There’s a trend I notice with guys who are relatively new to getting laid: they tend to overthink every little thing that goes wrong, and use one or two examples of rejection/things not working out to completely avoid ever repeating that action in future. In other words, they use one or two cherry-picked examples to inform their doctrines.
You see this most of all with the concept of AWALT – “All Women Are Like That.” A couple examples of bad bitches, and guys declare, “Damn, all women must be like this!”
It’s often extremely self-defeating – guys will try something with one woman, it won’t work (or maybe it’ll only half-work), then they’ll declare, “Ok, that thing I did never works” when what they should be saying is, “It didn’t work once. Maybe I just need to try again.”
When you don’t have a lot of experience getting laid, you tend to be extremely sensitive to rejection from girls. You’re often paranoid about it. You haven’t quite embraced the idea of this being a numbers game (talk to as many women as you can and you’ll eventually get laid), so you don’t realise rejection can often be pretty random.
You place too much importance on each rejection; over-analysing it & studying it in too much detail instead of just moving on and talking to more girls. And instead of saying, “It’s just a numbers game – I just need to hit on more women” you sit there trying to figure out exactly what you did wrong. It’s usually really fucking hard to know what you possibly could have done wrong (especially when you’re a newbie!), but you’re desperate for an answer, so in the end you just grasp at straws and settle on whatever makes the most sense to you.
Thing is, you’re inexerpienced as hell – how can you possibly know your explanation for her rejecting you is the correct one? Plus you have a sample size of one – again, how the hell can you be sure your explanation for her rejecting you is correct? You obviously can’t… but fuck it, you decide that’s the reason she didn’t want to bang you, and you swear never to repeat that behaviour again.
You know what you’ve just done? You’ve just developed a superstition.
Yep, you’re like some primitive caveman who peed on a tree one time and then there was a lightning storm, so he became convinced peeing on trees = God gets angry at me and causes a lightning storm. He spends the rest of his life avoiding ever peeing anywhere even remotely close to a tree, on the off-chance God gets too angry at him. He holds his pee in (often to the point of pain), walking 15 minutes to the closest river any time he needs to take a leak… because at least that’s far away from any trees. He spreads stories to his fellow-tribesmen about the gods getting mad as hell if you pee on a tree. He tells his children to never urinate near foliage… and everybody listens to him and does what he suggests. After all, nobody wants to risk incurring the wrath of the gods, right? And nobody stops for a single second to consider whether their original premise was even true.
Guys do this shit with girls – eg a couple of times you’ll reply to a girl within 10 second of her messaging you. Some of those girls won’t end up banging you (because it’s a number’s game, remember – not every girl will sleep with you). You’ll over-analyse it and come to the conclusion, “If I reply too quickly, girls will think I’m low-value or something! I should always play games and make her wait.” Yes it’s just a silly superstition, but you hate the feeling of rejection… so god knows you’re never ever ever ever ever going to message a girl within 1 hour of her messaging you. Better to be safe than sorry.
After all, you wouldn’t want to anger the Gods, right?
But when you get to a point where you’ve had a lot of lays (50-100), you realise girls will bang you whether you text them immediately or wait 5 hours. It makes almost no difference – the only difference is in the type of women you’ll attract. Waiting 5 hours will screen in girls who a) don’t mind guys playing retarded games with them or b) are independent and busy and don’t care how long you take between replies.
But it won’t get you laid any more often – I get laid just as much now that I reply instantly, vs when I was playing games and making girls wait for hours. Your superstition was wrong.
A lot of the time when you get rejected, you didn’t even necessarily do anything wrong; it was just random variance, statistical noise. This is a number’s game.
The problem with being inexperienced is you don’t have a lot of data samples to work from. You don’t know what actually works, and what doesn’t work. You have no idea what would work if you just kept trying it (and improving at it). You’re sitting there waiting for the first hint of rejection (because you’re paranoid about it, like most of us are when we’re newbies) and the second you run into it, you freak the fuck out and immediately develop a superstition. It’s like you’re tiptoing and walking on eggshells, terified of making a single mistake.
The solution is to give yourself permission to suck. Realise rejection isn’t that big a deal. Stop being a scared little boy who’s desperate to avoid rejection, and just embrace it. I promise the world won’t fall apart just because some girls don’t want to fuck you; it’s ok to make mistakes, figure things out as you go, and “lose” a few opportunities. It’s much better than being supersitious and afraid.
It goes the other way too – often when you do something that works one time, you assume it’s the only way that will work – and you assume it will always work.
This is one of the reason a lot of pickup artists & Red Pill people have all these weird, autistic “rules” and superstitions, like:
- Don’t text too quickly.
- Always be alpha.
- Don’t share your vulnerabilities/doubts with her.
- “Bounce between 3 venues” during your first date (go to 3 different bars, just so she’ll feel like it’s been 3 dates in 1 night).
- Neg her so she’ll think you’re high-value.
- “Build rapport” before you make a move on her.
- “Form a connection” before you make a move on her.
- Deal with her “shit tests” instead of realising you’re just being insulted/fucked with.
- Use pickup lines/routines on her; there’s a “correct” set of phrases and behaviours you can exhibit to get in her pants. There’s a “right” way of communicating.
- Don’t have an ego and don’t seek validation.
I’m not even saying pickup artists are “newbies” or inexperienced – a lot of them get laid. I don’t hate pickup artists or red pill advocates – at all. I’m saying a lot of them are guys who developed these superstitions – these things you “must” do – early on, and then never gave them up. They’re so stuck in their ways they can’t even fathom any other method could ever possibly work. Imagine the hubris in declaring doctrines and “unbreakable rules”; as if your way is the only way and everything else is somehow wrong.
Imagine the lack of humility you’d have to have to deny evidence that other methods work to get you a lot of pussy. Imagine saying, “Mine is the only solution; listen to me and nobody else. I am right.” Sounds a bit like religious zealotry to me.
I’ve talked about this before – This is All Just a Big Experiment. My methods work (they’ve worked for me, my clients and my friends) – my Tinder series will get you laid as much as me, if you push yourself. But I will never in a billion fucking years tell you this is the way you should do things, or this is the only way you’ll ever get laid. I’m showing you what’s worked for me/my clients/friends; it’s up to you whether you follow in my footsteps or find something that works even better.
You can let go of your weird superstitions and rules – just take a deep breath and realise there’s no rules you have to stick to. You’re allowed to figure out your own methods (or use other people’s and modify them to suit you and your circumstances).
It gets easier over time – particularly when you get laid a lot and realise a lot of getting laid is totally random. You realise a lot of the time it really doesn’t matter what you do, or what you say – getting laid really is just a process of looking decent and talking to a lot of girls.
Don’t be scared of angering the gods. There’s a million paths to success; go forge your own.
UPDATE: I did a follow-up podcast here: