When I first got into self-improvement and decided I really wanted to get laid a lot, I surrounded myself by guys on the net and in real life who’d slept with a lot of women. I used them as my motivation, my driving force to repeat what they’d done and push myself even higher than they had.
As I progressed further into my journey and found some initial success, something strange happened. All the mentors I looked up to started talking about settling down with their girlfriends; a few of them even got married.
This absolutely blew my mind. These were guys who were miles ahead of me – they could go out seemingly any day or night of the week and get laid with girls much hotter than I’d ever been with. They could do the craziest sexual acts with a new girl every night if they wanted, they could have 3somes and 4somes and 5somes if they so desired… yet all of them had settled.
I shuddered at that word. Settled. It conjured up all sorts of horrible imagery of guys giving up, putting up with a nagging girlfriend who could never compete with the wonderous allure of meeting a new, fresh girl every week and bringing her home to your bed to do all sorts of wild, kinky things.
Why had all these guys settled down? Why had they all given up? Why had my heroes forsaken me?
I swore I’d never be like them. I made a promise to myself and anyone who would listen that I’d never stop chasing pussy; I’d spend the rest of my life giving everything to the cause of getting laid.
Ahh, the hubris of naive little Andy – the Andy who’d barely even started getting laid – to think he knew better than the more experienced, more worldly guys he looked up to. What I thought was them losing their minds and becoming complacent and lazy was really just a natural consequence of getting enough sex; enough notches in their belts. They weren’t being lazy, crazy or stupid; they were simply focusing their time and energy on new goals.
And the ones who were still getting laid relegated it to a “background goal”; something they put only a tiny bit of time and effort into each week, whilst focusing on their new main priorities.
Having “getting laid” as a low priority seems like such a foreign concept when you’re new to all this. It seems utterly unfathomable that you could ever get to a point where you can have sex without even trying; that sex comes so easily you actually stop caring about getting it. It’s like being a woman; sex is abundant and plentiful, something you can have whenever you feel like it. To newbies, this makes no sense. When getting laid is all you think about during every millisecond of your existence, you can’t envision a world in which you have time or energy to think about anything else.
Not to mention when you’re a newbie, all you care about is sticking your penis in a vagina – no matter how much effort it takes. The last thing on your mind is whether or not you’re making efficient use of your time. As long as that dicky goes inside her lovebox, you don’t care whether you wasted 100 hours making it happen.
That all changes once you’ve gotten your fill of fresh gash – once you’ve had enough sex, you’re less compelled by the idea of spending 8 hours a day talking to girls on Tinder/out on the street. You start thinking of ways to cut down on the hours spent chasing lays, coming up with copy-paste messages you can use on Tinder, only talking to girls on the street as you go about your normal day (instead of going out for “daygame sessions”), and screening much harder for sex with girls so you don’t get strung along on 3+ dates with a girl who wants to friendzone you. You ditch any girls who “shit test” you, and instead focus only on easy-going, laid-back, cool chicks.
And once you’re really done with the getting laid phase of your life, you start moving on to new goals. At that point, it makes sense to find a cool, chilled fuckbuddy (or two) – or an awesome girlfriend – to satisfy your urges while you work on your new missions. Casual one-night-stands become pretty much a waste of time/resources for most guys.
I hit the point of “I’m happy with my sex life” about a year-and-a-half ago. I’ve got a girlfriend I see a few times a week for sex/companionship/roadtrips/ conversations/intimacy. We have 3somes with other girls (she brings in about 50% of the girls we sleep with). I talk to 1 girl a day out on the street, and message a couple girls on Tinder every week with a copy-paste line that takes absolutely zero effort. I barely have to think about sex any more.
Truth is, there’s about 100 things I’d rather do than go out chasing new girls. I’d rather:
- Build my coaching into a full-time business so I can quit my job. (Update April 2020: Achieved!)
- Get 8 hours sleep (sleep is incredibly important).
- Go to the gym.
- Get to 100 articles total published. (Update April 2020: Achieved!)
- Challenge myself by writing 5 articles in 24 hours.
- Watch a movie.
- Eat fried chicken covered in melted chocolate (don’t knock it til you’ve tried it, trust me).
Chasing new pussy is the furtherest thing from my mind.
It won’t be forever – I know there’ll be points in my future where I feel that spur to go out and meet new chicks. I’ll inevitably have periods where I’m desperate for some new action, chasing it like I did in the good old days. I haven’t hung up my boots for good, and I never will. But right now it’d be detrimental to my current goals to make getting laid my number 1 goal. I’m happy banging my girlfriend, and meeting 1 new girl every month or so. I’m happy not having to try.
By putting in consistent effort over the last 3 years, I’ve built a really efficient way to get laid that works for me. I get to have sex with a new girl every month, whilst focusing on my main goals (writing for this site and building up my coaching business). I never thought I’d say these words, but sex is no longer the all-consuming obsession it once was, and I’m pleasantly surprised that’s the case.
If you’re in the “I must get laid at all costs” stage of your life, what I’m about to say will sound utterly insane to you, like I’ve gone off the deep end:
Eventually, you’ll settle too.
What I mean is, at some point, chasing new girls will lose its allure. Don’t get me wrong: sex will still be incredibly fun, as will chasing new girls. But you won’t feel desperate to go after it any more. You’ll have moved on to new goals, you’ll be on a new mission – you won’t have time to go out and hit on 100 girls.
I’m not necessarily saying you’ll settle down with 1 girl and be monogamous – for some guys (like me), that’ll never be the case. In that case, you’ll have one or two loyal fuckbuddies/girlfriends, and meet new girls every now and then, whenever the opportunity presents itself. But you won’t be out 7 nights a week spending 90% of your waking hours thinking about and chasing sex.
I know all this sounds utterly insane to many of you… it did to me years ago. “Andy, you’re nuts! I will NEVER get sick of chasing new girls. I’ll always want to seek out new experiences.”
I used to think exactly the same way about all of my idols who’d slowed down or given up their quest for new muff. I thought they were just being “lazy” by getting into long-term relationships. I was confused… how could sex ever stop being as much of a desperate need as it was for me at that point in time?
Thing is, this chasing girls thing was never meant to be your number 1 priority for the rest of your life. After all, isn’t the entire reason we push ourselves to get laid so we can get to a point where sex takes no effort, and we don’t spend every minute of every day stressing about hooking up?
A few mates and I have talked about this subject a tonne over the last couple of years: we don’t believe you’re supposed to chase girls forever and amass a massive notch count (eg 1000+) without eventually starting to form longterm bonds with girls. Part of being human is bonding with other humans, and that most definitely includes the girls you have sex with.
The pickup-artist Roosh V is the perfect example of the harms of not growing out of your “chasing girls” phase. He pushed it far past what can reasonably be considered healthy for the human psyche. He’s banged god knows how many women (1000?) and all that experience just seems to have made him more bitter & disillusioned – it’s left him very frustrated (hateful, even) towards women.
After a certain number of women, there’s not much left to gain from banging more, other than a bit of fun and perhaps an interesting story. My mates and I would argue after a certain lay count, you run the risk of doing yourself harm if you just keep racking up notches without bonding with the girls. You’re training yourself to not care about people you have sex with; training yourself to keep a hard outer shell & not get close to people you’ve been intimate with.
Because if you have a tonne of sex, it’s inevitable you’ll come across a number of girls who blow your mind and make you fall in love with them. When that happens, you’ve got a few choices – either fight it & keep things casual or break up with her so you don’t get “bogged down” by a relationship with her, freeing you to keep racking up a huge lay count. Or you can take a leap of faith and try letting yourself be close and vulnerable with her.
Choosing the former – keeping her at arm’s length or breaking up with her – trains you to fear intimacy. It trains you to run from normal human connection, because you’re worried if you get too close to a girl, you’ll become lazy and complacent and not go after your goals (getting a huge lay count). The danger is that becomes a powerful habit you find very difficult or impossible to break.
You also can’t keep chasing the same thrill and rush you had when you were first starting to get laid – when sex is new and novel and exciting. It’s natural that over time that thrill will fade. If you fight against that and keep trying to relive your glory days, you’ll be like a heroin addict chasing their first high – no girl you ever meet in the future will match up to the first few you met when you first started getting laid. We’re not meant to keep chasing the exact same thing over and over for decades on end.
It’s easy to say, “Sure, I’ll settle when I find the perfect girl – and I won’t allow myself to have a relationship until I find that perfect girl.” The perfect girl doesn’t exist though – every human is flawed, shitty, in need of a fix-up. If you’re always thinking, “I could do better than this girl” for every girl you meet, you’ll never find one who measures up to your impossible expectations – you’ll spend your life chasing a ghost.
I’ve got a future article in the works – “How to Pick a Solid Girlfriend” – but in short, you can do what I did and find a girl who’s 75% of what you want, but is also extremely into self-improvement. Over the course of a year, you support and push her to keep improving herself; essentially building her into your “perfect” girl.
As for when to settle – don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying you have to force yourself to settle before you’re ready. It isn’t something you need to consciously think about. And you definitely shouldn’t settle with a girl who’s below average. All I’m saying is, once you’ve gotten your “getting laid” stage handled, you’ll find yourself naturally starting to form longer and longer bonds with girls, without realising you’re doing it. You’ll want to keep girls around for longer and longer, and you’ll be less inclined to have casual, throwaway sex. Eventually, you’ll end up with one (or two, or three) girls you see for several years or longer – again, without you consciously thinking about it.
If (when) you feel the urge to build something with one main girl, don’t fight it. Don’t mourn for the loss of that initial excitement of chasing girls; nor should you mourn for the “newbie passion” you felt at the start of your journey. Be grateful you’re at a place where sex comes easily to you, and use your newfound free time and energy to start planning out your next goal.
UPDATE 2022: I did a follow-up video called “What Comes After Getting Laid?”:
Hey Andy! I love your content. Incredibly wholesome and way less “bitter” than most of trp guys (“all women are filthy whores amirite hahaha pleaseloveme”)
As good as all these things are, what would you say to – and it is weird to admit it, but please bare with me before you dismiss me as a troll – to a borderline asexual/demisexual guy?
I am 25 years old, virgin, but have done “sexual stuff”, touching etc.
Always wanted romantic love more than sex (you know, that “blue pilled” beta stuff, holding hands, cuddling etc.)
I’ve never dreamed of having wild sex (In fact, I’m kinda repulsed by bdsm and extra rough shit, like slave play etc.)
I turned into theredpill NOT to get laid, but to find a long-term girlfriend, raise a family etc. (again, “blue pill” dream shit)
I am repulsed by girls who only want to fuck and/or have a high partner count. I always have to sort of “pretend” to be that “fuckboi” to get romantic results.
I don’t think i’m incredibly unattractive, since I DO get approached by women and not by ugly chicks. I’ve rejected most girls due to either them having a boyfriend and/or me not wanting sex (not because they weren’t hot, more because of the whole, you know, asexual thing)
Like you did, I had my first chance to lose my virginity when I was 19, but I rejected/broke up with that girl after being “together” for a week. Why? Again, I didn’t want to fuck, I wanted a “romantic partner”. After that, there have been a few chances, but the results are always the same – either I’m not interested enough, the girl wants to bang “too soon” or she has a s.o. (I’m not into cheating. Personal moral values still apply).
My friends don’t understand me either – they tell me I’m like a weird hybrid-christian without the religion part. I just want love, dude. I don’t want sex and the only reason I would want it would be to “be loved” more (it raises my ego, knowing that I can make a girl want me) and/or make children, which I don’t want in the near future.
Everywhere I’ve asked (TRP etc.) I’ve been called a “beta”, “faggot”, “closeted gay”, “a girl” etc. While yeah, I get it, a guy who doesn’t want sex as much, it’s fucking weird. I never get help nor solutions. I’ve been into therapy due to depression. My testostrone levels are apparently fine, i’ve checked them and i’ve also asked help from people who help incels – the best answer I got was that “You’re not an incel If you’re the one doing the rejecting. You were born in the wrong generation and things don’t work like that anymore. You just have accept it that girls want to fuck”.
I do have libido and I do wank.
A good analogy would be: I like playing GTA, but I would never want to perform a real life grand theft auto. I like the deaths in horror movies like “Saw” and “Final desination”; but I would never want to see these things irl. I like wanking, fantasizing, maybe watching porn, but I would never like to do these things in real life with the people I know. I WOULD maybe be okay if it were a prostitute, but it’s illegal in my country.
I AM mostly repulsed by sex and overly sexual girls/girls with many former partners (10+). I DON’T want to fuck. People like Rollo Tomassi and other red pill guys would tell me to “kill the beta”, but I literally just don’t enjoy it, I don’t find it appealing and In the long run, “being my best self” makes me just way more happier than being a weird “hybrid-alpha” who actually hates who he has become. What should I do? How do I fill that void of just wanting a romantic relationship with MAYBE some sex on the side?
Bare in mind I can’t fix you in one comment on the internet. I offer coaching/counselling – I’d suggest either seeing me, or finding another counsellor to talk to about everything you’ve just written.
First: You’re not a beta/faggot/gay/etc. Anyone who talks shit about you, by definition cannot be happy with themselves. Happy people don’t hurt/belittle others.
Second: Are you absolutely 100% sure you won’t like sex? I know you’re currently repulsed by the idea of sex, but that doesn’t necessarily have to mean it’ll always be that way. A year ago I started working with a client who was a virgin who said the exact same things you’re saying. “Sex grosses me out”. “Women’s pussies gross me out.” “Sex repulses me.” But he still wanted to date. It took us a hell of a lot of patience and time to unravel all the reasons he felt sex was “repulsive”, but over about 3 months he started realising there were other factors at play (I won’t get into detail here out of respect for his privacy).
Long story short, he lost his virginity and has had sex with a few more girls since then. Sex is still a little “weird” to him, but he’s starting to enjoy it. And this is a guy who for most of his life (he’s older than you) thought sex was something he’d always have an issue with.
Third: If you truly, honestly don’t think that applies to you – you don’t think you’d be like my other client and eventually enjoy sex – that’s cool. Go out and find other women who want the same thing you do. Start screening for asexual girls HARD (you will need to work your ass off to find girls who really don’t want sex). Find forums/subreddits for asexual people. Go to meetup.com and see if there’s any asexual groups on there. Hell, save up to move to a really conservative country where sex is less important and the women are looking for long-term romanctic relationships. Start putting the energy out into the world that you’re looking for someone asexual, and once you start taking it seriously, you’ll get it.
Honesty is also going to be super important in your case – you’ll have to be absolutely 100% upfront with each girl and make it clear you really don’t want to have sex, ever. Start with these articles:
Particularly, read “It’s You and Me”, and also “Honesty is an Ideal You Work Towards”.
Start with this book:
Seriously, go buy that book right fucking now. And then read this part of that article:
OBSESS about finding what you want. If you truly want an asexual relationship (and you’re 100% sure you’ll NEVER be like my other client who eventually liked sex), then obsess about it and make it happen. Stop sitting around bitching, “My friends don’t understand me, TRP calls me a faggot, boo hoo.” Fuck those haters, they can suck a fat dick. Decide you’ll make this happen, and then fucking make it happen. You can have anything you want; you just have to work for it.
Again, hit me up for coaching if you think I can help you. Otherwise, go out there and start seeking what you want.
Thank you for a great reply! You know what, now that I think about it, I probably just need mental health help.
It all started about a year ago: I’ve never had any girls so I was baffled when one girl started showing a LOT of interest towards me. She was the “slutty” type party girl. Sadly, I found out that she had a boyfriend :/ That was the first step towards bitterness and depression. After that, I still had a positive mindset (“Hey! A girl actually liked me! What If I took this positive, honest vibe and started showing interst towards other girls?”) and started flirting with another girl (after a week or so). She I made one step, she made 2 steps back (this was literally after years of 1) not being interested in girls myself 2) not being honest/obvious with girls 3) girls not showing interest towards me because I wasn’t intersted, honest etc.). She seemed like the typical “proper” girl (very few friends, introverted, private instagram, a facebook account with one picture, no activity and only using it for the messenger). She started coming to places I was performing (I’m a pianist). Then, during our conversation, I found out that she was in a 6 year ltr :/
That’s when I turned into the typical “negative” red piller (AWALT, she just wanted to branch swing etc.). The negative spiral made it so that the positive attitude that I had developed turned into a negative mindset (“Why even borther if all girls just want to fuck and leave me after they find someone else? Why even bother with a 6 out of 10 if she can just swipe left and pick a 9 out of 10 every weekend?”)
Then I realized something: the reason I got these two girls attentions after years of getting zero was mostly because 1) I was incredibly positive. I didn’t care if they liked me. I didin’t even think about concepts like AWALT, branch swinging, alpha/beta etc. 2) Due to me starting to care about these things (AWALT, “It’s just your turn”, alpha/beta, “she’ll just suck ten other dicks if you don’t fuck her”, “if you don’t fuck her your her girlfriend” etc.), I lost my positivity, I lost girls, I was afraid lost and angry. This coupled with more trp/incel/blackpill material (“They only liked me because of my jawline”, “They didn’t even like me, I was just another dick to be sucked” etc.) = depression
Then I started looking what my good friends are doing (who have girlfriends, short-term partners etc.):
– They didn’t care about trp stuff
– They didn’t care about being alpha or beta or whatever else
– They didn’t care about “raising smv”, they just did it naturally (basic grooming, dressing well, hitting the gym due to it being awesome AND to look good)
and most important of all – They didn’t care if their girlfriend cheated on them BECAUSE they would just leave her. No questions asked. They had girlfriends, they didn’t need a girlfriend. They wanted girls, they didn’t need girls.
So yeah. I’m sex repulsed not because I’m truly asexual, It’s literally because I’ve read too much theory (“sluts will leave you”, “don’t ltr a slut”) and I’m just so fucking scared – where there is fear, there’s no room for love. I’m just mentally fucked up.
Then, again, I started thinking:
– What If the second girl (who had a 6 year ltr) wanted to “branch swing” NOT because she was an “evil slut”, but because it was literally her first boyfriend and 6 years IS a long time – things don’t last forever.
– I was so fucking awesome and positive – maybe I WAS better for her. And it’s okay.
– What If, yes, AWALT, “cheaters gonna cheat” etc. it was the 1% time where this didn’t apply? What if she wasn’t going to cheat on me? Why would I focus on the “probable negative” than the “improbable BUT possible positive”?
– Even IF she had branch-swinged to me and later cheated on me – so what? Then I would’ve had a good time anyways. Even if I didn’t I’d have an experience. If she had cheated, I’d still have my friends, family, pets, hobbies, the sun’ll still shine. But because of fear and resentment (“AWALT”, cheaters gonna cheat, slut, branch swinging, dread game) I didn’t even try.
I do NOT promote any kind of cheating – It’s just that life isn’t that black and white. If i had a good time with her, either she or I would’ve told her boyfriend. (Again if I did do something with her and she didn’t give a shit about her boyfriend, didn’t even bother telling him and wanted to keep things a secret – that’s just not for me, No thanks) That’s it. No anger, no resentment. Maybe from her boyfriends part, yes, but I really truly hope he could’ve moved on. Right now we have a not so great outcome – I’m kinda sad because of what could’ve been and her boyfriend just lives in a “comfortable lie” – I don’t think she told him that she made out with a guy. Hell, maybe she truly IS sucking ten dicks every weekend, but why would that be my problem? 😀 I don’t KNOW that. That’s what I personally hate about trp and other manosphere communities – so much fucking negativity. It’s like an echochamber of bitter people, even the endorsed contributors (“I keep spinning plates, so I won’t get hurt lol”).
So yeah, long rant, but I’m truly thankful for your reply. Keep living, learning, moving forward and at the end of the day – the sun’ll still shine even if I’ll never find “the one”. it’s time for me to move on without anger 😀
Tl;dr: stop reading too much theory. Go live life.
Also another thing that has helped me seeing the world less-binary:
Start watching good debates:
left vs right
trans vs anti-trans
meat eaters vs vegans
feminists vs manosphere(ians)
And by GOOD debates I mean debates where both sides have very compelling arguments: you suddenly realize that “huh, I truly don’t know what I believe in anymore.” Stuff that makes you question reality and realize that everyone just wants the best for themselves.
Like I said, happy to give you mental health help/counselling – send me a message.
Otherwise, just keep working on your self-improvement, one day at a time.