I may do an ongoing series of articles to counter some of the main “Red Pill” talking points. If you’re not sure what Red Pill is exactly – it refers to sites like The Red Pill Reddit. They tend to focus on masculinity, intersexual-dynamics, anti-feminism, self-improvement and self-knowledge.
I’ll make it clear from the start, I think a lot of the Red Pill’s message is extremely necessary – things like hit the gym, don’t put women on a pedestal, don’t be heartbroken if a woman rejects you, etc. When I first found The Red Pill Reddit, it did wonders for my mental health, my masculinity, and my fucked-up notions about feminism ever being “a good thing”. I owe a lot of my early self-development to that subreddit.
But I believe some of their ideas go too far, going way past “helpful advice” and into the territory of extremely unhelpful and counterintuitive advice. Many of their philosophies I just can’t get on board with – particularly the notion that women are incapable of loyalty and won’t stick around with you for long. They express this sentiment via the saying, “She’s not yours – it’s just your turn.”
I understand the original sentiment they were going for. I’m sure it started out as a prescription for guys not to get too attached and fall madly in love with every girl who shows them the slightest bit of attention. It’s helpful advice in that sense.
It’s also used as a warning against letting yourself be complacent. “If you become lazy and let yourself get fat and unattractive, she’ll leave – she’s not yours forever just because she happens to love you at this moment in time.” Yes, of course if you let yourself go and stop doing the things that made her fall in love with you, she’ll stop loving you eventually. Why in the fuck would you ever want to get complacent & stop improving yourself though; what the fuck is the matter with you?
And finally, it’s used to remind people there is no “one”. On that we agree; the Disney fairytale notion of “one soulmate for everyone” is complete and utter tripe. But just because there’s no such thing as “the one”, doesn’t mean you can’t find “a one”; a girl you spend a significant amount of time with – maybe even the rest of your lives (if that’s what you want).
The main issue is, a lot of Red Pill advice is just repeated like a mindless mantra, often without any context whatsoever; just repeated over and over again until it’s lost all meaning. Taken to the extreme by a lot of guys, “She’s not yours, it’s just your turn” has been twisted into, “All Women Are Like That (AWALT) and ALL women will dump you given the right motivation. She doesn’t belong to you and she can’t bond with you. Female loyalty does not exist. She’s not yours, it’s just your turn.”
I asked my girlfriend about this topic many months ago, before I started writing this article. I was curious to get her thoughts first, and then write my thoughts as a follow-on from hers”
“I don’t really agree with this philosophy, from my perspective I’d say women and men have equal ability to be loyal. And I think biologically women are meant to be more loyal right? Because of the whole notion of kids, I think women want to have a tendency to want to attach for security reasons. I guess that can go both ways, where from an evolutionary aspect women will seek out the best possible father to her children and won’t be loyal, in that respect. And like I think you’ve said girls have a tendency to get attached. I definitely did, the idea of not being loyal to you seems unfathomable. I want to be yours.
The whole idea of cheating / not being loyal, like you’ve mentioned (because I don’t really know or have much experience), it seems to be when someone wouldn’t feel like their needs are being met, which I’m sure can go both ways.
Also I guess the idea of getting what you subconsciously want feeds into this, if you’re saying that girls won’t be loyal, you won’t make any effort to bring them into the same team to make sure they are. A big part of the reason I’m absolutely loyal to you is because you’ve created that situation by talking to me about it, to make that happen.
I can’t imagine going about with that sort of bitterness or cynicism would be the most healthy thing, or simply, it’d just be unpleasant. I’d see that as the path to hating women if you’re always expecting them to break trust / hurt you / leave you. Sort of how I couldn’t relax with you initially because I had all of these anxieties about getting attached and then you leaving me. It’s harder to enjoy the moment if you always have the thought of ‘this won’t last long’ or ‘I can’t really enjoy this because it’s only going to be temporary.’”
I agree with her sentiments. Guys who think women are incapable of loyalty, are creating that situation. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy; because they don’t think women can be loyal, they won’t try as hard to keep the girls around. The girls will sense this, and they’ll eventually feel like things just aren’t working out (because the guy is closed-off and standoffish), so they’ll leave. The guys are getting what they subconsciously believe.
I used to believe heavily in this notion of “She’s not yours, it’s just your turn”. And every girl I dated or banged eventually left, because they could sense I was a cold, unempathetic, closed-off weirdo. These days my philosophy has changed; in my world view, a tonne a women are loyal and loving. They’re not just sitting around waiting to break up with me. I’m far more interested in looking for – and creating – loyalty in the women I date. I expect the women I invest in to stick around and be honest with me. I get rid of all the ones who can’t give me that.
And guess what? I end up with a lot of women who are loyal and stick around, and who want to be mine.
A huge part of the reason I’m able to retain girls so easily is because I make them “mine”. A big fantasy for them and a big part of BDSM is me saying, “You are mine; you belong to me.” I tell them I want to keep them around, and guess what – they stick around. If I focused on, “She’s not yours; it’s just your turn”, then guess what – I’d be cynical from the start, and I wouldn’t even try to make the girls keep seeing me.
I’d have given up before I even tried.
There’s a more insidious point I haven’t yet mentioned. The guys that spit “She’s not yours” must have very low self-esteem, and have very little to offer a woman (outside of sex). Think about it: they expect all women to leave them. Your self-esteem can’t be very high if you don’t think any woman will stick around.
Contrast that with me: I know most girls would be utterly insane to break up with me. I’ve banged 140+ women at this point, I’m great at retention, I mentor all the girls I date and add a hell of a lot to their lives. That’s why they almost never break up with me – I’m always the one that ends things. I know how insanely lucky most girls are to date me, since I know how much I have to give (mentoring, pushing them, I’m open and vulnerable and honest, sex is amazing, I’m funny, I’m interesting, I’m extremely ambitious, I introduce girls to my friends eventually, etc). In short, I know girls are mine for as long as I want them.
If a guy is sitting around saying “All women will leave me” he doesn’t value himself at all. He’s admitting, “I’m a loser that no girl would want to be with long-term.” That is absolutely something to work on immediately, especially if that sounds like you. Start with my massive retention guide; it covers every aspect of keeping girls around. Women aren’t the problem. Your MINDSET and the fact you’ve already given up are the problem.
I have a great example of a loyal woman – my mother. She and my father have been together for 39 years so far. They’ve been through all sorts of trials and tribulations, she’s had a million opportunities to leave him (and he could have left her too), and yet she’s been loyal to him just like he’s been loyal to her.
When I was about 25 and had long-since left home, my dad went through a period of deep depression for about a year and a half – he was not himself. He was horrible to be around, really fucking dark and combative and hopeless and depressed – like he’d given up on life. He was a dick to my mother, he made the marriage miserable, he stopped seeing any of his friends, stopped doing his hobbies, and barely left the house. He projected all of that misery and depression directly onto my mother.
My mum could have left him – in fact, my sister and I had long-since left home, so it’s not like they needed to stay together “for the kids”. But my mum was patient with him, loving towards him (despite him not showing her much love for those 1.5 years). She stayed by his side.
Eventually, with her love and support and her pushing him to see a counsellor and start opening up to his friends about his issues, he was able to slowly overcome his depression over the next few years. He absolutely would NOT have done so without my mother pushing him constantly, even when he didn’t want to fix himself.
I later asked her why she stayed, given she could have left – especially as my sister and I were no longer at home. “Because I made a promise to love him forever, even in the bad times. I knew when I made that promise there would be trials and tribulations, and I knew sometimes I’d have doubts. But when you make a commitment, you must stick to it and stick with the one you said you would be with.”
Oh, but I thought, “She’s not yours; it’s just your turn”? I thought “All Women Are Like That” – I thought there were no exceptions?
One of my problems with The Red Pill Reddit is they very much come across as like a religion or cult – they’re fanatical. Their core doctrines never get edited or revised – and to even question those doctrines results in harsh criticism, derision, or banishment. They’ve found something that works, and by golly, they’re going to stick to them and declare everybody else wrong (for fear of “angering the gods”).
Present evidence that contradicts their core doctrines, and they’ll say, “Yes you’ve just shown me an exception, but AWALT – All Women Are Like That. Even though you’ve shown me evidence of a good woman, the first chance she gets, she’ll fuck you over.”
“All women are disloyal, but if you find me an example of a loyal woman, I’ll just say she’s hiding her disloyal nature.” So she’s a disloyal woman… but her outward behaviour is extremely loyal? Excuse me, but what the fuck?
I’d expect that sort of terrible logic & use of the unfalsifiability fallacy from a religious zealot; not from a group of people claiming to be rational, logical and intelligent. When you’re this fanatical, you stop thinking rationally and you just become a robot, blurting out catchphrases like “She’s not yours, it’s just your turn”, with no pause as to whether or not you’re speaking the truth, or repeating a meme.
The final point to address is saying “She’s not yours” is basically another way of expressing your deep insecurity. “I bet she’ll go fuck someone else after me!” Instead of being honest and open about their insecurities about not being good enough, guys project that onto women and say, “It’s women’s fault! They leave everyone, it’s got nothing to do with my own insecurity!”
A little insecurity is fine – even normal, especially at first. But you can’t let your insecurity affect you to the point you’re completely closing yourself off and telling yourself, “No woman can be loyal; they’re all going to leave me.” If you think every woman is going to eventually leave you, jesus christ you’re going to have a bad dating life.
I’m going to pull out my trump card to end this article. It’s a card I don’t like to play very often (because it’s arrogant to say this): Who has gotten laid more, and who has verifiable proof of those lays? Me, with my 140+ lays (proof here), or random anonymous people on a subreddit who never show any proof whatsoever, and haven’t even told you how many girls they’ve dated/slept with/talked to/been friends with/high-fived/etc?
Which do you believe more – the echochamber where you can’t even question the core doctrines without being shouted down, or the guy who’s just here focusing on truth above all else and what actually works; the guy who’s made it clear he is not beholden to any one “right” way of doing things?
I’m never comfortable saying, “I have a lot of lays, so shut up and listen to me.” You should never take my word as the gospel; I can’t promise you I’m 100% correct, 100% of the time. But you have to concede, the guy who’s in his 30’s and has banged 140+ women probably knows more about female loyalty than a fresh-faced, doe-eyed 20 year old anonymous guy repeating catchphrases he doesn’t fully understand on an internet forum.
I’ve met many women who are loyal; as have many of my mates. Female loyalty exists. If you go into relationships expecting her to eventually ditch you, then that’s what will happen. But if you go into relationships expecting her loyalty as a bare minimum, then you’ll get that loyalty from most women. And the girls who aren’t capable of loyalty – screen them out immediately and go find girls who can be loyal.
Ultimately, it all boils down to this: Anyone who espouses, “She’s not yours, it’s just your turn” is really just scared of having his heart broken. That’s the whole point of the saying; it’s a buffer against heartache; a defense against rejection. “If I already believe she’s going to leave me, then when she does, I won’t be caught off-guard!”
I get the fear – it’s one a lot of us have. I certainly used to be terrified of girls leaving me for a really, really, really, really, really long time. It caused me to be closed off and distant with girls (I’ve talked about it here) – because I was terrified I’d let myself get close to a girl and then she’d eventually just leave me.
But living in fear is no way to live your life. Are you a coward, or are you a man? You’ve gotta just take a chance, decide you’ll give each girl 100% of everything you have to give, and throw yourself into the deep end. Yes, some girls may eventually leave you – that’s part of dating and part of life. At least if she leaves, you’ll be able to say you gave everything you had to the relationship. You’ll have closure. You’ll be left with some happy, rewarding memories and you’ll know you didn’t hold back – you were courageous enough to go all-in and risk a bit of heartbreak.
The alternative is you stick to this “She’s not yours, it’s just your turn” narrative, and you never really give all that you have to any relationships. You’ll always know you held back, you’ll always feel distant from women, and you’ll always feel like you never got to show them the real you. You’ll feel like the two of you are enemies, rather than being on the same team. And when some of those girls leave, you’ll always wonder, “If I’d tried harder… if I’d let her in, would she have wanted to keep seeing me? Did she only leave because I was closed-off and trying too hard to be an unemotional Alpha?”
It’s your life; you can do as you please. But me, I’d rather know I went balls-deep in every relationship and gave them all everything I had.
At least I’ll be able to go to my deathbed with no regrets.
Got another Red Pill saying/doctrine you’d like me to give my thoughts on, or do you have questions about some of my philosophies that contradict Red Pill philosophies? Drop a comment below and ask.