One of the realities of dating/getting laid – especially online dating – is a tonne of people ghost each other. Guys ghost girls, girls ghost guys, asexual-polymorphic-trans-gender-bender people ghost other asexual-polymorphic-trans-gender-bender people.
And it hurts. It sucks. It never feels good getting rejected by someone – and it feels even worse if that person literally doesn’t answer your texts, as if they’ve just turned into a ghost (hence, the name).
I’ll distinguish: ghosting refers to a girl just completely ignoring your text messages after you’ve already had a date or had sex. I’m not talking about a girl who stops replying to you on Tinder/Bumble/etc (before you’ve met up in person). That’s not ghosting; that’s just the nature of online dating. Girls have a bazillion guys messaging them all at the same time, and it’s completely overwhelming. They all tell me they want to reply to every guy, and they feel like such a bitch for not replying to everyone, but it’s simply not possible to keep up. So, don’t take it personally if a girl stops replying to you online (before you’ve had sex); it’s likely nothing you did wrong.
Everything in this article only refers to girls you’ve already had sex with or gone on a couple dates with. Girls where there’s at least a bit of investment.
The first thing to know about ghosting is: girls ghost for a billion different reasons.
- Maybe you’re too short for her; she was happy to bang you once but doesn’t want to do it again.
- Maybe you’re too tall for her.
- Maybe her life is just an absolute mess, and she isn’t emotionally-mature enough to handle sex/dating (this one is pretty common).
- Maybe she assumes you’re banging a lot of other girls, and so she worries you’re just going to eventually get bored of her – so she’s ghosting you before you have a chance to reject her. (Also common – I’ve had multiple girls say this to me).
- If you’re being honest like I advocate, maybe this girl is used to playing games/lying, and can’t handle honesty (I’ve had multiple girls tell me this too – “You expect me to be honest and it’s too much pressure.”)
- Maybe you remind her of her ex, and she thought she could deal with it, but having sex with you was too much.
- Maybe she just got over her ex, and just like the point above, after sex all the memories of her ex came flooding back and she can’t handle it.
- Maybe you didn’t give her the experience she was looking for (who knows what that experience is).
- Maybe you gave her too much of whatever experience she was looking for, and she wasn’t able to handle it.
- Maybe she’s insecure about how attractive you are.
- Maybe she’s insecure that your life is cooler than hers (a lot of girls are VERY insecure, and end up running away/ghosting to save themselves being rejected).
- Maybe you didn’t buy her a drink, and she never dates guys who don’t buy drinks.
- Or maybe you did buy her a drink, and she doesn’t date guys who don’t let girls buy their own drinks.
- Maybe you remind her of her father, and she has Daddy issues, and having sex with you was just too much for her.
- Maybe you came on her face and she hates that.
- Maybe you didn’t cum on her face and she secretly wanted you to.
- Maybe she’s worried her family/friends will find out she’s sleeping with you, so she cut it off early by ghosting so they won’t find out.
- …and 5 million other reasons.
People are incredibly picky for incredibly arbitrary reasons – women even moreso. By definition they’re in the position of being the choosers – they have hundreds of options (thousands if you include online dating) when it comes to men. It’s their job to be incredibly over-the-top picky, sometimes for the most idiotic and retarded reasons.
It’s not your job to try and figure out how to be “perfect” for each girl. It’s not your job to walk on eggshells, terrified you’ll do something “wrong” that’ll set a girl off. All you need to worry about is a) constantly improving yourself and b) be bringing in more girls so you’ll find the ones who are really into you. If you’re unsure how to start improving yourself, then start here.
I don’t want you to beat yourself up if a girl ghosts you. Sometimes you could have tried harder or done something better, sure. But a hell of a lot of the time, there was nothing you really did “wrong” – she just wasn’t interested in banging you again, for whatever reason.
And even if you did happen to do something she didn’t like, guess what? The next girl you go out with will LOVE that exact same thing you do. One girl tells me she hates that I’m ginger; the very next girl tells me, “I’ve always had a thing for gingers.” One girl tells me I’m too dominant; the very next girl loves that I tell her what to do. One girl tells me I’m “too intense”, the next girl tells me she loves my intensitity. Different girls have different preferences, so don’t change yourself too much for each individual girl. Just be you, and find the girls you like (and who like you back).
You cannot listen to any one particular bit of feedback; you need to look for trends. If one girl tells you you did something wrong, it doesn’t really mean anything (you’d only listen if 30 girls told you the same thing). So if one girl ghosts you, don’t stress about it too much – it’s just one girl ghosting you. It happens. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and go talk to more girls.
Here’s a good example of what I’m talking about. I met an 18yo girl for BDSM; she told me how excited she was to try it. Here’s part of the conversation:
Look how excited she was – she literally wrote IN CAPITAL LETTERS how excited she was to explore. We had a lot of fun together, I showed her some of my toys, blindfolded her, teased her and eventually fucked her. Afterwards we cuddled and she told me how much fun it was and how exciting it all was. She said she was really keen to do it again.
…Only, she made excuses when I tried to set up another hangout, and she eventually just ghosted me. A year or so later, we happened to match again on Tinder, and she had this to say:
That last sentence she says is key, and I want you to keep it in mind. “Nothing you did at all. I just wasn’t ready for it.” Some girls are going to ghost you becasue they’re just not ready for sex, or a relationship, or intimacy, or bonding, or whatever it is you’re offering. It’s not anything you did wrong; it’s on her, not you.
(You can read the full story here: Andy Nuts in the Gut of a Big-Tittied 18yo.)
If you want to, you can do what me and my mates used to do when we were very sensitive to rejection and ghosting (we used to get really down about girls ghosting us; it hurt.) We’d send this text to any girls who ignored us after sex:
What we found is a tonne of girls replied and apologised, giving us a relatively polite reason as to why they didn’t want to have sex again. Polite answers like, “I’m just not really in a good place to date” or, “I’m sorry, I just don’t want to do it again.” Really, it didn’t matter what the reason was – her replying to us and ending things ‘officially’ gave us closure. It made us feel a lot better (nobody likes being ignored), which is exactly why I say you should never ghost girls in my How to End Things with a Girl article.
We weren’t looking for actual feedback, and we didn’t really care why the girl ghosted us. We just didn’t want to be ignored, and we wanted to make sure she really wasn’t going to see us again. Like I said, closure.
You might find sending this text makes you feel a lot better – a couple of my clients have felt a lot better since they started doing this, because the girls have given then pretty polite replies which makes them feel better. Being ghosted feels fucking awful; a polite rejection is much nicer.
Also bare in mind, we’re not sending this text to try and “re-engage her” or get her to sleep with us again. If she’s ghosted you, the writing is on the wall; she doesn’t want to bone you again. You’re only sending her the message to make yourself feel better, and to give yourself that nice closure.
Every now and then (1 in 100), you’ll find that the girl didn’t actually ghost you – some weird life circumstances ended up happening. I ended up having sex with a girl after sending this text:
Proof, us posing for a naked selfie together in bed (she’s cool with me sharing this):
Good times. Just don’t have any expectations; I’ve literally only ever banged one girl in my entire life who ghosted me. It’s a really really rare thing you shouldn’t count on.
Don’t take it personally if a girl ghosts you; it’s part of the dating world, and it (usually) doesn’t mean you did anything wrong. Just put yourself out there and talk to more girls, and keep on trucking.
Feel free to send the “Any feedback so I know why?” text if you like. Just don’t have any expectations; most girls will reply with something nice, some girls won’t reply at all. Even if she doesn’t reply, you can tell yourself, “I did all that I could. Ok, I can move on now.“
Dude, I wonder if you had an article already about what you do in place of ghosting yourself, after you changed your mind seeing her again after first or second time having sex with a particular woman.
Sometimes I’d have someone text me (who didn’t impress me in either a bed or in looks where I prob shouldn’t have lowered my standards) and I have one or two non-sexual exchanges back and worth that go nowhere. Women don’t ask to meet again directly as would be expected. I still feel bad for not fucking them, even worse than being one-night standed by the most sexual woman I ever met (her saying to her boyfriend over the phone that she loved him should have been a clue).
I really needed this article Andy. Thanks for the great content and keep up the amazing work.
You’re welcome mate, keep your chin up. And then go talk to more girls.