvement to do” and focus on hitting on more girls.
Other times it’s completely arbitrary and out of your control – she’ll have some reason why she doesn’t want to keep seeing you, and it’s usually not something you can change. Maybe she misses her ex, or she’s not ready to be in a relationship (even a casual fuckbuddy one), or she’s depressed, or she’s a loner and can’t handle sex/intimacy.
If you want some feedback/closure from her, do what I said in If Girls Ghost You. Send her a polite text asking her for some feedback as to why she doesn’t want to go any further. Get your feedback, accept it with good grace, and then move on.
Sometimes the feedback is really useful. You shouldn’t take any one girl’s opinion of you as the gospel, but if a bunch of girls are telling you the same thing, there could be something worth listening to there. Sometimes they’ll tell you something similar to the points I’ve written above – maybe you’re too negative, or too much of a dick, or it’s because you live at home, or they all tell you they expected more foreplay or for you to take the lead more. If the feedback matches any of the points I’ve made in this article, then follow it.
Some guys get a bunch of girls telling them something along the lines of, “You’re too much of a player/fuckboy.” That doesn’t mean you’re having too much sex; it means she thinks you’re a player with nothing else to offer. Guys who are players but have no personality, aren’t honest, aren’t interesting, and don’t put any effort into sex get this kind of negative feedback (I know a few in real life). So if you’re hearing this feedback a lot, start working on some of the other aspects I’ve listed in this article.
I myself am clearly a “player” – I dress like one, I tell girls I want sex, my Tinder profile has freaking BDSM photos on it, and I tell girls I’m seeing multiple girls. But I never ever hear, “You’re too much of a player/fuckboy” because they can see I’m also a cool guy to hang out with, I’m very open and honest, I explore & keep it fresh in the bedroom, I care about them, I’m nice and polite and I share a lot about myself. Sticking my dick in their pussy isn’t my only personality trait; I’m not one-dimensional.
So, girls will sometimes stop seeing you. It happens to all of us. Even now, with me having most of the factors above handled, I still have girls who don’t see me more than once or twice. It’s just how things go sometimes. Try not to take it to heart. Yeah, it sucks when you really like the girl, the sex is mindblowing, but she doesn’t want to repeat it. All you can do is remind yourself, You Can’t Force Someone to Like You.
I’ll say it for the billionth time in this series: don’t stress about being perfect. It’s ok if you don’t yet have everything on this list handled. Over time, with experience, you’ll become a cooler, more confident, sexier and more fun guy that girls will want to hang around with. Good things take time.
In the meantime, be ok with the fact that maybe some girls won’t stick around. There’s plenty of things you can start doing right now to help with retention, so focus more on the things you can change, rather than worrying about the girls who leave.
After all, there’s plenty more fish in the sea:
Chapter 6 – Key Takeaways
1. Retaining Girls:
- Retention is something you can improve; don’t get down if a lot of girls don’t see you more than once or twice.
- Build something together. It can be sexual experiences, friendship, open & non-judgemental communication, affection/intimacy/ mentorship, or a relationship.
2. Having Your Shit Together:
- Looks really matter – keep improving yourself.
- Have your own life going on. Goals, hobbies, fun activities. Share those things with girls.
- Be physically strong, and masculine.
- Be a decent person – don’t be a dick.
- Have your own apartment. Roomates are fine, but living on your own is even better. Keep it clean.
- Be financially-stable.
- Take the lead and make the moves.
- Have a sense of humour; don’t take life too seriously.
- Be positive; don’t be too negative.
- Confidence helps. If you’re not confident now, embrace it and be ok with the fact you’re a work-in-progress.
- Work on feeling like you deserve to have girls stick around.
- Don’t be too needy too early on.
- Don’t be controlling. Work on minimising your jealousy.
- Avoid drama.
- Retention getse easier as you age; be patient with your self-improvement.
- Give compliments and make girls feel really good about seeing you.
- Practice foreplay and experiment in the bedroom.
- After sex, cuddle and talk for at least 20 mins. Walk her to the train station/car. Text her afterwards to say you had fun.
- Try some BDSM and dominant play – even newbies can learn it. Start slow.
- Be non-judgemental about sex.
- Give girls new experiences; both in and out of the bedroom.
- Do some nude photoshoots with girls if you’re into it.
- Don’t wait to have sex. Aim to have sex ASAP.
- Less-experienced girls are usually easier to retain, but date/bang whomever you like.
- Tell her you want to keep seeing her.
- Be on the same team – “You and Me”. Share things with her.
- Be honest; as much as you can.
- Be upfront if you’re seeing other girls.
- Seek to understand and empathise with girls.
- Mentor girls; or at least aim to empathise & offer some advice from time to time.
- Don’t manipulate. Stick to saying what you mean and asking for what you want.
5. Improving Retention:
- Getting to high levels of retention takes time. Be patient.
- Find girls who are compatible with you (girls who want the same things you want.)
- Do you like & respect yourself? If not, keep working on yourself; you will eventually.
- If girls stop seeing you, you can ask for feedback and see if it matches what I’ve told you to do. But don’t beat yourself up – just move on & hit on more girls.
Done. Holy shit guys, we’re fucking done.
I cannot believe this series is actually DONE. It’s 130,000 words in total across all 5 parts. (An average novel is supposedly 50,000-70,000 words).
I’ve also published a Frequently Asked Questions page (so feel free to ask me any questions in the comments and I’ll answer).
And here’s a short condensed version of this serires you can use as a handy reference guide.
Please do me a favour and share this series anywhere and everywhere you can. (Please share Part 1 with people). I’m pretty confident I’ve written a bloody good series; now I’d like to get it out there so we can help as many dudes as possible. I don’t want anyone feeling like they have no clue how to get laid; I’ve literally laid out every god damn step in excruciating detail.
Stay tuned; we’re only just getting started. You’re all a bunch of fucking legends.
Hey Andy! 🙂
I keep coming back to this article time and time again (almost 2 years after you published it) because it’s so well-written and informative and because each time I revisit it, I discover a new nuance which I hadn’t quite grasped yet before and I learn something new. You’ve really outdone yourself with this (master)piece, and I thank you wholeheartedly for having poured your heart, energy and time into crafting it! 🙂
Would you be willing to do a podcast (or article) on dealing with jealousy and feelings of inadequacy? I’ve searched your whole website and I’ve only seen you talk about it somewhat in this article (#2.14) and here (https://killyourinnerloser.com/is-it-a-double-standard/), and I’d be extremely grateful to hear you expand on your thoughts on the topic and specifically HOW you managed to improve this issue, and how your mindset changed as you let go of your insecurities.
I am thankful for any input you provide – no matter how long or short it may be. (I’ve put some questions at the bottom, if you have the time to answer them.)
My personal connection to the topic:
My girlfriend (been together for 3 months) is now moving to another city (2h away from me) for her studies and we have mutually decided to do an open long-distance relationship, i.e. we’re both allowed to have sex with other people, but we’re still each other’s “main person” / BF and GF (because we’ll keep seeing each other in person regularly). I knew that she’d be moving away since I started dating her and we agreed on the open relationship early on. I thought it was a great idea, but as our relationship progressed, I developed an incredibly strong and deep emotional connection to her (like I’ve never had with any other partner) and I became more and more uncomfortable with the thought of her having sex with another guy.
I’ve been examining these feelings of jealousy a lot within myself, and I’ve noticed how they basically all boil down to my 1) feelings of inadequacy/unworthiness, and 2) a fear of abandonment: I’m afraid she will meet another guy there who she will find better than me and then forget about me and eventually break up with me. In my imagination, this guy has (unsurprisingly) all the things/traits that I’m insecure about in my life – better muscularity/masculinity, better sexual ability, better lifestyle (has his “shit figured out”), etc.
The thoughts/insecurities that come up are telling me “If she sleeps with another guy, then that means that something in our relationship is getting lost or being destroyed”. She is incredibly special to me and I care about her and love her a lot, so the thought of some other random dude “having” her is super hurtful because it feels like that random dude is having the same thing as I am (the person she loves, her BF), and therefore I feel like I am not that special to her.
For me, the thought of not being the most important person to her (not including her family and friends, but just dating/love-wise) is hurtful. And the thought of some other random dude taking that spot away from me is very painful.
It’s so weird: I can tell you for a fact that I have had sex with women were it was just purely for fun and that I didn’t develop any (deep) feelings for them. But if I think about her having sex with another guy, it’s like my mind cannot accept the fact that it’s possible that she could have sex with another guy just because it’s fun, while she still loves me just as much (and that our relationship isn’t being diminished in any way because of that). It’s like if she had sex with another guy, then this “magical bond” would somehow be broken.
For what it’s worth, the thought of having a threesome with her (with another girl), I am completely comfortable with (we almost had one, but the other girl got cold feet), as I see that like a thing that we’d be doing as a couple – a shared experience which is fun and new and could even strengthen our bond. On the other hand, I could not do a threesome with another guy and her (for the same reasons I’m uncomfortable with her having sex with another guy by herself). However, I could do a threesome with another male friend if we were fucking a casual girl I had no deep feelings for.
If she was just a FWB of mine, I wouldn’t even be thinking about any of this stuff (just like you said is the case for yourself too in the article). But since she is my GF and I love her to bits and am really invested in her emotionally, I do care.
I’m guessing these feelings are also compounded by the fact that she’s now living further away from me and that I can’t “see” her. I never had these feelings come up during my relationship with her while we were both living in the same city. Not even once. Because she made me feel completely loved and accepted and she never judged me for anything – basically, it is a very nurturing relationship, and I’ve always felt just as much loved by her as I love her.
I have been sharing myself completely with her (we have amazing honest, open communication) and told her all of this in explicit detail, and she has been very understanding and empathetic, but it didn’t resolve these insecurities for me.
Also, the fact that she does not have these feelings of jealousy (I asked her) makes me feel a bit like a loser, as in “Wow, she is 3 years younger than me [20y; I’m 23y] but she is already more mature in this than I am.” Which is stupid because it’s just a reaction of my hurt ego who thinks that it needs to always be in the “superior” role and feels slighted when it gets humbled like this. It also makes me think “Wow, she’ll think I’m so needy for being so insecure and get tired of my shit and find herself a better, more confident guy.” (again, feelings of unworthiness + fear of abandonment).
She seems to have a much healthier mindset and seems super chill about it. When I asked her what she finds interesting about open relationships, she said it’s that, for example, you can flirt with someone because it’s fun without having to feel bad for it. And that we talk to each other when we have met someone new, as in “Look, I’ve met so and so, and she’s/he’s like this and that bla bla” and then you share and tell each other about it openly, like it’s a new thing that you have experienced. There’s this dynamic of togetherness that I sensed in her when she said that, as in we’re still the same couple that love each other and now we’re just sharing something new – and obviously we are sharing it openly (no reason to hide it) because there’s no fear that that would destroy our relationship somehow, because why would it, we still love each other.
Meanwhile, I am projecting my insecurities super hard, and I am subconsciously assuming that she wants to sleep with another guy so bad – that she’s basically just waiting to pounce on the opportunity. Again, because I’m assuming that I’m not good enough and that she therefore wants to fuck another guy. And in my insecurities, that’s also happening secretively – basically, I’m being excluded, not knowing what’s happening, being “cucked”/humiliated, and then suddenly I’m not part of the relationship anymore and I’m hurt.
So this is how far I’ve come with my self-reflection: I can clearly recognize and define my insecurities. But I don’t know how to get rid of them.
I don’t know how to tell if I’m feeling this jealousy because my judgment is clouded by these feelings of inadequacy / fear of abandonment within me, or whether I’m genuinely/honestly uncomfortable with that (at the core of who I am). In other words, I don’t know if it’s normal to be feeling this way, or whether it’s an unhealthy symptom of my insecurities that I should work on? Maybe it’s just human to feel this way, especially if you have a very deep connection to your partner.
How can I work on ridding myself of these insecurities?
-) I would love if you could go into more detail on HOW you did all the “conscious hard inner work, soul-searching, LSD trips to help open your mind”, in order to learn to let go of your deepest insecurities.
-) Would “exposure therapy” work? As in, she has sex with another guy and we keep seeing each other after that, and if I see that she still loves me just as much, my brain will start to “reprogram” those insecurities?
How can I balance being 100% honest with my GF (as I always am) and telling her everything, while not overwhelming her with my insecurities and potentially pushing her away because I’m too needy?
Here you go:
I’ve been about your site a bit and it’s great to see a man who used to be into the ‘Alpha’ mindset that realized empathy goes further and gets more results in any area of life. I am a woman, 31, I have no way to prove that of course, but I wanted to say all of this, how great it is to find that basic sense still exists in the ‘How to date women’ corners of the internet.
If I come across a website such as yours, it puts me on the ready – I have to brace myself for the misogyny that is more than likely right around the corner. Getting into those corners of the internet can be a fascinating exploration of psychology (and I am taking psychology classes), but it’s also a scary and awful migraine of what exists out there such as manipulation and abuse.
The one thing I would disagree with is the ‘2.8 – Take the Lead/Make the Moves (But Still Get Her Input)’ section. It’s maybe the 99% of women, girls, or young women that you as one person have met that like a man to take the lead most of the time or that expect him to take the lead. But you’re one person, that’s anecdotal evidence. It’s not a well-researched area. Anecdotal evidence is only one person’s experience or a very small sample.
Even if there are studies on it, they would need to be replicable as in, if the study or experiment cannot be reproduced by different researchers, then the study is unreliable. The scientific method helps with this – repeatedly coming at theories from different angles – cultural, religious, home life, childhood, mental health needs, the people in their life, their relationship with their parents, and more. Getting the same results each time over a wide area of questions from different angles with multiple researchers makes for something much more reliable than someone insisting that their personal experience is “more right” than someone else’s or is “the most right” or “an expert opinion”.
You end up putting a section in here about empathy and understanding, which is just, oh my god. That is fabulous. Reading that felt like drinking cool water, thank you. I don’t support the action of thanking people for doing basic things they should already be doing such as exercising empathy (as a muscle), but I do support giving credit where credit is due, so thank you for emphasizing it as something to prioritize. Empathy is probably the biggest thing that attracts me to anyone anywhere on the gender spectrum (I def wouldn’t call myself a ‘straight’ woman!:D)
That’s part of what made me feel comfortable enough to come down into the comment section here. Your questions of “ask her how it feels to be pressured to be feminine (and you can talk about the pressures of being masculine)” got me head going about how much I hate that pressure! Fuck it! Which is also why I brought up my disagreement with the “the man takes the lead” bit. My natural look is as feminine as they come, but I will take the lead if I see fit. The guy can also take the lead, but the main thing is for him to make sure I am okay with his decisions before he does it, and for me to do the same for him. We’d be pulling dick moves on each other if we didn’t get the ok from each other first of course.
It’s not a dichotomy of the man must be the flagpole. I can take that on sometimes too, especially if I’m going to assert and if I can openly discuss with him that yes, my option would be safer/better/smarter/more sensible/less expensive. As you said, it’s definitely not about being controlling. It’s about respect going both ways – mutual respect. “What is a real man” Courageous, brave, leadership-record scratch Wait, it can literally be seen in the world that yes, women can be brave, courageous leaders that take charge and we are not few and far between. So then… What is a real man? What is a real woman? Just people!
the ‘nice’ guy: It’s funny how different people can define words because as long as the guy is truly an actual nice guy, and he’s found a woman that is not going to trample all over him when he has no-next to no ‘masculinity’, then there’s no harm in them being together. He’s not any less of a man the same way that the woman who is the one taking the lead and making the final decisions is not any less of a woman. I end up being more assertive than some of the men I meet, and that’s okay. Mutual respect and empathy/sympathy is just, like, that’s it, that’s the most important.
The last thing I feel the need to say is that I do struggle with analysis paralysis and I will absolutely insist that the other person makes the final decision, but that’s regardless of gender. i just want anyone that i trust to make the final decision in those particular moments. The fact that I take the lead is not due to my bisexuality (though a lot of idiots have claimed it is, which I’ve argued them on), and the fact i sometimes do not take the lead is not due to me being a woman (which I’ve also argued). I mean, you know? Which one is it? Am I a “masculine d*ke” or am I a “soft doll”? The fact is I’m a person first, woman second, and I am not a binary! I am complicated – everybody is a complicated mix of things, sometimes more of one thing than another. The reason I struggle with overthinking?
(i had to hit enter because that paragraph was getting too big) is because I have severe mental health needs. I mean truly severe as in, I struggle with extreme overthinking to the point of staying in the mental health ward on multiple occasions or for long periods of time, and needing counselling which everybody should try but me specifically needing therapy, are all realities for me. (medication has been a reality as well, it might be again, which is a personal choice and freedom) I am neurodivergent i.e. my brain is wired different. It has been since I can remember. Those are not scary realities once I accept myself. The fact that yes, i do have people in my life that I can lean on makes everything much less of a scary thing than it would otherwise be. I have a great family, which includes my friends.
But the other reality that has nothing to do with me being a woman is actually sometimes requiring a bit of supervision – lest I get lost in an area of my city or somewhere unfamiliar. Or I get manipulated or gaslit by a scammer or abuser or even just going into a store and haggled into paying a higher price because too many things are going on around me for me to focus. Or having such difficulty in communicating with other people (as you can see here with the sheer amount of text/things to say). It’s my neurological differences – I literally process things differently than a lot of other people.
What has nothing to do with me being bisexual is being confrontational. I would be saying all of this to you (or trying to get to the main point) if we were speaking face-to-face. I’m an aggressive person. I’m so upfront that I risk being the pariah because other people don’t want to talk about the uncomfortable elephant in the room, and that’s not because I sleep with women. and men. and the grey area. Meanwhile, my mental health needs risk me being VERY vulnerable – after changing my card PIN number, I started reading it out loud to myself in a store yesterday before my girlfriend stopped me! That’s impulse control and not being entirely aware of where I am at that second – not because I’m female and I need more guidance or should be guided as the ‘flag’.
Ok! Lot to say, but like I said, it’s been good going around on your site. Honesty, communication, empathy, understanding, all of it. Thank you for emphasizing these things into the dating sphere. I’ve always thought about how good it would be to have, well, I don;t want to use the word “artist” for pickup ‘artist’.. someone who mentors men on how to talk to women, but without treating us as a 5,000 piece puzzle (many women could use help talking to men, definitely). This type of thing, what you’re doing should be far more common. ‘Communication 101 classes’. It needs to be more common rather than the misogyny crap that made me worried about looking around on your site in the first place. I hope you and your girlfriend have a great week!
Hey thanks for taking the time to comment. Hope you had a great Christmas/New Years.
Taking the lead – I clarify more here:
Stuff about “nice guys” – yeah, everyone likes people who are actually NICE – it’s only a problem when you become so much of a damn people pleaser that you become a doormat. And being a people pleaser isn’t actually “nice” – it’s coming from a place of fear (fear of people not liking you, fear of not being a “good person”, fear of confrontation, etc). My girlfriend Imogen and I like to use the phrase “decent guy” or “good guy” or “nice person” or “decent person” – because “nice guy” has too much of a stigma associated with it.
You’re not alone on overthinking. A lot of people struggle with overthinking; it comes up a lot with my coaching clients, not to mention my girlfriend and I are overthinkers. It’s pretty common in self-improvement/analytical circles, so it’s not just you. Have you read the book Letting Go by David Hawkins? Highly recommended.
“This type of thing, what you’re doing should be far more common. ‘Communication 101 classes’.”
Yeah, I wish this was the stuff they taught in school. Empathy, leaving the world better than you found it, how to treat women like you’re on the same team (it’s “you and me on the same team”, not “you vs me”) etc etc.
Thanks for stopping by.
Hey ,Andy.You are the best.
Your guides really help me with girls on tinder but i keep struggling with retention girl especially because that i live with my parents.I know that i need to move ASAP from my parents house but i cant, because i am in college and i work to help to pay bills my parents home and the rest of the money (that is not big amount) helps me to pay for some partys and pay for my dates.
Do you any tips to help me retention a girl while living with my parents and for her not begging embarrassed to go there.
PS:i dont have any homemates share a place with and i live in a 3 world country and things here are not cheap.
PS1:my parents always are on their bedroom, so they will not bother me and the girl
PS2:Sorry for any grammatical error ,English is not my main language.
Hey mate – I’ll probably do a podcast episode to answer your question, in the next few weeks. Will reply here when it’s done.
EDIT: Here: https://www.buzzsprout.com/1279346/5479354
ty andy, you are the best
Hey mate – podcast is here:
I definitely recommend signing up for my forums and asking for other people’s SOLUTIONS too:
This is a nice article! The same kind of stuff I’ve learned myself, over the years. However, I’ve been accused of stringing girls along. Especially one of my female friends(who kind of disapproves of anything non-monogamous) complained that even though I am honest towards this girl about my intentions(“no monogamous relationship”), my actions do not line up with my words. For example, she’d often just stay for a day to have sex and watch TV, then we’d have dinner together and all that stuff.
I think this girl really wanted to be in a relationship with me, but I think she stayed because she felt that me seeing other girls was a lesser pain for her than losing me(and accepting being a FWB). In other words, forcing a girl into polygamy while she wants to be monogamous?
PS. Just as a random additional tip, which girls loved: I put two water bottles near my bed. One for me, one for her, which I give her after to rehydrate from the sweaty session.
“In other words, forcing a girl into polygamy while she wants to be monogamous?”
Yeah I did a lot of this early on. It’s easier for me now because I have basically infinite options – so I’m in a position where I can be kind and cut things off for girls who aren’t strong enough to stop seeing me themselves. In other words, I care more about other people’s feelings than getting my dick wet.
I acknowledge I’m in a priveleged position though; and it’s only over the last ~2 years I’ve gotten to this point. I’m also aware it’ll be harder for you to do that (in your other post you hinted you don’t have as many girls as you’d like). Just try and be as honest and compassionate as you can be, and trust that as you get better with women (and have more options), you’ll eventually be in a better position where you can choose to cut things off with girls who want monogamy but are just “putting up with” your polygamy.
Hah, good stuf with the water bottles. Here’s a tip for you too: Get some glasses and fill them with a bit of water (just fill them about one-tenth of the way). Put them in the freezer, have a couple in there at all times, ready to go. Then when you offer water to a girl (or any guest), just grab the glass from the freezer, top it up with water, and it’ll be much colder because the glass was in the freezer.
Mate, you’re a god damn legend. This guide is insane! This part was probably my favorite because retention is probably one of the least talked about aspects in these circles of the internet (my impression, at least). Your perspective on things is truly unique because you’ve carved yourself this niche out where you combine a great deal of sexual/romantic experience with being honest and emotionally healthy about it – while not being “blue pill” (hate that term, but it conveys what I’m trying to say). Very few people have all those boxes ticked.
My favorite sections were probably “Being upfront about seeing other girls” and “Understanding girls (empathy)” – they’re a logical continuation of the whole full honesty and “We’re on the same team” concepts.
I would love to see you elaborate your thoughts on relationship management – especially when in a non-monogamous relationship like you are. I think, given your experience, writing about this would be very valuable – especially since it’s something that GLL lacked on his site. I can only think of Blackdragon who writes about this topic, but I’d put more stock in what you have to say, since you’re much more open and transparent and thus seem more credible.
Thanks again for putting your time and effort into creating this guide; I (and everyone else) appreciate it a lot.
P.S. What are your plans for the direction in which you’re taking the content of this website? Any particular areas you want to focus on? And have you decided on which guide is coming next (BDSM vs. 3some)?
Thanks a tonne man.
Yeah, I’ll flesh out a tonne about non-monogamy, dealing with jealousy, etc. If there’s a particular question you have, lemme know – and I’ll write an article on it.
I’m really exhausted from writing this Tinder series – it really, really took it out of me. So I’m going to take a month or two to just write some fun, shorter articles that I’ve already half-written (I have 103 half-written draft articles…) I’ll tackle the 3some guide after that – it’s already 25% done. It’ll be fucking loooooooong – 5 parts, just like this Tinder series.
After that, another break for a month or two, then the BDSM series.
After that, podcasts – I’ll be doing a few podcasts with a few of my mates who get laid a lot. I’ll also have my girlfriend on a lot of them too.