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So I’ve done a ton of content on how introverted or shy guys can meet people, date women, get a girlfriend, have a ton of sex, and even approach 100 women – all that good stuff.
But shyness/introversion is one of those deep insecurities that no matter how many times I promise you you can meet people, I still get people asking “Yeah but… what about me specifically? I’m a VERY introverted guy. Is there hope for even me?”
The answer is yes.
Ok, article done! That was easy.
“But Andy! That doesn’t satisfy me!” Ok, fine – we’ll dig a little deeper.
And look, I get it – as someone who suffered from agoraphobia (inability to leave the house) for years, as well as being extremely afraid of talking to people, opening up, being vulnerable, etc – I’ve felt everything you’re feeling.
“I’m not good enough.”
“People will think I’m weird. No scrap that – they’ll know I’m weird, because I am weird. I’m a little weirdo freak.”
“No woman would ever like me. Who the hell would like someone who can barely talk and has nothing interesting to say?”
I really felt like a hard case, and chances are, you probably do too. And that’s ok. One of the first things I want to get across to you is this isn’t about “fixing your introversion” – there’s no problem here that we need to fix. There’s nothing “wrong” with being shy/introverted; it just means you haven’t levelled up the skill of “talking to people”. You’re not broken, you’re not bad, you’re not fucked up, you’re not a loser – you’re just a low-level character in the video game we call life.
Imagine one of the stats in the image above said “Ability to Talk to People”. All we’re doing here is just slowly levelling up that stat over time. How? By just talking to people – tiny little conversations here and there.
Start with the basics; say hi to one person a day. This is literally what I get my very shy/introverted coaching clients to do – just one person a day. Could be a stranger. Could be someone at the shopping mall. Could be the person who bags your groceries. Could be the mailman. Doesn’t matter; just say hi to someone, and that’s where we’ll start.
“But what do I say?” It doesn’t matter. Say “Hi”. Say “How’s your day going?” Say “I like your shirt”. Part of introversion/shyness is thinking that you need to be perfect with what you say, but you really don’t. Just give yourself permission to suck, and say anything – no matter how awkward or cringy you might feel, this isn’t about doing a good job. This is just about you starting to talk to people – we’ll worry about making you better at it later on.
Just start.
If it’s women you want to talk to, then the same principle applies – we’re gonna start hella gently. Start with my approach anxiety program – it’s a completely free program that literally any guy can complete, no matter your anxiety levels. If you’re a bit further along than that, then use this guide: How to Get a Girl in 6 Weeks (Even If You’re Inexperienced).
Again, don’t put pressure on yourself to be good; you probably won’t be. You don’t have to be. You can be clumsy, dorky, nervous, awkward, weird – all of that is ok, I promise. Hell, that’s how I was when I first started talking to women. The mission here is just to get you doing the thing, taking action; you can worry about how to “git gud” later.
And while you’re taking action and just starting to talk with people, let’s switch up some of those mindsets too. If you’re anything like I was, you probably have it stuck in your head that your shyness/introversion is a “bad” thing. Sure, you can tell that story if you want to – but we’re here to play to win. So let’s switch it up and come up with a few reasons why your introversion could be a good thing – in other words, it could be something that’s appealing to certain women.
Here’s a few: Being introverted means you’re thoughtful, reflective, and – once you open up – capable of making really deep connections with people. And you know what a hell of a lot of women love? Guys who are thoughtful, reflective, and capable of making deep connections.
Now, come up with a few more on your own – write down another 5 reasons why your introversion could be a good thing to the right woman. (That list is a great way of fleshing out your online dating bio, by the way – you can put a couple of your qualities in your bio).
And then your mission will be to go out there and start searching for the women who like the qualities of an introvert. Because let’s be very clear here; not every woman is going to like a shy, introverted guy (and that’s ok). But plenty of people will – here’s one who told me many times she prefers shy, introverted, nerdy guys. And she’s not the only woman on the entire freaking planet who feels that way. There’s plenty more.
Your mission is to go find those women.
Another concept to play around with: confidence doesn’t always manifest as loudness or assertiveness or “aggression”. Your quiet demeanour can often come across to other people as “Wow this guy is pretty quiet – he must be pretty confident” (and it’s ok if you’re not). But there’s peace in quietness; again, it doesn’t have to be a bad thing.
And at the end of the day, meeting women/making friends is about honest, authenticity, and accepting where you currently are. And if right now you’re introverted, shy and quiet – that’s ok. If you’d like to work on those qualities and learn to be a little more confident, a little louder, a little more conversational – you’re allowed to. But the very first step of self-improvement is accepting where you currently are, instead of judging yourself and labelling yourself as “bad” or “broken” or “a loser”.
To be very clear, you don’t need to adopt an “extroverted persona” or be “Mr Life of the Party” to have sex, build a relationship, make friends, or any of that. A lot of women are looking for an authentic dude who isn’t ashamed of who he is – including (and for some women, especially) if he’s quiet and reserved. If I can drill one thing into your head in this article, it’s your introversion doesn’t have to be a “bad” thing. You’ve just been calling it that… but what if you’re wrong?
Other things that can help – online dating has been a huge help for my shy/introverted coaching clients. Especially because it allows you the time and space to text on the app/over phone for a bit before meeting up, which helps you build up a bit of confidence, especially if you’re super nervous. You can also make your profile extremely honest, so you’ll attract the women who like shy/introverted guys. Put in your bio things like “I prefer a quiet night in”, “Looking for a woman who’s more the quiet type like me”, etc. Make it clear that you’re an introverted guy looking for similar women; screen for what you want, and for the type of women who’d want you back.
You can also join a club (eg a sports club), or go to Meetups, or a book club, art class, hiking group, dancing classes – anything like that. I find it so much easier to meet people and practice my social skills when we’re there for a specific purpose; it takes a lot of the pressure off to be “super social”. It’s also a really great place to meet women. One of my best friends has met almost every single woman he’s ever met, while doing Salsa dancing.
And once you get on a date (or even before, when you’re texting) – you can be honest with her. Text her beforehand that you’re a bit nervous. Or text her afterwards and be honest about the fact you were nervous. Hell, even I still get nervous from time to time (it’s fucking normal) – I’m honest and just tell the women either before, during, or afterwards. Eg here’s a text from literally just last week (with this girl I met) –
I promise being nervous/shy is normal. And when you admit it to someone, they’ll often open up back to you (same girl as above) –
Opening up about your shyness/nervousness means the other person can help you with it – nothing makes you feel better than finding out the other person is nervous too. Then you both get to work on it together, like you’re on the same team.
It’s also worth remembering, you can go at your own pace when it comes to sex/dating. A lot of shy guys (just like shy girls) get in their own head about “being good at texting”, “saying the right things”, “being good at sex”, “doing things smoothly”, “trying to appear cool/funny/interesting”, etc. That’s all a hell of a lot of pressure – so take some of it off. If you wanna go on a few dates with someone before you even think about having sex, you’re allowed to. If you wanna take it a bit slower, you’re allowed to. Just communicate that with her – literally say early on, “I like to take things a bit slower, if you’re cool with that?” (A lot of women will be, if you tell them).
So with all this stuff, again – it’s ok to be shy. It’s ok to be nervous. It’s ok to be introverted. None of that is bad, none of that is wrong, none of that means no woman will ever like you. Plenty will; they’re waiting for you to meet them.
Remember, it’s not about changing yourself to fit someone else’s mould; it’s about being the best version of yourself and finding someone who appreciates that.
If you want more help with this, I’m happy to coach you (this is my bread and butter – shy/introverted people are my favourite peeps to work with). I’ve worked with a ton of them, including many guys who were virgins when they first came to us. You can check out the coaching program here.
And now’s the perfect time for it, too:
