NSFW: This article contains nude pics. Everyone here is 18+. I have permission to upload these photos. Happy to remove pics/stories – contact me.
Updated Feb 2020 with suggestions from RogerRoger & thebull. Cheers guys.
Update 2022: Here’s my updated advice on performance anxiety/ED (watch from 18:30 onwards):
You’re there in the bedroom, a cute girl laying naked in front of you, super horny and dripping wet, ready to receive your man-meat. Only… your man-meat RSVP’s “Nope” to your little party, leaving you feeling limp, lame, lost and let down.
God fucking dammit.
Fear not, fellow penis-owner. Uncle Andy is here to help.
Dick issues come in two forms – your cock not being 100% hard (erectile dysfunction). And the anxiety and worrying about not being able to get fully hard (performance anxiety).
If you can get hard from porn/jerking off by yourself, but can’t keep hard when you’re with a girl, then that’s performance anxiety – you’re just nervous/psyching yourself out. Sometimes even the thought of potentially getting ED can give you ED itself. I’m speaking from experience here – I’ve made more than my fair share of anxiety about ED, and that’s lead to me not being able to perform. Even recently – as recent as a few weeks ago, I’ve psyched myself out by worrying about ED.
Sometimes it’s more crippling – sometimes we build ED up into a big monster we’re terrified of, which gives us even more anxiety/ED, and before we know it we can’t get hard with any girls.
It’s frustrating as hell – debilitating. If you can’t get an erection for a girl, it feels like, “I want her but I can’t give it to her. She’s right there, but I can’t have her.”
But you have to realise, having performance anxiety at some point is inevitable. Even after all the girls I’ve had sex with, every now and then I still sometimes get nervous. Maybe I haven’t seen a new girl in a while, so I feel rusty. Maybe this girl is crazy hot and I feel a bit of pressure to perform. Maybe I jerked off too much earlier in the day, and I’m worried my dick won’t get fully hard. Maybe I’m super tired and stressed from a long week of work, and sex is the last thing I feel like doing. Sometimes my dick just doesn’t work as well as I want it to. If you ever have anxiety or erection issues, it’s not just you.
Don’t beat yourself up about it, or think there’s something wrong with you, or think you’re less of a man. Every man’s had at least one moment where he couldn’t get it up in the bedroom – it’s normal.
And if it makes you feel any better, girls have their own insecurities and anxieties in the bedroom too. At least 50% of girls aren’t able to orgasm all that easily in front of guys without a few toys and a lot of concentration/relaxation, and a lot of them feel very insecure about it. Girls also tend to be very insecure about their bodies – ask every girl you sleep with, “Is there anything you don’t like about your body?” and she’ll give you a long list of 20 things she’s insecure about. They’re insecure about their ability to please you (sounds like the performance anxitey a lot of guys have…), insecure about if you’ll think she’s pretty, insecure about her tits (the majority of girls aren’t happy with their body – even more so for hot girls. They’re some of the most insecure).
So while you’re stressing about your ability to perform for her, remind yourself she’s stressing about her ability to perform for you. When you’re nervous, remember she’s just as nervous as you are – maybe even more so.
Enough theory – let’s not waste any time sitting around analysing your ED, figuring out why you’re having problems, or if you’re doing something wrong, or if there’s something wrong with you, etc. Fuck that shit – let’s jump straight into improving this, right fucking now.
Go through all the solutions below, trying each one one-by-one. I promise at least one of the solutions on this list will improve your anxiety/ED. You’ll get even better results if you combine multiple solutions from the list.
These are all solutions I’ve figured out myself in my past struggles with ED. All of these solutions work – I haven’t included anything I haven’t personally tried and verified myself. On my site, I only ever talk about things I have experience with.
I’ll make your dick hard, I promise. 😉 😉 😉
- Solution #1: Give Yourself Permission to Not Have Sex
- Solution #2: Cialis / Viagra
- Solution #3: Talk to her about it
- Solution #4: Accept You're Not a Sex God Yet (Don't Stress About how Good You are or how Long You Last)
- Solution #5: Do Really Kinky, Depraved Things with Her
- Solution #6: Don't Jerk Off or Watch Porn for 2-5 days
- Solution #7: Tie Her Up & Blindfold Her, then Get Yourself Hard
- Solution #8: Kegal Exercises & Edging
- Solution #9: Are You Actually into Her?
- Solution #10: Condom Tricks and Sizing
- Solution #11: Lose Weight (Even if You're Already Pretty Lean)
- Solution #12: Fix your Sleep and Reduce your Stress
- Solution #13: Don't Drink as Much Alcohol
- Solution #14: Bathmate for a Bigger Dick
- Solution #15: Have More Sex
- If None of the Above Works…
Solution #1: Give Yourself Permission to Not Have Sex
Absolutely the best solution on this list, and one I came up with myself because I’m a fucking genius. I’ve used it many times when I’ve been nervous/anxious about sex, particularly with a new chick. You tell yourself:
“She and I are not going to have sex tonight. I’m not even going to let her touch my dick – it’s off the table. We’ll do everything else; kissing, touching, I’ll finger her and go down on her, but she’s not touching my dick because it’s probably not going to be hard.”
Let’s go one step further. I forbid you from using your penis. Your dick must stay away from the action no matter what. No handjobs, no blowjobs, and especially no sex.
That’ll take all the pressure off, because there’ll be literally no pressure to perform. Sex is off the table, so who gives a shit if you can’t get a boner? You won’t be needing it tonight.
You can even keep your pants or underpants on if it makes you more comfortable. Which is fun in itself – there’s something really fun about the girl being completely naked and you still being half-dressed. It’s also a fun fantasy for a lot of women. It puts you in the position of power, where you can have fun teasing her and making her feel good, but she doesn’t get to have you… yet.
Keeping your dick out of it will also give you a great opportunity to explore other aspects of sex, and get a bit of practice with foreplay & teasing. There’s a million things you can do to have fun with a girl that doesn’t involve your dick:
- Make out and tease each other for as long as you can last, touching and caressing every part of her body except for her clit, before she finally begs you to finger her/play with her clit.
- Go down on her and eat her out (many chicks enjoy being eaten out as much as sex itself).
- Play with vibrators (I highly recommend a magic wand; read my guide on Giving Girls Mindblowing Orgasms)
- Finger her and learn where her G-spot is and how to make her squirt.
- Tease her body for ages, bringing her close to orgasm then backing off at the last second, leaving her begging for more (Do this again and again for 30 minutes and she’ll rant and rave about you to all her friends).
- Give her a massage.
- Tell her to masturbate for you, while you watch (without touching yourself). She and you will both find this incredibly erotic; it’s really fucking hot watching a girl masturbate for you while you just sit and watch her, gently encouraging her and telling her how sexy she looks. Especially if you’re there with your underwear/pants still on, while she’s exposing herself to you.
- Cuddle her and just hangout talking or watching a movie, gently playing with her tits or her body while you do.
- Grab something to use as a blindfold (use a scarf, or a piece of clothing), tie her wrists together above her head with another scarf or tie, then grab some ice cubes from the freezer and spend some time gently moving them over her body, asking her how it feels.
- Hang out and talk about sexual fantasies; get a piece of paper and write a sexual bucketlist together for you to explore later.
- Roll her over so she’s lying on her stomach, then spend some time spanking her ass with one hand while you rub her pussy with the other.
- Kiss/lick her erogenous zones to drive her crazy; nibble on her ear lobe, lick her ear, kiss and lick her hip bones.
- Grab some baby oil or massage oil and cover her in it, and cover yourself in it, then have fun sliding against each other like two sssssssslippery ssssssnakesssssss.
This is a great way to explore and get good at everything that doesn’t involve you shoving your dick in a girl. This is how I taught myself to make girls squirt, bought cool new toys, etc – by spending a lot of time experimenting and trying anything and everything I could think of.
This works so well because you’re giving yourself permission not to get an erection. You’re saying, “My biggest fear is completely ok – I accept I WON’T get an erection tonight, and that’s fine.” It fixes your immediate problem of not being able to get hard. Now you don’t have to.
The reason this is number 1 on this list is it’s by far the most effective way to handle your anxiety/ED. You need to know it’s totally ok for you to not “perform” for a girl – not use your dick – and you’ll both still have fun. Once you give yourself permission not to have sex that night – once you let yourself off the hook – all the pressure will be taken off. You can relax, and actually try to just have a good night.
You may also find by ignoring your dick for a while & just relaxing and having fun with foreplay, you start getting really hard. Hearing a girl moan, talking about sexual fantasies, making out, etc is really damn hot and often gives you an accidental boner. Hurray! But remember, you’re not allowed to use your dick tonight. Save it for next time 😉
After you see a girl a couple of times, you’ll be less nervous anyway – especially if you use this tactic as many times as you need to and do everything except sex. You’ll find because you’ve removed the expectations, at some point you’ll “accidentally” get hard because you’re not obsessing about it and pressuring yourself.
Visualise this: right now I want you to close your eyes and imagine meeting a girl and just touching her a bit, visualise making out with her, but imagine there’s no pressure to do ANYTHING with your cock. In fact, you’re not ALLOWED to do anything with your cock. As you play out that scenario in your head and really vividly imagine it, how do you feel? Does knowing your cock won’t be part of it make you feel even slightly more relaxed and less anxious? Awesome, we’re on the way to working through your performance anxiety.
You can also make this into a fun game you play with her. Frame it as, “She’s not allowed to have my penis yet.” Say it to her exactly like this: “I don’t think you’ve been good enough for my cock tonight. Next time you’ll get it, if you’re good tonight. Maybe. We’ll have to see.”
Girls absolutely love psychological play and being teased and denied like this – they love when you don’t let them have what they want. Saying “You don’t get my dick tonight, and you’ll have to be a good girl if you want it next time” will drive her absolutely fucking wild. It’ll turn into a fun game for the two of you – she’ll spend the whole night begging for your dick, “Please let me have it… please fuck me…” and you’ll spend the whole night saying, “Hmmm, you’ve been pretty good. But you’re definitely going to have to try harder – I think you need to be dirtier for me, and show me what a bad girl you can be.”
You’ll often find telling a girl she won’t be getting your cock tonight will make her start acting really filthy, as she gets so horny she can’t control herself and becomes sexually depraved. She’ll start talking filthy (even “innocent” girls get dirty if you keep depriving them of your dick). She’ll be grinding her hips, playing with herself, a look of lust coming over her face as she realises she’s lost control and just fucking wants you. Seeing a girl so insanely horny that she turns into an animal will often give you a huge boner in itself – it’s really sexy seeing someone lose control, especially if it’s something you haven’t seen in person very often. But even if you do get a boner, remember: I forbid you from using it tonight. Sorry son, you’ll have to wait til the next date to use it…
I’ve done this to many girls when I was nervous/worried about getting it up. They all loved it, many said the teasing and not being allowed to have my dick made it the hottest night of their life. Especially because I kept my pants on so they didn’t even get to see my dick, which just made them want me more. Yep, the fact you can’t get a boner can lead to the best sexual experience of her life, if you decide to make it so.
You’ll also set yourself apart – there’s a good chance you’ll be the only guy in her life who’s ever said, “Nah, I’m not going to fuck you tonight – you’ll have to wait.” Guys are normally horny little buggers and it’s damn hard for us to control ourselves. You’ll be memorable for saying no to sex and making her wait – that’s a position most girls haven’t been in all that often and it’s a huge sexual fantasy for them. If you deprive her and spend hours making her desperate for your cock, she’ll leave wanting more and will be all over you the next time.
If you’re not all that confident, you can also phrase it in a more casual (less sexual) way: “Hey, I prefer to space things out over a couple dates, rather than dive straight into sex. It’s much more fun to explore foreplay and other stuff properly first.”
Say this to her when you first get in the bedroom (when you first start making out), so she’ll know what to expect and so you’ll feel like you’re “let off the hook” – no pressure to get a boner or have to perform.
Update: One of my coaching clients mentioned he’s concerned a girl wouldn’t want to see you again if you don’t bang her when you’re in bed with her, particularly if that was the reason she came to you in the first place (ie she expected a Tinder hookup).
But that’s the thing – your dick is just your dick. It is not even remotely the most pleasurable part of sex for a girl. You fucking her doesn’t have to be the main event, and shouldn’t be if you know what you’re doing. Teasing, foreplay, fucking a girl’s mind by putting a blindfold on her, touching her body all over teasing her for an hour until she’s dripping wet & begging you to play with her pussy – that’s how you fuck a girl’s mind in a way that’ll practically guarantee she’ll come back for more.
I ask most girls I date, “What’s your favourite part of sex with me?” All of them – without exception – say, “It’s the teasing – getting me all worked up by touching me and not letting me have your dick.” Foreplay, teasing and exploration is the best part of bedroom play – not you shoving your dick in her funbox.
And if you’re worried about not being great at foreplay/touching, don’t stress – you don’t have to be great at it, as I’ll go into more detail below. When I first started getting laid, I had no idea about good foreplay, or teasing, or touching. I lost count of the number of times I was nervous – no, fucking terrified – and had to give myself permission not to have sex with the girl. I just touched them a bit, tried a few things (even though I had no idea what I was doing – I just explored). The vast majority of those girls didn’t even care that I didn’t fuck them, because they had fun exploring their body with me. They happily saw me again for another hangout.
Because although I wasn’t having sex with them, I still made sure we both had an awesome night anyway – we hung out and talked a bit, made out a lot, I fumbled with her tits and rubbed her pussy, and tried to make her cum (I rarely succeeded back then – again, I really had no idea what I was doing. If you don’t know what you’re doing, that’s totally ok – just try a few things and play around. Sex is supposed to be an experiment. It’s supposed to be fun).
If she asked why we weren’t having sex, I’d nervously stammer something like, “I want to take my time and not rush”. We’d fool around some more, I’d walk her back to the train station, and text her after, “I had fun”.
Guess what? Even without doing anything special, even with my lackluster sexual prowess, almost all of those girls saw me again. Most girls are happy to see you again if you put a bit of effort into trying to make the night fun. You don’t have to be amazing, you don’t have to go out of your way to be her Best Lay Ever™. You just have to experiment and have a bit of fun making her (and yourself!) feel good in ways that don’t involve your dick.
I promise, if the girl likes you (and she already likes you if she’s gotten naked with you), she’ll see you again.
Solution #2: Cialis / Viagra
Note: In rare cases, these two pills can have side effects such as headaches, nosebleeds, etc. Speak to your doctor first before taking them, and start on a very low dose (1/4th of a pill) the first time to gauge your tolerance. Medical disclaimer: None of this is medical advice, I’m only telling you my experiences.
I’m going to call them “C” and “V” for the rest of the article, so Google doesn’t punish me for talking about dick pills like a spammer :p
The reason “C” (generic name: Tadalafil) and “V” (generic name: Sildenafil) are so high on my list is they work. I’ve used both of them myself many times – hundreds of times. Sometimes because I know I’ll have some performance issues; but most of the time it’s because having a super-hard dick is just so much fun.
Now, I know what you’re thinking. “But Andy, only decrepit old men use “V”!” Well, dick pills aren’t just to help your grandaddy poke your grandmumy. I’m 32 (as of 2020) and I’ve been using “C”/”V” on and off since I was around 28. Plenty of my friends and clients have experimented with “C” & “V” too.
I’m all for using one of them in emergencies, or temporarily to show yourself that it’s possible to get erections. A lot of guys psyche themselves out and start believing they’ll never be able to get a full erection in front of a girl. Which just leads to more anxiety, which leads to more erectile dysfunction. Taking a bit of “C” or “V” gives them that 100% boner they’ve never had, and they realise, “Holy shit, it IS possible for me to get a full boner with a girl. If I can get one with a pill, maybe I can get one on my own.” And boom, the worst of their performance anxiety goes away.
“C” and “V” are the shit. They don’t give you a spontaneous erection out of nowhere, but they make the “barrier to entry” way lower. When I take “C”/”V” , I get hard as soon as a girl holds my hand in public, and the boner comes on much quicker (within 5 seconds). Little things like your girl smiling at you can make you hard, or the scent of her hair, or even hearing her voice. It’s fun as hell. They make you feel much more confident because you know, “Even if I’m nervous as hell, the pill will still give me an erection.” It’s a nice safety net.
You’ll also stay harder much longer – hours and hours (if you’re still receiving stimulation). If you’re one of the guys that can get an erection but it just doesn’t hold for as long as you’d like, “C” and “V” will help with that. Obviously, after you cum, you’ll lose your erection, but you’ll find it comes back quicker and you’re ready for round 2 a lot quicker.
And the most fun part of all: your erection will be at 120% strength. It’ll feel harder than it’s ever felt before, like a steel rod. You’ll grip it with your hand and squeeze as hard as you can, and there’ll be no “give” (no squishiness) – it literally feels like a stiff piece of metal. It also won’t go soft as easily (unless you stop all sexual activity, then it will).
Which leads to sex feeling so much better because your dick actually feels more sensitive because it’s so damn big and hard. You’ll feel every crevice of her pussy as you fuck her, your dick rubbing up against the sides. A blowjob feels 10 times better than normal because your dick will throb even harder than usual.
Some guys have a lot of resistance or even a blockage when it comes to trying “C” or “V” :
“I don’t need a pill, that’d be admitting I can’t get it up and I’m not a man.”
You’ve got to drop the fucking ego. You literally CAN’T get it up, dipstick – that’s why you’re reading this article. Either keep your ego, or keep an erection. Pick one.
I’ve had sex with a pretty high number of girls, and I use “C”. Male porn stars use “V”. If it’s good enough for us to use, it’s good enough for you to use.
“C” and “V” both come in different dosages, but no matter what dosage pills you have: the first time you try it, take one-quarter of a pill to gauge your tolerance. The next time, try half a pill. That’s usually enough to get your dick rock hard. You can experiment with a full pill later if you like, but there’s diminishing returns with taking more (and a slightly increased chance of getting a side effect like headaches).
“C”: The pills I have are 20mg pills, and I usually take half a pill (10mg) of “C” which makes me ultra hard. A full 20mg pill does work a little better (even stronger erections and kicks in faster) but I don’t really need it. Highest I’ve ever tried was 40mg (2 pills) – definitely made me even harder and the effects came on even quicker, but it’s not necessary. Seriously, I always stick to 10mg of “C” and that’s always been more than good enough. There’s no need to go crazy high.
“V”: The pills I’ve used are 50mg pills. Again, half a pill (25mg) is enough for me. A full pill (50mg) is stronger, and 2 pills (100mg) is even stronger, but 150mg gave me a very very very slight light-headed feeling that went away after 20minutes. I always stick to 25mg of “V”.
You’ll have to experiment a bit with timing, as everyone is slightly different. For me personally, I take “C” 3 hours before sex or “V” 1 hr before sex for maximum effect. If I’m in a pinch and can’t wait that much time, “C” still works 1hr before sex and “V” 30min before sex, but they won’t be nearly as potent when you start having sex.
“C”‘ effects will last for ages – even 6 hours after I take it, I still feel the benefits. “V” lasts much less – about 2 or 3 hours after I take it.
I always carry a “C” pill in my wallet at all times. If I’m at work or something and a girl messages me wanting to meet up, and I think there’s a chance I’ll need a little boost or I just want to be super hard so I can fuck her for hours, then I’ve got it on hand. I’ll work out how long before the date I need to take it: “C” I usually take 3 hours before I meet up with her (but anywhere from 2-6 hours works well for me). “V” I’ll take 1 hour before a date (but anywhere from 1hr-2hrs works well for me).
Even just having it on hand will help you a tonne. Just knowing you could take it if you need it alleviates a lot of the pressure and nerves; you often find you don’t end up needing to take any at all.
You can even take the “C”/”V” during sex, if you’re having issues. If you start messing around with a girl and realise you can’t get hard, just take a “V” and then just kill 30 minutes while you wait for it to take effect. With “C”, kill an hour or an hour and a half. Just play with her, fool around, go down on her and make her feel good – or cuddle and talk while you wait.
You probably don’t want to use “C”/”V” every time you have sex, or you’ll start feeling like you need it and can’t have sex without it. Which might lead to anxiety if you ever have to go without it.
I personally use it about 1 in every 3 times I see a new girl. I use it less for girls I see regularly – about 1 in every 4 times. Mostly because it makes the sex way more fun for all the reasons listed above. It’s cool as hell having a big raging 120% erection for 2 hours. But I don’t let myself need it, and I’ve gone long periods of several months in a row where I don’t have any at all.
If you use it the way I do and don’t use it every single time you have sex, you won’t build up any sort of dependence or tolerance. It’s supposed to be there as a boost when you need it, or a crutch to help you get over your nerves/anxiety if you’re inexperienced, or as a recreational toy every now and then. Just don’t treat it like a mandatory requirement and you’ll be fine.
Which one to pick?
My recommendation and the one I use now is “C”, simply because it lasts longer. Take it 2-3 hours before you plan on having sex (take it before your date if you like). Once it kicks in, you’ll feel the benefits for another 4 or so hours, so you’ve got a nice big window in which to have sex.
It means you can take it and then relax, knowing you’ve got plenty of time in which to have sex, without needing to stick to any sort of particular timing schedule. Because you have such a large window, you know you’ll be covered whenever you do actually have sex. That’ll take a lot of the pressure off (with “V”, you have to really know when you’re going to have sex – or take it as soon as you’re about to have sex, and then kill 30-60mins while you wait). For me, “C” is “set and forget” – I take it and then don’t have to worry about my dick at all.
The only potential downside of “C” (and its not too much of a downside) is you’ll have to plan to take it – you can’t take it 30min before sex like you can with “V”. But you can just take it whenever you think you might have sex with a girl (even if you’re not 100% sure), and if you don’t end up having sex, you’ve only wasted half a pill.
The one thing “V” really has going for it is how quickly it kicks in – so if you’re in the bedroom about to have sex and realise you can’t get a boner, you can excuse yourself, go into the bathroom and take a pill out of your wallet, eat it and then just kill time with her for 30 minutes while you wait for it to kick in. You can’t do that as easily with “C” – you’ll have to kill 1-1.5 hours. But again, take half a “C” pill 2-3 hours before you even think you might have sex and you won’t have this issue.
Where to get them:
There’s several ways to get “C” or “V”. Go see a doctor/GP and tell them you can’t get it up because of severe anxiety, and just want to try half a pill at a time as a little boost until you feel more confident and less anxious. In the USA/Australia/UK/probably most other countries, you can buy it from online pharmacies. Just make sure it’s legal in your country, and remember I’m not condoning you doing anything that’s against the law.
Get the generic versions – the generic version of “C” is Tadalafil, and the generic version of “V” is called Sildenafil. Generic versions are much cheaper and do exactly the same thing (even the dosage/potency is exactly the same). They are literally the same pill, just not sold under a brand name.
Solution #3: Talk to her about it
It’s not rocket science: If you have anxiety about having sex with a girl, tell her. It’ll take all the pressure off your shoulders, and she’ll be able to help you work through it (rather than it being something you have to stress about completely on your own, feeling like it’s a shameful secret you’re terrified she might find out). Being honest is the answer to most of your problems, particularly when it comes to the pressure to be perfect.
I absolutely promise you most girls won’t care that you’re having dick problems – I speak from personal experience, and the experience of quite a few of my clients who’ve taken my advice and been honest about it.
If I ever can’t get it up, I just point it out to the girl and say, “I’m a bit tired” or “I think I jerked off too much” or “I’m probably a bit nervous”. Hell, here’s a text I sent one of my girls just 4 weeks ago after I couldn’t get it up (I was super tired and had drank a lot, which messes with my dick):
Don’t feel ashamed about it, and don’t let it be the end of your night. Tell her, “I guess I’m nervous or some shit. Let’s do other stuff though – I really want to go down on you and eat you out.” As I listed in Solution #1 above, there’s plenty of other things you can do that don’t involve your dick. Fool around, make her feel good, hangout and talk – make the night an awesome night, even though your dick wasn’t fully present.
You’ll find if you’re honest and still hangout with her/fool around with her even though you don’t have a boner, she’ll be really damn sweet about it and won’t mind at all. I promise.
Look, I get that it’s potentially an awkward topic to bring up, but don’t you dare feel ashamed or beat yourself up over something that isn’t really your fault. Besides, shame is not sexy and it’s your shame/self-loathing that’ll put the girl off; not the fact you couldn’t get it up. It’s not a big deal if you don’t make it a big deal.
Girls get nervous in the bedroom too… you have NO idea. They’re fucking terrified of doing a bad job, not being hot enough for you, you thinking she’s fat (even if she’s skinny), not knowing how to give a great blowjob, etc. Even the hottest girls get nervous during sex. It just doesn’t manifest in such an obvious way like your boner, so you don’t realise it. Girls completely understand that guys get nervous & have issues too; they don’t expect you to be perfect. You’re the one expecting yourself to be perfect; she has no such expectations.
I have had so many conversations with girls about their past experiences with guys who couldn’t get it up. And all of them made it abundantly clear they did not care that the guy couldn’t get it up. They just wanted to spend the night with him, fool around, explore each other, have fun. Most of them worried they were doing something wrong or weren’t hot enough and were the reason he wasn’t able to get it up. They absolutely were not thinking, “This guy sucks for not getting it up.”
In cases where the guy got really frustrated and ashamed, THAT was the turnoff. Mostly because it pushes the girl away; she’s there being supportive and saying, “I don’t mind at all, I promise” and you’re literally ignoring what she’s saying to you because you’re too much in your own head. She can’t get through to you, she starts thinking, “I feel so bad but he’s not even listening to me; we’re not on the same team.” Do you think she’s going to be excited to see someone again who pushed her away during a vulnerable moment?
So just tell her you’re nervous and having trouble, but want to try other stuff. Then go nuts exploring all the other aspects of sex/intimacy/hanging out. The next day, you’ll find she respects you a hell of a lot more for being man enough to confide in her. Because that takes balls, and most guys shy away from truly opening up and trusting girls.
Solution #4: Accept You’re Not a Sex God Yet (Don’t Stress About how Good You are or how Long You Last)
Similar to the first solution, a lot of guys drive themselves crazy by stressing that they’re not super experienced at sex, cum too quickly, don’t know how to make a girl orgasm, etc.
You’ve gotta chill the hell out and realise it’s totally ok to not be great at sex at the start. I sure as hell had no idea what I was doing; the only way you figure it out is with practice. You’ve got to give yourself permission not to be good at sex, and not to last for ages. If you’re insecure or unconfident about your ability to give a girl a good poking, or if you don’t tend to last longer than a minute or two, that can put a lot of pressure on yourself and lead to anxiety.
Guys tend to have pretty screwed up ideas around what constitutes good sex. Being able to get an erection is wrapped up in “being a real man”, etc. Same goes for lasting a long time – “I’m not a real man because I could only last 3 minutes!” All of that is bullshit; good sex is you and the girl connecting (liking each other), and having plenty of foreplay. You don’t even have to be good at foreplay; you just have to try a few things with her, experiment with her, ask what she likes, tell her the things you like, and figure it out together. That’s literally it.
You can’t expect yourself to always be perfect at everything all the time. If you worry that you’re shit in bed, the pressure you put on yourself can lead to anxiety. Especially if you worry you can’t satisfy a girl properly, worry you cum too quickly, etc.
Sex is supposed to be you having fun, not some performance you have to put on to impress her.
You can get around the premature ejaculation “problem” (not that it’s really a problem – most girls don’t care) by just having plenty of foreplay before you bang. Tease her, touch her all over, drive her wild. One thing I love doing is covering a girl in baby oil/massage oil and rubbing her body for a while (especially her tits and pussy) – it makes them look incredibly sexy when they’re all slick with oil, and it makes them feel sexy too.
Go down on her, finger her, play with some toys if you have them – take your time with her. Do everything except use your dick in any way. By the time you actually put your penis in her, she’ll want you to cum quickly, because you’ve been driving her so crazy & building it up for so long. If you only last 30 seconds, she’ll love that – because you spent 30 minutes teasing her beforehand.
Good sex is more in the foreplay than the actual sex. It’s about teasing, and making her wait to get what she wants.
And that’s the point – cumming quickly is a good thing (if you’ve had plenty of fun foreplay). Girls get really fucking turned on by you cumming very quickly if you’re not ashamed of it. Tell her, “Holy shit, you’re gonna make me cum already, you’re so fucking sexy I can’t help myself.” Watch her eyes light up with lust as she realises how much she’s turning you on. Nothing makes a girl happier than knowing you find her so irresistible you literally can’t control yourself and can’t hold off.
Lasting a long time isn’t sexy. Passion is sexy.
Focus on taking as long as you can to tease the girl, instead of focusing on “I need to put my penis inside her”. Focus on her and My guess is that focusing on taking as long as I could teasing the girl, instead of focusing on when she will be ready so I can put my penis inside her was the actual game changer. Thebull over on the GoodLookingLoser Forums had a lot of success following this advice. He says: “This time I was so focused on the teasing, and it lasted so long, and it was so fun that it completely took my mind off my PE issues.”
Distracting yourself by just focusing on teasing/foreplay really can be all it takes to fix your ED/nervousness.
On another note, if you’re feeling any other sort of pressure, it can dampen your erection. Eg, a girl saying “We only have 15 minutes so we have to hurry” is pressure and can turn your hard rod into a floppy noodle. Same if you think the girl is “too hot for me”. Or if you’re inexperienced. Anything can be perceived as pressure that can lead to anxiety/erection problems. The trick is to let yourself off the hook and say, “I’m allowed to be bad at this.”
It’s ok not to be a sex god.
Solution #5: Do Really Kinky, Depraved Things with Her
Truth time: vanilla sex can be a little boring sometimes. If you’re not super horny and not all that fussed about banging a particular girl, that can manifest itself as a less-than-stellar erection. Oftentimes, spicing it up a bit invigorates you & injects some life into your pecker.
I’ve seen a few girls that I wasn’t crazy attracted to, so I helped get myself into the mood for lovin’ by thinking up some wild, kinky shit to do with them.
Think of it as a great opportunity to explore your sexual bucketlist. It’s much easier to do kinky shit with a girl you’re only half-into, because you won’t stress so much about putting her off with all your crazy fetishes, you sick fuck. 😉 If a less-than-perfect girl is turned off by your fantasies, that’s fine – you won’t feel like you’ve really lost much (no offence to the girl).
Exploring your fantasies allows you to get turned on by the fantasy itself – even if the girl isn’t super hot. She’ll get super turned on by it too, and turned on by the fact you’re turned on. Often just seeing her in pleasure and turned on will make you rock hard and ready to go ploughing.
If you’re struggling to think up any fun fantasies you’d like to try, I’ve written a comprehensive list of every facet of sex and kinks you could imagine. Go nuts.
Some examples of things I’ve done with girls to get myself really hard:
- I’ve jerked off on girls while I’m thinking really dirty thoughts, telling them to rub their pussy and moan for me (hearing a girl moan is usually more than enough to get you hard).
- I’ve had plenty of anal sex with girls (read my How to Have Anal Sex guide)
- I’ve told girls to tell me what they want me to do to them – hearing a girl talk dirty to you is a very big turnon.
- I’ve gone into the bathroom/toilet and thought of some really kinky shit while stroking myself until I’m hard, then go back into the bedroom and banged the shit out of her.
- I tell them to call me Sir, Daddy, etc to get me really horny.
- I use my ultra-powerful vibrator on them; nothing turns you on quite like a woman screaming in orgasm.
- I’ve had sex with girls in public, with the excitement of trying not to get caught pumping plenty of blood into my sausage.
Come up with your own turnons; go nuts and think of the most filthy, depraved, kinky shit you can. Then try some of them whenever you’re not 100% raging hard. They’re like cheat codes to get you stiff and ready for action.
Solution #6: Don’t Jerk Off or Watch Porn for 2-5 days
If you’re a horndog like me, this can be hard to manage; not jerking off for a few days can be hell. But it’s bloody helpful – nothing lifts your libido (and your sausage) like going 3+ days without jerkin’ your gerkin. Especially if you’ve been jerking off to porn (which itself is a known libido killer, because it’s so overstimulating).
Go 2 days without jerking off and you’ll be walking around with a boner half the day. Go 5 days without jerking off and you’ll wanting to grind against anything that moves. You’ll also shoot more cum the longer you wait, so you can have fun blasting her in the face with your love syrup.
I used to have a really bad porn addiction when I was younger; it was so bad I would regularly watch for 8+ hours a day and do absolutely nothing else with my day. That lead to all sorts of fucked up erectile dysfunction with girls – it’s hard to get a boner when you know there’s infinite numbers of much hotter girls on the internet. I also had no motivation to talk to girls or try to get laid (or do anything, really) – why would I need to when porn was on hand (pun intended) 24/7?
My addiction is mostly under control these days, but I still struggle at times. If I jerk off to porn too many days in a row, my dick starts only getting 80% hard… sometimes less. I also find I’m much less motivated to have sex with girls I’m seeing, because I’m less horny overall. And when I do have sex, it’s harder to keep fully 100% hard, because the sex itself is less stimulating because my dick is less sensitive. I fix all of this by going just a day or two without jerking, and suddenly I can get 100% hard again, like a steel rod.
These days I regularly force myself not to jerk off or look at porn for a few days per week (I have 3 designated days I’m not allowed to jerk off), because it makes life so much more fun. I’m insanely horny, insanely motivated to hit the gym/write/work on myself/jump on Tinder and find new girls/have wild sex with girls I’m already seeing/etc. If I jerk off too much, life just feels a bit “meh” – like I have no reason to push myself with anything.
If you watch porn (let’s be honest, most guys do), have a crack at not watching it for a few days. Don’t jerk off or touch your cock either. If you fail, don’t stress; just try again, and keep trying until you can go a few days without it.
If you’re really struggling, just keep yourself really busy and schedule as many things as you can – don’t give yourself any alone time where you could potentially jerk off.
See what it does to your libido, your erections, and your motivation to go out and talk to more girls. You’ll likely be so horny your cock will be throbbing and ready to slide into her funbox.
Solution #7: Tie Her Up & Blindfold Her, then Get Yourself Hard
I’ve got a guide on using blindfolds to counter your nervousness here: Blindfolds; The Secret Cheat Code for When You’re Nervous.
I’ve done this quite a few times in the past in the past, when I ran into performance issues: If I wasn’t able to get hard, I’d quickly go pop a “C”/”V”, and then tie her up and blindfold her so she can’t see what’s going on – and can’t see the fact I’m not hard. Then I’d take my time exploring her body while I wait for the pill to take effect, making her feel good – all while gently stroking my semi-hard cock.
If you don’t have ropes/blindfolds, buy this BDSM starter kit (affiliate link – I use that site to buy most of my toys). Or just grab a few ties (neck ties) or scarves, and tie up her wrists, then tie another over her eyes.
Having her blindfolded and tied up means you won’t feel any embarrassment from not being hard (she won’t be able to see that you’re soft). She also won’t be able to reach out and try to grab your dick, because her arms are restrained. And you’ll often find it you just keep gently stroking yourself with one hand while playing with her pussy with your other hand, after 10 minutes of stroking you’ll start getting hard. (Especially because seeing her tied up and moaning for you is very erotic). Then you can quickly throw on a condom and start pounding away.
If you took a “C” or “V” pill as well, then even if her being tied up & blindfolded doesn’t make you hard, it’s a good time-killing activity while you wait for the pill to take effect.
Solution #8: Kegal Exercises & Edging
Ever heard of the pelvic floor muscles? They serve a few purposes, including controlling your bladder as well as your erections and ejaculations. When you feel that “contraction” feeling as you orgasm, that’s your pelvic floor muscles flexing.
Building up your pelvic floor muscles gives you several superpowers:
- Much stronger erections.
- The ability to hold off and stop your orgasm/ejaculation, even when you’re literally right on the edge of cumming.
- The ability to make your dick “bounce” up and down if you have very strong pelvic floor muscles.
- You’ll shoot your cum much further and harder, and there’ll be a little more of it.
- You can flex your pelvic floor muscles to pump blood into your cock, making you go from soft to hard much quicker than normal.
- Get them super strong, and you can even have multiple male orgasms (I’ll publish an article on that soon).
For now, let’s focus on the benefits for your erections.
Building up your pelvic floor muscles is pretty easy, if you do what’s known as kegal exercises. Good Looking Loser has a guide on kegal exercises. Go read that now; it’ll also tell you how to find your pelvic floor muscles, and how to flex them.
However, the way I like to do it is much more fun and not a chore/exercise you have to do. But first, a bit of backstory:
As I mentioned above, when I was younger I used to watch porn – a lot of porn. Hours and hours a day, in fact. That entire time, I’d be doing what’s known as “edging” – jerking off but stopping right before I actually came, and then waiting about 20 or 30 seconds so the “I’m about to cum” feeling passed. Then I’d resume jerking off a bit more, again stopping right before I came. Every time I did this, I’d be squeezing my pelvic floor muscles like crazy, as this would stop the orgasm from happening.
Over the months I built up a really fucking strong set of pelvic floor muscles, and even 10 years later I can flex them and make my cock bounce up and down pretty violently. Cool party trick. It’s meant I can keep an erection for a really long time by keeping my pelvic floor muscles tensed during sex. I’m also able to have multiple orgasms in a row, I can hold off and stop myself from cumming with very little effort, and I can flex and make my cock throb and jerk inside a girl’s pussy, which always REALLY turns them on.
I wouldn’t advise you whip your pants off and browse to Pornhub, though. I was clearly very addicted to porn, and it very nearly ruined my life. I became a shut-in, developed severe agoraphobia (fear of going outside) and had literally zero friends. It became a very dark and extremely unhealthy time in my life – I was suicidal daily. It took a lot of counselling, antidepressants, and sex addiction group therapy to get me to a place where I was even remotely ok.
There’s a much more healthy way to build up your pelvic floor muscles with edging: you can do the same thing without the porn – just practice jerking off in the shower or in your bed, stopping right before you cum and flexing your pelvic floor muscles. (Read the Good Looking Loser Kegal Guide if you’re not sure how to flex them).
Or even more fun, do what I do:
Every time you have sex or get a blowjob, practice stopping right before you’re about to cum.
Literally just stop (pullout), start flexing your pelvic floor muscles like crazy, as hard as you possibly can. Don’t touch your dick and don’t let her touch it either; any stimulation might send you over the edge, and we’re trying to avoid that. If she asks what you’re doing, just say, “Holy fuck, you almost made me cum, but I really want to hold off because I’m enjoying this way too fucking much.” (This is word-for-word what I say when girls ask me).
Then go back to gentle stuff with her like kissing, sucking on her tits, playing with her pussy and teasing her for about a minute. After the minute is up, go back to sex, and then right when you’re going to cum again, stop, flex your pelvic floor muscles as hard as possible, and again go back to something more gentle.
Girls love this shit, by the way. There’s nothing sexier than the rollercoaster of fucking her for 30 seconds as hard and fast as you can, like a caveman possessed and overcome with lust… then stopping and teasing her gently, letting her catch her breath as she desperately begs you for more, then pounding her again, then stopping… girls go absolutely fucking wild for this.
Keep doing this for as long as you can. At some point you’ll “fail” and accidentally cum (I can’t hold off forever – nobody can). It’s completely fine if the first few times you fail every single time. Over time with practice you’ll get much better at squeezing your pelvic floor muscles hard to hold back your orgasm, and you’ll be able to do the stop-start routine 20 or 30 times over the course of an hour or two before you finally fail and cum.
Congratulations! You’ve trained your pelvic floor muscles to become much stronger. You’ll likely notice this ends up giving you much stronger erections by default (without you having to do anything). And they’ll be even stronger if you flex your pelvic floor muscles hard every minute or so to pump more blood into your cock.
You can also flex your pelvic floor muscles hard during sex, and it makes your dick “throb” really hard. Girls fucking LOVE it when it’s inside them, and if you stop moving and just lay still, and flex it, she’ll always ask, “How the hell are you doing that? I can feel your dick throbbing like it’s a heart beating!” Just say some cheesy shit like, “That’s because you make my heart beat for you, baby” and bam! She’ll fall in love and give you all her money or something.
Solution #9: Are You Actually into Her?
Many a married man has issues getting a full erection, and never in a million years would he think, “Oh wait. It’s probably because my wife looks like a dumpster fire and weighs more than a small rhino.” All the willpower in the world can’t get your dick to full plumpness if the girl you’re with is herself at full plumpness.
It’s not just married men out there banging slump-busters, of course. I’m a big proponent of lowering your standards in order to get laid if you’re a newbie, but if the girl you’re about to sleep with is so unattractive/overweight you literally can’t even imagine having sex with her without feeling a little grossed out, then you shouldn’t be surprised if you don’t get a full chub.
I’ve been in that situation plenty of times, and have combatted it with a variety of tricks. Go hard with the sexual fantasies; really go crazy trying out your wildest, most depraved fetishes with her. Focus on her best body part – if she has great tits, focus on them. If she’s got a big ass, focus on that. If she’s got a cute face, imagine her lips on your cock. You can also pop a “C”/”V”, to get you to full mast.
If you’ve tried fantasising doing kinky things with her, tried “C” or “V”, and still aren’t excited by the idea of seeing her naked, then perhaps she’s just not your cup of tea. Sometimes you can’t make yourself be into somebody, no matter how hard you try. Best thing to do is end things amicably (here’s my guide on that) and find a girl you’re much more attracted to.
If the only girls you can get aren’t super attractive, then the issue is you. Lose weight if you’re fat, overhaul your fashion/style, hit the gym and pack on some muscle, and make yourself a cooler, more awesome dude. Read everything I wrote in my Tinder guide.
In a similar vein, sometimes a girl will have such a horrible personality you feel put off by it. You’re super attracted to her but she’s just a shitty person, or is super bossy, or really rude, or mean to strangers, etc. Maybe she’s crazy, or impulsive, or dangerous. You want to fuck her, but there’s something inside you saying, “Nah, I shouldn’t stick your penis in her.” In those cases, you’ll lose your erection (or not get one in the first place). I’ve been there too – if you really don’t like the girl as a person, then cut things off and end it.
Solution #10: Condom Tricks and Sizing
A lot of guys can get a full erection, but once they put a condom on, they lose it. Condoms reduce sensation, and some guys just can’t keep their dicky stiff when they sheath up.
But here’s something even more awesome: I’ve got a secret condom trick for you. Put one drop of water-based lube in the inside of the condom or on the head of your dick. Make sure it’s water-based lube. Other lubes can damage the condom and render it useless. Don’t use too much (or the condom may slip off); literally just a single drop. Then put the condom on like normal.
During sex the lube will feel amazing on your cock, allowing it to slide a little and fixing that dryness issue you have with most condoms. With the right lube, it feels pretty damn close to not wearing a condom at all, and the increased sensations help you keep your erection if condoms are an issue for you. I do this every single time I put a condom on.
You can also use thin condoms (affiliate link) (also known as “bareskin” condoms) to increase the sensitivity and keep you hard.
If after trying thin condoms and my lube trick you still can’t stay hard in a condom (but have no trouble staying hard without one), your condom may be too small.
Story time: Gather round, kids. I’m going to tell you the story of how I lost my virginity.
You see, I was but a naive young 19 year old lad, living with my girlfriend at the time. We were both each other’s firsts, and we decided we wanted to fully explore foreplay, teasing, oral, fingering, handjobs and blowjobs, etc – and leave the sex until we’d done everything else. We spent about 3 months exploring each other’s bodies, trying everything we could think of, getting good at eating pussy, blowjobs, 69’ing, etc – until we decided it was time to smash our organs together.
I went to the store and bought some condoms, and thinking myself somewhat of a genius I thought, “I should buy the smallest size condoms possible, because then it’ll be tighter and feel better! I’m so wise!” I went back home, we turned off the lights and made out, dry humping for about 30 minutes. When neither of us could take any more, I got out a condom, examined it like it was some cryptic puzzle (I’d literally never held one before), and tried putting it on.
Only, I couldn’t get the fucking thing on. It just wouldn’t go over my dick. I tried stretching it until it ripped, and then I tried with a second condom which also ripped. She tried with a 3rd condom, which also ripped. Confused, we knew we must be doing something wrong… but we were both so innocent (retarded) that we didn’t even consider: maybe the condom is too small.
We had the bright idea to both try stretching it at the same time, so she held one side of the condom open while I stretched the other, and we managed to get it over my cock (but only about halfway down). It was incredibly tight, squeezing my dick and cutting off all the circulation (my dick went a bit purple/blue), and guess what happened? My dick went down like the Titanic.
I tried putting my dick in her pussy, which was the weirdest sensation ever – the top half of my cock was still hard (the condom had restricted the blood flow and kept it hard) but the bottom half of my cock was floppy. After 5 minutes of trying we gave up, frustrated, and I assumed maybe I had erectile dysfunction because I was nervous or something.
Now, a smart fellow would realise the issue was with the condom. But not I, and not my girlfriend. We tried again the next night, and the next – we tried for weeks. A few times I could get it in, but it felt horrible – no sensation, completely numb. Eventually we completely gave up, and we were both fucking heartbroken. We both figured we’d been lied to – “Holy shit, have the world and advertising and movies and all our friends been lying about how good sex feels? This feels fucking shit, why has everyone said sex is amazing???”
Heartbroken and dejected, we just focused on other things in our relationship – fingering, oral, blowjobs. All of that felt amazing, and we longed for sex… but alas, it wasn’t meant for us. We didn’t even try sex without condoms, because we never for a second guessed the issue was with the condoms – we just thought, “Sex itself doesn’t feel good, and everyone’s been lying to us our whole lives.”
…Until months later when I randomly saw a box of extra large condoms at the supermarket. On a whim I decided to buy them, thinking, “Maybe they’ll feel slightly better and we could have another crack at that sex thing.” I took them home, surprised my girlfriend with them, and guess what? SEX FELT FUCKING AMAZING.
My erection didn’t go down, I was rock hard and horny the entire time, and I felt like I’d finally come of age.
You may laugh at this story, and think, “I’m not an idiot like you, Andy. I know what size condoms to wear.” But you’d be surprised how many guys lose their erections when they put on a condom, because the damn thing is too tight. I’ve even had a few of my clients who’ve had the exact same issue I did with a condom that was too small – and as soon as I suggest trying a large or extra large condom, they come back to me as if I’ve given them the answer to all of life’s problems.
Try a condom that’s one size larger than you normally get (condoms have the diameter written on the side of the box), and, combined with me lube trick, see if you enjoy sex more and stay harder for longer.
Update: A few people have asked me how to find the right sized condom. I can’t tell you which size to buy without seeing your dick (no, that’s not permission to send me dick pics) – so the best way will be for you to try a bunch of condom brands and sizes until you find the one you like the best.
In my country (Australia), sizes are listed in mm on the side of the boxes. I just experimented with a bunch of different brands and sizes until I found one that feels the best. Different brands also have different feels even with the same sizing, so this really is a case of “try a few and see which one feels the most pleasurable”.
To experiment, grab 1 condom, use my lube trick (1 drop of lube in the condom), put it on your dick, and try jerking off a bit. (Note: don’t do this in the store; wait til you get home). See if it’s better or worse than other condoms you’ve used. You can also try it during sex – just be careful if it’s a larger condom than you’ve tried before. Make sure it doesn’t slip off and is still tight enough to protect you. To be extra safe, don’t cum in your girl if you’re not 100% sure the fit is good – you don’t want any of your little spermies leaking out. I promise to never use the phrase “little spermies” ever again.
If you’re in the USA, condom sizes are a bit weird. Not every brand lists measurements on the box, and there’s no universal size between brands – a “large” in one brand is an “average” in another brand. This handy guide goes into way more depth and has sizing charts for lots of different condom brands:
Even that in-depth guide ends by saying the same thing I’m saying. “To help you find the right size, you may need to try several different types or styles of condoms before finding the one that provides you with the most comfort or best fit.”
You can also buy “condom assortment packs” – they’ll have a bunch of different sizes. But as with many aspects of self-improvement, this will be one of those things you have to experiment and find what works for you. As Morpheus said to Neo in The Matrix:
Solution #11: Lose Weight (Even if You’re Already Pretty Lean)
If you’re overweight – even just a tiny bit – it’ll be hindering your ability to get an erection. Not just from slightly lower testosterone levels, but from something you likely didn’t think about:
The fatter you are, the lower the quality of girl you can sleep with.
I’ll say that again, because if you’re anything but lean, you absolutely need to hear this:
The bigger you are, the less attractive girls you’ll end up banging.
And as I mentioned above, less attractive girls are less likely to give you a raging boner – it’s hard to get it up for a girl you’re not really super crazy about. Whereas sexy, hot girls make you so hard you tear a hole in your pants instantly, and there’s no way you’re easily explaining that one to your mum.
Most guys drastically overestimate how attractive they are, and drastically underestimate how much weight they could benefit from losing. “I’m fairly attractive, maybe I could benefit from losing 1 or 2kgs”. In reality, most guys could easily lose 10kg (22lbs) and still not be lean enough to see their abs. Go out and lose 5kg (just follow my guide; I was able to lose 35kg), and see what difference it makes in the quality of girl you’re able to attract.
Even if you’re already fairly lean, unless you have abs, you would benefit massively from slimming down. Speaking from personal experience here; every 5kg of fat you lose roughly doubles the number of girls who show interest in you, and the average attractiveness of those girls also increases.
If you’re obese, this advice is even more pertinent. Being a massive fatty can ruin your erection quality, bigtime. Obesity causes reduced blood flow, lower energy levels and less testosterone in general, all of which will fuck with your dicky. Low testosterone is a huge erection and libido killer, and “being overweight is the number one risk factor for a man having low testosterone levels” – source. And let’s be real, if you’re obese, no attractive girls are taking any interest in you, sexually speaking. Maybe your wallet, maybe your “winning personality”, but not your meatrod.
If I can do it, you can do it too.
So even if you’re average and not super fat: If you don’t have abs, lose weight. It should be your number 1 priority. You want hotter girls, right? Then start losing weight right now.
Solution #12: Fix your Sleep and Reduce your Stress
Lack of sleep completely fucks me up, and crushes my erections. This year I’ve finally made a concerted effort to make sleep a priority and I sleep 8 hours a night most nights. Anything less than 6 hours sleep and my dick doesn’t seem to work as well. Anything less than 4 and my dick (and my brain, and my body) are entirely useless. Over the years I’ve figured out how to sleep better, and it’s done wonders for my life (and my cock).
If you’re lacking in the sleep department, try getting 8 hours sleep a night for 3 nights in row. See how much that improves your life, and your penile fortitude.
Same goes for stress in my life. If something is stressing me out, or even if I just have a big work project coming up, I tend to get in my own head and ruminate about the stress/project. Which means during sex I’m distracted and not focusing on the sex itself. Which, of course, can make you lose your erection.
If you’re super stressed, you’ve absolutely gotta fix that, as your number 1 priotity. I’m serious; drop everything and reduce your stress, immediately.
- Take a day off and chill out.
- Cut out the people in your life who are stressing you out.
- If you’re juggling too many responsibilities, get rid of one or two of them. It’s much easier to have one or two main goals you go 100% all in on, rather than trying to work on 15 simultaneous goals.
- Declutter your apartment/room; chuck out a bunch of stuff you don’t need and live a little more minimalistically.
- If something in your life is making you deeply unhappy, fix it immediately. Talk to your friends/family about it, go to counselling, join an internet forum and ask for help; whatever it takes to fix it.
It’s up to you to take action and remove the stress in your life; nobody’s going to do it for you.
If you still feel yourself getting distracted and thinking too much about external stresses (work deadlines, family stresses, etc) during the middle of sex, just take a quick toilet break, sit there by yourself and take some deep breaths and chill. Decide you’ll put the thing that’s stressing you aside for a bit and deal with it later, and for now just concentrate on having fun. A lot of the time that’s all you need to do to get out of your own head and enjoy your coital congregation.
If when you rejoin the girl you’re still in your head and too distracted to get fully hard, just tell her, “Sorry, I’m in my own head and I think I’m too distracted to just relax and get fully hard. I’m worried about [whatever you’re worried about].” Most girls will completely understand, and you might find talking to her about what’s bothering you helps you relax and let the distracting thoughts go.
Solution #13: Don’t Drink as Much Alcohol
Alcohol and erections don’t always mix, and some guys are particularly vulnerable to “whiskey dick”. Not to mention just the sensation of really needing to pee can make it harder to get an erection and stay hard.
I’m one of those unlucky bastards. Anything more than 2 beers and I just can’t get fully hard – and if I get really drunk, my dick is entirely useless (even with “C”/”V”).
It was a huge issue for me in the past when I was nervous and used alcohol to try to deal with performance anxiety… but it caused its own anxiety by ruining my erections.
These days I rarely drink; especially not before/during sex. If you know you’re sensitive to alcohol, have one drink at most, or none at all. You’ll also feel less of that annoying urge to piss during sex (though that could be a negative if she’s into golden showers…)
Solution #14: Bathmate for a Bigger Dick
If you have fears around having a small dick, the Bathmate dick pump can help. You use it before sex – I’ve personally found it adds about an inch or so (circumference) to my dick, temporarily. For me the effect lasts a couple of hours.
Lemme make this damn clear though: you do not need to have a massive dick to please girls; at all. Try everything else on this list first, before buying the Bathmate. But if making your dick (temporarily) a bit thicker before sex would make you feel less performance anxiety, then go for it. A bunch of my coaching clients have used the Bathmate to improve their self-confidence and take away a lot of that pressure to perform.
I’ve got a full guide on using the Bathmate properly here.
Solution #15: Have More Sex
Having more sex and getting more experience will in itself lower your anxiety and erectile dysfunction – the more girls you’ve been with, the more you’ll start to know what you’re doing and feel less nervous. More importantly, if you have a few performance issues with girls, you’ll start to see it’s not really that big a deal – most girls don’t care, as long as you’re not ashamed about it. This has certainly been my experience – I’ve had plenty of dealings with erectile dysfunction, and most girls haven’t cared at all (because I haven’t made it into a big deal).
If you simply put yourself in a situation where you’re having more sex, you will have to sort out your ED issues. If you push yourself to meet new girls, or push yourself to have sex more often with a girl you’re dating, you’ll have to address your performance anxiety. You’ll have to use all the other techniques in this article, you’ll have to try a bunch of stuff to see what works; you’ll have to beat your ED. You’ll also have plenty of moments where your ED gets the better of you and your dicky isn’t fully hard, and you’ll have to learn it isn’t that big a deal and the world isn’t going to fall apart.
You’ll also get more comfortable doing Solution #1 on the list – you’ll have plenty of chances to fool around with a girl and not have sex, and you’ll see time and time again the girls just enjoy fooling around with you and being in your company, even if you don’t fuck them. You’ll learn to relax and be ok with not being a sex god, and you’ll be more comfortable in the bedroom so you won’t be so nervous or timid. And the less nervous you are, the less likely you are to have performance anxiety or ED.
It’s basically exposure therapy – you get used to sometimes not getting it up, and then it’s not such a scary monster any more.
You also won’t care so much if you can’t get it up, because you’ll already have had enough sex in the past that it doesn’t really matter if you can’t get it up for this particular girl in this particular moment. You won’t really need 1 more lay; you’ll just be happy fooling around with her, having foreplay and chatting like two old women long into the night. Your dicky can stay neatly tucked away in your underpants while you fingerblast her meat curtains.
So, make it your actual mission to have more sex – either with more girls, or have more sex with a girl you’re currently dating. Once you focus on getting as much practice at possible, you’ll often find your ED takes care of itself.
If None of the Above Works…
If your ED/anxiety is really bad and none of the solutions above seem to help, open up to other people about it. Ask any of your mates, “Ever had any issues with your erections during sex?” You’ll find almost all of your mates have struggled with it at least once – every guy has. Talking about it makes it much less of a big issue, and your mates will be able to tell you how they were able to deal with it themselves.
If your issues are anxiety-related (rather than physical), talk to a counsellor or psychologist about it. Ask for advice from guys on my forum. As with everything in life, talking about it helps a lot.
You can also speak to a doctor about getting some blood tests done to check your testosterone levels – low testosterone can contribute to erectile dysfunction, and lower your desire and drive to bang.
I’ve also personally experimented with 2 peptides – MT-II and PT-141 – which give you spontaneous erections and make you super horny. I’ve experimented with them about 20+ times each, so have some of my mates, and they both work. In fact, they work really fucking well. I get a raging hard-on about 5hrs after I inject it – I’ll be sitting on my couch watching YouTube and BAM, my dick is hard for no reason. They also make me insanely horny, desperate for sex, and keen to go multiple rounds even after I cum.
I haven’t put them in the list above because a) they’re in a legal grey area, and b) long-term side effects haven’t been studied. I can’t recommend them to you, but I can’t stop you going out and trying them yourself. You’re an adult; it’s not my job to tell you what to do, only to tell you what’s worked for me. I made sure I did plenty of research first though.
There are a few other ideas people have suggested to me, but as I haven’t personally tried them, I’m not including them in this article. But you can do your own research and experiment with:
- Diet, particularly eating enough protein
- L-arginine (a supplement)
- Meditation and breathing techniques to calm yourself down and let go of your anxiety in the moment
I promise everything is fixable, so don’t stress.
I just tried having sex with a new girl and couldn’t get hard at all for the first time (I dont watch porn anymore and Usually I can get hard but I wont come if Im really nervous), it got awkward but I kissed her when I left her house. Is there something I should text her/do or just move on and see if she reaches out later?
Just be straight up with her man – you two are on the same team. “Yo, was super nervous the other night, hence the performance issues. You were hot as shit though, hope you didn’t take it personally. If you’re down for another hangout, I’d love to play again.”
Don’t ever leave it to a girl to reach out to you. Because they almost never will – most girls are shy and want YOU to make the moves. Especially as there’s a very good chance she took your erectile dysfunction personally (as in, she thought you didn’t find her hot). She’s probably a bit embarrassed – most girls are when you can’t get it up. They think they must have done something wrong/not been hot enough for you.
Thanks man appreciate your advice!
You’re welcome dude.
Have you done method #1 on a first date and then banged the girl on a later date?
Hell yeah mate. Like 20 or 30 times, especially when I was inexperienced and really nervous. That was my go-to method; letting myself off the hook by saying, “I won’t have sex with her tonight.”
I will never make a recommendation on my site or give advice if I haven’t done it myself. I’ll never give “theoretical advice”.
Is the wand/vibrator you recommend wireless? If not, do you leave it plugged in all the time or what’s the process?
You plug it in. I’ve tried two wireless ones in the past, but the batteries suck (only last like 20 minutes) and they’re not even remotely as powerful. Trust me when I say when you use this one, it sounds like a fucking chainsaw. Here’s a video of me using it:
The cord is super long (3m – about 7ft), so it doesn’t really get in the way. I plan on writing a guide on how to use it, including some videos of how I use it.
Hi Andy, I just discovered this website, and it’s got some great content. Now my main embarrassing problem is not necessarily ED but premature ejaculation (under 30 seconds unfortunately. Have you ever had that issue? I tried all the mainstream crappy advice: kegels, try to relax/just don’t think about it, don’t stress but none of that has helped at all.
Dude that’s easy fixed – use the first trick I wrote. Don’t have sex – or at least DELAY it.
I’ll quote that bit:
Guys tend to have pretty screwed up ideas around what constitutes good sex. For instance, guys think lasting a long time is the most important thing – “I’m not a real man because I could only last 3 minutes!” It’s nonsense; it absolutely doesn’t matter how long you last when you put your dick inside her pussy; as long as you had plenty of foreplay beforehand. Good sex is you wanting her, and spending ages teasing her, building it up until you both explode. You don’t even have to be good at foreplay; you just have to try a few things with her, experiment with her, ask what she likes, tell her the things you like, and figure it out together. Good sex will naturally follow.
If you’re still stressing yourself about cumming too quickly, it’s an easy fix; just focus on having plenty of foreplay before you bang (which you should have done anyway). Tease her, touch her all over, drive her wild. Get yourself and herself both so horny you just have to have each other. Then if you only last 30 seconds, you can say, “Holy shit, you turned me on so much I literally couldn’t hold off. You’re so fucking sexy.” This will be the biggest compliment she’ll ever get – she’ll feel proud of herself for being such a god-damn turnon to you.
You can also do what I do when I think I’ll cum quicker than I want to: take a break every time you’re about to cum. Fuck her passionately, then when you feel you’re getting close, pull your cock out and do something different – rub her pussy, eat her out, play with her tits. Do that for 30-60 seconds, then start fucking her again. She’ll absolutely love it – it’ll be a rollercoaster ride for her.
You can also cover her in baby oil/massage oil and take your time massaging her body all over (especially her tits and pussy). Do that for a bit, then fuck her until you feel like you might cum, then pull out and go back to massaging, then back to fucking. The toil also makes girls look incredibly sexy when they’re all slick & shiny, and it makes them very feel sexy too.
Then whenever you do cum, she’ll be very happy about it – because you’ve been teasing her with the foreplay for so long. After lots of foreplay, you cumming quickly is a good thing. Girls get really fucking turned on by you cumming quickly if you’re not ashamed of it. Tell her, “Holy shit, you’re gonna make me cum already, you’re so fucking sexy I can’t help myself.” Watch her eyes light up with lust as she realises how much she’s turning you on. Nothing makes a girl happier than knowing you find her so irresistible you literally can’t hold off.
Lasting a long time isn’t sexy. Passion & teasing are sexy.
Don’t aim to be good at sex. Aim to be good at foreplay/teasing.
Edit: I’ll add, yes there have been a TONNE of times I’ve cum within 30-60 seconds (of putting my dick in her pussy) because the foreplay has gotten me so worked up. I tell the girl “Jesus christ you’re gonna make me cum already, I can’t hold off” and I cum, and she absolutely loves it – because of all the foreplay. Most of them feel “proud of themselves” for turning me on that much – it’s very flattering to a girl to know you couldn’t control yourself around her. (As long as you’ve had plenty of foreplay first).