Whatup my fellow Alpha Males? I know we’re all in crisis mode, wondering how on Earth we’re supposed to get pussy in the middle of all these social-distancing laws. Luckily, I’ve got you covered.
First off, make sure you’re not breaking any local laws. In some countries, you’re not allowed to leave the house right now without asking Daddy Government for permission, and in those countries you sure as shit can’t be seen walking outside with girls. If you’re unlucky enough to be from one of these totalitarian states where your freedoms don’t matter, I’m really sorry – you’re just going to have to sit tight and wait for all this to blow over. In the mean time, keep yourself entertained by checking out this airplane porn (NSFW).
In other countries like mine, you can go for a walk with a girl as long as you say you’re “going to the grocery store” or “exercising”. Again, don’t break any local laws – I’m not encouraging it. Use your own judgement.
And for most other people, you’re allowed outside with girls – you just have to maintain social distancing (usually 1.5m apart). That’s where this guide comes in.
Obviously kino and escalation are two things I cover in great depth in almost every article I write on this website. A true Alpha Male should be kino’ing on every girl he meets, all the time, even in his sleep. If you don’t kino and escalate, girls will think you’re a beta – which is gay as fuck, am I right?
You don’t want girls to think you like sucking on sausages, do you? Hmmm? You a little beta gay boy?
No of course you’re not. You’re an Alpha Male™.
And as an Alpha Male, you understand touching a girl as often as you can during a date is literally the only way you can get into her moist crabcake. There’s no way you’re sliding between those sweet peachy cheeks without having first touched her all over her delicious, delectable body while out in public (no, you can’t do it when you’re back at your apartment – that’s beta). Remember, no kino = beta. Lotsa kino =
But with all these social distancing measures, and having to keep at least 1.5m distance from her at all times, how is an Alpha Male supposed to escalate???
Now I know what you’re thinking. “A true Alpaca Male will ignore all laws and do what he wants! Obeying the law is beta!” But let me remind you if you don’t obey social distancing measures, and you kino girls during corona, they’ll think you’re so desperate and beta to touch them you’d literally break the law for it. And what does that tell them? It tells them you’re needy as hell, which is about the most beta cuck shit I’ve ever heard.
So hands-on kino in the age of social distancing is clearly way too needy and insecure and just plain homoerotic. So what’s an Alpha to do if he wants to get laid? Well chaps, that’s where solution #1 comes in.
Solution #1: Roleplay Kino
I can’t believe it took me until we have a fucking pandemic before I was able to think of something so genuinely, mind-blowingly genius. If we can’t kino right now (because it’s needy and beta), then all you have to do is roleplay touching her.
Just walk with her like you normally would on a date, maintaining the perfect 1.5m distance between you; no more, no less. (less than 1.5m = clearly very needy and cuck-like. More than 1.5m makes it look like you’re really scared of her, and she’ll instantly know you’re not a true ἄλφα (that’s Greek for Alpha. Greeks were super alpha except when they ate too much feta cheese, because feta is beta (because they both share the same last 3 letters.))))
So maintain your 1.5m distance, and then tell her to pretend you’re currently kino’ing her.
I know. Fucking GENIUS. I know.
Start out slow, just like you would with real-life kino. Say out loud to her as you walk, “Imagine my hand is touching yours now.”
(I put that font in red to show you how you should be saying it. You should be speaking with the colour RED, like an angry uncalm Alpha Male. If you can’t quite manage RED because you’re still a newbie, just talk in PINK for now, but aim to upgrade to RED asap.)
She’ll likely giggle and start to secrete vaginal fluid immediately. You’re doing good.
Walk for a bit longer and then say out loud to her (still maintaining 1.5m distance, no more, no less): “Now sweetcheeks, I want you to imagine my fingertips stroking your arms, very confidently, like an Alpha male. Like no Alpha male you’ve ever met before.”
Now she’ll likely be dripping wet, absolutely soaked – because she knows what’s coming.
But remember not to move too quickly or she’ll think you’re a beta; push–pull is important here. Hit her with a fucking NEG, RIGHT NOW: “Oh and by the way I just realised you remind me of my little sister, who’s a stupid bitch, lol. Anyway.” (I wrote this neg in orange, NOT red, for a reason. You need to always tone your negs down; never say your negs in red. They should always be calmer, more like an orange (the colour, not the fruit.))
Wow. If there was any doubt as to your Alpha Male Status™, that doubt has been completely nuked – she knows you’re an alpha warlord now. Alphas neg, and you just hit her with the biggest neg she’s likely ever received, other than that time a guy called her fat.
(Calling a girl fat is known as a nuclear neg – newbies should NEVER attempt them because they can backfire if she replies with, “no u”).
After your neg about your sister, she’ll likely look a little hurt, and might even cry at this point – DO NOT WIPE AWAY HER TEARS OR APOLOGISE. EMPATHY IS BETA AS FUCK AND I WILL IMMEDIATELY SITE-BAN YOUR IP ADDRESS FROM MY WEBSITE, UNDERSTAND?
Now we go for the kill, like an AlphA MalE LioN.
Out loud again, this time almost a roar (like a lion): “Imagine my hand is on your thigh right now. You hesitate, but not wanting to seem rude you don’t push it away. There’s a part of you that feels very turned on by an Alpha Male touching you in this way, knowing he’s confident and badass enough to take what he wants. You are but a helpless little mouse, unable to fully grasp the immense power I wield.”
If she slips and falls (on her own pussy juice), don’t help her back up (you can’t, 1.5m remember. Also helping girls is beta, dumbass). Keep pushing forward (this is “escalation”):
(Still red, maybe even MORE red now (I’ll put it in bold so you understand that just means more red when you speak it out loud)): “Now imagine my hand reaches around and squeezes your bum cheeks. You’re panting, loving it, trying to maintain composure but you simply can’t, because I’ve kino’d so hard you can’t even remember your own name. I’ve won. You are mine now, princess.”
And, my sweet man, my beautiful Alpha Male (it’s not beta to call an Alpha beautiful; you need to show respect to a fellow gorgeous Alpha): YOU HAVE WON.
She is yours. At this point you deserve to be arrested… for stealing her heart. ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥
Now, if it’s legal in your country, invite her back to your place. When you’re sitting on your couch, make a move and kiss-close her (k-close) and then number-close her (n-close). Don’t fail at this (failure is beta).
Note: After you’ve made out with her and you’ve gotten her number, DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES TRY TO HAVE SEX WITH HER. That would be really needy and beta as fuck – she will literally think you have no other options. I’ve made it very clear on my website that Abundance Mentality™ is far more important than literally anything else (even getting laid) – you need to SHOW her you have Ultimate Abundance by getting her number then kicking her out.
Bonus points if you’re Alpha enough to say, “You gotta go because imma bout to smash 5 other girls in the next 3 hours lol, but I’ll see if I have time to pencil you into my schedule in the next few months.” (Say this one in a teal or blue; NOT red, which would be very beta, almost like a cuck at this stage).
At this point, she might actually try to seduce you (she’ll be so horny from your abundance) – again, DO NOT FUCK HER. Even if she strips naked and begs you to fuck her, this is a SHIT TEST – she is literally TESTING your Alpha boundaries. Do not cave, or you will NEVER fuck her. Remember, sticking your dick in a pussy shows extreme neediness; do you really want girls to think you’re so desperate you’re actually willing to fuck some stupid bitch?
Fuck no. Abundance matters over all else.
Solution #2: 1.5m Kino with Sticks
So the above works better than anything else anyone else could ever think of (no offence, but nobody else is all that Alpha compared to me. I’m the most Alpha (proof here).
But I know what you’re thinking. “Andy, you fucking DICKHEAD, I’m mute and I literally can’t talk? You’re a fucking bigot sexist racist, flaunting your white privilege and completely forgetting about people like ME!”
First of all, calm down – I didn’t forget you, my honeybee, my little lamb chop, my honeysuckle. Solution 2 is written SPECIFICALLY for guys like you who have lost their voiceboxes (or are too shy to talk – which is very Alpha by the way – more on that in my upcoming 6-part series Why Shyness is Actually Alpha as Phuck which is valued at $1456 but I’ll be offering it for just $97 if you use my coupon code BigAlphaBallz99).
For this next part, you’ll need a big stick (must be at least 1m long). The exact length has to be:
length of stick = 1.5m - length of your arm.
So if your arm is 0.5m long (from shoulder to fingertips), get a stick that is 1m long. We need the total to be 1.5m.
You’re going to use that stick in place of your hand to kino her. While you walk, reach out with the stick and tell her to hold the other end of it. Congrats! You’ve now escalated up to holding hands, and she’ll be getting very wet by now. (If she asks why you brought a stick to the date, just Agree and Amplify, or reframe or Flip The Script – “What, you don’t bring a stick to your dates? You must be an ugly virgin.” (Just say this one in grey).
Next, start gently stroking her shoulder with the stick. She’ll probably gasp at this point (girls tend to gasp when Alphas touch them, especially if you do it with confidence – consider hitting her with it hard to show her how confident you really are). Now she’s MOIST AS FUCK. (I was going to put that in bold but capitals get the point across I think. Actually, I don’t think, I know – alphas always just know, without having to think or second-guess themselves.)
Next, start gently caressing her face with the stick, like below:
I’m pretty sure you’ve noticed something: the stick is red. And why do you think that is, my little Alpha-in-Training?
Because red is Alpha.
This won’t work if you don’t have a red stick. I’m not fucking around here dipshit; get a red stick before you continue (I should have written that at the top to save you some time but a real Alpha doesn’t go back and edit his content; that’d be beta as fuck.)
So now you’re touching her face and she’s screaming in pleasure (if she’s not screaming or orgasming right now, you’re doing it wrong). Move to her butt and give it a hard whack, as hard as you can (but do it softly; an Alpha can be both HARD and soft at the same time).
Just like in the first solution, take her back to your place (if it’s legal), ask for her number and then kick her out (again, do NOT have sex – especially not with the stick there. That’d be a 3some and 3somes are really beta because the more non-Alphas there are in the bedroom, the more the Alpha gets diluted. Never let your Alpha Energy be diluted.)
If you don’t have a stick, you can also use a broom (spraypaint it red first). A mop works well too – you can also use it to neg her. “This mop reminds me of ur mum lol” (negs don’t have to make sense, they just have to be Alpha and Intense). (Also, don’t say this neg in orange – I know I said all negs need to be orange but a true Alpha carves his own path and doesn’t listen to rules (listen to me on this rule though)).
I’m actually so Alpha I can use my dick to kino on girls and still be 1.5m away (not a joke; the Bathmate literally made my dick this long).
Now let’s get some outside opinions up in this bitch. A big part of my site is providing proof that the things I’m saying are actually accurate, so what better way than to ask a bitch for proof? One of my bitches that I let call herself my “girlfriend” or whatever said:
A few things a couple of my single friends have mentioned is the fact that they’re missing being kino’ed and escalated on by guys during this corona lockdown.
When I mentioned the idea of having a guy gently stroking their arm with a stick from a safe 1.5m away, they were struck by the genius of the concept and then dismayed that more guys hadn’t thought of this. [Andy’s note: It’s because most guys are beta plebes].
We agreed that it would perfectly balance practical safety while still adding a small thrill of feeling the caress of an Alpha male while not knowing what the extention of his arm could possibly carry.
(By the way to make it clear she’s not my girlfriend she’s just some bitch I fuck when I get bored. I’ve got a lot of abundance so I don’t need a girlfriend. And if she reads this and comments something in the comments below about how she really is my girlfriend and how we’re in love and have been dating for like 2 years or some bullshit like that, ignore her – she’s just trying to shit test all of you).
So there you have it, fellow Alpacas. Go out there and kino like hell (without using your hand – that’s beta and illegal). If you manage to get some kiss-closes and number-closes (facebook accounts and email addresses count too), post them below and let me know how many plates you’re going to be spinning soon!!!!!!!
This hits too close to home about some of the stuff I’ve heard people saying recently… gives me the vibes of a bunch of reddit redpill posts popped into a blender and splotched onto a half-broken sofa to cover over the coffee stains.
Someday I’ll be able to laugh at this. This was actually one of the first few posts I read on your site sometime last year ,and I couldn’t tell you were kidding. I actually was turned off from your stuff for a while because of it (thanks PancakeMouse for re-recommending!)
The best parody is based in realism 😉
Fucking hilarious mate.
The pictures alone make this article a godsend.
I would pay you to write a funny article every once in a while.
Okay maybe I wouldn’t pay but I’d definitely read it 😛
I’ll definitely let myself be a little more loose and silly once in a while. It’s been a challenge because I tend to take this website (and other guys’ self-improvement very serious). I’ll work on reminding myself not to be so damn serious all the damn time… 😉