When Should I Lower or Raise My Standards? (The Ebb & Flow of Standards)

Listen to this as an audio:

A question a couple of coaching clients have asked me is, “Can I raise my standards a bit, or would that mean I’m being too picky with girls?” (By “standards”, we’re specifically talking about dating/having sex with more attractive and hotter girls).

My answer is always, “If you want to raise your standards a bit, go for it. If you end up getting no girls, then just lower your standards a little bit again – or bust your ass working on your self-improvement & making yourself more attractive so you can get those hotter girls.”

The way I’ve always seen standards is they ebb and flow, depending on your current situation. Sometimes you raise them because you have plenty of options. Sometimes you lower them when you have less options. Standards do increase over time (there’s a general upwards trend as you improve yourself), but you’ll often have periods where you lower them, temporarily. And periods where you raise them, temporarily.

Once you get to a point where you’re confident in your ability to get laid, you might even uninstall your dating apps and stop hitting on girls in person. I often uninstall Tinder when I have too many girls, just so I’m not distracted and can properly focus on my mission (this site, coaching people, my podcast). Then after 3-6 months some of my friends-with-benefits might move on and I have less girls again, so I’ll reinstall Tinder, bang a few new girls and retain a few, and uninstall Tinder again.

You’ll also find yourself raising your standards and being much more picky with whom you date/have sex with. You’ll say to yourself, “Ok, I’m seeing enough girls right now so I’m pretty happy. There’s certain types of girls that don’t make me as happy (maybe it’s to do with attractiveness, or a certain type of personality trait you don’t like, etc).
“While I have plenty of other girls in my life, I’ll raise my standards and only go for ‘quality’ girls – the type of girls I really like.”

At this point, when you have a lot of girls in your life, you can afford to be really picky. You can chase ONLY the girls you really really really want. You can be really fussy when it comes to personality traits. You can go for a specific type of girl, or a type of dynamic – eg screening hard for BDSM, or looking for redheads only, or dating only 18-21yo girls.

If you’re at a point where you have an abundance of options, your increased pickiness will be awesome – you’ll get more of the girls you want, while wasting less time on the girls you’re not crazy super into. Awesome.

Sometimes, however, you’ll get to a point where a couple of the girls you’re seeing drop off, and you get to a point where you don’t really have many girls in your life at all. You think to yourself, “Hmmm, maybe my standards are too high – I went from having lots of girls to having no girls. Maybe I should lower my standards again, just a bit, until I have a girl or two in my life again.” So you lower your standards just a bit (it doesn’t have to be a lot – maybe you just keep more of an open mind and be a little less picky).

I’ve done this many times in the past – I’ve had points where I had a tonne of girls (5+ fuckbuddies at once) so I’d have really high standards and be very fussy, and only meet girls who ticked every single checkbox I had. After 6 months I sometimes got to a point where I had no girls again – and then I’d have to be a bit more openminded and be a little less over-the-top-fussy, stop excluding girls for insanely-picky (almost trivial) reasons and then I’ll get a couple more girls.

Your standards are a balancing act – they depend on your current situation. Your current level of abundance. How many girls you have in your life – how many options you have.

So, whenever you think, “Am I being too fussy? Or not fussy enough?” Ask yourself:

Am I happy with my current level of fussiness? Am I happy with how many girls I have in my life right now?

If you’re not happy – be more / or less fussy, depending on your current number of options with girls. If you have very few girls, be a bit more openminded. If you have a tonne of girls and feel yourself getting overwhelmed and running out of days in the week to go on dates with them, cool – you can afford to be more fussy.

Another thing to think about is – “Is my current level of fussiness making me feel lonely?” If you’re lonely from a lack of options, then yes, it’s time to swallow your pride and be a bit more openminded with the girls you go on dates with. Remember, you don’t have to sleep with them – even just going on a few dates can make you feel like you’ve got some options again. And of course, always be working on your self-improvement so your standards can gradually increase over time.

And conversely, if you have plenty of girls and feel like you’re becoming unhappy putting up with bad behaviour from certain girls, or compromising your principles – then stop putting up with it, raise your standards, politely tell that girl you don’t want to see her anymore, and then you’ll be happier.

Your standards will also depend on your goals, to an extent. Some guys want to just have as much sex as possible and gain as much experience as possible, exploring the wide breadth of girls and relationships available. Some guys put a number on this; eg, 100 lays. For those guys, having sky-high standards runs counter to their goal; if they’re extremely over-the-top fussy, they’re only going to make themselves depressed with how little progress they’re making towards their goals.

Other guys have the goal of having a really awesome girlfriend, and they do not want to just get laid at all costs. Some guys genuinely don’t enjoy having truckloads of sex. For those guys, they still need to go on a lot of dates and meet a lot of women – but they don’t have to have sex with them. They can afford to be more choosy/picky with who they shove their dick into; they can have higher standards. More precisely, they can be a little less fussy at the dating stage (and go on plenty of dates with lots of women so they have plenty of candidates to pick from), but then be more fussy with whom they actually have sex with.

The “Am I happy right now?” question really is key. You might look at your current success and see that you haven’t had sex in a month because you’ve turned down a bunch of girls, and you’ll say, “Am I happy? No, I’m not.” Ok, time to be a bit more open-minded.

Or you might be in that exact same situation – no sex in a month – and ask yourself, “Am I happy?” You might honestly answer yes (just make sure you’re being honest with yourself) – you might be focused hardcore on the gym + career, and you’re happy to wait a little longer to meet a really cool girl who meets your higher standards. Or maybe you already have a casual friends-with-benefits girl you’re seeing, so you’re happy to take your time finding a second girl. As long as you are honestly really happy and you’re not deluding yourself, then awesome – keep your standards where they are.

This is one of those things where it’s not up to me to tell you whether you should lower or raise your standards right now. YOU need to ask yourself if you’re currently happy, and go from there.

And if you find yourself sometimes lowering your standards, only to later raise them again (or vice versa), that’s completely normal. That’s part of the process.

SHOWNOTES:

Bathmate (free shipping if you use my link, plus you help support me):
https://theinnerwinnershow.com/bathmate/

You’re Not Obligated to Have Sex with Someone:
https://killyourinnerloser.com/not-obligated/

Always Keep an Open Mind:
https://killyourinnerloser.com/always-keep-an-open-mind/

UPDATE: Here’s a follow-up vid I did going into more detail:

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